Really conflicted

[Scotty1984]

Hey guys so I’m a 38 year old married male me and my wife have been together for almost 5 years and I believe we have a super strong bond. She is amazing and super supportive of me (I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years before her). We got into the kink scene about a year ago and had brief discussions about threesomes she said she would get jealous so I stopped the conversation. Fast forward to now she has met a couple that would like us to be in a relationship with them. I do actually like them both the wife is super down to earth and the husband has a lot of hobbies in common with me. When we was talking about it yesterday I asked her if I said no this would it affect our relationship and her response was “I don’t think so” she has admitted that it was the wrong thing to say and apologized to me (she has adhd and quite often says the wrong thing) I’ve accepted her apology but I also can’t get those words out of my head. I definitely overthink everything.

What I’m conflicted about is the stupid male macho bs and also just not being her number 1. Is this normal feelings for me to have? I’m excited about the idea of having another couple to spend time with to communicate with and even slightly excited about the sensual side of it. I am freaking out about the sexual side of it I was brought up very religious so this is like the polar opposite of what I was taught as a kid.

I feel like I’m rambling a bit so sorry if that’s a lot of information.

 

[Tinwen]

Hi, welcome to the forum.

What makes you think you're not her number 1 anymore? Is she in love?

I think it's important that she knows that you're freaking out and need support and encouragement. It's important she does her best to temper her limerance - although if she IS in love, you may feel like not being #1 for a while, perhaps due to her not being able to put aside the distraction and giving undivided attention.

I also think it's important to accept that poly relationships do involve risk, and exercising veto power (saying no to a relationship she has already developed) often does adversely affect the relationship. "I don't think so" (but can't know for sure) can be actually a very honest, down-to-earth answer, and it's always good to know where you really stand. If this other relationship is still rather a possibility than the reality, this may still be a good point to pause/stop the wheel together to have those deep talks you need to have, do the reading you need to do, and get the help you might want to get, to make the transition into a new lifestyle. It's important that you don't give the green light unless it's actually worth the risk and the work for you. Jealousy and conflict will occur, and a bit of jealousy on itself is not a reason not to go on. Not wanting a lifestyle change and going against your core values is.

Most likely you can't force her to adhere to marital wows or whatever, if she really wants this, so you may end up parting ways over a value differnce. However, you may also end up happily monogamous or happily polyamorous. You're being called to do the relationship work, so do it.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hey guys. I’m a 38 year old married male. My wife and I have been together for almost 5 years and I believe we have a super strong bond. She is amazing and super supportive of me. (I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years before her.) We got into the kink scene about a year ago and had brief discussions about threesomes.. She said she would get jealous, so I stopped the conversation.

So even in a kink scenario with no sex, she would prefer not to play in threesomes. That's fine. Lots of people prefer one-on-one. Threesomes are complicated! It's not like porn. At all.

Fast forward to now: she has met a couple that would like us to be in a relationship with them. I do actually like them both. The wife is super down to earth and the husband has a lot of hobbies in common with me.

So now you're jumping from contemplating a threesome to thinking about a quad. That's even more complicated! A triad or a quad are not "a relationship." They are 3 or 4 relationships stacked up on top of each other. You would be a hinge in a V between yourself and your wife, and yourself and your prospective other female partner. In a quad, you would be a hinge like that, and your wife would be a hinge like that between you and the other guy, and maybe you'd both be hinges with the guy too, if the men are bi. And if the women are bi, they'd be both be hingers between a woman and a man. Everyone is your lover as well as your lover's lover. All the moving parts have to mesh and be in balance for this to work for more than a sex session or two.

You+wife
You+other woman
Wife+other man
Wife+other woman
You+other man

This is why most polyamorous people do not do group sex. You may find that surprising. In successful polamory, usually both members of a couple find their own individual partners. There is more independence in polyamory. We do not operate as "coupleblobs."

Now, if you're swinging, and plan to prevent deep feelings of love from developing with others, you can do a "soft swap," as it's called, where you play with the other woman and your wife plays with the other guy. But that's not poly"amory" (love). That's just playing around. What happens if one of you falls in love? That makes it polyamory.

When we was talking about it yesterday I asked her if I said no to this, would it affect our relationship and her response was “I don’t think so.” She has admitted that it was the wrong thing to say and apologized to me (she has adhd and quite often says the wrong thing) I’ve accepted her apology but I also can’t get those words out of my head. I definitely overthink everything.

What wrong thing did she say? Of course opening your relationship would entirely affect your current relationship. I don't see anything adhd or something to be sorry for here. You're both just starting to wonder about it, and try to figure out how it would work.

What I’m conflicted about is the stupid male macho bs

You mean you'd feel jealous to know she is fucking another man, I suppose. Yeah, that's common in our patriarchal culture and something you'd need to overcome.

and also just not being her number 1. Is this normal feelings for me to have?

Yes. All feelings are normal. What you do with those feelings is what counts.

I’m excited about the idea of having another couple to spend time with to communicate with and even slightly excited about the sensual side of it. I am freaking out about the sexual side of it. I was brought up very religious so this is like the polar opposite of what I was taught as a kid.

I feel like I’m rambling a bit. Sorry if that’s a lot of information.

You're right to be nervous about opening up for sex and/or love with more than just the two of you.

I recommend reading the book Opening Up, for lots of information about how to proceed.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Scotty1984,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

There's such a thing as hierarchical poly, where you would still be your wife's #1, and the couple would be secondary partners to you (and #1 to each other). Still it is totally up to you, you don't have to get involved in something that would make you uncomfortable. If you need to take some time, to figure out whether you do want this, take that time. There is no need to be in a hurry.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[JaneQSmythe]

Hello, Welcome, and Nice-to-Meetcha!

...We got into the kink scene about a year ago and had brief discussions about threesomes she said she would get jealous so I stopped the conversation.

Although I don't consider myself particularly "kinky", I am one of the (minority, it would seem ) members here who is into threesomes and group sex. But I would agree that, in most cases, that would fall into more of a "recreational sex" realm as opposed to polyAMORY. Did she, at that time, give any indication as to where that jealousy would, theoretically be directed? Just curious as to whether she was more worried that you would be more into the other (woman?) person than her, or that the other person would be more into you than her? Is she even bi/pan-sexual? (Not that I haven't had plenty of fun with two straight guys!)

Fast forward to now she has met a couple that would like us to be in a relationship with them. I do actually like them both the wife is super down to earth and the husband has a lot of hobbies in common with me.

I would need to know what she meant by "in a relationship with" to even begin to understand what she was proposing. If she would be jealous in a threesome (sexual situation) but doesn't think she would be jealous in a quad (relationship configuration) then I would want to know what her expectations were. A threesome (with another woman - assuming you are both straight) would put her in direct competition with another female? but a "swap" (swinger-style) would put you on equal footing?

When we was talking about it yesterday I asked her if I said no this would it affect our relationship and her response was “I don’t think so” she has admitted that it was the wrong thing to say and apologized to me (she has adhd and quite often says the wrong thing) I’ve accepted her apology but I also can’t get those words out of my head. I definitely overthink everything.

Yes, absolutely, whether you say YES or NO will 100% affect your relationship. - no matter what she says. Your relationship is a dynamic response to all of the experiences that you have. This is one of those experiences. Whether it affects it positively or negatively remains to be seen. "I don't think so." sounds like an honest (and naive) response...but "wrong"? - how do you figure? You want her to sugar-coat things for you? Yes, her response may have been more blunt than you would have preferred but, after 5 years together...did you really expect anything different?

What I’m conflicted about is the stupid male macho bs and also just not being her number 1.

Is it really about being #1 so much as being her "one and ONLY"? And do you need to be her #1 for EVERYTHING? or just things that are important to you? (For instance - sex vs. security vs. conversation vs. sharied hobbies vs. .... whatever)

Is this normal feelings for me to have?

Yes

I’m excited about the idea of having another couple to spend time with to communicate with...

That is called "friendship"...

..and even slightly excited about the sensual side of it.

I will admit, I don't know what you mean by this...if sex isn't on the table for you - like, flirting with no intent? (I do this 100% of the time - friendship or not)

.
I am freaking out about the sexual side of it I was brought up very religious so this is like the polar opposite of what I was taught as a kid.

Without knowing your history, it is hard to interpret this. In your religious upbringing are you only allowed to have sex with your legal/spiritual wife? Have you, personally, ever had sex with someone you weren't married to? How much of your childhood religion do you still adhere to outside of the sexual imprinting?

.I feel like I’m rambling a bit so sorry if that’s a lot of information.

Don't worry about that! We are a wordy bunch. Just give us some paragraph breaks (which you did) and we will be fine.

/////
At the end of the day? My advice is that you guys need to have a whole lot more conversation. (Or you can "charge on" as most of us do...most of the time that explodes spectacularly...occassionally things work out. MrS and I have been together for 30 years now - and I've been pushing boundaries since 1992...)

Jane("Professional-Bad-Example")Q