Redpepper's journey

I went to a neighbouring city yesterday for a singing gig and got a chance to catch up with a friend of mine. Actually, I don't know him that well at all, as he gravitated to different people than I did a few years back. He was a godsend to me, more than he knows. Life is good, but I am so fucking wounded. I feel strong and then plummet and tremble at a moment's notice. He said some things to me that validated where I am at and made me feel less like everything is my fault, like it would be better off if I didn't exist.

He reminded me that I am a relationship geek, lol. Very true. I am. :)

Today I had a run-in with someone work related, and I'm left trembling and traumatised again. I can usually handle other peoples shit. I'm usually good at compartmentalising everything into my shit and their shit, but I've been taking everything on. I feel like the women I watched my mum work with at a home for battered women. They were so vulnerable, easily broken, cowardly under any harsh words. I feel abused, angry, sad and just helpless.

How do I get out of this feeling?

I talked to LB about the fact that we won't be going camping with Leo and his family this summer. He was visibly concerned and sad, but we had a long talk about how people come and go in our lives and how we just have to move on. I have been waiting to tell him because I wanted a clearer idea of alternatives. I am planning a camping trip for his school now and a birthday celebration for him on the May weekend that we usually go with them to camp. He seemed pleased with that and the conversation ended well.
 
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Forgiveness is giving up the right to retaliate. Forgiveness is the willingness to have something happen the way it happened. It's not true that you can't forgive something; it's a matter of the will, and you always have the choice. Forgiveness is never dependent on what the other person does or does not do; it is always under our control. Forgiveness is giving up the insistence on being understood....
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--Pixie Koestline Hammond (For Everything There Is a Season)

If I read I think I would read this book.
 
I finally decided I was ready to start another group the other day. For some time now, as is witnessed here in this blog, I have been thinking of starting a relationship group for discussions and support of people in relationships. I facilitate a women's group that revolves around discussing our relationships, sharing our lives, gaining support and giving it and allowing each other to talk and be ourselves. It has been tremendously helpful to me, and I like to think that the other women that attend also feel supported.

We used to have a men's group in town, but it never met regularly. Men got overlooked on the invite list, They couldn't decide what they wanted to accomplish and it vanished about a year ago. I get asked quite often if there is a men's group and why there isn't somewhere for the men to go. Well now there is, kinda :) I hope that it works out. I am not going to advertise it on FB, as I usually do, as it takes so much time and energy to keep the event up to date, remind people, encourage people. Instead I have posted in poly events all over with an email address for people to ask about the location of the meetings. I have had quite a few responses for the "poly pub night" I host from the Calendar site, so hopefully the same will ring true for this, as well. Frankly, I will be happy if it is a small group, for now. I want to see how it goes with the format I am planning and can always change it later.

I updated my OKCupid and POF profiles last night. POF was easy, I wasn't even in "active" mode. OKCupid still had my "fancy" (intimate friend) on there and various other things that I used to do, that I don't really do any more, or don't want to share. I am not sure why I thought it would be a good idea, but I am glad I did, as it made me feel uneasy and was a good way to look inside myself about whether I want to date again or not.

POF traumatized (PTS) me. :p I had some unbelievable experiences because of that site and they flooded back. It wasn't horrible or anything, just surprising and made me feel yucky. OKCupid made me feel a bit better, as I saw people I know and care about floating around my matches. :) I thought about what it would be like to date them/re-date them, and it just didn't fit. Still, there is something missing. I don't know what it is and am having a hard time putting my finger on it. Maybe it's just that Leo is missing.

Off on my retreat this weekend. I organized it about 6 months ago as a possible holiday this winter, to an out-of-season fishing resort. While I am looking forward to it, all the last minute stuff is coming up-- people canceling, people wanting toi come, the wood is wet, the dietary needs aren't met, there aren't enough beds, people with colds are coming, I am spending too much on food. It goes on and on. I just want to get there.

My fears are, as always:
I will not fit in
I will not get along with someone
I will be lonely as a result and feel abandoned
I will do something stupid
I will be overly emotional or under emotional
I will eat, drink, or sleep too much
I will be too much of a control freak
I will not be the leader that everyone looks to me for
I will generally fuck the whole thing up so that no one, including me, has a good time.

Its such a battle, lol. :rolleyes:

I realize that I carry some stuff from work with me into my social life around things like this, as we spend most of our day planning other people's lives for them.

I think I just need a real holiday, by myself, on my own agenda.

Date with my lovely Mono tonight. We have been discussing very briefly my going out into the dating world and getting another partner that he will have to confront himself with, in regards to sex. We were on the way to that with Leo. In fact, he gave me the thumbs up that he was ready to see how he feels about that, but I was never in a position to make sex possible with Leo, due to the infrequent times he wanted to see me and because he told me his wife didn't want that to be part of our relationship. So it never happened. I'm glad now. Interesting that it didn't at all make me feel any better about our break up. Turns out that, sex or not, I get just as connected to people. I learned something. FUCKING YAY! :cool:

I studied up on "compassion fatigue" today, as work is sending a bunch of us to a course. My co-worker is going to a course on that, and I have always been interested. My capacity to be compassionate is reaching an all-time low again.

Interesting how I promote the hell out of being compassionate in relationships, yet don't ever offer strategies on how to STAY compassionate. It's very complicated and I won't get into it here, but I hope to learn some skills on how to stay compassionate. One of the skills I learned today was about being in groups where compassion is built for one another in the form of reflective listening, words of affirmation, and other communication tools to support and love one another. It looks like I do that through the groups I host, in a way. I have to think about that more and how to make it so that there is more compassionate support for others. Ideas would be helpful, if anyone has any.

Link that is worth linking
 
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:) nice to have you home Lilo...I missed you. XOXXOOX I love you.
Your men hung out and had a good time!
 
The women's retreat I hosted and organized went fantastically well. I did all the organizing and behind-the-scenes stuff and a friend of mine organized a fire ritual at a park for the day we were there. Others pitched in and did small workshoppy groups and activities and we all enjoyed the beauty of the location, crafting, art, music, dance, talking, cooking, laughing, drinking, eating and sleeping. 17 beautiful poly women with so many interesting things to say and give. I was inspired, proud and honoured to be part of them and to have created this weekend for them. :)

I have been doing a course with PN on "Relationships and Spirituality." Last week I completely broke down while in a blessing ritual. I want to know that I am okay. I need release from believing my negative self-talk. The woman that is conducting the course was very kind to me and reminded me that I am good enough, I am enough, I am worthy, my presence is worth something. I was so relieved to hear this. I didn't say anything about why I needed to hear that I was okay, yet she knew just what to say. A small release... :) Every little bit leads to healing.

I did an art piece around a part of the book "The Little Prince." It was a bit about him looking for his flower and how the echoes talk back to him because the flower is gone and he has no one to talk to. He misses his flower because she always talks first. (Chapter 19)

I decided I needed to listen to the silence around me and see what it tells me. What a perfect time to go on the retreat, as I had a chance to look out onto the ocean and the shoreline and listen to nature. Everything about what it said told me that I am worthy of being here. Everything about bringing all those women together told me that I have a purpose. :) There were no words, but I just knew that I am what I am and I have a reason for being alive.
 
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Someone in another thread mentioned that it stands to reason that someone's approach to their home life and marriage to another is a good indication of how they would act in their life with me. This is a good point that I intend to remember. If they blow off their wife, or allow themselves to be bullied and manipulated by their partner, struggle to balance their time with them, speak poorly of them, then that is likely how they will be with me. Of course, that could be a positive thing also.

Next partner up that's married, I intend to do a lot of investigating in this area. Really, anyone who is date-worthy could tell me about their last situations with partners and I would get an idea. It's made me look back and consider what I have experienced. I hadn't really put it into words before, but in hindsight, many of my partnered partners had similar interactions with me (some assumed I would be like their partner) as they did with their partners. I also intend to look at how I am with my partners and what I present to the world. That is also important.
 
Mental note...no more smack talk about my hubby :D (and now I bet he's wondering if I really talk smack about him or not). Hehehehehe
 
Derbylicious said:
Mental note...no more smack talk about my hubby :D (and now I bet he's wondering if I really talk smack about him or not). Hehehehehe
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This is a positive and negative thing as much as it is a way of understanding and accepting how others are. Everyone is just themselves. I get that. We all have our issues and strengths.

Reading into what I post as if it's directed to anyone specific is really not a good idea, because it likely is not.

Besides, it's a two-way thing. You can think about how I am in my relationships and get a really good idea of what to expect.
 
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redpepper said:
This is a positive and negative thing as much as its a way of understanding and accepting how others are. Everyone is just themselves and I get that. We all have our issues and strengths.

Reading into what I post as if its directed to anyone specific is really not a good idea, because its likely not.
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I wasn't reading into it, I just think I'm funny today. I better stop now. I've been ruffling all kinds of feathers. :eek: So much of tone is lost over text.
 
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I had a lovely conversation today with a lovely man. I warned him that I would not be who he thinks I am, at some point. He simply reminded me of some of the common friends we have and how he is with them. This made me smile and feel a whole lot better about being me, complicated and simple all at the same time. I am blessed to have the pleasure of some really beautiful people in my midst who are "good" inside and out.

I am in need of nothing. :)
 
Mono is going through some shit. He's not getting what he needs from me, I fear, regardless of how I try. If I didn't have my own stuff going, on I could be more present and be, I dunno, whatever he wants me to be. Stupid, I know. I realize I will always be going through stuff and that I will never be who he wants me to be, regardless of how I try. It's my own insecurity that gets in the way. I know that. Having a mono partner means I am his everything. I fear I don't and can't live up to that sometimes.

Derby facilitated the women's group this month for the first time. I'm sure she did an excellent job. It was the first break in over two years for me. I was grateful for it. Derby is also going through stuff and I am kinda flailing there too. I am just here really, doing whatever, feeling inadequate and boring and not worth being with. I know, it's not true, but it's my shit and I am going to blog it anyway. Maybe I am just bored with myself.

PN is in the thick of major changes that he tells me about in a profound way. I think we are awesome and fucked up, all at the same time. No idea what the hell we are doing.

PN saw Leo's wife today. It seems they might spend some time together. Maybe LB will get to see his friends. Leo said that maybe it was me LB's friend's parents didn't want to spend time with. If that is the case, then I am glad to step back and allow PN to be the one who facilitates him continuing his friendships. I am glad to step back and have everyone make the most out of the situation. I don't want the hatred she feels towards me, and the pain I feel, to influence anyone else's friendships. I am filled with compersion and happy to let it go, with the blessing of happy friendships. Never thought compersion could be established in such a way.

Life seems to be about starting new friendships lately, or spending time with people that I think are worth investing in; people that have proven to be stable and like-minded in terms of investing for the long haul. I have an old friend that I have connected with who is leaving soon. It makes me sad, as I have seen him go through a complete transformation in his life, and he is stronger and more beautiful than ever. He continues to be rooted in similar values to me in terms of nurturing relationships that are important.

It makes me sad that we will be parted, but it's time he moved on and got out of here to see the world again.

In his place, a new friend has come along, the one of which I spoke in my last post. (I don't know what Mono means by his "role model," I will have to ask him.) This friend is confusing me. He has been around for awhile, supporting me by coming to my shows, always telling me how he thinks I'm a positive person who brings a smile to his face. He is so pure with his dedication and ideas on who he thinks I am. I fear he is delusional. I am finding it hard to trust that I won't appear as something different with the passing of time. Paranoia.

I guess time will tell. He is another mono man-- a mono man with a poly girlfriend. She has encouraged him and me to spend time together for awhile, but it just hasn't happened. I'm not sure where this going. I'm confused.

Tonight I sit alone at a local bar, texting my new friend, telling him to stay at home. My beer is done. I'm filled with sorrow at the loss of my old 'nachos and beer' love. The bluegrass band is starting up, but I think I will just go home.
 
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Hey RP,

I read a few of your first posts, and then a few of your most recent ones. Seems like you have a very interesting life, relationship-wise, I mean, and being new here, it's really intriguing to me, in a good way. :)

It seems you are also going through some troubles, :( but on the other hand, you seem like a very strong and positive person, so I have little doubt there isn't much you can't overcome. :)

Looking forward to reading more.
 
Hi RP,

I haven't been on the forum for ages due to study, work and having sorted out our poly/mono status to the point where it is no longer an issue for us. NYCindie messaged me to remind me to get rid of the links to my blog (which I have taken down) and I just had to check in on your blog to see how you are doing.

I found the rather sad post of a few days ago very interesting. It added weight to my suspicions that in polyamorous relationships it is more difficult to maintain the depth of relatedness over the long term.

Try not to be sad. You have so many people in your life who love you.

Take care,
Sage
 
sage said:
NYCindie messaged me to remind me to get rid of the links to my blog (which I have taken down).
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LOL, well, I didn't ask you to get rid of your links. I just wanted to know where your blog was. I do hope you've saved the pages and will consider moving it to another server or blog host, even if you can't add to it. There was some lovely reading there.
 
Thanks Sage, streetracer. I'm doing great and I will be fine. :) Life is not so dramatic. It seems so on here, but really, it's just ticking along.

I am happy that people are moving on and finding ways to reconnect even if Leo and I aren't. I am not sure what will happen but I have heard of a few times where the water has been tested and has only been found warm to the question of friendships staying intact. Its a shame I will likely not ever be friends with Leo's wife's boyfriend as a result of all this. I immediately cut all contact with him, out of respect and assurance that I am not interested in dating him. (It was he that thought all that up.) Maybe in time I will say hi on FB chat or something and see how he's doing. I miss talking to him there. We did for many months.

It's interesting that what I miss the most are the texts, chats, emails, IMs and other things that took time out of my day. Those kind of things made my day. Now they are gone, I miss them. I have been filling the space in slowly with new people. My happiness has returned slowly, even if I am very cautious right now about whether I am welcome.

We had a fire on the beach last night to celebrate the full moon. There was a great group of us there all talking at once, happy for a relatively warm spring night and a chance at being reminded that summer is around the corner. It was interesting to see how my presence was with my new friend's girlfriend. I think she was okay. Maybe a liiiittle threatened. Not too much, I don't think. I know what it's like to be in her position so I remained inclusive and friendly to everyone, including her. There is no threat, but she doesn't know that.

I am liking the attention, the excitement of someone being interested in me again and reminding myself that so far, it's only that. It's not a situation of crossing over to partnership, I don't think. I need to be careful that I don't fall into thinking that it's more than friendship. I don't know what will happen.

I have expressed that I am a friend, and that I don't want to use this friendship to fill the void I feel over losing Leo. I don't think it's an issue. I just don't want to be selfish. The only reply I got was that we would be using each other, because he needs my positive energy and I need to be appreciated for it. I will go with that for now. :)

Poly friendships are confusing. The assumption that it could be more is always there and it makes it all, well, awkward. It's all so all or nothing sometimes, and everyone watches to see what's going on. Monogamy is so cut and dried, friends, not friends. Once partnered, everyone else is friend material and the depth of more is not invited, intended or considered.

Hard work going on. As usual.
 
I had a really good convo with my friend's partner today after I wrote. She called to get some of her thoughts off her chest, even though it was advised that she not do that by my friend. I am so glad she did. I much prefer those hard conversations that are filled with fear and tears than _nothing_. It makes me feel that I am approachable, trustworthy and a good metamour to be relied upon for the truth and some bonding over the wonderfulness of the person we both care about.

Now to go about creating an open and honest ring of communication between all of us so that she doesn't feel threatened needlessly again. My friend and I might as well be dating, the amount of effort going into this in under a week. LOL

Poly cracks me up! :D
 
"Change is what happens when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of changing." Marilyn Schiltz

About now? This feels right. ;)

When I think of where I was this time last year, and all the changes that have gone on outside of my immediate family, I am filled with wonder. It seems like the cycle continues. Change is coming and has come. The pain of remaining the same is less and less. The pain of change has been more prominent, but is waning slowly. A process is coming to an end and new things begin with the spring. :) I feel it with my loves, as well. Things are turning and churning...
 
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