Sailing Solo

The ex is an ass. He has a girlfriend, he gets the kids to call her step-mom and tells the kids that Prof is not their step-dad and they shouldn't like him. He is right, Prof is not their step-dad, and neither is the GF their step-mom. My youngest doesn't give a toss but the older one finds it upsetting.

I pinned things down a bit more last night. I am very jealous of the freedom my guys have. Both have adult children as, all well into their 20s and even early 30s. They can pack up and do whatever they want, whenever they want. I can't move out of the county. It is so expensive here and I can't leave.

The ex is asking for a little more time with the boys. I recently agreed to one more night per month. We originally had an almost 50/50 split. Due his idiot alcoholic ways the court agreed with me and now it is closer to 25/75. I am sure a ton of mums out there get less free time than that but, it is not conducive to multiple partners in the style that I want.

Mostly a vent.
He asked for time to do it and I agreed. Needs to be my mantra.

I had a bad night last night. Prof is having a trip away with a GF. He was being highly evasive before he left about how long, where and with who. I did text him yesterday to ask where he was. He did answer. I texted about 2:30am to ask with who. He has not answered yet. It shouldn't be my of my business but apparently my sleeping brain disagrees and I woke up in a very stressed out state. I can't do this recycling of past partners anymore. He said if we reopen after closing that it would be with only old people not new for him. I must admit to wanting to be absolutely finished with having to hear about some of these people. I am hoping he is with someone I have never heard of. I actually put in the message I hope you are not with Ms WP, Ms Music or our mutual friend. What will I do if he is? Nothing. It is a done deal, but how he has handled it feels like a payback. I did say that communication needs to change, I am working on it, have done all he asked with with disclosure about Mr Dom. He said he agrees, but this still feels like a dig. He asked for time to do it and I agreed.

I have asked him to be honest and share his experience with closing down. I thought it would be simple for him, all the regulars have gone although he didn't include Ms Bike in that category which I find weird. I saw Ms Music's name pop up on his phone the other day. He said he was very done with her last time her name was mentioned. Maybe he is, but she is still trying, I don't know. It also felt weird. There are a lot more people than I thought. He said he is looking forward to wrapping up some relationships and ending them. Makes me think the Closing is not a good idea, more for him than me. I feel so done with it for now.. Maybe he meant privately. I am expecting the change to happen now, but we did set a start date. I need to back off. Makes me think the Closing is not a good idea, more for him than me. I feel so done with it for now.

I am tempted to back away entirely until he is done. I hoped we could share the experience but wow, I am miles away from what he is doing.

We are both doing the same thing, jamming in as much time with our other partners. Hypocrite much? Yes. I am seeing Mr Dom tomorrow daytime. Next Friday and possibly 3 nights the last week and by night I mean 2 hours. So tempted to disappear for a few days but I can't afford it.


It is a long weekend and my boyfriend booked it away with someone else without speaking to me. I never used to care what he did in his own time. It doesn't feel good. I am a big messed up ball of stress energy and envy. My shit to deal with, add it to the list.

I got a reply: a new name. it should not matter. it does.
 
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Another example of Atlantis saying one thing and doing another. Mr Dom met the kids yesterday.
My 2 plans for the day flaked, oh surprise, flaky people. We were bored, had actually been out and done various things, but the weather was crap and we were bored of each other. I suggested a rain walk to Mr Dom with his dog and he agreed. The weather got so bad that we stayed in and played games until it was time for bed and Mr Dom went home a little after, It was a lot of fun. Mr Dom got to meet my motivation for everything ( my kids ) and I really came to the understanding that I cannot do the 2 boyfriends thing. It was fine to have him round as a friend. There was no touching, no sneaky kisses. Just chat and games.
The kids are gone for the day to daycare and Mr Dom came back to spend the day. He is taking a nap right now. :D
We have been talking a lot about what type of dating and relating we would do in the perfect world. I want 2-3 caring relationships and the time to spend with them. Mr Dom wants 2 regulars with opportunities for occasional partners. I shared that I find it hard to meet people who are genuinely ok with partners having an active sex life with other people. I asked how he was finding it. He said, with me, it is the first time he has ever been aware of a GF having sex with another man. He met Ms Doc's BF and spoke to Prof in the space of around 10 days. Ms Doc, apparently, is terrible with communication so that probably wont become regular. He is not sure how will feel about it further along the line, the theory is great but the jealousy might kick-in.
 
A good day is sex three times with 2 different people and a lot of BDSM play added.
 
You sound so lost, Atlantis.

I hope that you can find peace and freedom from the PTSD and stress that you are suffering.

I hope too that in time you are able to come back to multiple relationships. I think you handle them really well and I suspect that I'm not alone in feeling inspired by you.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that a period of monogamy with Prof is calming for both of you.

IP
 
IP. I am doing ok. Picking up the phone and talking to people helps. Thank you to all who post and show patience with my wishy washyiness.


I have had a couple of good chats with Prof. I asked to pick up the phone ( within reason ) and get to talk things out as they pop up, he says it is working for him too.
One of the big realizations has been the lack of foundation we had at the start of our relationship. We were both involved in established relationships so never got to do the hours of chat, NRE overload, lazy weekends in bed. It seems to clear in how I related with Mr Dom, no rules, we do and create whatever we like. We are pretty much telling each other we love each other. Yes, it is infatuation and mostly working because of the deadline, but we can do it because we want to. I feel the need to build a foundation with Prof too. There are no restrictions on telling each other we love each other anymore, no need to keep emotions in check. I am all about the feelings right now.
Closing Down is as scary to me as Opening Up must be to other folks. Prof and I have never been closed. We are building a whole new relationship with 3 years of history. Confusing to say the least but we both seem to want to be together.
 
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I am still reading but too embarrassed to post.
I am making every mistake in the book.
Things with Prof are intense, we are having serious talks most days, talks that have been put off for years. It is painful but revealing and necessary.
He is pulling his hair out over me dating, talks the talk but cannot walk the walk. He is seeing more partners than I ever imagined he had. Apparently, it is my fault for asking for not asking for the list to be updated. I am seeing him infrequently as he is so busy saying goodbye, often repeatedly, with the same people. He has put me on "pause," trouble is I am not an on pause type of person. Waiting for a couple of weeks to close things down was fine but this is going on way too long. I was done in Novemberish, for him it is a few weeks, for me it is months.
I know the odds of me seeing him in an open relationship if the monogamy fails are pretty slim. I have been 100% honest in telling him upfront when I am seeing Mr Dom and he can barely keep it together. In fact, he lost it via text last night. I plan to see Mr Dom on a night Prof said he already has an out of state date for. We always suspected he can;t take it, but seeing it in action is shocking.
Mr Domwants me to carry one seeing him as "priority" not "primary," his words. He wants once or twice a week, sleepovers, vacation, camping with kids... but also keep an open relationship. I keep telling him I am done with open relationships for the near future. We talk and fuck and spend every available second together. We will both be glad for the break from each other as the pace cannot be maintained.
My job will be cut. Maybe it won't be for another year but it will go. I was offered a significant promotion which I declined. I am stretched so thin as it is, that I will not take on anymore. I am not in a rush to find something but am getting together recommendations and will start applying for jobs next week. I saw something interesting online. I would rather jump than be pushed.
I am waiting for Prof to call to discuss his meltdown last night, usually it is me losing the plot, not shouting or swearing, but so very angry. Mr Dom says it like watching an episode of highly educated people on Jerry Springer.
 
Sometimes it takes just one sentence to make things all right, to loosen the knot in the stomach. " I am in this for the long haul."
I dug deeper today and discovered that I am afraid of being vulnerable, of giving someone the power to hurt me emotionally. No wonder it takes me years to makes friends and relax with lovers. I am taking baby steps into the land of "Can I trust you?" and "Will you be nice to me?"
I decided that I want to be open to being vulnerable and for me this means closing my relationship. No more hiding in the herd, picking unavailable partners and not caring.
I asked Prof for something big, asked from the raw place and he understood where I was coming from and agreed. I feel we are walking into monogamy together. going to give it a genuine shot. There are no guarantees it will last more than a week before we drive each other nuts, but I can say I gave myself over to it without reservation.
 
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I.P. I can always take the promotion and keep looking for something more in line with the amount of effort I want to expend. I really enjoyed the first year of my job but the filling in on top of my regular duties is too much.
Mr Dom came round last night. We have one more night before the relationship ends. He said he wonders what will happen after " The transition," I told him to stop talking like I do. He said he will till March and I told him not too, if monogamy doesn't work out with Prof then the chances of me wanting to do non-monogamy with Mr Dom are small. I tell him that. He repeats what he wants as his ideal to carry on seeing me, once or twice a week etc. He strongly feels that I can't do monogamy and says he gets why I frequently have 3 partners but usually 2.
 
Lots more talk with Mr Dom last night. He wants to see me but doesn't want to have a "girlfriend" for the entirety of 2016. I think this is a good point to stop, a natural end. Maybe there will be the option of transitioning to a mostly D/S relationship further down the line.
For once, I am not running through a million and one options and outcomes in my head. I am not doing it for my relationship with Prof either. For right now, I am Ok with "wait and see." How very unAtlantis like!
Last night with Mr Dom tonight. We plan to head out for a couple of drinks and a few small plates then get creative with the restraints. He says he has got more that will connect with what I already have for even more combinations. If nothing else I have given him a taste for creative use of restraints.
 
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The gods are laughing at me.
My elderly cat is very ill, we went to the vet yesterday and she did come home. We are waiting for the results of blood work but she has declined rapidly and it looks like her kidneys. I am trying to wrap my head around losing my baby.

The last night with Mr Dom was amazing. We went out for some drinks, I drank, he was designated driver and small plates then came home and got creative with rope. My bedroom was off limits due to the cat. So we played in the kitchen and living room. I don't remember most of what happened, sub space and beyond. He said he has never been in a Dom Zone like it before either. There was whipping, lots of whipping. My ass was so red and hot. There was a shibari like corset, but all made up on the spot. I entirely trusted him, there were no doubts. pure sensation. I can't remember a better BD play session. The pain levels were perfect. He played me like a violin.

He tried to play me the Gotye song this morning as he was leaving. Not funny.
 
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Part II
If last night/today hadn't been the end of other partners then I probably would have it called it off with Prof.
I have had enough of not being able to call him for help or support because he is on a date.
This week has been strange, my oldest kid was sick and it is an ongoing worry about who to call in an emergency. The ex is not an option at night due to the alcoholism. I lined up Roomie and BFF for help in case I needed it.
Last night Mr Dom made a stop at the store for me and was very sweet and supportive and BFF, who had recently put down one of her dogs, was also there. Who couldn't I call? Prof. He dropped out at about 6pm and told me he would be unavailable till 12 pm. I suppose I could call if things were absolutely awful, but the vibe was it would need to be the end of the world to interrupt.
I have had enough. I would rather be by myself then wonder why my boyfriend isn't around in times of need but my BFF and Roomie would drop all to help out. And even though Mr Dom says he doesn't want to be cast in the primary role, I have no doubt he would drive up to help and he did help last night.
However, Prof did offer to help with the kids yesterday daytime. He would have picked them up from the vet if I needed them gone for a few hours and did give up a last night for me. He is trying, and I am minimizing what he is doing because I am hurting, because life is, in general, kicking my ass. I guess he is hurting at the loss of his relationships too. Now is the time I put up my hand for help and now is the time he has the least to give.
Tonight is the start of the new chapter. Things have to change.
 
I think the problem is that Prof is simply not the man you keep hoping he will be. He may care about you and love you in his own way, but time and time again he proves that he is in it for himself. At least, it looks that way to me. I think you'd be miserable in a monogamous arrangement with him because you keep thinking he will be someone he's not. He isn't going to save you, but he will disappoint you again.

So sorry about your cat.
 
I know I'm just another rando reading your blog, but I have to say I agree with NYC indie on this one. And while I know you don't consider Mr. Dom to be primary material or whatever, the fact that you're getting the best BDSM sessions ever with him and just really having a great connection just doesn't sound like it's worth giving up to go mono with someone who hasn't been able to give you want you need even on a part time basis. But you guys seem committed to trying so I imagine it will all play out one way or the other. He'll either change or he won't! Just seems a shame to give up Mr. Dom to find out.
 
The cat is home. Is doing better but no diagnosis. Kidneys are functioning well, that was of major concern. Still quiet and dopey but sitting as opposed to laying down all the time.
Prof has been quite amazing these last few days. Very supportive, I feel like he is there for me. I have needed help and he has given it.
The sex. He is really enjoying it. I am finding it hard to temper expectations. Sex has been so intense with Mr Dom that Prof's lack of fitness and the ED is now obvious and back to the fore.
Mr Dom is pointing out that his dick has issues too, but the difference is he takes ownership of it and works around it. He is also edging towards being super fit. He is working out for a couple of hours most days and can maintain fucking effort for well over an hour. Sexy time usually lasts for a couple of hours. When Prof lost the erection last night it was the end of sex. There was some caressing and nibbling but no more fucking or play. Point of all that is...nothing new in the sex department with Prof for me.
I am not giving up Mr Dom, Breathemusic. It is on pause, kind of, but not really ;) Prof stated that is is fine to maintain relationships during the "break" but no sex, there is more to that conversation but we are mostly in agreement and understanding about behavior expectations. The level and rate of communication has not decreased by much at all but there is no planning to meet and a significant reduction in sexting, it is pretty much all PG rated now.
I have greatly increased the amount I text Prof, from only a few messages a day to warp factor 10. He said he had missed it but I haven't felt comfortable enough to send my vast amounts of random crap in ages. So that is a good sign.
I think it is going to take me a while to get back into the Mono groove. I have planned some fun stuff with Prof, bought some tickets, we have 3 concerts to go to over the next few months. I asked him about summer holidays and he said he wants to go camping, we may take one trip that involves a flight. I feel we both need to focus on each other for a while, keep a positive attitude and, as you say, see how it plays out.
 
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I guess you're giving up Mr Dom (on a trial basis) so that Prof will give up his many gfs, so that you will get more of his time. I hope it works out! (But I also hope you work out an arrangement to still see Mr Dom at least for D/s down the line). Good luck!
 
Hi Mags,
I put myself on this path before I met Mr Dom and at no point held back that I was heading for some kind of Mono period. He is still very clear that he doesn't not want a GF, wants a D/S relationship only. It has definitely morphed into something else, the talking and sharing is occurring on an unexpected level, but...we both have other things we need to do for ourselves. He also came to realization last night that he has trouble with deep emotional connection with romantic partners. The only time we love unconditionally is with our children (and me with my animals ). He can do the wild crazy love thing but can't maintain it ( I can't seem to do it at all ) . He said he could easily do that with me, fall madly in love, he is mostly there already, but wants to change his regular pattern. That was a large chunk of conversation time last night.
I did not ask Prof to give up anyone, I was very clear about needing to do something Mono for me and he made the call to try it too. His regular GFs broke up with him, he says they all/usually cite his lack of emotional availability and time commitment. Here is the third person with emotional availability "issues".
Prof is probably the most at ease with it, walks away and cycles through the GFs. Mr Dom hadn't put it together till last night, cheating, cycling through the GFs. I have known for years, cheating, walking away from relationships when the emotional demands get too much.
All the signs point to Prof probably as not the right person to experiment with Mono love with, nor Mr Dom. I don't think there is a right person, the issues are mine. I am processing through all this point to the point where I see that a Mono lifestyle is not what I really want, it just seems that it what I need to do until the kids are older. As I had my kids in my late 30s and I am in my mid 40s I feel the clock is ticking on sex fun and physical ability.
I say it repeatedly but I really enjoy sex, it is my hobby and preferred activity for my free time. I don't enjoy sex without some kind of connection, having 2-3 regular partners works best. I don't have the time for 2-3 regular partners. My kids don't quite get why mummy and daddy don't live together.
Could I ask them to be ok with different men staying overnight? In my current mood I think it would probably be ok, they have different friends, so does mummy.
And when the brain wrestles with polar opposite view points, throw in some major life stressors then bam! Directionless.
I have made first steps towards finding a local therapist and starting to work on some of this stuff.
Mr Dom says I have made a huge difference in his emotional processing. His PTSD nightmares have stopped completely in the past month. He feels emotionally in a more stable place than he has been in years, no more panic attacks, happy to be open with his need to multiple sex partners. I need to do that for myself, find out how to be OK with wanting different things at once, quit looking for solutions and find some acceptance.
 
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Prof is bringing Ms WP in from out of state to work in his start up. He also hiring Ms 3 Day Weekend to run the financing. I am done. I don't think he could have picked a more hurtful person than Ms WP if he had sat done and thought really hard about it. It was never her behavior, always how he treated me when she was around and now she moving into town, because he asked.
He told me on my way out to work this morning, nice. So here I sit, livid, face bright red. He said he does not "intend" to restart a sexual relationship with her. MS 3DW will stay in her hometown.
I am too angry.
I ask for no comments for now please.
 
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Ok. I am fine.
He texted that he wants to talk. I replied that I can't think of anything left to say. I haven't. I feel that I gave it my best shot. Suggested counselling, he suggested someone so ridiculously out-priced and unavailable that it is hilarious, I asked a second time and he said we should try the 2 page of rules he had with Ms Text.
This morning was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was like dealing with my Ex. " I know you won't agree but I'll do it anyway then wait cause you calm down within a few hours."
I have calmed down and the message still couldn't be any clearer. He will do what he wants with whomever he wants. And that is fine.
I am glad I haven't wasted a whole month waiting to find out nothing was going to change. The limp dick sex this morning played no part in my decision whatsoever.
I made 2 phone calls looking for a therapist/counselor.
I should be upset but I am not. Maybe it will hit later.
 
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