Redpepper needing some support

Hello,

I think your parents will come around. They have to, because you are their child, and they have to love you. I would say give them some time. My parents did not approve of my relationship either, but I cut them off because I wasn't going to let them take away from my happiness... And you know what happened? They reached out to me. I was content with staying inside my own family, and if they couldn't come around, then they meant they were hurting themselves by not being in my life. So, hang in there!
 
It's been a couple of months since I wrote on here, but there is some good news, and I like to spread that around too.

My parents went on a trip to Hawaii last month for two weeks. It was during the Olympics, and while they were there, there was an earthquake in South America that caused a tsunami in Hawaii. It was not a biggy, really, but to my dramatic mother these things are ALWAYS a big deal and she fussed greatly, called me several times, worried frantically, the whole bit. I was in Vancouver taking in the games a bit. My brother lives there, so we were able to be together as we waited for the emergency to pass. It all was okay and nothing came of it, but it changed things a bit, I think.

When they came back they made a beeline to our house to celebrate PN's birthday. He didn't invite them and was not expecting them, but they invited themselves and helped make homemade pizza with our family... and Mono was there!!!! They were relaxed and chatty and very friendly toward him!

It has been several weeks now and we have gotten back into having Sunday afternoon tea again. My mum has said a few things that are on the verge of an apology, in terms of mentioning that she sometimes flies off the handle and screws things up, that she knows I don't trust her anymore, etc. She has been very careful not to ask personal questions, as has my dad, and both of them keep their distance and haven't gotten back into calling, or dropping by every night without being announced.

It's baby steps. I still find myself being quiet about what I am doing in my life, but I have also taken to heart their worry that I don't have a strong relationship with my boy and have been working hard at finding things he and I like to do together.

So there it is... I'm keeping my fingers crossed and being very careful, but it's a step in a positive direction.
 
Wow that really does sound like some positive movement. Glad it is happening for you!
 
redpepper said:
It's baby steps and I still find myself being quiet about what I am doing in my life, but I have also taken to heart their worry that I don't have a strong relationship with my boy and have been working hard at finding things he and I like to do together.

So there it is.... I'm keeping my fingers crossed and being very careful, but it's a step in a positive direction.
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Awesome, RP. :) Time seems to cure a lot of things if we can just hang on!
 
Booklady made me think I should give another little update, as inspiration to her and hopefully others.

So I decided that the way to make change in my relationship with my parents was to call them once a week, and if possible, arrange to see them once a week. We seem to have worked this out to be for Sunday afternoon tea. My parents are Welsh and this suits them fine. "Tea" has always bonded us together. It is a memory from my childhood that has carried us into the present as a good and relaxing time together.

The other thing I have been doing is to make plans with them that are inspired by us, rather than them. It seems that if they make the plans then if we need to change them or have our own agenda for whatever reason that they become controlling and sometimes unreasonable. It's almost as if, when we make the plans, we are the hosts for the occasion, and what we say goes, and therefore they feel they can sit back and we will take care of things.

Anyway, today I called my mum, as it's the end of the week and this is the day I call. I asked what the plan is for Easter, if any, to which she replied there isn't one. My brother isn't coming to visit from out of town, so it will just be us in town. I suggested we have a potluck supper next Sunday for Easter. Mum asked where... I said that it depended if Mono was welcome at their house. Mum said, with a shrug in her voice, "Sure, what the heck."

Bingo! She is giving up her fight little by little. :)

It will be the first time he has been to their house since last August. Really, what is the point of her holding on to her arguments? He isn't going away. My relationship with her is recovering to a point where we do not discuss things that trigger us, but at least can be in each other's lives.
 
I was talking with my husband last night about coming out to my family. I'm not ready yet. They are a fairly religious bunch. My husband, on the other hand, thinks it may be time to tell his parents. It would make things a lot easier on us if they knew. His parents live fairly close by and have been picking up on things that aren't exactly typical. So it may just be better to tell them what is actually going on, rather than having them make up stories in their heads.

Your story gives me hope that even if we don't get acceptance right away, there is a chance they will slowly warm up to the idea.

We were joking about making a drinking game out of it by making a list of things we think they will say and taking a drink (or better yet, having them take a drink) every time they say one of them. :D

I hope you have an awesome Easter dinner with all of your family.

Derby
 
The other thing I have been doing is to make plans with them that are inspired by us rather than them. It seems like if they make the plans, then if we need to change them, or have our own agenda for whatever reason, they become controlling and sometimes unreasonable. It's almost as if, when we make the plans, we are the hosts for the occasion and what we say goes, and therefore they feel they can sit back and we will take care of things, if that makes sense.
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I was thinking "Well you are the host/hostess, then," just before I read that line! Yep, makes GREAT sense!

Mum asked where. I said that it depended if Mono was welcome at their house. Mum said, "Sure. What the heck."
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EXCELLENT! Patience is winning. Good job on all of your parts for being patience and diligent about being true to yourselves! I know it wasn't easy, but you are finally getting to the meat that makes it all worth it! I hope your Easter is great!
 
This is an excellent story and one that I'm sooo glad is being shared. I was lucky enough to be someone whose one parent was very supportive regarding my relationships. My boyfriend was not so lucky, but his family was not as much hostile as ambivalent. I know this is not always the case though, and the positive story should go a long way to inspiring others who may encounter problems. Patience and honesty are the best anyone can ask for. I really believe that, in most cases, when you act that way, people will come around.

I hope your dinner is excellent and the understanding between you all continues to grow.

<3
confidence
 
Sometimes it seems it is necessary to pick what to be guilty about with my parents.

This weekend, we had it all planned out that we would have Easter dinner, my parents and all four of us. I made some items to take to their house. Mono was to come too, for the first time since our coming out. We were all set to go and then my brother showed up with his girlfriend. No problem, since we'd decided that if they showed up, we were not going to drop our plans, necessarily, but work around them as much as we could. We used to feel as if we should drop everything, as that was the expectation.

PN had an overnight date with his boyfriend planned, so we had to kind of skirt the topic about where he was on Friday night and why he couldn't make it for an impromptu dinner at our house. There was disappointment and confusion about why he would be out at all on a Friday, let alone overnight. Shouldn't he be at home with his wife and child? :p

Mono and I made dinner and everyone enjoyed themselves. Mum even helped him make one of the dishes. Later, we all sat around and chatted into the evening while doing a puzzle.

Because Mono had been there, and because my brother's girlfriend mentioned at one point that she thought Mum was still a bit uncomfortable, we decided that Mono would not go to the Easter dinner that was originally planned, and would make other plans instead, so as to give us all some pre-Mono family time.

Well, Mum was disappointed and so was everyone else. She had gone out of the way to make it especially nice, with chocolate bunnies at our place settings and the whole bit. A quick potluck dinner had turned into a big deal and we didn't know it. So we felt bad, and were made to feel guilty because of their disappointment. So it goes in our family. One must always feel guilty and that they have disappointed someone in some way. It's a constant state that keeps us all balanced, it seems.

We remarked later, however, that it felt better to feel guilty because Mono wasn't there, than to feel guilty because he was there, which is what it felt like previously. A very different feeling. From now on, I think we will work on manipulating situations in order to make sure we feel guilty for what we want to feel guilty about, rather than what we really feel guilty about. (Does that make sense?) My men are catching on to my survival method in my family, a sad but necessary strategy, I'm afraid.

Mono showed up in time for dessert, and all went well.
 
RP, I mean no disrespect here, but it sounds like the whole family needs to mentally tell the sister-in-law to buzz off. In this example, I would say the mistake was in listening to her. It would have been better to ask your mom, "Hey Mum, it was so nice having you all over this evening and we've really enjoyed ourselves. I know we have plans for Easter. I just wanted to be sure that there weren't any new details I should know." That way, if she was wanting to "uninvite" Mono (very rude in Ms. Manners book), she could do so herself.

One of those details we all talked about on the communication thread... but it's hard to put into practice with people we've had "unhealthy" communication with our whole lives.

I would start practicing it with them, though. Never assume any single one of them knows what another is thinking. So, if one says another one wants/feels/needs X, go back to the other one and verify it. You don't have to start a rumor mill with, "So-and-so said you [...]" You can just say, "Hey Mum/Dad/bro/SIL, I was thinking you might like [...], but I thought I should ask," or, "Hey, how do you feel about [...]?"

They may hem and haw, but you will be teaching (through example) much healthier self-responsibility for speaking the truth of what they need/want, etc. And if your son witnesses your actions, it will help him be more confident in using the good communication skills he's learning with you, PN and Mono at home out in the real world too!
 
To me it sounds like Brother's Girlfriend™ was uncomfortable HERSELF (perhaps a bit concerned that RedPepper's Brother™ might also have inherited the Polyamorous Gene™?) and was trying to foist the responsibility for her own feeling onto RedPepper's Mom™.

Way to go, Brother's Girlfriend™.
 
LovingRadiance said:
RP-

I mean NO disrespect here, but it sounds like the whole family needs to mentally tell the sister in law to buzz off.

In this example I would say the mistake was in listening to her. It would have been better to ask your mom, "hey, mom it was SO nice having you all over this evening and we've REALLY enjoyed ourselves. I know we have plans for Easter, I just wanted to be sure that there weren't any new details I should know..."

That way if she WAS wanting to "uninvite" (way rude in Ms. Manners book) Mon she could do so herself.

One of those details we all talked about on the communication thread... but it's hard to put into practice with people we've had "unhealthy" communication with our whole lives.

I would start practicing it with them though. Never assume ANY single one of them knows what another is thinking.. so if one says another one wants/feels/needs, go back to the other one and verify it. You don't have to start a rumor mill with "so and so said you...". You can just say "hey mom/dad/bro/sil, I was thinking you might like... but I thought I should ask" or "hey m/d/b/s, how do you feel about...."

They may hem and haw, but you will be teaching (through example) much healthier self-responsibility for speaking the truth of what they need/want etc.
AND if your son witnesses your actions it will help him be more confident in using the good communication skills he's learning with you, PolyN and Mon at home-out in the 'real' world too!
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No offense taken. I totally agree. I should've checked with them specifically. My parents weren't present for our puzzle-time talk, and a lot came out about their disappointment about me disappearing from their lives to pursue Mono. They saw it as permanent. I saw it as an adjustment time. Essentially, I am asking them to invite Mono into our extended family. They didn't get that and thought I was choosing him over them. This is what I was told by my brother and his girlfriend. I was told that they still thought that way, and in a quick rash decision to make it right, Mono and I agreed he should back away a bit.

See, our family has always worked by making others feel guilty; controlling by imposing on each other's independent thoughts and lives. I have only realized this in the last few years and they haven't realized this at all. I guess I realized the second part of that, but not the guilt part. I have been doing the same thing in terms of control and have worked hard to not do that anymore. At the same time, I have worked hard to not feel guilty for things that are not my issue. We're talking a lifetime here, and a cultural thing, in that they are British and came from a culture of guilt and control, in a general sense (not saying that all Brits experience that).

I have learned a lot from my husband, and from people on here, about not playing into control through guilt and imposing on others independent thought. I wrote a thread last year about guilt and was surprised that no one got why I felt guilty. It made me wonder if I should. Very helpful in my endless self discovery.

I can't change them and their ways. I can do as I would have done to me, and be an example of how I want to be treated. I know that and do that, but it will take time. It is early days yet.

I know something about what makes them happy and feeling considered. That used to be to not invite Mono to every family event. I guess that has changed and I will adjust. I don't buy it, but will check in to be sure next time. The trouble is that checking doesn't mean I get a straight answer and I am often left guessing if I have been placated. Ah well, its a work in progress.
 
I feel your pain

LovingRadiance, her sister, and I went to church on Easter. It's the church we like most of all we've gone to. But it's also my parent's church.

I was nervous, but we went because it was time for us to go there again. I honestly don't remember the last time we were there, over a year ago, maybe closer to two. But I haven't even spoken to my mother in a year, since I ended our relationship, because of my lifestyle, goals and priorities.

She (they) know nothing about us being a "poly" family, although we've all been living together since 2003. But my stepfather's decision to try and control my life, and the lives of my family (LR/Maca/the kids), by saying our lives weren't blessed, and that things could be fixed if we'd only do as he instructed, forced me to make the decision to cut them off altogether.

I know my mother may not approve of my lifestyle, but she loves me and if I believed in it as much as I do, she'd be fine with it, and ever accepting, with open loving arms. However, she chose to side with her husband's decisions and in doing so, lost out.

I know it's hard, especially with your parents not accepting you for who you are. All I wanted was for them to be my parents and encourage me in doing something I believed in that wasn't hurting anyone, and just be glad I'm happy. But sometimes that's way too much to expect, or even desire.

But the good part is, that despite that sad part of your life, you DO have a family that loves, encourages, and accepts you for who you are, and is thrilled that you've found something in your life that makes you not only happy, but all worth it in the end.

And you have an extended family as well... us!

Hang in there, kiddo! God told me once that it wasn't my job to make them understand. My job was to do as he instructed and that was love, support, encourage, and strengthen this family. The rest is His responsibility (if you believe in that sort of thing).

You know your job. Do it the best you can, with all you've got. (Not sure if I'm really the one to say that right now, but I am anyway.)

Show your child that despite the heartaches, there is love. And the greatest there is, is love.

You're doing great, RP! Much love to you and your family!
 
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