Saying hello

Welcome! Hope you find what you need here.

Sounds like you’re in a pretty good place in terms what what you want your life to look like, so I’m sure you’ll have no problem navigating the inherent struggles that come from complex, interpersonal relationships. Especially with a little help from your friends ;)
 
Greetings Monowife67,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm glad to hear that your mono/poly relationship is working out well so far. If we can be of any help to that end, just let us know. We are good listeners, and good advisors. Carry on!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings Monowife67,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm glad to hear that your mono/poly relationship is working out well so far. If we can be of any help to that end, just let us know. We are good listeners, and good advisors. Carry on!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
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Thanks. It's a work in progress.
My most recent struggle is mentally separating myself from his other relationship. He was with her last night, and was super lovey dovey with me this morning. I understand that it's most likely him expressing appreciation for accepting him and supporting his need for fulfillment outside our marriage, but part of me feels icky wondering if he's still turned on by her, and I'm recieving that leftover affection.
 
Hello Monowife67,

Ewww, that does sound icky. Maybe you should have a talk with him about that, explain that you don't want leftover affection. It's true that poly relationships are hard to compartmentalize, one relationship is going to have some effect on the other relationship, even if it's parallel poly.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Monowife67 said:
Thanks. It's a work in progress.
My most recent struggle is mentally separating myself from his other relationship. He was with her last night, and was super lovey dovey with me this morning. I understand that it's most likely him expressing appreciation for accepting him and supporting his need for fulfillment outside our marriage, but part of me feels icky wondering if he's still turned on by her, and I'm receiving that leftover affection.
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Or you could make a mental shift and just enjoy the attention. Many poly people feel so great about being able to finally express and live as their authentic selves, that it increases their joy across the board.

My bf struggled with his love life until he met me. He'd realized he had more love to give to the world in a polyamorous way. He didn't have to cheat, or feel like he was coming close to cheating, anymore. He appreciates me so much for partnering with him in his true nature. We've been together 4 years and our passion has never decreased.

Unlike Kevin said, I do not at all think "Eww, it's icky," that my partner can express his love in a physical way for me, for his other partner, and just lets the love flow. It comes naturally to him (and to me, of course). I just don't let myself dwell on his sex life with his OSO, in any way.

How long has your husband been dating this new person? Have you heard of new relationship energy? It's in our glossary.

 
Magdlyn said:
Or you could make a mental shift and just enjoy the attention. Many poly people feel so great about being able to finally express and live as their authentic selves, that it increases their joy across the board.

My bf struggled with his love life until he met me. He'd realized he had more love to give to the world in a polyamorous way. He didn't have to cheat, or feel like he was coming close to cheating, anymore. He appreciates me so much for partnering with him in his true nature. We've been together 4 years and our passion has never decreased.

Unlike Kevin said, I do not at all think "Eww, it's icky," that my partner can express his love in a physical way for me, for his other partner, and just let the love flow. It comes naturally to him (and to me, of course). I just don't let myself dwell on their sex life with his OSO, in any way.

How long has your husband been dating this new person? Have you heard of new relationship energy? It's in our glossary.

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I appreciate that. They've been seeing each other for a few months now, and I do get that it's still new and exciting. I haven't put any limits on him in regards to him spending time with her. I can see how much happier he is. I'm working on adjusting my mindset, accepting that our relationship has changed, and I still cherish the affection we have for each other. I just haven't reached a comfort level where I can accept the affection that feels meant for her. If it isn't meant for me, or inspired by his desire for me, it seems insincere.
 
Monowife67 said:
I appreciate that. They've been seeing each other for a few months now, and I do get that it's still new and exciting. I haven't put any limits on him in regards to him spending time with her. I can see how much happier he is. I'm working on adjusting my mindset, accepting that our relationship has changed, and I still cherish the affection we have for each other. I just haven't reached a comfort level where I can accept the affection that feels meant for her. If it isn't meant for me, or inspired by his desire for me, it seems insincere.
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I understand your discomfort. But try and look at it this way. Ask yourself and answer honestly, have you ever gone to have sex with your husband for reasons that aren't solely to do with your love or lust for him? Have you ever felt extra good about yourself because of a new outfit or hairstyle, making you feel desirable and wanting sex? How about a nice vacation, where you're relaxed, swimming, having fun cocktails, new adventures? How about during ovulation, when it's just pure hormones increasing your libido? If you've watched a romantic TV show or movie, or read a book, or even looked at porn? Etc.

(Let me tell you, both my bf and I get turned on by watching Outlander together. The love between Claire and Jamie is so... inspiring. lol)

Think of NRE as something like that.

Also, consider the alternative. Sometimes people stop desiring their established partner when they get obsessed with a new dating partner! How much worse would that be?
 
Monowife67 said:
Hello. I'm a mono 44F, married to a poly 44M. I wanted to reach out to the community for support, and kinship. My husband has a girlfriend who I respect and like. I'm, by nature, monogamous. Still navigating through emotions and the shifts necessary to make this work.
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Hey there, I think I’m in a fairly similar situation to you! Message me - I would really love to chat!
 
Hi! I appreciate your post because I have some similar feelings regarding my partner’s extra relationship. Thank you for posting, it helps me too. Seeing other responses and thought processes is nice and feels useful. I hope we are both able to learn and grow here ❤️
 
Whenever I’m confronted with something that I know has an expiration date - like New Relationship Energy - I try and spend less energy on “fixing” the situation and more on just keeping my head down and getting through it; the bigness of the problems will fade on their own, I just need to watch that no bad habits are formed or boundaries are crossed during that time.

That said, never easy. Feelings are hard to navigate even for the best of us, and it sucks feeling like you’re the problem because you’re the only one who’s not happy. But if everyone is playing by the rules and should be ok on paper, then maybe those feelings can be safely ignored as symptoms of the imperfect nature of humanity and not signs of “something is seriously wrong with this situation.” Don’t be complacent, do be gentle with yourself, and keep reminding yourself that he likes you because you’re you and specifically because you’re not anyone else.
 
Sort of the flip side here. My wife has been in a poly relationship for 5 months and I am mono. (Although I would like to date, it’s extremely hard for me to meet new people for a number of reasons). Very happy for her/him but I do have some loneliness issues sometimes. But we’ve worked very intentionally on communication.

Happy to chat more if you’d like!
 
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