Seeking Advice

Blank

New member
Just someone who read up on polyamory across many sites but really just hope for outside view of things.

Please no flaming :'( I really just want to inquire and all.

Not sure if me and my partner would be suitable for polyamory. We have excellent communications and communicate our needs well. We don't really have jealousy present even when it comes to having experience with others while being together. We revel in being perfect for each other currently but at the same time we feel like we still have the potential for polyamory. We both enjoy being mostly monogamy where it's all the time together and etc (with a sprinkle of consensual nonmonogamy here and there that had brought up no conflict at all with both of us feeling secure about each other) so like. Is it wiser for us to simply be non-monogamy instead of trying polyamory? We both find the though of showering another with affection, planning dinners, dates, holiday celebration , making another feel special being quite appealing. Although we are also a kinky pair that will explore into the kink side a lot more in the future. But we aren't seeking just to spice anything up, really, we know we can do that ourselves and using others for just that is meh.

We seem to love what monogamy brings but at the same time we also seem to have the capacity for non-monogamy, but am concern if we do have the capacity for polyamory because we don't want to cause any trouble.

Again, I'm sincerely just inquiring, please don't flame me for this. I'm sorry if what I wrote offended anyone or enraged anyone. I'm really just asking.

Thanks for reading. ;-;
 
There is a post online called "the most skipped step when doing polyamory", something like that. That's a good post for someone at your stage.
Just read it, but me and my partner seems to have already been practicing that from the start of our rs :0 Is there any other big things one must be aware of and work on that you personally think will be a possible issue that may pop up before touching polyamory? Thanks a lot!
 
Just read it, but me and my partner seems to have already been practicing that from the start of our rs :0 Is there any other big things one must be aware of and work on that you personally think will be a possible issue that may pop up before touching polyamory? Thanks a lot!
If you want a big overview of different kinds of open relationships, you should order the book Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. It covers all the ways to be open, and the common problems people in these kinds of relationships face, and how to overcome them.

I am not sure if you're considering being "unicorn hunters," and think you might want to find a bi woman to share. This is never a good way to start being poly. It's best if you each get your own new partner(s). Here's an explanation.

 
Is it wiser for us to simply be non-monogamy instead of trying polyamory?

The only ones that can answer that is you two.

Is there any other big things one must be aware of and work on that you personally think will be a possible issue that may pop up before touching polyamory?

That is also up to you to -- to list the dealbreakers.

Right from the start you might want to articulate your "messy people" list. Like "Please do not date my parents, siblings, boss, best friend, roomie, etc." The people that would make a big mess. If partner dates your best friend and you run into poly problems? It's hard to seek out your friend for help and support when the friend IS the other person in the mix. There's enough people in the world to date without going right for the messy ones.

Might also talk about family planning -- is having kids with another partner a dealbreaker?

How about if you try polyamory out, and one likes it and the other doesn't... then what?

What if one person wants to be "out" as poly and the other doesn't?

Besides your partner, who do you have to talk to about poly things so you have support?

What you have been so far some would call "monogamish." Like mostly monogamous, but sometimes branching out to share sex with other people once in a while.

Maybe that's easier to do -- the sprinkles here and there, because it's like one time things.

Having a poly partner where you share both romance and sex with that person regularly? That's different than a one time thing here and there.

You could read things and have talks to prepare. The talks could also talk about how this ends -- if it ends well like you hope, if it ends with everyone paired of different, if it ends with everyone single. It sounds counterintuitive, but I think people who can talk about that face polyamory more realistically prepared to handle its challenges and if things DO go wrong, they are more able to work it out or at least have the peaceful parting they planned for.




These are from the "Opening Up" book.

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

HTH!
Galagirl
 
Hello Blank,

It sounds like you and your partner would be suitable for polyamory, you have the basic qualifications; namely, good communication, no jealousy, and just being perfect for each other in general.

Re (from Blank):
"Is there any other big things one must be aware of and work on that you personally think will be a possible issue that may pop up before touching polyamory?"

Here's a few resources that could help:
You must also remember that everyone is different, and consequently, every polyamorous relationship is unique. You may have issues pop up for you that few or no other polyamorists have, and some issues that most people struggle with, may not even faze you. To handle that unpredictable element, I strongly encourage you to keep reading and posting in this thread and on Polyamory.com, to get people's up-to-date feedback and advice that is specific to your situation.

Good luck in your polyamorous and/or nonmonogamous adventures.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Is there any other big things one must be aware of and work on that you personally think will be a possible issue that may pop up before touching polyamory?

Building a polyamorous relationship when you’ve previously been monogamous can be tricky. Some of it is related to learning to deal with more complex logistics, but personally I find that to be irrelevant when compared to the actual struggle.

The difficulty, in my mind, is that you’ll likely be challenging untested waters of emotional maturity which can lead to the need to gain some new skills. Some people are lucky and have already learned how to have healthy relationships with other adults, and for those people the transition to polyamory might not be much of a change at all; they’ll just have to learn to deal with changes in the number of people wanting time with them. For everyone else it is going to be a little bumpy.

Fortunately the tricks in having good polyamorous relationships are the same as having monogamous relationships. There are some basic skills that, once you learn them, will help you in developing long lasting and healthy associations.

  • Understand what boundaries are and why they are important.
  • Set healthy and reasonable boundaries, and treat them with respect.
  • Learn what other people's boundaries are and treat them with respect.
  • Learn to be a grandmaster at gracefully receiving bad news. If we want people to trust us, we have to demonstrate that we are adults and can handle them being honest with us, even when that honesty isn't the news we were hoping for.
  • Come to grips with the reality that not all relationships are healthy in their current state, and some adjustments may need to be made.

Once you learn the ins and outs of what a healthy association looks like, the tricks of managing multiple relationships becomes nothing more than a test of logistics. As long as everyone is following some simple rules of being adults, those logistical challenges can be overcome gracefully and won’t be a big deal.
 
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