Seeking open marriage, husband is strongly monogamous

[Seekingtruth]

Hello everyone,

So I am married and my husband and I have been together for several years, and love each other greatly. I have come to the realization I am polyamorous; I tried to talk about opening the marriage with him, and it went very badly. He has a very traditional view on marriage and is strongly monogamous, and while he essentially admitted that an open relationship would be a logical option given that our libidos are very mismatched, he could never accept me being with another man and even if he brought himself to accept it, he would hate me for it.

My husband is not really interested in sex (we only have sex when I initiate it, and I am doing it less and less because I do not feel any desire from him); he is happy like this, with just cuddling, while I really enjoy sensuality and eroticism, and want to experience that with someone else (and I realized this would be the case even if my husband's libido matched mine). He has zero interest in non-monogamy and felt very hurt I would even consider an open relationship; I am fairly certain that if I had tried to have this discussion before we got married, he would have ended the relationship.

Given how negative his reaction was when we first had this discussion, I have not brought it up since. (He has also implied that me continuing to want this would likely make him consider ending our relationship.) We love each other and he is a great partner, and we are very compatible otherwise. Ending the marriage is not an option I would ever consider. So at this point I am feeling extremely torn and feel like my options are all terrible -- either try to forget about my desire to have an open relationship, or have a secret lover (I have never cheated and am appalled at myself that I am even thinking about it, but no matter how much I turn all the options in my head, I keep thinking that he would be a lot more hurt by me trying to keep having these conversations, than if I had a secret lover).

So I am at a loss for what to do because my husband is a great partner, I love him and I don't want to hurt him by trying to push him into something he does not want, but I also don't know how I can deal with an unfulfilled need for the rest of my life.

To be clear, this is not just about sex, if I was to initiate sex more often he would probably be fine with it -- but what I need is to feel desired and to have sensuality and erotic intimacy in my life (to give an example, I would much rather have very erotic and sensual kissing, over "mechanical" sex). And it is also clear to me that having this with another man would not take anything away from the love I have for my husband. And I also don't think my husband should force himself to change into someone he is not, even if he could (he has no interest in eroticism / sensuality etc.).

There is someone I met a few months ago who is very interested in being with me (I have made it clear nothing can happen between us, and nothing has) and I can see he could give me the kind of sensual and erotic intimacy I crave, and I find myself crying at night thinking about that. (I have done a lot of thinking about this and it is very clear to me I have no desire to "replace" my husband with this other man, or any other; I love him and absolutely want to stay in my marriage).

I have scheduled a session with a poly-friendly counselor (on my own) and my husband and I are looking at doing counseling together, but I am feeling very hopeless, and also guilty for not being able to just "get over this" and appreciate all the good things I have in my marriage.

Thank you for reading and for any advice.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

If you and spouse have grown incompatible because he is firmly monogamous? And you discovered you want open/poly? The most loving thing to do might be to part ways with dignity and grace so you can both be at peace. Then you can be free TO pursue open/poly things you want. And he is free FROM open/poly things he does not want.

Save the people. Not the marriage.

To me? Vows of "til death to us part" include spiritual death and not just physical death. So if you can no longer keep your promises in good faith? And he's not up for rewriting vows for a new deal called open/poly? Could work to accept the marriage may have come to an end. And you served the old vows out as best you can for as long as you could.

I don't think it would be good for either one to square peg round hole. Like he does poly stuff he doesn't want and grows to hate you. Or you do monogamy stuff you don't want and you die on the inside or start to hate him. All for what? To say you are still married on paper? While the actual people are getting damaged?

I can imagine this is super hard to feel right now. But please, please don't start up a cheating affair and make a hard thing worse.

I hope your initial intake appointment goes well with the new counselor and they can help you figure out what to do and how to come to terms with this crossroads place in your life.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

I feel bad for you. This happens a lot in marriages. Of course you love your h as a person, but for some of us, our sexualities are extremely important and when we are not fulfilled in that way, we can become depressed, distracted and feel like life is just... empty.

When one has a strong libido, having a life partner who is content with being good friends and roommates is just not what we want and need to feel like we are living our best life!

So many people over the millennia have struggled with this. Our culture is monogamous, as an ideal, but obviously it does not really work for many people. Therefore we have romantic movies, books, TV shows, porn magazines and videos, cheating, strip clubs, lap dancers, sex workers, divorce, etc. However, polyamory is a new concept, and many people feel highly threatened by it for a number of reasons. They would actually prefer their partner to "cheat," have an affair, and turn a blind eye, pretending not to notice, rather than "lose" their long term partner (as they see it) and have to overtly deal with imaging him/her having sex with another person. This has been the typical way of going for a very long time, and seems more socially acceptable.

Only you can make this difficult decision. Right now you are hurting yourself to avoid hurting your h. But honey, life is short. There are plenty of men out there who would desire you, and treat you as a sex goddess, and love you too. In the past, when people promised to be true to each other forever, they only lived into their 30s. Nowadays we live into our 70s, 80s. That's a long-ass time to feel unfulfilled and depressed.

Personally, I think it is selfish for an asexual or aromantic person to expect their sexual romantic partner to live without something so important. To me, my sex life is extremely important. I'd rather skip a meal than a good sweaty sex session.

 

[Inaniel]

Cheating is a means to an end. Therefore my hunch tells me that you have the desire to end the relationship.

Many people cheat, and then leave it to the spouse to end the relationship. Can you think of any good reason to destroy the relationship in leu of pursuing an ethical ending? I think this concept deserves some deep thought.

My recommendation is to find the personal strength to end the relationship ethically. Life is good when you aren't carrying around all of that guilt associated with screwing people over.

Other than that I agree with everything Magdlyn said. I was in a similar situation once, but never again. I have seen the light and would never tolerate what you are going through ever again.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Seekingtruth,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You have stated unequivocally that you will not leave your husband under any circumstances. That you love him too much for that. That he is a perfect match for you in every way, *other than this one little thing.* I am going to respect your declaration, and refrain from suggesting divorce no matter how much I may want to. Of course, none of this would stop your husband from divorcing *you,* if he becomes so inclined, so I guess you'd better tread with care so that he *doesn't* become so inclined.

Since your course of action -- whatever it is -- will absolutely include staying married, you are left with two choices. One choice is to have a secret affair -- presumably one that lasts the rest of your life -- or a series of affairs that lasts the rest of your life. This will work as long as your husband never -- and I mean *never* -- finds out. At least not until you pass away, and probably not until *he* passes away. Can you maintain that level of secrecy? and note that most people believe they can keep an affair more secret than they really can. So you are taking a terrible gamble, if you go this way. Of course, your husband has implied that you continuing to want open/poly would likely make him consider breaking up with you. So, you will be hiding something from him no matter what. You will be hiding your continuing open/poly desire.

Your other choice, is to resign yourself to living monogamously (and with an unsatisfactory sex life) for the rest of your life. I mean you can't even let on that you would (still) like to live open/polyamorously, not unless you want *him* to (probably) divorce *you.* I am presuming you do not want to follow *any* course of action that might end in divorce, no matter which of you would initiate the divorce.

But maybe that opens up a third option. Am I presuming wrong, when I presume it would be unthinkable to you to have him initiate a divorce? Maybe as long as you don't initiate it, it would fall under the realm of extreme possibilities? If so, then your task could be quite simple: You might merely need to raise the open/poly topic with him again, say in a few months or so, and clearly state to him, that you still want open/poly. And if that doesn't convince him to divorce you, you could then state that you are planning to have sex with someone else, and that while you hope he (your husband) will stay with you, you will accept his decision whatever it is, as far as divorce (or no divorce) is concerned.

I know, the third option doesn't sound great either. But honestly, what great options do you have? which is a rhetorical question and the answer is none. I feel bad, you are probably hoping that someone on this forum will know of a way you can get your husband to change his mind. Something you can say to him, or even a silent hint you can drop, if he would divorce you for ever mentioning open/poly. To which I must say, unless he is hiding (from you and perhaps from himself) a doubt about his staunch monogamous position, you are kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. You could suggest that he read a book, namely, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. But divorce might be the price you pay for raising that suggestion. If you want to be completely safe from the prospect of divorce, you must never again mention open/poly to him.

I hope there's another option I'm not thinking of.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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