Really need some help-- phone sex with another man

B

BadLucyLiu

New member
Hi, I'm new and in need of help, please.

I have been with my husband Sean, in a monogamous relationship, for 23 years.

He has had a fantasy of us having a threesome with another woman, and also with another man, at separate times. I didn't pursue this at first, as I have self-esteem issues and didn't feel able to. However, I eventually broached the subject with a close female friend, whom I feel comfortable with, and she agreed to consider it. At the weekend, Sean and I were making love, and we ended up instigating text sex with my female friend. He found this very arousing, and so did she.

Buoyed by our success, he encouraged me to broach the subject with a guy I'd been chatting with online. (I'll call him Ian.)

Ian was intrigued, but unsure if he could do it, so suggested we have phone sex first. (I've never done this before.) Sean agreed, as long as he was present. We arranged to do it that night. I spent the day in a constant anxious, nervous, but excited state.

When the time came, Ian took the initiative and began talking to me. Sean became aroused watching my reaction, but it began to go wrong, because I followed Ian's directions explicitly, rather than using my imagination, and ended up straddling Sean and climaxing. I think it was a combination of nerves, anxiety and alcohol, which affected me and made me respond almost desperately. Sean was enjoying it, but was upset that I had become aroused so quickly, as I don't with just him.

Ian ended the call without climaxing and I felt terrible, as he was doing this for us. Sean agreed that I could call him back and hopefully help him to climax. But I felt I needed to do it alone, so that I didn't feel as awkward. After Sean reluctantly consented, I went downstairs and ended up chatting with Ian for over an hour before we got down to the phone sex. It was much better the second time, as Ian had rushed the first time, due to nerves.

Unfortunately, Sean didn't like feeling left out, and has now informed me that it was only his intention for me to find someone to have a casual encounter with, and that would be the end of it.

But I have discovered that I loved having the phone sex and want to make it a regular thing. This has caused all sorts of problems, as Sean doesn't like phone sex, or dirty talk during sex. He just isn't comfortable doing it. He feels jealous that I am getting pleasure from another man that he, himself, cannot give me.

I have discovered that I cannot have any form of sex outside my marriage without making a connection with the other person first, which I have with Ian. He makes me feel relaxed and safe and comfortable.

Sean now feels he has opened Pandora's box, and doesn't know what to do. He still wants to have the threesomes and wants to try and work through this problem together, but I am very worried, as it has affected him physically; he is having trouble maintaining an erection and climaxing.

Luckily, we have a very strong relationship. We are concerned about hurting each other.

Am I poly because I want phone sex? Obviously, it is classed as a form of sex, but I don't know if I come under the classification of being "poly."

Any suggestions, tips or advice would be much appreciated, as I don't want to give up this new relationship with Ian, but I love Sean to bits.
 
Yes, Sean (and you) did open a Pandora's Box. But he has a misunderstanding about your sexual feelings. He ASSumed you could have sex without emotions-- casual sex, with someone's body (or voice) merely, no personal feelings attached. Some people can do sex like this, with no emotions (like robots). Many of us can't.
 
These kinds of sex does not make you poly. Phone sex, aka sexting, is not polyamory. It's just broadening your sexual horizons, at best. What potentially makes you polyamorous is your discovery of needing a connection with another person before being able to think about sex.

As for the rest of it, you and Sean have rushed things. Slow down. It`s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment because things feel good. Unfortunately, once all those feel-good horny moments pass, many people start thinking about the actuality of what they have done.

Anything new and unknown in life is going to stir up doubt, whether it's a new hobby, a new house, a new job, a new baby, or a new way of living. New kinds of sex or love-- open relationships, swinging, polyamory, are no different. Acknowledge this. Help your husband to acknowledge all the doubts, and talk about working your way through them, instead of letting doubts control your life.

Do you let doubts stop you from buying a car, a house, changing careers, starting a family? Most of us weigh the odds of such things, and it becomes job/house/car/family specific. The "right deal" makes us move forward.

If you need a connection with a person, but this scares your husband, as he only wanted casual sex, then you two could slow down, and start out just making the right "deal" with each other.

Friendship to start, but nothing more, etc. Who knows? That is up to you two to decide.

As for you climaxing so quickly, tell him in a nice, wifey, loving way to get over it. You were doing something new and titillating and your body responded to it. He'll know exactly how that feels the first time another woman touches him again. He`ll have a "lightbulb moment" when that happens. (Do not rush out and have a threesome to prove this, please.)

If it doesn`t, tell him to buy a new toy to use on you, and watch the same thing happen. It's natural for our bodies to respond to the rush and excitement of something new.

Random thoughts... that's all I can think of for now. Good luck!
 
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BadLucyLiu said:
Sean now feels he has opened Pandora's box and doesn't know what to do.

Luckily, we have a very strong relationship and are more concerned about hurting each other.
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I can so relate to that. I opened that box, and now I am the one having issues. We are also in a similar situation where we don't want hurt each other.

It has been said many times on this forum that the situation should go as slowly as the one with the most difficulties. In this case, that would be your husband. He needs to be very open with his feelings and what's going on for him.

It is, for me, an odd situation to have wanted this, and now my whole being is fighting it, while I still want it!
 
Hey Lucy,

I agree with Superjast in that this really has little or nothing to do with polyamory as such, at least yet.

But exploring sexuality between two or more people is always kind of opening that box. Our sexuality is a complex thing, and not a lot of people are aware of that, because of the lack of frank discussion of sex in our culture. We talk all around the really important stuff, avoiding it when possible. And what happens? Just as you discovered!

In a lot of cases, when we discover a partner's true sexual inclinations or preferences/kinks, if they don't resonate with us personally we get scared. Are we no longer compatible? Yikes!

In most cases, it doesn't mean that at all. Despite the new discoveries, it's highly likely that we still have mutual sexual interests/turn-ons.

But what it does mean is that now we have to release some fear, along with some strange ideas about being the be all-end all to anyone in a sexual manner. There may be some areas of their sexuality that we either don't belong in, or really aren't comfortable in, and that is perfectly okay. Really, it is. We're not taught that and we don't talk about it. But if you can get over that wall, you will actually reach a whole new and higher level of connection with that person. You become a partner in helping them explore who they really are, at a core level. And that type of sharing in most cases, if it's genuine, moves a relationship to a whole new level.

So I suggest your husband try to be open-minded, and partner with you in your explorations, as hopefully you will in his direction!
 
There are some really good comments here.

It seems that after a night, or whatever, of casual sex, some people who are newbies to it and just figuring out who they are, get that "OMG! WHAT HAVE I DONE??" feeling. It's a body feeling as much as a thought-- dread, guilt, anxiety and excitement, all at the same time. I see it as similar to a hangover, in that it's a day-after kind of thing. It takes some time to sort out feelings and allowing one's body to settle. There is an energy release when the culmination of fantasy becomes reality, and that can be exhausting.

I would suggest just relaxing and letting it settle before moving on. See what comes of it and what new things you've both discovered. There is no rush. Explore all the options. Realize that you are different people with different desires and needs. Please don't do something that you know will be uncomfortable. And if you do, don't do it again, and learn about yourself from the experience.
 
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It's been great reading everyone's comments. Thank you.

Things came to a head yesterday. I can honestly say that it was the worst day of my married life. Sean fell to pieces and admitted that his feelings have spiralled out of control. He feels a huge amount of guilt and regret that he asked me to do this in the first place, which has caused me to discover that I want to have phone sex with another man.

If it were a complete stranger, he would be able to deal with it. What he can't deal with is the fact that I have made friends with Ian.

We have decided to shelve the idea of having the threesome, and he has asked me not to have phone sex for the moment. But he doesn't want to take everything away from me, so said it would be okay for me to chat with Ian online, either through the forum, private messages, email, or Yahoo.

He knows that we will be having explicit conversations and he is going to try and relax about it.

The one great thing to come out of all of this, is the realisation that we love each other very much. After 23 years, things can become a little complacent and routine, but now we feel very close to each other, more than before.

I hope that Sean can wrap his head around the knowledge that although I want to continue the phone sex with Ian, it doesn't mean that I love him, Sean, any less, or that I am going to want the phone sex with Ian more than I want my husband.

I guess only time will tell. Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

I cannot lie-- I want to be selfish. I want them both.
 
Maybe Sean would benefit from doing some reading and discussing. Perhaps if he understood some of the concepts of open relationships, polyamory, etc., it would help him deal with what has come up.
 
It seems to me that Sean was hoping for something like swinging, but it evolved into something more like polyamory, which made him feel insecure. I agree with Redpepper that learning more about polyamory (and more specifically how it doesn't mean he's inadequate or not good enough, or anything like that) would probably help him. Then you can see how he feels about it and whether he'll be fine with your connection with Ian, or not.
 
One of the advantages of polyamory (or swinging) is that it takes away the burden of having to try to be everything for your partner. For example, I know couples who got into swinging because one was heavily into BDSM, while the other was not interested. Everyone gets their needs met; no one is doing something they'd rather not do.

To a lesser extent, it is true of other things too, like going to certain movies or restaurants. I don't like chick flicks, so my wife has a friend who goes with her to see those. I don't like Indian food, but another friend of my wife does.

Your husband should check out "NRE," and that might help him understand that your reaction is not a rejection or reflection on him.
 
It's over. Sean hasn't been able to go to work, he's been in such a state. We haven't stopped talking, trying to find a compromise, a way to make things work, but he just can't. He can no longer retain an erection or climax during sex. He tried to give himself time, so that he could come around to the idea of me having phone sex, by asking me to just chat via email with this other guy, but he can't do it.

He just called me from work, crying down the phone, telling me that he is sorry, but he just can't share me, because he loves me too much. He is overwhelmed with guilt, because he suggested this in the first place, and doesn't understand why, even though he is going through hell, the fantasy of me being with another man is still there, but the reality of it is more than he can take!

I would rather cut ties with Ian than lose Sean or my marriage. But when Sean told me this, I still felt he had cut my heart out of my chest.

I now realise that I was kidding myself, telling Sean that it was just a bit of fun and nothing serious, because it is way more than that. Being truthful with myself, I have to admit that the feelings I have for Ian are very real. I have made a full emotional connection with him. The honest truth is that I want to be with him as much as I want Sean! I feel I could fall in love with him.

The perfect scenario for me would be for Sean to be happy to let me have a full sexual relationship with Ian, without Sean needing to be there. I could never tell Sean that, as I think it would destroy him. So I am going to have to pretend and tell him that although I am disappointed, I'll get over it, which is not the case at all. But what else can I do?

Sean has told me that he doesn't want to take away the friendship I have with Ian, so he would be okay with me chatting with him online, as long as no kind of sex is involved. But I can't do that. So I am going to have to remove Ian's phone number from my phone, cancel my email account, and cut all ties with him. Otherwise I know that eventually I am going to contact him and cheat on Sean.

I want Ian so bad-- he has almost become an obsession. I wish with all my heart that this had never happened and I could have kept myself in blissful ignorance.

Instead, I have a husband who is an emotional wreck, crying all the time, incapable of having sex with me anymore, and I have to be the strong one and pretend that I don't mind that he's given me something wonderful and then taken it away.

I feel so miserable, so devastated. I'm going to miss Ian so much, but I have no choice if I'm going to keep 23 years of marriage going. I just pray I have the strength not to call him.

Thank you all so much for trying to help. I really appreciate it. Please keep your fingers crossed for us, that we can get through this.
 
I'm not sure lying to him is the best option. He might realise you lied and that would be worse.

I agree you need to focus on him, though. You could get some therapy together and see what you can do. But I think you should be honest, so that he knows what you're sacrificing. Otherwise you will resent him for something he won't even know.

As long as you make it clear that you are here for him and that you won't pursue that other relationship because of the consequences on your marriage, I think it should be fine. I mean, the more Ian means to you, the more giving him up for Sean means, too. And it's important right now that Sean sees how much you love him and care about him.

It's your decision, of course, but I tend to be of the opinion that while the truth can hurt, lying has the potential to be much worse, either by backfiring (he realises you lied) or for other reasons (the lie is worse to him than the truth and you didn't realise that).

Good luck either way. Take things slowly. Help Sean to enjoy sex again. That's your priority right now, I assume. But if you're honest with him, at least you'll have the freedom to be sad about losing someone you cared for, and Sean can comfort you.
 
BadLucyLiu said:
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Instead, I have a husband who is an emtional wreck, crying all the time, incapable of having sex with me anymore, and I have to be the strong one and pretend that I don't mind that he's given me something wonderful and then taken it away.
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Hey Lucy,

It's a hard decision, and hard how you came to have to make it. But in my opinion, you are doing the right thing by dropping this external relationship, for now.

If it helps any, and not to discredit your feelings or any such, take my word for it that this "connection" you feel you have established with Ian is likely not all you think it is just yet. True connections require much more personal interaction to determine. It's more likely that what you are experiencing is NRE: a combination of lust and infatuation, and the rush of the discovery of a new side (and potential) of yourself. If there is any real potential in Ian, he will understand this. If not, then you'll have more insight into his true personality and desires.

But more importantly (the golden lining?), you have uncovered some real hidden issues Sean has been carrying around. There are some serious issues there that HE needs to confront and deal with. You're a team, right? Try to get him to acknowledge these issues openly, realize how dangerous they are to his real being, and see if you can't work as a team on his personal growth. If you can do this, you both will benefit tremendously. It's very likely something like this would have made those issues surface eventually, so it may be that it happening in the way it did may be less painful and dramatic than some of the alternatives. Remember the lemons/lemonade saying?

Keep us posted!
 
You're absolutely right. Pretending to be unaffected is not going to help matters. I therefore explained to Sean that once he told me that he couldn't share me, my feelings for Ian became more apparent to me, and I realised that they were deeper than I'd thought. He isn't happy about this, but doesn't blame me. Instead he is heaping guilt on top of his own head, which isn't going to help either of us.

I've explained this, and he is going to try to get past it all. He wanted me to stay friends with Ian, because I make friends very easily, and all my friends mean a lot to me. "You care too much" were his words.

The problem is, I believe, even if I could maintain a normal friendship with Ian, would Sean be able to deal with it, knowing that I was developing romantic feelings for Ian? Of course not; it would just cause more problems.

Ian has gone away on a trip, so I can't speak to him until Monday. I have told Sean that I need to speak to Ian alone and probably on the phone, as it would be rude to end things via email. He understands this (at least he says he does). I just hope I don't break down over the phone and make an idiot of myself, especially as I have no idea what Ian's true feelings are for me.

I therefore have no alternative, in order to save my marriage, other than to cut all ties to the new sexual/emotional experiences I was interested in. I know that, given time, I will be okay. It's just very hard to have to let go of someone that you know in your heart could have been very special.
 
Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a huge turn-around in your marriage!

I agree that Sean may have some things to work on. Poor guy, to be struggling so much. Sometimes in relationships people get so entwined with their partners that they covet them and keep them in their heart as if they have ownership over them. Of course they don't, because their partner is a person who has freedoms and desires and a life of their own. Yet it can happen without a couple knowing it is. Perhaps he and you are co-dependent?

Sometimes when a couple is doing the same thing for years, and one does something different for a change, the whole boat gets rocked. It looks like your boat has been rocked by this situation.

I think it's a great idea to end the relationship you have with Ian to focus on your marriage. However, I also suggest that you don't lie. You could use this opportunity to make some changes in your marriage for the better, rather than go underground. Going underground for the sake of someone else leads to depression, resentment, and the destruction of relationships, in my opinion. Better to figure out what you need, ask him what he needs and go from there. This might require a therapist to help you, as it's no easy task, but I would like to suggest that if you are able to reach a point where you can negotiate some boundaries around your needs and then stick to them, you will have a better marriage and life all around.

I would wonder if one of your needs isn't so much to be with Ian, but to have the opportunity for closeness with another man in general. Or people, for that matter. What are you doing in your life that is just for you? What kinds of things could you do with Sean that are different? These may be the questions to ask.

I think with time he will get through his inability to have sex. Sure, it's alarming, but it's sending a message that has another meaning. What is it? Better to figure it out while the emotions are still fresh.
 
I too opened a Pandora's box in my marriage, when my ex-wife wanted to explore a relationship with a woman who was a friend of ours. I got caught up in the sexual side of it, which generally shuts our thinking brains down, and believed it would be a good idea.

When reality struck, I responded much the same way as your husband did. I thought I was going to die, until I realized that I would be fine without my wife. I didn't need her to live; I was just afraid to not be with her.

She spent one night with our friend but it didn't go any further than cuddling, apparently.

The positive is that we reconnected for many more good years.

I feel for your husband because there are many things I wish I never did in life so I can relate. I feel for you because it looks like you really connected with Ian.

I don't see him as having issues that need addressing any more than you do. I see two people who may have developed different criteria to share themselves with others. Maybe he needs exclusivity, maybe you don't.

I hope you all find peace and health in this.
 
Even though you feel you need to help your husband through this and reclaim your marriage, I urge you not to forget who you are and what brought you on this journey. Good luck.
 
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