Sailing Solo

The sleepover went perfectly well. Mr Dom and I were up and in the kitchen when the kids got up. They did the first part of the usual normal routine with virtually 0 interaction with Mr Dom. He asked if that was fine, I said that is exactly what I hoped for. They said goodbye at the right moment and we carried on with the day. Easy.
I did talk to him about a reduction in the mid-week late nights. Late nights being anything past 10pm. I asked the same thing from Prof so no biggie, I can do one late night and one kind of late, the rest have to be regular bed time. It would be nice to date someone who regularly has to get up earlier than me!
We are having a few nights off due to schedules which I think is a good idea. He worries about repeating the pattern from his last relationship where they spent every free second together and I am worried about filling in too much of my free time and not having enough alone time or time for friends.
Mr Dom has asked to schedule 1 night next weekend for the bag of tricks! My favourite thing to schedule.
Jay made contact this week but cancelled last night's possible visit due to stress. I don't think I have seen him since December. He is my experiment in infrequent lovers. He has been sending some lengthy emails, so makes an effort to some degree.
Kip is angling for a meet-up. Kind of interesting after his recent declaration that I am too sexually active for him. :eek: Oh the irony.
Mr Dom and Jay seem to be the only 2 partners that I have/had who have never attempted to put-down other partners or make me feel bad for having other lovers. Mr Dom is consciously working on issues as they come up: How much communication is ok when on a date? Do you want to know if sex is a possibility? Sex with another person within hours of us meeting up. How much do you want to know about the date person, how much does the date person want shared?
I regret not negotiating and discussing these questions with Prof in the same way that Mr Dom and I do. Both Prof and Kip used the answers to this type of question to manipulate and I usually felt judged.
I need to remember there is still a massive amount of rose-tinted glasses and NRE fuzzyfun with Mr Dom, but it feels different on a fundamental level.
I talked to Prof yesterday. I am researching a couples therapist on his insurance and needed to ask him for some clarity on the type of therapist he wanted to see. He actually answered the phone which was surprising and at the end of the conversation I straight up invited him camping in 2 weeks. He said we needed to be well into therapy by that point and he would think about it. There will be no space on my calendar left if he doesn't make some kind of effort soon.
 
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I saw Prof on Sunday. I think I deleted that post. I don't remember why.
We are supposed to meet at therapy today and I have a few calls in for a couple's therapist. And now it is all set-up. It can take me hours to finish a post :rolleyes:

Lots of interesting talk with Mr Dom about the concept of "recycled relationships" and "priority". He is speaking from what feels like my usual position and it is strange to hear. The stranger part is the speaking about it. I mostly held onto my feelings and thoughts, he is good at sharing.

Mr Dom now sees Prof as the "recycled relationship," Prof was low profile for January and virtually gone up to last week. I said to Mr Dom that I need Wednesdays for therapy time and Mr Dom said he was not prepared to give up all Wednesdays and take into account that he works some Wednesdays so is not available anyway but certainly is not happy at the idea of losing all Wednesdays. I was rather taken aback, didn't really understand what was going on and discovered we are talking apples and oranges.

In my mind Mr Dom has far more time with me at this point 3ish overnights per week. I said I need approx 3 hours per week with Prof and thought that should be a non-issue. Additionally, I am not prepared to schedule all my kid-free time as BF time. Mr Dom sees it as prioritizing Prof and my assuming that the previous schedule would be reinstated with no objections was not going to fly. In my mind it is about time. Mr Dom gets far more time so what could be the problem? To make is worse, I am refusing to schedule out past spring break. I just can't. The work/school situation is approaching crisis point. I can take a job that means losing years worth of work, time and financial investment, so we will not be homeless but the thought of all that time and effort going to waste is awful. So, no, I don't want to think about calendars.


Next issue, let's call it a hypothetical hairstyle preference. Mr Dom likes style A no bangs, Prof likes style B with bangs. I prefer style A but did B to make Prof happy. I didn't see it a big issue. Mr Dom sees it as a BIG DOM issue.
Bangs take a while to grow out, so I cant do both. Due to not being bothered by it, my bangs are growing out. Mr Dom said it felt like Prof was gaining ground. I said it was because I forgot to do anything about it but it opened the door to a long conversation about reintroducing partners, their preferences, his preferences, my preferences. Oh yes. My Preferences.

My one friend, who has met both of them, says it my fault for picking men who have Alpha personalities and who like to talk a lot. :D

But I am learning a lot about myself and my behaviors and improving communication.
 
Weds evening with Prof post-therapy no sex. Yesterday dropped of some stuff and we had really good sex. He has the play room set up again and apparently has been using it! Feels a bit like the " I won't try sushi," scenario but it was a fun afternoon interlude. We have set a few activities on the calendar. He is asking me jump through some hoops.
I was talking to Kip and during the conversation he asked me if I was falling in love with Mr Dom and I said I was. I called Mr Dom later and told him, didn't seem fair for Kip to know and not the object of my affection. He was not very surprised, but thought it was a big deal for me to say. It was. I felt very vulnerable and exposed and I wanted to take it back.
We are planning a few activities too. I had been refusing on the grounds of looming unemployment and the need to save money. He offered to pay and I said no, it was far too soon for me not to be paying my way. But Prof is possibly taking me on a weekend trip that involves flights so I had to tell Mr Dom. So, I agreed to a possible camping trip that he has already booked with friends and a possible night away over Spring break. I am actually working the whole week, Mr Dom is working some of it so all we will have is one night out of 9 that we could go anywhere.
 
I am having many of the same conversations with Mr Dom over and over again that I have had with Prof, mostly about me talking about dating. Mr Dom understands that I putting that kind of information out there to Joe, Kip and Prof mostly earned me criticism about my choices and some passive-aggressive or outright retaliation. Mr Dom points that that he doesn't done that once and I have to let him try and be aware he may fail on occasion. So we set up google calendars and I will add what is going on, before or after, but preferably within about 24 hours. This way I don't have to discuss what I may or may not be doing but this way there is some communication. Mr Dom does not like the idea of me dropping out of contact and I didn't/don't like it when Prof does it. It is scary. I have to trust him not to go all weird. I have to trust that we talk things out if I get all weird. I am starting Mr Dom at the second to last square on the boardgame before "Game Over," meaning one mis-step and ejection. This is patently unfair. He should get a few chances to fuck up.
I also need to put this idea to Prof. The communication over partners was one of our biggest fails and if there is truly to be some reconciliation then we need to get on the same page on this topic.
 
I saw Prof last night. Told Mr Dom before hand.
Prof and I watched tv , he bought dinner with him. It was so strange, I pointed out that I felt somewhat uncomfortable and that there were, for me, so many unspoken things going on, but at the same time waiting for a therapist to be there with the big issues is a good idea. He said he didn't feel uncomfortable at all. So we ate, watched tv, had some kissing, he wanted sex, I said no due to period. We mostly confirmed the weekend plans and he asked about Wednesday, I said no. That was big. First time I have said no to a Wednesday in 3 years.
I will speak to him today about the iphone calendar. Mr Dom and I calendared yesterday, 2 trips away in April, a couple of friends and I have things planned with the kids. There is not much time left in April! Prof wants to do a trip away too. I need to declare what is free and the guys need to be able to see and plan. The effort to keep things separate is not something I wish to expend moving forward.
I talked to Mr Dom after Prof night. He said he had feelings of jealousy and insecurity and we talked through his processing . At no point did I feel he blamed me or turned things into my issue.
 
Prof said no to the electronic calendar, I respect his reasons, and he wants to calendar in person. I did email and say that even though we were still up in the air most of my free time in April is booked. It is/was one of my fears that would happen, lose the rhythm of the schedule, but it did also need shaking up and I am enjoying increasing time with friends.
I booked a day off work to go camping with Mr Dom and his friends next month. I do find it a bit worrisome in the context of meeting lots of new people at once but he is such a chatterbox I don't think my quiet will be noticed :D
The sex continues to be wild and intense. He is really expanding his skills with restraints and using combinations of leather, rope and chains. He does great at psychological aspect of Domming too. He makes me say simple things, that I hate to say :D Simple, easy, non-sexual, drives me nuts, he just comes out with them.
Still messaging with Jay, I don't think I have actually seen him this year. Quite amazing for someone who lives less than 2 miles away. I have said "no" a few times to his offers to meet.
 
Mr Dom is back to arriving and leaving without the kids seeing him. I was talking to my mum at the weekend and she gave me a guilt trip about confusing the kids and the consequences of my Ex finding out. I will see what useful advice my therapist has on the subject because I don't know what is best at this point. The kids seem fine with it but the oldest one did ask Mr Dom if he had moved in, bit weird considering they have only met him 3 times. I think they are developing ideas of what bf/gf looks like to them. They were both very happy to see Prof on Monday and made many references to us being bf/gf and "in love."
Mr Dom is fine with whatever I decide to do with his interactions with the kids and is happy to err on the side of caution due to his difficult childhood.
 
Things seem so great with Mr Dom! I love it!
 
Therapy.
I am going to get one of the charts with emotion words and the faces on it and practice identifying emotions. For real; this is my homework for the week.
Therapist said Prof has over-reacted to the shouting and has taken it too far with the standoffish behavior and statements of my " brokenness." An apology should have been enough. He said it unlikely Prof can be what I want him to be and do what I want him to do.
I still want to pursue the couples therapy, I need to work on communication and being more assertive in a relationship. I am slooooooooooooooowly coming to the conclusion that Prof cannot offer what I want in the emotional realm but we do have a great time doing things together.
Therapist also recommended not having MrDom interact with the kids very much, and/or let the kids see him interact much with me very much for the time being. I think that is wise advice till I sort through things. I underestimated their affection and attachment for Prof. I have underestimated my attachment to Prof.

Talked with Mr Dom about therapy. I am back to the point where I am in a "relationship" with someone who is scared and anxious about "losing themselves," in a relationship. While I mostly understand what he is saying, it seems that what he and I are doing is too soon after his breakup for him to be happy to throw himself in, and I want someone to give it their all. I want someone to match me on the emotional level. Why can't I just let it be? Just coast? I am bored and fed up with that. That's what most of my adult relationships have been, coast along with one foot out the door. I want to feel loved and nurtured. I have been sailing solo for so many years.
 
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I have to ask Prof if he is open to what I want and need from a relationship. I don't think he is but I have to ask.

I find myself in the same spot that I was in when about to leave my ex, I didn't do it for me, I would probably kept trying to fix things forever, I did it for the kids. I have been ruminating what the therapist said and compiled that with some things that have come up with the kids this week. The shift in thinking is around what I want and what I need contrasted with what the kids can cope with. If Prof cannot be there consistently and with joy, then we need to detach the kids from him. I will not introduce them to anyone new unless I am as sure as it is possible to be, that the relationship matches my desires ad level of commitment.

I am dating someone with the same behaviors as my dad. Not around much, absent for extended periods of time due to work ( not military ) pop in with high expectations, criticize then leave.

I am struggling to break up with Prof for me, ( 6 months and counting ) but I will for the kids.

I sent out messages yesterday saying I had finally got an interview, Prof is the only person yet to respond. Maybe he is in a coma somewhere.
 
Prof's phone died and he took it to get repaired, then it was replaced. He could have emailed but I guess we had scheduled and it would have been for chit chat purposes only.
We went camping at weekend, he is overwhelmed with various things, he looked stressed and for him quite unkempt. I can't help but think he should slow down and quit overloading himself, but he has his reasons for doing whatever he does.
The camping was fun, we had some sex that night, the following morning ( a very quick quickie ) and after we got home on Sunday. He admitted to the ED drugs not working when he was overly stressed.; that was big for me.
We went to the concert last night, I got all dressed up, he picked me up, we went for a light dinner and really enjoyed the show. He dropped me off with a peck on the lips at 11 pm. He had already said he wasn't going to spend the night but I was still very disappointed he showed no interest in coming in. I get it, big event happening at work on Monday, early start on Monday, we had had sex during the day... I get it all, but I was still disappointed, I take it so personally.
Mr Dom decided to call Ms Taco last night. They had sex.
Poly hell!!!! Drama! Ok, not really, but I wanted sex and I didn't get any, so yes, jealous. I think the difference is between not expecting to have sex and like hanging out at home, and expecting sex and not getting any. I felt rejected by Prof ( despite the previous amounts of sex ). Mr Dom admitted to concert jealousy, me getting dressed up and looking cute jealousy and camping jealousy. All this honesty about feelings thing is hard work.:D

Mr Dom and I have an Air BnB booked for this coming weekend, a 2 night camping trip next month to a very famous closeish area that neither of us has been to before and if I spot some good concert tickets he will pay for them. I do find pretty good concerts to go to. Last night's venue was only 1,100, we were so close to the performers, it was a great experience. But big arena shows are also fun too. I told Mr Dom the tickets for those were purchased before I met him and before the looming unemployment hit.

I will get an extra night with Mr Dom this week as Prof will be out of town Weds. I had to cancel our first couples therapy session which is pretty disappointing. Our relationship is almost back to what it was except with even less communication.:rolleyes: We do not know how to talk to each other. We know how to share experiences, travel, have some great sex on occasion but actually yalk about what we feel? NOit good at all.

Prof did suggest I pick a topic for us to discuss just the 2 of us, but I don't feel that I want to get into this stuff without some professional support, also his next 3 days are crazy and I know it is not a good time. See! I am learning a little patience.
 
I ended up doing double therapy. It went well, I like the new person too, she is more aware of open/poly issues and we talked a little Dom/Sub and sex.
I did see Prof an hour yesterday afternoon. He says he is waiting to see if I have some clarity and will stick to my choice without flip flopping. A fair comment. I may see him tonight for date night, it is unclear. Then he is out of town so it will be over a week probably till I next see him.
Mr Dom and I had intense D/S time on Weds night. I saw him 3 nights back to back. Poor man is in the grips of NRE. He drives up at 9pm and leaves at 5:45 am. He says he is "crazy" about me. I am crazy about him too. The NRE is working in both directions. I am so glad I get to do the experience of someone being head over heels about me.
 
I talked to Prof on the phone today. We explored some issues. He was surprised to learn I was "dating". I told him I didn't want to discuss it in more detail till we had a professional third party in the room. Historically, that is our worst area of communication. I told him I knew he was dating, there was some lube on the shower shelf. He accused me of snooping. Wow that hurt, I felt insulted. I pointed out it was on the shower shelf; right at eye line. Hardly snooping. He backed off little but wow, snooping? Dirty word, very loaded with Ms Text meaning.
He is heading over tonight. Sex is what is most on the menu. We have done some good talking over the past 2 days and he reminded me that great sex is what our relationship was originally built on. I took that a little wrongly and said I felt I had more value than just sex, he said that was what not what he meant and that the sex was one of the things we did well together.
Much of what he says I put through the criticism filter first. I am trying to be aware of that and give him a chance to clarify. It is working.
Kip called. Eanted to know where I had been the past few days I told him it is hard to chat online as I don't have time in the day and he is not available at night. he doesn't like that, he asked me to spend more time with him over spring break. I don't have spring break, I am taking a couple of days at the end of the week to spend with the kids but no "spring break" as such. I told him to make time in the evening or at the weekend like normal people do. We stil plan to meet Monday for dinner and sex. I am not really excited about it. there is no growth or change in that relationship.
Mr Dom... I was planning to drive down there for a quick hour of crazy sex but he got a work call. He had to cancel his date with Ms Taco because of it.
I told him my plan was fuck him so hard he wouldn't be able to get it up later.:D He liked that idea ;) He was going to fuck me so hard I wouldn't want sex with Prof.
The poly gods heard us and were not pleased. :rolleyes:
 
Mr Dom made me a little teary; he folded my laundry. There were at least 2 loads kind of laid out flat on top of the dryer. We came back from our cabin-in -the-woods experience, I went introvert in the garden for a bit, and he folded it all! I get help once a year with laundry when my parents come to stay. It was huge for me.
Yesterday he told me he was going back to online dating and wanted to share his part of his profile. He wrote that he had a girlfriend! Me! Prof couldn't put that after 2 years! Too many exclamations points, but that was a very sweet surprise. I hadn't told him about the Prof being single thing on his profile for the past 2 years thing, so he wasn't doing it to make me feel good. He did it because he wanted to be honest about what his availability would be.
And onto Prof. He came round late on Friday night, we had some good sex and had some great sex on Saturday morning, some tea in bed, and more sex. We talked and discussed the issue with us talking about other relationships. He gave me a genuine " I hope you have fun on your date," and then a "See you on Sunday." When I told him I wouldn't be around on Sunday because I had another date, he was pretty shocked. Asked if it was the same person and then really gave me some grumpy attitude. He left in a huff. it doesn't matter that I have tried to schedule with him for the past 2 weeks. I asked him if he was avoiding me or was it my imagination that he was resistant to scheduling and he said it was a combination of busy with work and the feeling that I only wanted to schedule so I could plan other dates.
The holes in our communication are so big. I am working hard to acknowledge and make baby steps, but there are 3 years of hurt and insecurity going on here. 2 with just us and 1 with Ms Text around.
I am realising that having and recognizing the feelings are ok, it is what you then do with them that can build trust or intimacy or knock it down. Jealousy is a biggie. Prof hass told me before that I don;t get to be jealous and tell him about it. I think that is wrong. I get to be jealous, tell him a little about it and then deal with it myself. It is not his job to make me feel better or try and make the jealousy feelings any less. It is his job to say he hears it and feels that way too sometimes.
I was tempted to call him yesterday and try to fix things, fix his emotions, make him feel better. But I didn't.
He did agree to going to therapy once a week rather than the 2 week cycle which originally was the plan. Mr Dom and I talk talk talk. Let's try this, let's try that and so far have managed to put not a single boundary or restriction onto any other relationship. Early days and all that but the foundation is good.
So, Mr Dom is very caring, does things to help without being asked, lays in bed with me to chat and fuck, how sweet. He also ties me up, whips with ropes, uses nipple clamps with amazing skill, hog ties, binds, and re-positions. Call me his Sexy Submissive Slut, and fucks me over and over. It is incredible to have both experiences.
I have had an impressive amount of fucking this weekend :D
 
Seeing your last post just now reminded me that I'd wanted to respond to your previous one.

Atlantis said:
I talked to Prof on the phone . . . He was surprised to learn I was "dating". I told him I didn't want to discuss it in more detail till we had a professional third party in the room. Historically, that is our worst area of communication. I told him I knew he was dating, there was some lube on the shower shelf. He accused me of snooping. Wow that hurt, I felt insulted. I pointed out it was on the shower shelf; right at eye line. Hardly snooping. He backed off little but wow, snooping? Dirty word, very loaded with Ms Text meaning.
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Atlantis said:
And onto Prof. He came round late on Friday night, we had some good sex and had some great sex on Saturday morning, some tea in bed, and more sex. We talked and discussed the issue with us talking about other relationships. He gave me a genuine " I hope you have fun on your date," and then a "See you on Sunday." When I told him I wouldn't be around on Sunday because I had another date, he was pretty shocked. Asked if it was the same person and then really gave me some grumpy attitude. He left in a huff.
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It seems to me that no matter how apologetic he is, or whether he goes to therapy with you or not, Prof will always want to do whatever the hell he wants, and yet thinks you should not do whatever the hell you want. He doesn't want to answer to you about a schedule, or other relationships, or anything else, and then is shocked when you don't answer to him. He's so arrogant and still wants to be in control, don't you think?

Thank goodness he got it up this time and the sex was good! I think spending time with him if that hadn't happened would be really hard to bear.

Meanwhile, Mr. Dom just sounds like someone who is so considerate, fun, and very good for you.


Atlantis said:
I have had an impressive amount of fucking this weekend :D
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You go girl!!! And you got your laundry folded - BONUS!
 
Prof is giving me the cold shoulder. Whatever.
Yes, NYC, he is a control freak and workaholic. I think I am currently about 5th or 6th on his list on important things. Possibly lower. I have nothing on the calendar with him apart from therapy next week and he is about 5th or 6th on my list of important things. I think about the list that Jay sent me a while ago of why he was too busy to see me. I came after "cooking dinner" and the man is a Mac"n Cheese kind of cook. All Prof's things are far more prestigious, expensive and have the same result, too busy for me right now.
But I do see Prof struggling with the "me with a voice". Kip said the change is radical and difficult to accept. The work me is starting to align with the romantic me and Prof and I do not have the communication foundation to discuss things. I am trying to wait patiently but, to be honest, sucking at it. I want a solution now.

I saw Kip last night, we played tennis, which was very fun. We had dinner, which was delicious but I started wishing he was Mr Dom and we had sex, which should have been really great, but by that I point all I wanted to do was see Mr Dom. So there was some good sex, Kip left, and I drove to see Mr Dom at 10:30 pm and drove back again this morning. Mr Dom had received a text from Ms Taco and went to fill the "Atlantis-shaped void" in his night with her, but left her a bit early to meet me.

We agreed that we didn't treat our partners with the best level of attention and focus. I don't feel so bad about Kip, he never stays the night, but I did feel bad about just not being that into him anymore. I should have cancelled because I knew I wasn't feeling it but I had set it up weeks before and felt obliged to go through with it.

Mr Dom is responsible for is own dating. But we did discuss not suggesting the possibility of meeting up with each other after date with someone else. A few of the times we attempted it, it was fine, but twice it has not been.

We are definitely caught up in the craziness of being nuts about each other. NRE is rampant and we are both breathing in the heady haze. It is, however, a wonderful experience when both people are into it in a similar way and to a similar degree. I wanted the whole mad crazy in love feeling and I am getting it, plus a touch of Mr Dom drawl. ;)
 
Prof texted that he will not communicate with me until therapy next week. He can give whatever he reason he wants, but bottom line is he wasn't expecting me to date and can't handle it. Surprise!
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Been mulling over this turn of events for the past hour or so.
What is the same? I get picked up and put down on his schedule. Long running theme of our relationship, " I will see you in 7 days, 10 days, 2 weeks, next month."
I am not perfect. Prof gives all the advice and guidance needed on how to be the perfect child, wife, lover. He sets the train on the tracks then goes off for 5 days, 10 days, 2 weeks. Comes back and the train has got a wobble. He points out the errors to the train, he has after all already told and shown the train how to do it correctly already, and disappears for another 5 days, 10 days, 3 weeks. The train starts to go down its own path, it maybe even wobblier or it maybe picking up steam because the new path works better for it. The train might send out a distress flair, which will be answered in 3 days, 8 days, 2 weeks, the train may get no help at all, maybe told it should know how to run correctly already. You get the idea...

He is in control of our relationship. Yes he is. The relationship where I don't call him to tell him news, don't call him when I am sick, don't plan a future with him. And it is the same for me, he has cut me off from all communication and information about his life. The relationship where nothing is discussed that is deeper than fun trips and food.Yes, he in control of that "relationship."

I am 99.99% sure Mr Dom would drop all to help me, even after less than 4 months together. I would drop all to help him. We may burn out, the level of intensity is still high but I am so happy I am getting to see what and feel what an "all in" relationship feels like. Mr Dom says he doesn't want to wait 10 days to see me next. Prof says he doesn't want to see me for the next 10 days.

I am learning so much about myself from this experience with Prof.
 
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Looks I like a lost a post...
I went to see a friend this afternoon and we talked about Prof. Now I miss him a bit. Kind of sad that he chose to drop me for 10 days or however many it is. Life continues to move on without him though.
Mr Dom gives great Dom and also hangs curtain rods. :D The kids and I took him for lunch to say thanks. While I am aiming to keep him away from the kids until the 6 month mark I needed some help and he said he would. He also did some FaceTime with them the other night. The kids and I did a project and he spliced together pieces the video and stuck some music on it. Ididn;t ask , he mjust did it with e pieces that I sent. The oldest one wanted some edits :rolleyes: so I suggested he write an email to ask. It went from email, to text and then to Facetime. We all got a bit caught up in it and I didn't think much of it till later.
I think Mr Dom is still firmly in the realm of friend though. He hasn't been round in the evening with the kids since January or whenever game night was and no romantic overtures. He could disappear and no harm done. I don't think he will though.
 
Mr Dom booked a trip for us last night, while I was sleeping. I had already booked Friday off work and we were planning on camping, but then the idea of camping in snow did not seem appealing. I will drop the kids at school on Friday morning and then be gone till Sunday afternoon. There will be flights so will get some nice weather. I am really excited!
He broke up with Ms Taco yesterday. Took 6.5 hours. Seems pretty long since they were dating for 2 months but apparently she had developed quite the connection. There was lots of talking and food and he eventually had to say enough and take her home. It was not poly related, just "not feeling it' from his side.
He is currently on Tinder and fielding, "Why doesn't your girlfriend keep you satisfied?" type messages. I told him we will need to not share messages from people he may actually meet. I have read enough on here and from personal feelings to know that without giving express permission most people wouldn't want their messages read by the metamours. This experience is so different from how Prof and I did it.
 
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