Hi all,
I am relatively new to this and I apologize in advance if anything I say feels off or if there are pieces I'm missing. I'm seeking support through understanding and some gentle education on what I might be missing.
My situation is as follows. I'm a single mother to two almost-adult boys. I've been solo parenting for over ten years and have dated women and men on/off but between parenting, a busy professional job and friends, it wasn't a priority. I also consciously chose to not mingle households with anyone, due to a variety of factors and prefer to keep it this way.
Since it didn't have a higher priority for me, I didn't think too much about different needs outside of traditional dating models, except that LAT has an incredible appeal that suited my independence. As my boys are now older, I started to contemplate things more and came to realize that, like many things in my life, a traditional approach doesn't work. I still don't have much time and am not suited for a traditional relationship. Once I let that go, I felt relieved and started investigating other options.
I went on a less traditional app (Feeld, if it matters) and did all that stuff. I'm pretty picky when it comes to people as in also fairly sapio and demi. Someone liked me and we started chatting and hit it off right away. It was one of those effortless connections. His profile said he was happily partnered and that, although it was unique, his partner knew about him being here. So of course I asked him about it very early. He said the boundaries were it was private, safe and didn't interfere with family. Those were all acceptable to me. Again, not a lot of time on my hands and no desire to disrupt a primary partnership.
There were a few kinks I wanted to explore and we were having a lot of fun flirting and also getting to know each other. Like I said, there was an effortless connection. I was really happy because he seemed to have not only a high IQ but also EQ. He also expressed gratefulness for my attentiveness and observations. And we had a lot of other things that just made for really fun times chatting. (Note that he is also sapio and demi.)
We are both busy professionals and so seemed in sync with when we needed space, as well as recognizing we both had families and needed space for that, too. Yet when we connected, it would be instanteous gelling.
There was a small hesitation on his part that I might get too attached as I wasn't partnered. I shared that what I wanted was not to be a primary partner in anything and my time constraints. And we both agreed that affection and a good connection was important.
I noticed last week that he was a bit quiet and teased him a bit. Then on Friday he replied that he was just pulling back in general. He'd deleted his account from Feeld a few weeks ago (as had I) and he said he'd shut down his social media accounts. That I was the only person he was talking to. I asked him if everything was okay and said that we can remove the sexual part from this if that's what he needed. I wanted to keep the connection. It was strong and he felt it too.
He didn't agree but said thank you. Then was quiet again. I was trying to figure out if I had done something wrong. So I reassured him of what I wanted and shared a bit more about how I could empathize with his situation. I also asked him not to project an experience from his past on me. But he fully stepped back. The part that was hardest for me is that he said that traditional or non-traditional relationship because it's not who he is right now and he doesn't see that changing anytime soon.
I am really hurt right now at the speed at which this happened and the powerlessness I feel. I don't understand how he could be on Feeld and presenting one thing and then this happens. I know he wanted to preserve his family unit and at no point did I ask for more or want more.
I understand that every situation is different, but wanted just to understand a bit more what might have happened. It's been suggested to me that he felt the closeness and strength in our connection and that it scared him. To the extent that he had to shut it down. It's also been suggested that something external might have happened and he felt he had to preserve his family unit and protect me at the same time.
I am usually a very measured person. It takes a while for me to warm up to people and I rarely find a balance where I can say there is good reciprocity and attentiveness. From what he said to me, he also felt this. So I'm trying to manage myself and the shock, and having a hard time. Because there was something there and then...he changed and just left abruptly without a conversation.
Of course, I'm respecting his leaving, but part of me is holding onto a little hope that he'll come back, although I know not to wait for that to happen. Has anyone experienced anything similar to this? And is it something I should expect more often? I actually felt that because we could talk about boundaries and keep things contained, this was a safer option for me and allowed myself to trust and believe, but now it doesn't feel that way. I am someone who just naturally connects authentically and deeply with people. That's not about supplanting an existing connection, I thought. I thought it was just adding to it. What did I do wrong?
Edited to add that although I am new to this, my understanding was that he was not.
I feel like I'm grieving not the loss of a sexual relationship but am actual meaningful connection that could have been contained in many ways.
I am relatively new to this and I apologize in advance if anything I say feels off or if there are pieces I'm missing. I'm seeking support through understanding and some gentle education on what I might be missing.
My situation is as follows. I'm a single mother to two almost-adult boys. I've been solo parenting for over ten years and have dated women and men on/off but between parenting, a busy professional job and friends, it wasn't a priority. I also consciously chose to not mingle households with anyone, due to a variety of factors and prefer to keep it this way.
Since it didn't have a higher priority for me, I didn't think too much about different needs outside of traditional dating models, except that LAT has an incredible appeal that suited my independence. As my boys are now older, I started to contemplate things more and came to realize that, like many things in my life, a traditional approach doesn't work. I still don't have much time and am not suited for a traditional relationship. Once I let that go, I felt relieved and started investigating other options.
I went on a less traditional app (Feeld, if it matters) and did all that stuff. I'm pretty picky when it comes to people as in also fairly sapio and demi. Someone liked me and we started chatting and hit it off right away. It was one of those effortless connections. His profile said he was happily partnered and that, although it was unique, his partner knew about him being here. So of course I asked him about it very early. He said the boundaries were it was private, safe and didn't interfere with family. Those were all acceptable to me. Again, not a lot of time on my hands and no desire to disrupt a primary partnership.
There were a few kinks I wanted to explore and we were having a lot of fun flirting and also getting to know each other. Like I said, there was an effortless connection. I was really happy because he seemed to have not only a high IQ but also EQ. He also expressed gratefulness for my attentiveness and observations. And we had a lot of other things that just made for really fun times chatting. (Note that he is also sapio and demi.)
We are both busy professionals and so seemed in sync with when we needed space, as well as recognizing we both had families and needed space for that, too. Yet when we connected, it would be instanteous gelling.
There was a small hesitation on his part that I might get too attached as I wasn't partnered. I shared that what I wanted was not to be a primary partner in anything and my time constraints. And we both agreed that affection and a good connection was important.
I noticed last week that he was a bit quiet and teased him a bit. Then on Friday he replied that he was just pulling back in general. He'd deleted his account from Feeld a few weeks ago (as had I) and he said he'd shut down his social media accounts. That I was the only person he was talking to. I asked him if everything was okay and said that we can remove the sexual part from this if that's what he needed. I wanted to keep the connection. It was strong and he felt it too.
He didn't agree but said thank you. Then was quiet again. I was trying to figure out if I had done something wrong. So I reassured him of what I wanted and shared a bit more about how I could empathize with his situation. I also asked him not to project an experience from his past on me. But he fully stepped back. The part that was hardest for me is that he said that traditional or non-traditional relationship because it's not who he is right now and he doesn't see that changing anytime soon.
I am really hurt right now at the speed at which this happened and the powerlessness I feel. I don't understand how he could be on Feeld and presenting one thing and then this happens. I know he wanted to preserve his family unit and at no point did I ask for more or want more.
I understand that every situation is different, but wanted just to understand a bit more what might have happened. It's been suggested to me that he felt the closeness and strength in our connection and that it scared him. To the extent that he had to shut it down. It's also been suggested that something external might have happened and he felt he had to preserve his family unit and protect me at the same time.
I am usually a very measured person. It takes a while for me to warm up to people and I rarely find a balance where I can say there is good reciprocity and attentiveness. From what he said to me, he also felt this. So I'm trying to manage myself and the shock, and having a hard time. Because there was something there and then...he changed and just left abruptly without a conversation.
Of course, I'm respecting his leaving, but part of me is holding onto a little hope that he'll come back, although I know not to wait for that to happen. Has anyone experienced anything similar to this? And is it something I should expect more often? I actually felt that because we could talk about boundaries and keep things contained, this was a safer option for me and allowed myself to trust and believe, but now it doesn't feel that way. I am someone who just naturally connects authentically and deeply with people. That's not about supplanting an existing connection, I thought. I thought it was just adding to it. What did I do wrong?
Edited to add that although I am new to this, my understanding was that he was not.
I feel like I'm grieving not the loss of a sexual relationship but am actual meaningful connection that could have been contained in many ways.
I can shrug off not fitting, people being inconsiderate, etc. This is sad in a different way.
