Sailing Solo

[Reverie]

My love language is scheduling.

Hehehe, this made me grin! I don't know what my "official" love languages are, but scheduling is definitely one path to my heart!

 

[Atlantis]

Two posts ago I write that I should drop asking/pointing out to Prof about the irregular quality of the sex and the lack of BDSM play.
I went round to his house last night and he had had a GF round for a play session in the BD play room the night before. My stomach twisted up, very jealous. I told Prof straight away that I was jealous and he said we could play " If I wanted" not that he wanted to. The other part that I didn't mention to him was that I knew if he had a lot of sex the night before then he wouldn't be able/want to have sex the next night.
After the movie we went back to his and he got in a few digs about my texting and emails.
I am aware of the problem. Jay is not a fan of the high volume messaging wither and has long response times. I have been working on reducing the texting for a while.
I pulled the data from the past week. He texted 44 times, I texted 41. I sent the first text 7 times, he did 6 times. Seems fairly equal to me. Texts tend to be grouped by time and on a particular topic. I also email news article links and will email if something requires more info than a text. I probably do more of those than he does, but it is not daily. My understanding is he texts or speaks to the other GFs far less regularly though he said Ms North ( unnamed up till now ) texts him every day. I have told him twice he doesn’t have to do the take-off and landing texts anymore, he flies so much, but he said he liked to do those. My conclusion; if he is in the mood then he likes the contact, if he is not in the mood then he doesn’t. Fair summation?

So back to last night. Prof said he doesn’t mind the volume but more that I expect him to reply promptly. I replied that I thought we had an agreement; I do not expect him to reply promptly to random crap but do if it is scheduling. He said I imply that a prompt response is required.
Data Says: I sent 6 questions in the last week out the 41 texts. All questions were schedule/meeting time related and 1 was ”Are you home for a cup of tea?” as I was in the area. The rest was chit chat crap and responses to his messages. I am consciously trying not to ask questions so that a reply isn’t required.
Then he brought up the time when he dropped out of contact for 2 days ( on vacation with Ms Music) and I was worried and asked him what was going on. I thought we had discussed that on a few occasions and were done with it. Conclusion there was : It is ok if he drops off for a couple of days but not ok if I do it.
He is the one who goes on about not recycling events and bringing them up again.
I don’t want to schedule time with him and have disappointing sex. I am quite sure in his eyes I am the one who refused sex last night. I did not want a Pity play session. He made no moves on me, I knew he wouldn’t. I am tired of initiating and asking. I have to accept that he doesn’t like to play with me in that way. I am sad. I am crying.

 

[Atlantis]

Hi Reverie. I need to work on the fact not everyone's love languages are the same and that I am too caught up in scheduling.

I continue to be confused by what he wants. I am trying to mirror his behavior and respect his need for space and he is the one texting me with "Where are you?" and "Hello?" after I did not reply for 43 minutes. I shit you not. He offered to call to chat. I ignored it. I offered to call him to chat when he had a bad day last week, actually I did call and left a message.He brushed me off. I am avoiding him, mirroring his behavior. I went to the gym.
My thoughts are spinning exactly the same way they did with my ex. If only I was thinner, stronger, stayed up later, wasn't so tired, worked harder, made more money, kept my house cleaner, cooked more, better parent, better friend then...
I did a chart thing way back, what I want from a relationship. 3 things. Sex, activities and communication. Kip did 2. Prof did 2, I feel like it is turning into 1.
I spent an hour cleaning out my car. I am driving us all to the city. Of course I am, no-one else offered. I don't even want to go anymore. I don't want to stay over at Prof's house tonight. I want a break. I might suggest a break of a week or so.

 

[IndieSolo]

I continue to be confused by what he wants. I am trying to mirror his behavior and respect his need for space and he is the one texting me with "Where are you?" and "Hello?" after I did not reply for 43 minutes. I shit you not . . .

My thoughts are spinning exactly the same way they did with my ex. If only I was thinner, stronger, stayed up later, wasn't so tired, worked harder, made more money, kept my house cleaner, cooked more, better parent, better friend then . . .

Oh, not a fun place to be. I think he knows how to get under your skin and does it because your independence frightens him. I don't know if mirroring him is a productive thing to do. What about being yourself, owning that you have certain needs and wants, putting your energies on people who meet those needs and wants, and not apologizing for them in any way? I know, easier said than done, but it always seems like things do improve between you two when you stop trying to guess what he wants and acting the way you think he wants you to act, and instead stand up for yourself and remember who you are nand where you want to be.

I hope that doesn't sound like New Age-y gobbledegook.

I did a chart thing way back, what I want from a relationship. 3 things. Sex, activities and communication. Kip did 2. Prof did 2, I feel like it is turning into 1.

It's good to review things like that and see if you're getting what you want. How can you manifest the things you want in life? By focusing your energy on those things rather than focusing on the problems or how to step around his demands or neediness. Yes, he treats you well a lot of the time, but that doesn't mean you obligated to appease him, and there are times when he is mean and other times when he falls short. I think I am going to make a list of what I want in my relationships, too - good idea.

I don't want to stay over at Prof's house tonight. I want a break. I might suggest a break of a week or so.

It sure sounds like you do need a break! Regroup, refresh, get feet back on stable ground.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

I read your blog often and find it inspirational.

I love how you live your life, look for what you want, care for your children and still manage to study.

Prof sounds to me like a rich, older bloke who is used to getting what he wants out of life. Your accounts read like he is threatened by your independence and is doing what he can to bring you back in line.

He's clearly fun to be around and it is obvious that there is lots of love and care between you guys.

Scheduling can be a real control thing I think (not necessarily intended) and at best it is thoughtless to not respond. If you text on Monday and say - 'how about we get together on Wednesday?' and Prof doesn't reply until Wednesday morning, it almost certainly guarantees that if he doesn't want to see you, there won't be time to organise something else to do.

If getting child free time is needed, it is even more limiting if that is the only day you have free to do things.

Art and I used to fall out about it lots. Most of the friends that Art sees regularly live close to him. They are able to make arrangements at very short notice and just turn up to meet each other. He was in the habit of doing that with me.

My life is different. I have friends who are scattered around and who don't all know each other. Seeing them means making arrangements in advance. Art's approach was regularly impacting on my other plans because I would wait to hear from him.

We used to argue about it regularly until eventually Art realised how I live. He saw the impact and now he's much more likely to schedule things with me in advance. It helps also that we have developed more usual days to see each other. If I don't hear from Art, I tend to assume now that it is fine to make my own arrangements - and it is. He doesn't get irritated if he doesn't get back to me and then by the time he does, I'm busy. Even if it means I'm busy doing things that will wipe me out for the next day too - I have one friend who I tend to have adventures with. Going and staying with her for a night usually means I'm not up for doing anything at all the next day.

IP

 

[Atlantis]

Oh, not a fun place to be. I think he knows how to get under your skin and does it because your independence frightens him.

He very much does know how to get under my skin and push buttons. I am beginning to see how and why he does it. Digs and jabs about things unrelated to what the upset is about, things he knows will hurt so that I feel what he is feeling. We have been working through a few things over the past day and he has stuck the knife in at some unexpected moments.

but it always seems like things do improve between you two when you stop trying to guess what he wants and acting the way you think he wants you to act, and instead stand up for yourself and remember who you are and where you want to be.

Two and two equals elephant. I am repeatedly guilty of this. I was explaining the steps I went through in my mind that equaled; he wants to see me less and I need to back away, and he was really surprised.

A reverse example: I noticed a paper next to Prof's side of the bed that had fallen out of my pocket. It was about how to deal with the aftermath of suicide. " Oh look, that's mine, shall I throw it out?" He wasn't sure where it had come from but thought it was me and didn't understand what I was trying to tell him. Was I suicidal, did I think he was suicidal? Erm, no, it was from an event a few weeks ago that he knew all about, and it fell out of my pocket. "But you left in my bedroom, I thought you were trying to tell me something" I replied, " It fell out of my pocket when I got changed." He asked, "So no deep meanings or hints?" "No, it was handout and I will put it in the recycling." Two plus two equals elephant.

and there are times when he is mean and other times when he falls short.

I really don't like the mean streak in him. I can be thoughtless but rarely do I do it to be mean. He says I can be difficult because I retreat and avoid talking about things. I am not sure that is in the same category as mean.

Some conclusions from the talking.
He did not have BD play with anyone on Thursday, sex yes, but not BD, he was showing some of his stuff, it was not used. He hasn't had a BD session since the last time we did it. He is over worked and doesn't have the energy or the headspace to plan out a scene. He said he set up the room a few months ago and I declined to play. I said it was because I don't want to make him do it if he doesn't want to and he didn't seem all that into it, I want the desire and master vibe to come from him. My job is to be sexy, slutty and subby. I also told him it doesn't have to be a full on scene, just some elements like cuffs and collar, use some of the furniture.
We did both agree that we do have a lot of kinky sex.

I told him that I felt there wasn't enough sex energy to go around. He gets tired and can't keep going. He kind of skipped around that. I said again that I feel like it is me who mostly initiates. He said he likes that, I said I don't as I feel like I am pestering him for sex. He says I don't pester him, but I am quite stuck in that self-talk loop.

He was really upset that I didn't kiss him goodbye and ignored his request to speak on the phone. I was less than honest about that. I said the timing was off, I was at the gym and he used the word "chat" that did not imply any particular urgency. I didn't say it was payback for him brushing off my call to him last week. Yup, I be can childish. But mostly I didn't want to talk. So we cleared up the difference between "chat" and "talk" and how to express if something requires an immediate phone call response or not.

The texting thing...It is ok for him to drop off communication when he needs to . He will respond to things that are urgent (he does). He should not feel that he has reply to things like...insert really hurtful and mean comment about my work here... I said we discussed this already and I was fine with him not responding to chit chat crap. I did not mention that he sends me an equal amount of chit chat crap. How about every Monday I receive multiple texts about what one of his colleagues eats during lunch meetings!

I will reply to IP later.

 

[Atlantis]

I read your blog often and find it inspirational.

Thank you.

I love how you live your life, look for what you want, care for your children and still manage to study.

Thanks again. I often feel like a salmon swimming upstream though.

Edited to add: The thing about Prof trying to rein in my independence, you and NYCIndie both say that. I don't quite see it but think you must both see something in what I write.

He's clearly fun to be around and it is obvious that there is lots of love and care between you guys.

We do have a great time together, a similar passion for the ridiculous.

Scheduling can be a real control thing I think (not necessarily intended) and at best it is thoughtless to not respond.

To be clear, it is me that is a scheduling demon and it is a control thing, but also a necessity. Things need to get done and as I can’t hand stuff off to anyone else and I need to keep my stuff straight. Prof is very good at calendaring a few months ahead with me and then responding to weekly or daily scheduling texts. We have regular nights scheduled and then change things as needed.

The texting response time is to do with how quickly he needs to reply to chit chat texts and that it should be ok for him to drop out of communication for a few days at a time. I have processed his request and decided to reduce the texting to what I do with other friends; scheduling and the odd thing that I think they would find interesting.
He said it is ok to text chit chat as long as it didn’t involve my work (the insult there is still smarting) or my kids; pretty much excludes most of my life. No wonder I get confused. He does give me conflicting information.


Ms North recently got the chop for “too much drama.” My naming conventions are appalling. Ms Egg? It made sense at the time, like one of those word association games, so I will change that. I find a baby naming site and go down the alphabet.

I sent Jay a “How did your weekend go?” text. I was hoping for a booty call last night, but he started talking about his wife and how we need to work on scheduling. I went to sleep instead.

Roomie texted about meeting on Sunday for lunch. I replied great and he should let me know what time works for him. He never replied. As I write this he sent an apology.

As a result of this I am going to swing far to one side and not initiate any texts or scheduling efforts with friends for the next 2 weeks. I do have a number of things scheduled already but am not going to attempt to work in anything else. I need to go back to making time for myself and decided to take a weekend in December. I scheduled it on my calendar. Oh the irony.

 

[Atlantis]

Jay asked for scheduling input
But apart from that, no scheduling!
And Prof has been sending chatty texts! I have replied in a brief manner with longer response times than usual ( kind of ) and I did send one link to something he asked about. But that is it!
Basically, I am not doing terribly well with communication or scheduling reduction.

 

[Atlantis]

Weds
Data fiend that I am; I went back an counted the emails that I sent Prof when he went on vacation with Ms Music for a week and I didn’t know about it, the texts have gone. I sent 3 with holiday pics, a few exchanges about court and 1 with a silly internet pic. I remember wondering why he disappeared, reappeared and disappeared again and stopped messaging when I thought he might be with someone. Is it enough to be considered out of the ordinary? Not really, but I need to work on breaking the habit. I messaged with Joe and Kip a huge amount and transferred some of it over to Prof.
Jay came round last night for some fun fucking. We chat a bit first, fuck for an hour, chat a bit more and he leaves. I asked him how much sex he likes in a week, he said twice is fine!?! Wow. He said I have an “appetite” for sex. Reminded me of Yo from 2 years ago who introduced me to the word “Appetitive.” I didn’t know there was an adjective form. I find it a little saddening, like I should apologise for having the energy and stamina.

Thursdaay
Last night Prof told me that my “sexual appetite far exceeds his.” Oh. First time it he has said something along those lines. I feel a little better now he has acknowledged the difference. The timing is funny with Jay making the same comment the night before
We did have a great BD play session, right up to the moment that he smacked me on the face. That is a hard limit which has been discussed on multiple occasions before. I called “Red” he stopped, we discussed, he apologized, he thought I knew what he was about to do. I most certainly did not. But we got it together again and carried on for a while longer. On the plus side I ended up tapping out last night  I got to the point of having had enough! Brilliant.

Total fail on the scheduling. Prof and I did calendars through to the end of December.

 

[Atlantis]

I think he smacked me round the face to express "be careful what you wish for." I repeatedly asked for BD play, he wasn't all that into it so he fixed that I will think twice before asking again. My cheek still hurts. It was a hard limit. He did it on purpose.
Then he sent me a "spoof on our bad communication" series of texts this afternoon. Dig, dig, dig. I tried to respond light heartedly but he is still going on with it. The purpose is to illustrate how much he is annoyed with my messaging, but he doesn't like it when I back off. He likes the entertainment but when he wants it. On Demand!
I have no idea why he doesn't break up with me at this point. If I am so annoying why doesn't he simply break up with me and be done with it? I don't understand, does he want me to do it? I am making the same errors over and over because the result is the same over and over. I bring out a mean streak in people.

 

[starlight1]

I think he smacked me round the face to express "be careful what you wish for." I repeatedly asked for BD play, he wasn't all that into it so he fixed that I will think twice before asking again. My cheek still hurts. It was a hard limit. He did it on purpose.
Then he sent me a "spoof on our bad communication" series of texts this afternoon. Dig, dig, dig. I tried to respond light heartedly but he is still going on with it. The purpose is to illustrate how much he is annoyed with my messaging, but he doesn't like it when I back off. He likes the entertainment but when he wants it. On Demand!
I have no idea why he doesn't break up with me at this point. If I am so annoying why doesn't he simply break up with me and be done with it? I don't understand, does he want me to do it? I am making the same errors over and over because the result is the same over and over. I bring out a mean streak in people.

His actions are ON HIM. He knew your hard limit and crossed it with mean intentions. Don't wait for him to break up with you, confront him on his bad behaviour or break up with him. This borders on abuse because he knew it was a hard limit and is following it psychologically with mean spirited texts.

Treat yourself kindly at this point, it is NOT your fault he treated you so disgracefully.

 

[IndieSolo]

You don't bring out his mean streak; seriously, it's been there, boiling underneath the surface all along, periodically making an appearance. His mean streak has been popping up more frequently lately because he hasn't been able to fit you into the mold he has for you and so he's frustrated and having a tantrum. It is not your fault he's being such a douche -- he's a child, scared of losing control. It's not even about you, in a way; he is acting out his need to be in charge or to tame you, punish you for not doing this relationship his way only because he can't handle it when it's on your terms and that makes you feel happy, instead of his terms being enough for you, instead of him being enough for you. He doesn't feel secure with how much give and take there is, and that you want other lovers, and more sex than he can handle - so he's taking out his insecurity and feelings of inadequacy on you, ugh! What he is doing is just fucked-up! I'm really pissed at him for you! I sincerely hope you don't let him get away with this bullshit.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

This is the sort of behaviour that I see you describe in Prof that I believe is very much about reigning in your independence.

I'd guess that Prof feels a little inadequate that he cannot keep up with your appetite for sex and that he wishes he were more into the sort of BD interactions that you enjoy.

Rather than simply saying so and encouraging you to look for others who can help fill those needs - given that you guys are practising non-monogamy and Prof is happily pursuing other sexual relationships - he is seeking to make it unpleasant for you to even discuss what you want.

You are worried now about a need for scheduling, concerned that you text too much, thinking about whether or not it is okay for Prof to drop contact for days on end while expecting you to respond promptly to his messages.

I bet you'll be worried for some time about suggesting the sorts of sexual interactions that were happening when Prof slapped you.

I see this as being all about eroding your independence.

I hope that you and Prof are able to resolve this bump in the road in a way that is positive for both of you as you do enjoy each other so much. I suspect Prof has lots of work to do to help him deal with a woman who is independent. In my experience rich, older blokes are deeply uncomfortable with independent women. Even when they say they are not, their behaviour would indicate otherwise.

IP

 

[Atlantis]

Thank you all for your responses. I have been going over and over it ever since and taking your words into consideration. I don’t know anyone who does BD play so I can’t ask if it was my fault for not going over the rules before the session ( he says that was also my fault ). I have only ever had 2 rules, no leaving me tied up and leaving the room and no hitting around the head or face. I don’t like that he is turning it into my fault.
I mostly understand why people lash out physically, especially in the heat of an argument, but this was calculated.
I am working out how to remove him from my schedule. We have the trip tomorrow which the kids are super keen for, it is also birthday treats for him, so I think that needs to go ahead. Plus we did a vehicle swap so there is no getting around meeting.
But everything after that is not a problem to remove him from. I did ask him to contact his family about an event for next week, with any luck the tickets won’t be available any longer, I feel a bit guilty/responsible about that. I have been working to extricate myself for a little while now. We calendared till the end of December but nothing involves tickets or cancellations. It is all local.
I think we need a break until he comes back from his next trip. He will be gone till mid-November. I am tired of talking and talking is not helping. I do not come from the talk side of things I come from the behavior side of things. A smack across the face is pretty telling from that perspective. The one reason I am not running in the opposite direction is that it was during a BD session and there is space for misunderstanding. In my heart I don't think there was, but I have been wrong before.
Jay said he can’t make tonight and that he is in a bad mood anyway, more wife/divorce/parenting issues. He didn't try to reschedule. He could be done with me. I will not reach out.
I am open to me being a difficult person to be in a relationship with, I have many annoying personality traits. But I am mostly okay with who I am. I don't want to be with people who are not happy to be in my company.

 

[starlight1]

But everything after that is not a problem to remove him from.

I am open to me being a difficult person to be in a relationship with, I have many annoying personality traits. But I am mostly okay with who I am. I don't want to be with people who are not happy to be in my company.

I think it's important to step back from a person who doesn't validate you as the awesome person you are. Yes we all have faults, but I love reading your blog, it's logical, insightful, full of truths many people shy from, and fiercely independent. Don't lose sight of those wonderful things about yourself.

He k ew the limits, there's no grounds for him smacking you in the face. I once had a man pull me out the shower while I bathed to humiliate me because he knew that was a hard limit that my ex husband had done. Some men can't handle a woman being fully autonomous and happy in and of herself, and look for ways to "put them in their place". What he did to you was appalling and disgusting and I do think you should run not walk, away from him, justifiying his bad behaviour and rationalising it is more proof of how long he has been undermining your sense of self worth and self confidence. Now you can't even trust your own gut instinct this isn't right.

Please take care of yourself, things like this only tend to escalate over time as the person feels more entitled and comfortable to do so.

 

[opalescent]

Thank you all for your responses. I have been going over and over it ever since and taking your words into consideration. I don’t know anyone who does BD play so I can’t ask if it was my fault for not going over the rules before the session ( he says that was also my fault ). I have only ever had 2 rules, no leaving me tied up and leaving the room and no hitting around the head or face. I don’t like that he is turning it into my fault.
I mostly understand why people lash out physically, especially in the heat of an argument, but this was calculated.
....
I am tired of talking and talking is not helping. I do not come from the talk side of things I come from the behavior side of things. A smack across the face is pretty telling from that perspective. The one reason I am not running in the opposite direction is that it was during a BD session and there is space for misunderstanding. In my heart I don't think there was, but I have been wrong before....

ARGH! Atlantis, I do bondage domination play and I switch (meaning I sometimes get tied up/hit and sometimes I do the tying up and/or hitting).

It is utter bullshit that he is trying to make this your fault. It is utter bullshit that just because you did not go over every hard limit you have in great detail just before the scene, it is your fault he hauled off and hit in the face. I cannot emphasize how wrong this is.

Sometimes, yes, there can be space built into a scene to push an agreed upon 'soft limit', such as no hitting the face but maybe you are curious about seeing how a hand on your throat feels. And over time, hard limits can evolve into soft limits and sometimes even become things one enjoys. But this kind of thing is discussed beforehand.

A responsible top or dominant does not decide that they are going to push their bottom or sub's hard limits without their consent. If someone asked me to push a hard limit for them, it would be days of talking and mulling it over before I would agree to do it. And I might not agree even then. There are risks I am not willing to take. And emotionally damaging someone is one of those risks.

It is totally possible to have a miscommunication or misunderstanding and do something someone does not want. I've done that topping. It's really embarrassing and I feel deeply stupid. But here is how a responsible top or dominant handles that (and it does happen to just about everyone who tops sooner or later). First, the top is genuinely open to feedback. Then, upon hearing that something went wrong, they apologize. They take responsibility. Period. No half-assed, kinda, maybe 'I'm sorry you feel that way'. Then they work with the bottom to figure out what went awry - without making it the bottom's fault - and how to make sure it never happens again. They do what they can to help the bottom feel safe again (even if the bottom does not want to play with them again). They learn from their mistakes.

Prof is deliberating tearing you down in various ways. He's pushing your limits in very dangerous ways. This is very concerning and I am thrilled you are taking it seriously. Face slapping is deep edge play, even when all agree to it. It is too easy to break bones in the face, create bruises or black eyes that have to be explained to coworkers or family members.

And he did it to humiliate you. To deliberately cause you emotional damage along with the risks of physical harm to you he decided to take without your consent. NYCindie is likely right on as to why he is behaving this way. This is NOT how a responsible top or dominant behaves. This is how someone getting you used to being abused, manipulated and controlled behaves. It is heartbreaking to read you are increasingly doubting yourself after interactions with Prof. Go read your blog again. It's a pattern that shows up over and over in the blog.

You know what is truly happening here. Your instincts are doing their job and screaming at you. Listen to them. Protect yourself at all costs.

 

[IndieSolo]

I once had a man pull me out the shower while I bathed to humiliate me because he knew that was a hard limit that my ex husband had done. Some men can't handle a woman being fully autonomous and happy in and of herself, and look for ways to "put them in their place".

Ugh, yes. Because we women all need to tow the line and reel in our sexuality and freedoms - it's too threatening to the man who is supposed to be the boss!

Atlantis, I remember when Prof said to you that he wanted you to assume (not agree, but assume) you are collared to him, and you asked, "Don't we need to discuss it, have agreements or a contract in place for that?" He belittled your even questioning him by telling you, "Don't believe the crap you read online," (poor, gullible you!) and then said that he doesn't want you to date other people, fall in love with other people, or have sex with other people - even though he's got a whole passel of others he fucks and dates (and then he can't keep up enough with you and blames your sexual appetite, as if there's something wrong with you). Crazy-making.

The more you stand up for your autonomy to do just those things that you want to do and have every right to do, the more he pushes back and becomes more disappointed and possessive, and then he attempts to assert his control. Slapping you was way out of line. I don't care how much time, money, and goodies he's given you - that act was not right at all, especially when you are in the midst of allowing yourself to be in a vulnerable state.

FWIW, I don't consider myself even that kinky but I like getting slapped in the face once in a while BUT ONLY IF my partner asks first and shows me how he will do it, tries it softly at first, and only does it as hard as I will allow, which makes me feel safe about it.

Aaaarrrggghhhh! If I were you, I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that he went too far, and you don't appreciate being told you are at fault for it, when he clearly always knew your boundaries. You are not making something out of nothing, because it is something big. Then I'd take some time away from this relationship and be good to myself, with the hope that it can be worked out if/when he owns up to his shit and is willing to do what is needed to regain my trust. But it would be dangerous -- and detrimental to your self-esteem -- to let this incident slide without any repercussions for him, IMHO.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

A break sounds like a very good idea. You are increasingly expressing feelings of not trusting yourself, of not being good enough, of worrying about what you are doing wrong. You don't sound like the same you who started this blog. I wonder if some of it is a perfectly normal response to stresses in your life? Maybe there are other things going on that you don't write about here that are having an impact on you. Or maybe it is to do with spending regular time with somebody who undermines you in subtle ways.

I don’t know anyone who does BD play so I can’t ask if it was my fault for not going over the rules before the session ( he says that was also my fault ).

This is not your fault. This is also nothing to do with BD play. Nothing at all.

This is to do with consent. I don't consent to being hit, told what to do or humiliated at all - by anybody, under any circumstances. (The only time it would be acceptable to force me to do something is if I was about to walk under a bus or something like that and another person grabbed me).

I don't have to remind anybody I'm having sex with that they must not hit me, tell me what to do or humiliate me every time we have sex. That is a given. Those rules are established and if they were to change, it would take numerous detailed discussions.

If my partner was to hit me during sex I would be likely to consider it an assault. Especially if he went on to claim that he thought I knew what he was going to do and that I was okay with it. More so if he suggested, even hinted, that is was my fault for not reminding him at the start.

If you have time, have a read up about consent. This is why doctors must gather consent for every medical procedure. Detailed, written consent for the stuff that happens when the patient is unconscious. Otherwise, sticking needles into people and cutting them open would considered an extremely serious assault.

To imagine that consent doesn't apply because you and your partner have agreements about some hitting is simply ridiculous. Please don't think that it is your fault.

Your two rules are very simple. Anybody who isn't suffering from some kind of memory impairment could remember them easily.

I am tired of talking and talking is not helping. I do not come from the talk side of things I come from the behavior side of things.

I like to talk and try to understand but I tend to trust behaviour more than words every time. Prof's behaviour would cause me concern if directed at me.

I am open to me being a difficult person to be in a relationship with, I have many annoying personality traits. But I am mostly okay with who I am. I don't want to be with people who are not happy to be in my company.

Make no mistake - everybody is a difficult person to be in a relationship. There isn't a person alive without annoying personality traits. So you are just like everybody else. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anybody who wasn't happy to be in my company either.

 

[Reverie]

I just wanted to jump in to add that I am pretty new (going on two years-ish) to BDSM play and topping people, and even *I* could use common sense to discern that if someone has set an overarching hard limit in earlier conversations, then it should not be crossed in a moment without prior discussion. Rider can take a lot (and loves it!) but he has hard limits against biting and doing anything that would hurt his feet, and I would never dream of doing either of those things without AT THE VERY LEAST mentioning out loud that I wanted to do it and getting consent. Even better, discussing it before starting to play. I am appalled at Prof's behavior here.

 

[Atlantis]

It is utter bullshit that he is trying to make this your fault. It is utter bullshit that just because you did not go over every hard limit you have in great detail just before the scene, it is your fault he hauled off and hit in the face. I cannot emphasize how wrong this is.

I am very glad you responded from a Dom point of view because I am second guessing and third guessing. I didn't think it was ok to do but didn't know for sure. He gave me at least 4 reasons at to why it was fine and it was my fault, that night and the next day. And this is the track I am taking, all else in a relationship and the one-side that I write on here are pretty much between the couple, but BD play has clear behavioral expectations.

Face slapping is deep edge play, even when all agree to it.

It is, right? You don't just add in face slapping without prior discussion even if the previous discussions had all been forgotten, you would check-in on something like that first.

And he did it to humiliate you. To deliberately cause you emotional damage along with the risks of physical harm to you he decided to take without your consent. NYCindie is likely right on as to why he is behaving this way. This is NOT how a responsible top or dominant behaves. This is how someone getting you used to being abused, manipulated and controlled behaves. It is heartbreaking to read you are increasingly doubting yourself after interactions with Prof. Go read your blog again. It's a pattern that shows up over and over in the blog.

I did reread a lot of my blog last night. Much of it I skimmed, I was trying to find the last time we had BD play, and some sections I had a good think about. A couple of things that stand out are his training as a dom, he considers himself to be one of the best. He wants to know about who I am dating so he can be reassured that they are treating me safely, respectfully, and kindly.

I don't have time to reply to all your much needed and welcomed responses today. We are going camping. I need to get motivated because my heart is not in it.

I truly appreciate that you are all taking the time to respond. I really do. The reassurance that we need a break. It should be obvious, when someone slaps you in a moment of trust, things are not going well. But it is not and you are all helping keep me going in the direction that I need to go. Thanks.