Resources/Advice for Secondaries

M

Minxxa

New member
I don't really care for the word secondary, but hey, at least most peeps here will know what I mean, in general. :)

Short and sweet, hubs and I have been together for 10 years, always nonmonogamous but had a lot of other relational issues. We've worked through them recently and are good, but still working. He is stationed 3000 miles away right now, and has met someone he really cares for. I'll call her his GF but they always tease they don't "date". Uh-huh. :)

Anyway, his GF is trying to figure out where she fits in this whole situation. She's known about me from the beginning, he's been very open, but it's not a familiar situation. Combine that with the time limit they have (he comes home in August), and the fact that she's not just in a relationship with him, she's peripherally in a relationship with me (as in there are times I need him to do something for me and it can interfere with what they want to do, though I try not to do that).

What I told hubs is... there is no "role" per se. She has to figure out what she needs and wants, you have to figure out what you need and want, and I need to figure out what I need and want. And we have to work together to make sure everybody's getting enough at least some of the time, and nobody's getting rolled over any of the time. And sometimes NONE of us will have things the way we would ultimately want, and that's just part of the deal.

I did get a chance to talk to her last weekend and that was nice. I do really like her. I think it's just an adjustment period that's been accelerated because of the time issue.

She and hubs are going to talk about this more tonight, but I was hoping some of the people on here who have been involved with someone that had a primary relationship could offer either some advice, or some resources. She's read Ethical Slut because that's the only book hubs knows. I'm going to send Opening Up home with him as well. But anything that people found helpful would be nice. I'd like to give her some food for thought about the whole thing and the only POV I have is mine. :)
 
How's about directing her here. There are some great threads here for secondaries. Just do a tag search for "secondary" and see. There is one called "the secondaries bill of rights" or something that is really helpful for one.
 
I will definitely do that, we have to talk about it because she may or may not feel comfortable hopping on here and asking questions, and presenting her issues with me on here already. I would hope so, but we need to talk about it and see if there are any concerns.

I did do a search for secondary and didn't find what I was looking for today, but will when I have more time. :) That thread you listed looks interesting for sure...
 
You can find the Secondary's Bill of Rights at xeromag.com, here: http://www.xeromag.com/fvsecondary.html (also other stuff about secondaries on that page).

I am really new at this, and just embarking on a new relationship with Burnsy who is married. So, I'm a secondary, though I don't think of myself really that way. What made me feel good about entering this relationship were two things: I asked him what "rules" Burnsy and his wife have between them, and was satisfied that none of them create a conflict with what I would want from being involved with him; AND the email I got from my metamour which told me that she will wait until he and I establish our relationship on our terms before she attempts to get to know me. She's not going to be monitoring him and me. Basically, she's acknowledged both my and his individuality and autonomy, and I appreciate that and feel respected because of it.

She wrote to me that she feels "so much joy from watching him experience being able to share himself" and that their ability to embrace polyamory and her compersion comes from "such a healthy place that wonderful, healthy things grow from it." She told me that she has no worries or insecurities about where she fits into Burnsy's life, which was reassuring because I don't want any fucking drama.

One thing I told Burnsy was that I want any decisions we make about our relationship be based on our relationship, and not his relationship with her (as in, I don't want to find myself left high and dry if one night she comes home in tears after a fight with her bf and says, "That's it, we're done with poly!" - because it was her idea to open their relationship in the first place). So, if he commits (something) to me, he commits to me. As a separate individual in relationship with him, not as an appendage to what he has already. I respect what they have but I will not defer my needs for hers. Of course, I have no control over anything they do and will deal with whatever comes up, but the promise (illusion?) of my boundaries being respected goes a long way.

Burnsy and I have only been communicating online thus far and are meeting in real life for the first time Monday, so who knows? It might all fall apart after that, but these are my thoughts going in, about being a secondary.
 
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There is a thread that is a sticky too "primary/secondary merged threads." The bill of rights was discussed here from xeromags article. Its on the second page of the tag search. Sorry, I am using my phone and am unable to copy the link right now. Hope that helps. A serach for "unicorn" might help too only because they tend to be secondaries.
 
Ill pass that along but its probly best that she ask the questions herself. I want to be helpful but at the same time not insert myself into the relationship.
 
Hi MInexxa,

I think the most important thing for anyone that's currently in a 'secondary' position (we all hate that term but as you say - we also know what it means) is to keep everything in perspective.

This 'secondary' status in a relationship is little different than when you start a new job, join a new club/team etc. There's 'history'. There's current activities and patterns in place. Etc etc. This is really the same.
And what happens over time ? We get integrated and WE become part of this web. And then someone else may come in new.

In other words, however it is and however we see things TODAY is subject to evolving. Patience is the key. And markers for forward movement.

At some point it 'clicks'. We realize that the relationships are not so much primary/secondary as they are unique and different. But in the beginning that's harder to see.

Patience............

GS
 
nycindie said:
One thing I told Burnsy was that I want any decisions we make about our relationship be based on our relationship, and not his relationship with her (as in, I don't want to find myself left high and dry if one night she comes home in tears after a fight with her bf and says, "That's it, we're done with poly!" - because it was her idea to open their relationship in the first place). So, if he commits (something) to me, he commits to me. As a separate individual in relationship with him, not as an appendage to what he has already. I respect what they have but I will not defer my needs for hers. Of course, I have no control over anything they do and will deal with whatever comes up, but the promise (illusion?) of my boundaries being respected goes a long way.
Click to expand...

Maybe I'm too cynical but if this is his first extra-monogamous relationship, there's a chance she is just supporting him because she thinks it will make him less frustrated in their relationship. In other words, she may not really be emotionally prepared for the feelings of him being involved with someone other than her, in which case things may change quickly. She may either fight for him or dump him, and in either case it will change his approach to you. Good luck.
 
www.polymatchmaker.com is a good place as well. Since you're not there she may feel more comfortable opening up there.

I'll second (or third) www.xeromag.com totally!

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/polyfamilies/?yguid=232353091is a poly group. They don't deal JUST with poly. They also do every day life stuff. The originator of xeromag is a member as is the author of http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/ . There's also, for WOMEN only, http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Women_of_Polyamory/?yguid=115075897 . They have a facebook group as well so if anyone wants an invite send me a PM either with your info or to get mine so we can add each other.
 
serialmonogamist said:
nycindie said:
One thing I told Burnsy was that I want any decisions we make about our relationship be based on our relationship, and not his relationship with her (as in, I don't want to find myself left high and dry if one night she comes home in tears after a fight with her bf and says, "That's it, we're done with poly!" - because it was her idea to open their relationship in the first place). So, if he commits (something) to me, he commits to me. As a separate individual in relationship with him, not as an appendage to what he has already. I respect what they have but I will not defer my needs for hers. Of course, I have no control over anything they do and will deal with whatever comes up, but the promise (illusion?) of my boundaries being respected goes a long way.
Click to expand...

Maybe I'm too cynical but if this is his first extra-monogamous relationship, there's a chance she is just supporting him because she thinks it will make him less frustrated in their relationship. In other words, she may not really be emotionally prepared for the feelings of him being involved with someone other than her, in which case things may change quickly. She may either fight for him or dump him, and in either case it will change his approach to you. Good luck.
Click to expand...
I don't think you're reading the situation correctly. It's in my blog if you want. His wife is the one who approached him to open their relationship (slightly less than a year ago) because she had someone in her sights and that person is now her boyfriend. He agreed after much discussion, but hasn't been too successful in meeting other women willing to invest in a relationship with a married guy. In all that time, he's been sexual with two other women (one was a threesome with his wife) but they just didn't evolve into a long-term thing for him. It's really more like he got into poly to support her, not the other way around. She is aware that he and I are in contact pretty much every day, and she knows he's taking a trip next week to be with me (it's LDR). Plus, she has a very busy work schedule and, except for mornings and one full day a week, he's pretty much on his own the rest of the time, so his relationship(s) with anyone else won't interfere with theirs much at all.

Still, in the back of my mind, I'm bracing for it to end at any time. Ya just never know at this early stage. But if it does end, I don't think it would be because of her not supporting him. I just feel that since he went along with her desire to be poly, there's a possibility he'd give it up for her if things went sour with her OSO and she had second thoughts or felt wounded by it all.
 
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nycindie said:
Still, in the back of my mind, I'm bracing for it to end at any time. Ya just never know at this early stage. But if it does end, I don't think it would be because of her not supporting him. I just feel that since he went along with her desire to be poly, there's a possibility he'd give it up for her if things went sour with her OSO and she had second thoughts or felt wounded by it all.
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Ok, thanks for filling me in on the context. I didn't get that she was already seeing someone else. Yeah, you're right that she could freak out when she gets a dose of insecurity from the fact that he actually CAN establish a relationship with someone else. People can encourage their partners into exploration because they see them as clingy, etc. without realizing how much self-esteem they get by sub-consciously comparing themselves to the clingy partner. I think this is why many people who leave their partner suddenly come begging when they find someone new. Anyway, for your sake I hope that doesn't happen. But are you comfortable with the possibility that they're relationship might just fade leaving you as his primary (and only) partner?
 
serialmonogamist said:
But are you comfortable with the possibility that they're relationship might just fade leaving you as his primary (and only) partner?
Click to expand...
I don't see their marriage fading. They're very much in love and devoted to each other. If anything fades, it would be him and me. For one thing, we live in different cities, so it will require some work to keep it going. And he is still seeking someone closer to home, besides me. And I'm doing the same, 'cause I wanna have someone 'round the corner, too, so to speak.

As for me, I'll just go with the flow of whatever happens. My thing is... as long as I feel respected, I'm in. And I can deal with whatever curve balls life throws me.
 
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Stolen from another thread

I've formed a group for Secondaries to help deal with the Primaries in relationships. Of course Redpepper's husband was a great help in "deciding" what I should call it.

It's called the "Primary Interaction Support Service" or PISS for short...errr wait now...WTF?!

Friday night fun :eek:
 
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