I am so sorry this happened. I hope you feel a bit better airing some of that out.
I see that you want to stay with your partner. Is this from habit, or from a true desire to be together? And if WILLING... after all this will you actually be ABLE?
Have you taken a step back to assess that? Because you also say
What's he done to make ammends for the betrayal? And are you able to forgive and be together? Or forgive but NOT be together any more? Or something else?
If J wants to still "be friends" with C -- is that a dealbreaker to you? Because maybe healing for you means NO ties at will C for you. So if J is still being pals with C, maybe you have to let go of J because you want C nowhere near you?
I do similar with my spouse with the house, cars, joint checking accts, etc. Except I do keep one bank account that is just for me in my name only. And he has his. Because while unlikley that either of us would steal all the money in joint and run off? In case it DOES, then neither of us is left in a total bind because we have our personal accts to lean on.
On low income you may or may not be able to see a counselor to help you heal. Sometimes university and college students provide free therapy as part of their studies under supervision. Some of my friends go to Al-Anon to have a form of group therapy that way.
Women's shelters sometimes do "healing from abuse/healthy dating" classes in libraries, malls, etc. There may be other ways. You might want to call some of those to see if you can get into a class, esp if your family of origin background was rough too. You may not have the skills strong enough to pick out solid partners or you might be attracted to wonky because it feels familiar if not actually healthy. Could that have happened?
So he's not esp firm or maybe easily swayed. And where C used to tell him what to do, now you do it? Is that what you are saying?
See above about about being easily swayed. He says for now it is just friends and overseas. Do you trust him to keep better personal boundaries there or not? Or will she come creeping back?
He never thought to call her next of kin and the suicide hotline? Because he cannot live like her "life raft." You say he's got some
white knight" stuff going on?
What trustworthy behaviors is he doing now?
What trustbreaking behaviors is he doing?
What about you, in your heart? If this went on too far and whatever new efforts are feeling like "too little too late" -- why be here? IS it too little too late? Would you be better off starting with a new partner "clean slate?"
What do YOU need to heal from this horrible experience?
Those are all things only YOU can answer. You pick what you will and will not put up with.
So I suggest you do your soul searching. Do not stick around here just because you want kids and feel like the bio clock is ticking. I don't know about you, but I rather have no kids than kids with a shaky partner I don't really trust.
Do prioritize YOUR well being, whether or not you ultimately stick with this partner.
It's ok to not want to do poly for a while (or ever) after this experience. YOU get to pick how you want to life your life.
Galagirl
thanks for the thoughtful response Galagirl. A lot of food for thought. appreciate it.
these are great questions to ponder on and i'll totally write them in my journal and reflect on them, thanks so much.
no i don't tell J what to do now, that would be totally counterintuitive to having health and healing. i'd be a hypocrite if i said that wouldn't i? what i do notice however, is that when i met my partner, he presented himself as a Poly Relationship Counselor, was dating about 8 women in the poly scene, is younger than me and good looking and presents himself as a Dom. so that's the man i thought i met. I had no idea, the woman he never mentioned, was actually telling him what to do, almost all the time, including what he could do sexually. it took me several years to find out this man i thought i met was actually quite confused, boyish, and liked to be managed. i re-fell in love with this new person, not the man i thought i met. what hurt is that once i found out the real situation, i found out C called all the shots, and subsequently on me too. She spent most of her time away and the relationship was long distance, so the real-life situation looked like his time and actions were managed from afar, though the person with him daily was myself. A lot of my trauma stems from being caught up in that, and feeling invisible and like a throwaway. I would have walked away but J kept saying that as soon as she gets home from traveling he'd leave her and this controlling situation so i got caught up in this for four years. yes, i should have left earlier, i know. but i didn't...i can't beat myself up about it. and now she's gone entirely. and as for my boyfriend who lacks a "manager?" well...now he is pretty much begging me to tell him what to do. at first it was weird for me, but after a while i found i could lovingly and gracefully ask for what i needed him to do. for me personally it's been a huge evolution in my growth to be able to say what i want and need. when i wanted us to buy a house, he did. when i wanted him to get a better job, he did. and so on. i never saw myself in this way, more egalaitaliran but my partner seems to wish to be told what to do...so....domme in training? lol
What trustworthy behaviors is he doing now?
He shows up everyday, been a rockstar with me thru the pandemic, he listens to me, we have fun and work together and build our lives in a beautiful way. we've spent 24/7 together since march and we've been doing wonderful things, built a beautiful home, share finances well, take care of our families.
What trustbreaking behaviors is he doing?
it seems he can't shake his connection to C tho they are friends i worry there is something he isn't telling me. through the four years he downplayed their relationship to me so i think he's doing that now. considering asking him to make a total break with her, but i feel that is a method of control i do not want to enact. I don't trust him to be transparent and clear with me, using slippery "lawyer type" language to provide smoke and mirrors over what he is doing with other women. i think he has an issue where he likes to please many different women so makes himself seem way more available to women than he is. that's my major issue. he is kind of addicted to his phone so i am paranoid he's just in his phone writing to many different women at once having them believe things that aren't true. the reason this bothers me is that i feel it will have untold problems later down the line, when they have expectations based on his behavior to them, he will blame me for the reason he can't continue, and these women will anger at me (this has happened before). it seems like his moral compass needs some work, and i wonder if poly isn't the best course of action for him...and i wonder if there is hope for him to change b/c although our relationship one on one is amazing this facet of him is troubling.
What about you, in your heart? If this went on too far and whatever new efforts are feeling like "too little too late" -- why be here? IS it too little too late? Would you be better off starting with a new partner "clean slate?"
i'm not sure! i waver between trying to make this work and leaving, it hurts my heart to leave and def afraid to start over: new home, new everything. as you wrote yourself, my partner and i built a life together as you did with your spouse so it's not easy to begin again so easily and as you say soul searching must be done.
What do YOU need to heal from this horrible experience?
not sure! but will think on it. besides leaving forever? lol...i'll have to think on it. all methods thus far i've tried, and i've tried many have not stuck or worked.