screwing up my first poly

C

ComposerJ

New member
Might need a little perspective on this one, if anyone has some advice. Names changed, of course.

After being with my partner Sue, they told me they wanted to be poly. This was around 2011. We had been together 5 years or so at that point. I wasn't so sure. I wasn't really interested in another partner, but they were, so I said we'd give it a try. Had a lot of problems at first. Browsing these forums helped a lot at the time. They've had a few partners over the years, most of whom I've disliked, but that's not an issue with them or the relationship. I just don't like very many people.

Over the years they've encouraged me to maybe find another partner, but I was never really interested in looking. They've also expressed fear that I would find someone else and just leave, which I would have thought should be clear isn't the case by now. But insecurities, I get it. They are also disabled, very ill. I provide housing and am a primary caregiver for them. So a lot to the situation for them to be afraid about me leaving.

Years go past. I'm never looking for anything. But recently I started becoming close with a friend online. We'll call them Jane. Wasn't looking for anything more; Jane lives in a different country, is married, has a family that they also give care to, and lives with a lot of disabilities on their own. Jane expresses they might want a little bit more, but want to discuss the situation with their partner. (They are married. My partner are not.)

I discuss this with Sue, and they ask if Jane was interested in more. I said, maybe, and I might be too, depending on what it looked like. They said they'd have to get to know them. It's Sunday, close to the time their other partner comes over, and I retreat to my part of the house. (I do not like this one. They've been together for about 3 years now.)

Jane comes back with this: a romantic, asexual relationship, just online (again, different countries). Neither of us is ever interested in breaking up our primary relationship. They've become the best friend I've met in years, and this seemed like that, but with a little virtual hand holding, I had discussed my interest with Sue, so I say okay.

I say that Sue wants to get to know them. They say "give me a little time." (They have some social anxieties, and just had the conversation with their partner, so needed some recovery. I think that's fair.)

The next day, I tell Sue about it, first thing. Tell them the terms of the relationship, and that I agreed. They were a little put off about them not getting a chance to know Jane first, that Jane discussed with their partner, but they had not with me, but seemed okay with it. The next day, however, they came at me that I had cheated, that I was having an affair, because they didn't get to know Jane before I agreed. Lots of discussion. I say, okay, we'll get this sorted. I'll ask Jane to contact Sue. They can hash something out, or we could chat all three of us online somewhere, something. This is my mistake. I didn't realize Sue wanted to know them FIRST.

So I tell Jane, and they come back, not being comfortable with that, saying it's a power play, saying that they didn't want to have a private conversation with Sue, they'd think it's weird if I had a private conversation with their partner, etc. I know that some of this is the social anxiety, and other issues.

I have never known Sue's partners before they started dating, but that's my choice. I don't really want to be part of that relationship. And Jane feels the same way.

So, I say, we'll cool things for a bit. It's only been 2 days. We'll figure out where things are. The important thing is that I don't ruin my primary relationship, and that I don't ruin my friendship.

A couple days go by. I'm trying to make things right with Sue. It's not going well. I'm doing some insensitive things. They feel like I'm not caring about how they feel. They were really put off by the "power play" comment, and by Saturday they're no longer comfortable with me even messaging with Jane. I do think Jane was wrong to say that, but I'm not sure that they were entirely wrong, and I feel awful for even thinking that. It got me thinking: what if they did chat, and they didn't like each other? That doesn't matter to me; I don't like Sue's current partner. For the record, I know Jane's partner online, and we get along well.

We're all doing some insensitive things here. I don't want to lose anyone. Sue is the one who wanted the poly relationship, and we've had that for 14 years. Jane and their partner were not poly. Jane brought that to their partner because they wanted to include me. And on paper, this would be the least impact to Sue. For that matter, Jane and I had already planned on our time together being the times that Sue is with their other partner.

I'd appreciate some perspective, if anyone has some.
 
I’m not sure if it’s her illness, or your personalities, or the dynamic that has been built over the yrs, but Sue sounds like she’s in charge and rules the roost. I mean, WTF? After 14 yrs, she can’t just relax and let you have a moment? 14 and half seconds in she has to come piss on it? I don’t get it. IMO, she needs to check and then double-check her entitlement. It’s not some other woman in another country that will cause issues in her relationship. It’s actually this kind of shit. How about a sliver of compassion for you and this new virtual relationship? WTF? She’s not seeing the forest for the trees.
 
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Hello ComposerJ,

Don't worry about making newbie mistakes, everyone does that in the beginning. I think the thing you need to do is explain to Sue that you have consented to all her many partners, even though you didn't like most of them. She needs to realize that she is being a little bit hypocritical here, even if she can't help her emotions. Also you did not realize that she wanted to get to know Jane first. Can you really be "cheating by accident?" I think you'd have to know you were cheating for that to be the case.

I hope the three of you can work things out.
Kevin T.
 
We had a lot of health/medical things this week, and Jane told me some stories about why Sue's request triggered them so much. I've been keeping to Sue's request and not chatting in DMs with Jane the way we have been for the past month, but the story was important, and Jane said they'd be up for a conversation with Sue, but not alone, and probably just once. The discomfort makes sense to me after the story, and I think Sue would usually agree, but they're in a pretty rough state right now.

So tomorrow I'm going to have a conversation with Sue; not just about Jane but what they're looking for out of a conversation with a prospective partner for me. Are they looking to like them? They probably won't, and I haven't particularly liked their partners. Looking to trust them? Again, I don't have a lot of trust either. I don't know what the "get to know" requirements are, and I think I really need to understand that before pursuing anything. I think I need to frame it as a general "let's get on the same page of expectations" more than a "hey, I want to save this relationship with Jane" although that definitely is the case too. 2 parts maybe-- What are the rules? Here's why we should maybe reconsider.

Thanks for reading and for the feedback. I think this is all reasonable. I just want it all to work out, yanno?
 
That makes sense.
 
Sue is feeling threatened by a long-distance online thing with Jane, partnered woman? I mean, I don't want to belittle anyone or anything, but my first thought is:🤨 "Does that even count as a relationship?"
 
If you're going to have a video chat, generally a first meeting between metamours is just to put a face with a name. Have some polite small talk. It could just be a 10-minute thing. It's just to take in the reality of the other person, to replace whatever the fantasy is of whom and how they are.

IMO, there is definitely no need for them to like each other. There is no need for the two of them to talk about the "rules" of dating you, either. Your long-term partner Sue, and your newer friend Jane, each discuss privately with you what their needs and desires are, and your needs and desires are, regarding the amount of time to put into interacting with each of them. It's your responsibility, as the hinge, to balance time and energy between your partners/friends. It's not the job of the arms of the V to talk to make demands on each other about their desires, or to work out the schedule. You are the go-between, like it or not.

Obviously you'll be spending more time with Sue, since you and they have been together for a long time, have a household to run.

The only concern for Jane, I'd think, would be NRE making you get carried away and spending too much time texting with them. Just be aware of that, and you should be fine.
 
I don't know if this helps you any. I think this.

Sue is overreacting. If this has been poly for years, you can just decide how you poly date on your side. Sue doesn't have to "interview" your partners and "approve" them before you can online date them. She's overstepping with that, probably from anxiety, but that doesn't make it ok.

On your end, you are oversharing with Sue. You didn't have to tell her anything about the "power play" comment that Jane told you in private. I get it, you are a newbie hinge, but that was oversharing, all the same. Every dyad needs its own privacy. You don't tell Jane things that Sue told you in private, and you don't tell Sue things that Jane told you in private.

Additionally, Jane is right. Sue wanting to "approve" your dating partners IS like a power play. You are an adult. You can make your own choices.

They don't ever have to talk or meet each other. If, for some reason this developed into visits, you'd use safer sex practices with all partners, travel on your own dime, and that's about it. It's not like you go travel and then can't make rent that month. That would be using the household budget for your own private dating. YKWIM?

JANE

Apologize to Jane for the bungled roll-out and tell her not to worry about it. You do not expect her to talk to Sue or meet her. You will deal with your other partner yourself. In the future, if people want to meet online, fine. But right now, you have decided NO.

Jane talking to Sue is sounding like, "Well, if you really need me to... but I'm not comfortable." To me, that's NOT a joyful yes. So take responsibility and say NO. No meetings online to talk are necessary for at least the first 6-12 mos.

SUE

Up until now, Sue has not been asked to develop her metamour skills, just her hinge skills, so she's wigging out. You can be kind but firm with her. You can tell her you are sorry that this didn't roll out as smoothly as you'd hoped. You are learning. You can be present with Sue and try to comfort her. But you aren't going to stop being online friends with Jane or online dating her.

Sue has had plenty of other relationships. You've had to learn your metamour skills, and get through Sue being a newbie and whatever bumps happened along the road. It's fair that it's Sue's turn, now that you are online dating. You aren't out to ding her on purpose, but there are going to be growing pains. It's to be expected. You have decided there will be no meeting online for at least 6-12 mos. In the future, if people want to meet online, fine. But right now? You have decided NO.

Sue could decide she doesn't want to weather this out with you. She might choose to bow out. But I don't think you should coddle her.

It's really unfair for Sue to expect you to do the work to support her poly dating, but then not do her work to support your poly dating. Instead, she is just whooshing all her anxiety at you because you aren't a mind reader and could not read her mind.

If it ends up that Sue basically wanted poly for just herself, and not for you, and was banking on you not ever finding anyone? I guess you get to see Sue in a whole new light now. And then you get to make some choices on whether you want to keep dating her or not, now that you gained insight into her character.

Galagirl
 
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GG, I am not sure why ComposerJ has to speak to each person in such an authoritative way, i.e., "NO, you two will NOT talk to each other for 6-12 months." First of all, it's not his decision. If it's Jane's preference to not talk to Sue yet (or at all), they (Jane) can refuse. Later, Jane can tell ComposerJ if and when they feel ready to virtually meet Sue. If Sue still wants to meet Jane at that point, they can meet.

My bf Aries started dating his OSO Sadie over a year ago. He told me she'd wanted to meet me almost right away. I refused. I never feel a need to meet a partner's partner until they've been dating a solid amount of time, to the point that it feels like a lasting relationship. Otherwise I don't see the point. Sometimes one only has one date, or maybe three, and then it doesn't work out. So why should I even make the effort?

Just recently I told Aries I'd be willing to meet Sadie now. But she lives over an hour away, and we are all busy. I don't see us making a trip any time soon. Perhaps we could "meet" online, but no one seems gung-ho to do that... Sadie hasn't suggested it. I feel fine about Aries dating her, so I just kind of leave them to it.
 
I meant it more as internal talk. I think as a means to cope with all this "whoosh," ComposerJ could firmly tell themselves, "No, this is just not necessary at this juncture. I am not going to suggest them meeting for at least 6-12 months," articulating their line in the sand to THEMSELVES.

How ComposerJ informs their partners could be gentler. "No, let's not worry about meeting right now. I'd prefer to wait," or similar.

Cuz in real life, some relationships don't even make it to 6-12 months. NRE fizzles out.

The emotions are running high here. It's okay for ComposerJ to slow it down.

GG
 
I liked the 10-minute idea proposed earlier. It seems likely to minimise discomfort on all sides.

Besides, it seems natural that if there is an online relationship going, there won't be perfect privacy all the time. Your partner may just knock on your door to inquire about dinner, and unless you end the call, boom, they're on camera. It's better for all sides if they can just say hi and not make much of it. A 6-month no-talk period makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.

Having said that, wanting to meet your partner's prospect "before agreeing to a relationship"-- for what purpose, to interrogate and veto them?-- is easily seen as a powerplay.
 
"Passing through" to ask about dinner is not "talking to the meta" to me.

It's Sunday, close to the time their other partner comes over, and I retreat to my part of the house. (I do not like this one. They've been together for about 3 years now.)
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They also seem to have separate parts of the house. OP doesn't intrude on Sue's date time. Sue could return the favor regardless of how they feel about Jane.

I'd appreciate some perspective, if anyone has some.
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OP, you could be kind but firm with Sue. Acknowledge her feelings without feeling like YOU have to "fix it" for her. You dating on your side isn't anything she hasn't been doing all along on her side. And hers are in-person relationships while yours is online. You deal with her hosting people. She can't deal with you using a computer? That's pretty odd, to me.

I get it is new for her, but honestly, it sounds like she is making mountains out of molehills. This has been poly since 2011. It is 2025. She had 14 years to do her personal work. If she didn't do it and now feels uncomfortable as a result... how is that you being a big meanie to her?

GG
 
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Honestly, this is less about poly inexperience and more about a toxic relationship dynamic. Telling you that you had done something you don’t believe you did (even pointing out yourself that Jane’s disinclination to meet Sue quickly was reasonable) and then berating you until you not only believe it but are willing to recommend something you know is contrary to Jane’s comfort is… frankly, some pretty abusive gaslighting.

Now, I’m not a therapist myself, but I have been a victim of emotional abuse and how Sue treats you is not remotely ok.

You have every right to behave exactly as she initially told you you could, literally encouraged you to do; you have every right to tell her that she has to simply be able to deal with your entirely reasonable requests; you are not responsible for her emotional health or current emotional state. She’s the one who wanted to set the rules for this situation and modeled how she wanted to be treated by how she treated you. Demanding differently now, after the fact, is unacceptable, despite how badly you feel for her.

Stop pitying her and treat her like an adult. She needs to be a big girl and lie in the bed she made and if SHE can’t handle it, I fail to see how that’s any of your problem.

If any of that vibes with you, my only advice is talking to some mental health professionals because this is not a healthy situation and it’s not going to ever get better until you and Sue handle your own shit, if you decide to stay with her at all.
 
GalaGirl said:
"Passing through" to ask about dinner is not "talking to the meta" to me.
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Nonetheless, it's going to be way less weird after they have been introduced.
 
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