Seeking advice for mono/poly relationship

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ryguy607

New member
Hello there,

I've been with my gf for about 2, going on 3 years. She's been polysaturated with just me up until recently. This is my first time being with someone who is poly. I had a roommate that was poly, but this is a whole different ballgame.

I've been feeling like she's started spending a lot of time on her new love interests, and I've mentioned that I feel neglected and lonely. I've been struggling to make friends after moving closer to her a year ago. I occupy my time with as much satisfaction as I can, but I can't help but feel alone, knowing that someone else is getting the attention and affection I am so desperately craving.

She went out on a date and promised that she'd spend the night with me, like I asked. I felt that I could handle the whole date thing as long as I got the reassurance of sleeping next to her. Unfortunately, I texted and then called multiple times to let her know that I was not going to be up much longer, but she never responded. (She can't let herself into my building, sadly.) But this has me feeling betrayed and distraught.

I would like to know if I just need to get used to this, or if there is something different we should be doing.
 
Hi, I'm sorry that you're going through this.

You don't need to get used to it. You shouldn't have to deal with unfulfilled promises. It's a matter of setting boundaries and respecting them. In this case it sounds like she didn't respect the agreement. However one thing I would be careful about is boundaries vs demands. If she was asked to come back home after the date and felt that she didn't have the choice to accept, it's not healthy boundaries.

I think that all parties have to be happy in the relationship with each other's boundaries. I would definitely talk with her for longer about it all. You both will figure this out.

My advice are not worth much since everybody is very different so please take what I say as not more than some inspiration.
 
ryguy607 said:
I've been with my gf for about 2, going on 3 years. She's been polysaturated with just me up until recently. This is my first time being with someone who is poly. I had a roommate that was poly, but this is a whole different ballgame.
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It sounds like you didn't educate yourself on polyamory, and your only knowledge of it came from your roommate. You probably felt pretty secure that you and your gf were mono for almost three years. Now that the NRE has worn off, her true nature is coming out. She is polyamorous. Please check out our Golden Nuggets section. We have an incredible treasure trove there of info on polyamory, former archived threads, online articles on specific topics, books, movies, a podcast, etc. :) You are not alone.


ryguy607 said:
I've been feeling like she's started spending a lot of time on her new love interests, and I've mentioned that I feel neglected and lonely. I've been struggling to make friends after moving closer to her a year ago. I occupy my time with as much satisfaction as I can, but I can't help but feel alone, knowing that someone else is getting the attention and affection I am so desperately craving.
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It sounds like your first step is to get some hobbies of your own, and cultivate some friendships. The Most Skipped Step article in Golden Nuggets would be worth a read.

medium.com

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!
medium.com medium.com

A poly person can't date a mono who is "desperate" for attention. Mono couples can get very codependent, and that doesn't fly in healthy poly relationships.

But if she's talking to others for hours on end, and not giving you any more focused quality attention, being fully caught up in the new at your expense, you can request more focused, quality date time. She can't take you for granted, and vice versa.
ryguy607 said:
She went out on a date and promised that she'd spend the night with me, like I asked. I felt that I could handle the whole date thing as long as I got the reassurance of sleeping next to her. Unfortunately, I texted and then called multiple times to let her know that I was not going to be up much longer, but she never responded. (She can't let herself into my building, sadly.) But this has me feeling betrayed and distraught.
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Now this is on her! If she promised to come to your place and spend the night after her date, but instead stayed out late, or went to his place or had him over to hers, this broke your agreement. I don't like this. :( Poly people need to keep their agreements. It's part of respect. I take it you haven't talked to her or seen her since the date, so you don't know what happened?
ryguy607 said:
I would like to know if I just need to get used to this, or if there is something different we should be doing.
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You don't need to get used to being disrespected, no!

But there are things you can do to adjust to being with a polyamorous partner, as I said above. Read, read, read, and talk, talk, talk.

However, if she has recently found you to be too clingy, needy, or "desperate," polyamory itself might not be the actual problem. Please keep us updated. I'm glad you're here.
 
Thanks, y'all, for the insight. She finally got back to me at almost midnight and was frustrated that I blew up her phone on her date (which I suspected was a date, but wasn't explicitly told it was until this morning). I told her that I still wanted to see her, because sharing a bed is something that is very important to me and that we could talk about things in the morning.

I think I got desperate because I have been asking for more dedicated time, since I feel like she is far away when we are together sometimes. I thought that she was promising me quality time and to spend the night together.

I'm not a night owl, so when it started getting later and later with no response, it broke my heart. I know she is talking to her other people when she is with me so it is frustrating for me to be ignored while she is with them. I feel like I am asking for quality and intentional time to feel close and secure, but I don't feel like I'm getting it. Like, these other people get her dressed up and on dates, and I feel like I just get bumming together on the couch after work, while she's distracted and not really paying attention to me.
 
Are you familiar with the concept of compersion?
 
ryguy607 said:
Thanks y'all for the insight. She finally got back to me at almost midnight and was frustrated that I blew up her phone on her date (which I suspected was a date, but wasn't explicitly told it was until this morning). I told her that I still wanted to see her, because sharing a bed is something that is very important to me, and that we could talk about things in the morning. I think I got desperate because I have been asking for more dedicated time, since I feel like she is far away when we are together sometimes. I thought that she was promising me quality time and to spend the night together. I'm not a night owl so when it started getting later and later with no response it broke my heart.
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I hear you had feelings, but of course it's not cool to blow up one's partner's phone when they're out with someone else.

I guess she herself wasn't sure if it was "a date" or not. Whatever. She was out with another man.

It sounds like she went home alone, at any rate, and before midnight, to boot. I'm not sure you had a right to expect her to be at your place before midnight, like she's Cinderella, you know? I hear that was your wish, but it was probably too restrictive for her comfort. It sounds like she maybe vaguely said she'd come to your place after the date (maybe just to placate you, shut you up, calm your fears), but she didn't really like that idea.
ryguy607 said:
I know she is talking to her other people when she is with me, so it is frustrating for me to be ignored while she is with them.
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Yes, most couples in polyamorous relationships set up times to put away phones and focus on each other. It seems you two don't live together, so maybe (for example) you'd like her to do her texting while she's at her place, but when she comes to your place, agree to stay off her phone, not be constantly texting with her other interests?

Also, you could think up some interesting date ideas for the two of you, where you both get a bit dressed up, go out and do something fun, romantic, and bonding.

Just sitting around moping and sulking and complaining (if that's what you're doing) is not going to make you seem super attractive.

Again, I understand your feelings, your fear of loss, envy, etc. And those feelings are perfectly valid. It's the behaviors you can change, though.
ryguy607 said:
I feel like I am asking for quality and intentional time to feel close and secure, and I don't feel like I'm getting it. Like, these other people get her dressed up and on dates, and I feel like I just get bumming together on the couch after work while she's distracted and not really paying attention to me.
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Remember, opening up a relationship and setting boundaries takes time. You can't expect to be right on the same page immediately.

Take a few deep breaths. Go for a walk. You'll be able to get what you need eventually.

However, most successful newly-polyamorous couples take at least a year to do research and talk everything over before actually starting to date. It seems you and she didn't talk about anything before she just suddenly said, "I'm on dating sites," or whatever, "and am going to start dating others." So you're caught unawares and completely unprepared.

Tell her this.
 
Magdlyn said:
I hear you had feelings, but of course it's not cool to blow up one's partner's phone when they're out with someone else.

I guess she herself wasn't sure if it was "a date" or not. Whatever. She was out with another man.

It sounds like she went home alone, at any rate, and before midnight, to boot. I'm not sure you had a right to expect her to be at your place before midnight, like she's Cinderella, you know? I hear that was your wish, but it was probably too restrictive for her comfort. It sounds like she maybe vaguely said she'd come to your place after the date (maybe just to placate you, shut you up, calm your fears), but she didn't really like that idea.

Yes, most couples in polyamorous relationships set up times to put away phones and focus on each other. It seems you two don't live together, so maybe (for example) you'd like her to do her texting while she's at her place, but when she comes to your place, agree to stay off her phone, not be constantly texting with her other interests?

Also, you could think up some interesting date ideas for the two of you, where you both get a bit dressed up, go out and do something fun, romantic, and bonding.

Just sitting around moping and sulking and complaining (if that's what you're doing) is not going to make you seem super attractive.

Again, I understand your feelings, your fear of loss, envy, etc. And those feelings are perfectly valid. It's the behaviors you can change, though.

Remember, opening up a relationship and setting boundaries takes time. You can't expect to be right on the same page immediately.

Take a few deep breaths. Go for a walk. You'll be able to get what you need eventually.

However, most successful newly-polyamorous couples take at least a year to do research and talk everything over before actually starting to date. It seems you and she didn't talk about anything before she just suddenly said, "I'm on dating sites," or whatever, "and am going to start dating others." So you're caught unawares and completely unprepared.

Tell her this.
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Before she left for the date, we had discussed that she would "let things wrap up naturally," and then I would come over to do a puzzle or something and we could talk poly stuff and then head out. I was supposed to pick her up, since she can't drive at night. She knows I can't stay up late, so I told her I would not be able to pick her up if I was tired. She told me, "Oh, it won't be that late." Like I feel like I am getting mixed messaging and false promises. I asked multiple times throughout the day if she was still planning to come over. I thought they were hanging out as friends initially, because that's all they were before this date, so I panicked and blew up her phone. I know I shouldn't have, but it's something I'm working on in therapy.

I have been planning dates, and finding stuff that we would enjoy, but recently, every time I go to make the plans, she has already made plans with someone else. I'm trying to keep up with her calendar, but working two jobs makes it hard to even keep up with my own.

I definitely feel blindsided.
 
"Like I feel like I am getting mixed messaging and false promises."

Have this conversation with her.

"I feel like I am asking for quality and intentional time to feel close and secure and I don't feel like I'm getting it. Like, these other people get her dressed up and on dates and I feel like I just get bumming together on the couch after work while she's distracted and not really paying attention to me."

And this one.

Just because she's poly, doesn't mean she's good at it.
 
Hello ryguy607,

It sounds like your girlfriend is neglecting you, she is letting her NRE for her new love interests capture all of her attention. Just because you are mono, doesn't mean you don't deserve to be treated well. Explain to her that you expect her to be fair to you, and that your needs still matter. I'm sorry, I know this is difficult.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Evie said:
"Like I feel like I am getting mixed messaging and false promises."

Have this conversation with her.

"I feel like I am asking for quality and intentional time to feel close and secure and I don't feel like I'm getting it. Like, these other people get her dressed up and on dates and I feel like I just get bumming together on the couch after work while she's distracted and not really paying attention to me."

And this one.

Just because she's poly, doesn't mean she's good at it.
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I've never thought about it like that. She's so emotionally intelligent and I feel like I learn a lot from her, but I've never considered that she has some learning to do as well. She has pretty significant ADHD, so she's usually some level of distracted, and I've had to spend a lot of time navigating that, as well.

I get so in my head about having these conversations with her because I am terrified that I'll say the wrong things. Like, when we first started dating, I remember her saying that she didn't want to dim her light for anyone else's comfort. I don't want to say stupid crap that makes her feel like she can't be that person around me.
 
kdt26417 said:
It sounds like your girlfriend is neglecting you. She is letting her NRE for her new love interests capture all of her attention. Just because you are mono, doesn't mean you don't deserve to be treated well. Explain to her that you expect her to be fair to you, and that your needs still matter. I'm sorry, I know this is difficult.
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Hi Kevin!

I get the majority of her free time, so I feel like I can't say I'm neglected and that she would agree. My fears lie in the fact that I feel like even though I get all this time, it doesn't help me feel connected and close to her. I miss having date nights and deep conversations. I want to understand what her version of poly looks like, and not just surface-level stuff, like what terms to use and the difference between open relationships and being poly. That stuff is all well and good, but it doesn't matter if I can't relate it back to our relationship.
 
It sounds like you need to have some heavy conversations with her, like she is with you (quantity), but she is kind of tuned out (quality), so then you aren't in the kind of relationship with her that you'd like to be. Set some goals for you and her, and make sure she is on the same page as you.
 
ryguy607 said:
Yeah, she talks about it a lot.
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If it's of any help, one way I look at compersion is to compare how I'd feel with friendships. For example, you were probably happy about your roommate having nice experiences, or at least it didn't make you feel insecure. Ideally it would feel the same with a lover. Easier said than done, though!

I won't say more than this because some of the comments and observations above are spot on.
 
kdt26417 said:
It sounds like you need to have some heavy conversations with her, like she is with you (quantity), but she is kind of tuned out (quality), so then you aren't in the kind of relationship with her that you'd like to be. Set some goals for you and her, and make sure she is on the same page as you.
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What kind of goals should I set? Would a goal be something along the lines of "We will have a no-phones date night once a week"?
 
ryguy607 said:
What kind of goals should I set? Would a goal be something along the lines of "We will have a no-phones date night once a week"?
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Sounds like a fair agreement to me.
 
I don't know if this helps you any. I mean this kindly, okay?

Just because she poly-dated before you doesn't mean anything other than she poly-dated before you. She might not be great at it. This sounds like "poly hell" stuff, to me.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

It also sounds like you may be tolerating behaviors that hurt you because you’re afraid she’ll leave if you complain. Could that be true?

Here are some practical things to consider:
  • Firm plans matter. If she can manage a date with someone else, she can manage her own transportation. You don't have to be her ride. If she’s coming over, she could give you a firm time. If she can’t, reschedule — don’t double-book.
  • Boundaries around communication. If she doesn’t respond, and you feel stood up, text once 15-30 minutes past the time to see if she's running late. No response? Let it go. Go to bed. Don’t keep blowing up her phone; honor your own need for sleep and sort it out later.
  • Proper dates. You are not a backup plan. If you want a proper date, ask for it, and make it clear what that looks like. You don’t have to accept a date for “bumming on the couch” if that’s not meaningful to you. You can say, "Thanks, but I'll pass. I'm not up for that."
  • Have a limit. If she keeps standing you up? Stop dating her. She's not reliable. Do not prioritize people who treat you as optional.
You can also clarify what you want in a healthy poly relationship. Some examples:

  • X regular dates per week/month
  • Honesty, respect, and healthy conflict resolution
  • Punctuality and reliability
  • Similar hobbies, values, or long-term goals
  • Non-negotiables: no lying, controlling behavior, or blame-shifting
You get to have whatever you want as your personal standards for what you seek in a healthy dating partner. She either meets them or she doesn’t. If not, it’s okay to walk away and seek relationships that are better fits for you. You are allowed to expect care, consideration, and respect without asking her to "dim her light."

It seems like your social life is heavily centered on her. Expanding your support network might help you feel less alone and more secure. You could get out to some local tours to learn about your new town's history and landmarks, attend some stuff like open mic nites, join a hiking club, or volunteer at the food bank. Circulate -- get to know others. Ask coworkers for tips and places. Is there an annual Turkey Trot? Winter Holiday Fair? Something else they enjoy? Maybe invite one to lunch, where you treat, and they give you the insider scoop on your new home.

Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn said:
However, if she has recently found you to be too clingy, needy, or "desperate," polyamory itself might not be the actual problem. Please keep us updated. I'm glad you're here.
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Hmmmm, I think this can become a chicken/egg situation. Even someone who is not normally the clingy, needy, desperate type may become that way when a previously attentive partner turns towards someone new. In which case, polyamory absolutely IS the problem. It's just not the right relationship structure for someone who wants a great deal of togetherness, someone who WANTS the entanglements and the super-closeness.

@ryguy607, I empathize with you, because there's been times I've come off as clingy and "too much" and beat myself up for it, wondering why I couldn't just play it cool and confident and act like I didn't care (because we all know the one who cares the least about the r'ship has the most power.) I have now understood I am NOT clingy and desperate. I was just with partners who weren't a good fit!

Everyone is on a continuum of how much autonomy they want vs. how much closeness. Neither end is right or wrong, but a mismatch can be a dealbreaker. When I finally found a partner who wants as much of my time and energy as I want of theirs, it is a game-changer.

Either way, building up your own life apart from your partner is a win-win. You'll need a strong support system to get through this, or get out of it.
 
Re: "We will have a no-phones date night once a week" ... would be an excellent goal. Another one might be, "We will nurture more emotional intimacy with each other."
 
Thank you all so much! I am so glad to have found this forum. This has been very helpful and I appreciate the advice and insight.
 
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