Pimvanloen
New member
Okay, that might be a bit of a provocative title but what I meant here is that I'm very open to criticism. I want to learn where I went wrong, where can I grow, yadi yadi yada.
I've been in a relationship for 2,5 years with my long distance partner. We had a wonderful connection, sexual life, and great fun. He has been the most healthy partner for me that I have ever had, and I feel like I can be more like myself than ever before (I'm making it sound perfect, which it absolutely wasn't, but I think that's human). We have been monogamous, though I have been interested in non-monogamy throughout my life, but kind of been seeing it as a thing of the future, because I did not feel evolved enough in my emotion regulation to really pursue it yet. I just did not feel ready. Plus, I felt that I wanted to be able to heal at least part of my attachment trauma (I'm both very anxious and avoidant) before I pursued more than one relationship, as I felt that ENM would just be a way for me to avoid emotional intimacy. Therefore, I chose to pursue monogamy, at least for the time being.
However, since a year or so my partner hasn't been able to fulfill my sexual needs (though it's a bit more complex than that, I'll stick to these words to avoid complexity) - I have a really big big big struggle with sexual boredom in long-term relationships, but I was finally ready to start working on it, to be responsible for my sexuality and just try. It has not been easy, and it still is a lot of work. But my partner started to lose interest in that part a bit - we definitely had sex during the times when I visited him, but the experimenting stopped, the long-distance sexy phone calls stopped. I kept voicing that I felt like my needs were not met, I tried to talk with him about his sexuality, but he wasn't able to change it (which is human and understandable too). Again, I voiced to him that my needs were not met, but I did not say something like "if it doesn't change, I will want to open the relationship", because that just felt shitty and manipulative. And there might be a possibility that I did not voice the struggle clearly enough, because I mostly said "I miss sexuality" or I asked him questions about what's happening with him, or why we don't have phone calls like that anymore. Beside this part of the relationship, all other parts worked fine and I do feel very close with him.
Fast forward to some weeks ago - I was at an event (with him, funnily enough) where someone was doing some shibari. I have been interested in that for a long time and my partner encouraged me to be tied. And oh dear, was that a nice experience. After a long time of my needs not being met, this new interesting person and experience was like a drug. Interestingly, at the time, I did not really understand what I liked about it exactly, as it did not even feel very sexual to me (I would say, more like an adventurous new experience that I really liked). I voiced that to my partner, and said that I would really like to meet this person again for this experience. He said that shibari is sexual and I convinced him it wasn't for me (it really did feel purely like a mental thing, it didn't really arouse me at the time). The convincing turned into a long big fight. But, after meeting with this shibari person for a second time, I realized I do feel really attracted to him and the experience, and that I desire it, a lot. I did not want to hide anything from my partner, so after this meeting I immediately told him that my perception changed and that I felt that the sexual part is something I want to pursue. This hurt my partner intensely, because he felt like I was not clear from the beginning, and that I was bullshitting him. On top of that, he said that I SHOULD have said that if nothing changes, that I would open the relationship. And honestly, I don't know if I truly was wrong here or if I wasn't. He also feels that I don't care about him, because he's hurting a lot because of my actions. And in turn, I feel like a terribly selfish person, because I know that my need (or my behavior?) is hurting my partner.
So now there is this thing where I don't know what I should do. I voiced that I would like to pursue this shibari thing with this person, and that I would like to meet him around once or twice per week. But after some conversations with trusted people, they told me that I might need to break up instead. I'm really torn, because I do feel like the connection with my partner could still continue, if my needs are being met otherwise. But my partner doesn't know if he wants to be nonmonogamous (obviously, this is something he needs to figure out) but he says that the way things were started with this other person makes him feel like he cannot trust me. Plus, he is against the idea of opening the relationship "for a specific person", and that it should be done differently, that I hurried too much. And funnily enough, he started to now see that his porn habit and some other stuff was really the thing that blocked his sexuality for me, and he wants to change. Which, in turn, hurts me a lot because now I developed a (albeit small) bond with another person, and the change comes in a very, very wrong time - possibly "too late".
In turn, I feel very torn because this new experience might just be a complete NRE bomb for me, and I don't know if letting a partner go who says he wants to work on things with me (even when it's late-ish) is a good idea at all. I truly love our bond, and did not want to necessarily let it go. But honestly, I also really want to spend time with this other person.
I've been in a relationship for 2,5 years with my long distance partner. We had a wonderful connection, sexual life, and great fun. He has been the most healthy partner for me that I have ever had, and I feel like I can be more like myself than ever before (I'm making it sound perfect, which it absolutely wasn't, but I think that's human). We have been monogamous, though I have been interested in non-monogamy throughout my life, but kind of been seeing it as a thing of the future, because I did not feel evolved enough in my emotion regulation to really pursue it yet. I just did not feel ready. Plus, I felt that I wanted to be able to heal at least part of my attachment trauma (I'm both very anxious and avoidant) before I pursued more than one relationship, as I felt that ENM would just be a way for me to avoid emotional intimacy. Therefore, I chose to pursue monogamy, at least for the time being.
However, since a year or so my partner hasn't been able to fulfill my sexual needs (though it's a bit more complex than that, I'll stick to these words to avoid complexity) - I have a really big big big struggle with sexual boredom in long-term relationships, but I was finally ready to start working on it, to be responsible for my sexuality and just try. It has not been easy, and it still is a lot of work. But my partner started to lose interest in that part a bit - we definitely had sex during the times when I visited him, but the experimenting stopped, the long-distance sexy phone calls stopped. I kept voicing that I felt like my needs were not met, I tried to talk with him about his sexuality, but he wasn't able to change it (which is human and understandable too). Again, I voiced to him that my needs were not met, but I did not say something like "if it doesn't change, I will want to open the relationship", because that just felt shitty and manipulative. And there might be a possibility that I did not voice the struggle clearly enough, because I mostly said "I miss sexuality" or I asked him questions about what's happening with him, or why we don't have phone calls like that anymore. Beside this part of the relationship, all other parts worked fine and I do feel very close with him.
Fast forward to some weeks ago - I was at an event (with him, funnily enough) where someone was doing some shibari. I have been interested in that for a long time and my partner encouraged me to be tied. And oh dear, was that a nice experience. After a long time of my needs not being met, this new interesting person and experience was like a drug. Interestingly, at the time, I did not really understand what I liked about it exactly, as it did not even feel very sexual to me (I would say, more like an adventurous new experience that I really liked). I voiced that to my partner, and said that I would really like to meet this person again for this experience. He said that shibari is sexual and I convinced him it wasn't for me (it really did feel purely like a mental thing, it didn't really arouse me at the time). The convincing turned into a long big fight. But, after meeting with this shibari person for a second time, I realized I do feel really attracted to him and the experience, and that I desire it, a lot. I did not want to hide anything from my partner, so after this meeting I immediately told him that my perception changed and that I felt that the sexual part is something I want to pursue. This hurt my partner intensely, because he felt like I was not clear from the beginning, and that I was bullshitting him. On top of that, he said that I SHOULD have said that if nothing changes, that I would open the relationship. And honestly, I don't know if I truly was wrong here or if I wasn't. He also feels that I don't care about him, because he's hurting a lot because of my actions. And in turn, I feel like a terribly selfish person, because I know that my need (or my behavior?) is hurting my partner.
So now there is this thing where I don't know what I should do. I voiced that I would like to pursue this shibari thing with this person, and that I would like to meet him around once or twice per week. But after some conversations with trusted people, they told me that I might need to break up instead. I'm really torn, because I do feel like the connection with my partner could still continue, if my needs are being met otherwise. But my partner doesn't know if he wants to be nonmonogamous (obviously, this is something he needs to figure out) but he says that the way things were started with this other person makes him feel like he cannot trust me. Plus, he is against the idea of opening the relationship "for a specific person", and that it should be done differently, that I hurried too much. And funnily enough, he started to now see that his porn habit and some other stuff was really the thing that blocked his sexuality for me, and he wants to change. Which, in turn, hurts me a lot because now I developed a (albeit small) bond with another person, and the change comes in a very, very wrong time - possibly "too late".
In turn, I feel very torn because this new experience might just be a complete NRE bomb for me, and I don't know if letting a partner go who says he wants to work on things with me (even when it's late-ish) is a good idea at all. I truly love our bond, and did not want to necessarily let it go. But honestly, I also really want to spend time with this other person.
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