Separating because I think I’m Poly

M

MidnightVirgo

New member
I don’t really know where to start. There is so much guilt, shame, regret, and heartbreak.

Last night, after 9 years together (6 married), my husband and I decided to separate. This is largely due to the fact that I believe I am poly, and after many discussions, he has come to the conclusion that, as much as he loves me, it is not a lifestyle he is comfortable living. I can not blame him for that, but I think a part of me was taken aback, because I thought he could love me through anything. It isn’t his fault, and I can’t expect him to disregard his own feelings on the matter to accommodate me. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.

A situation arose over summer, where we spent a lot of time with a couple who wanted to swap partners with us. It is a discussion my husband and I have had on and off over the years, and something I thought we could work up to. I felt like swapping would make me feel less guilty because he would have been doing the same things I was.

We spent the night with them, and did not full swap, but kissing and fondling occurred from both ends. And I had the best time. I also felt really connected to my husband after switching partners and coming back to each other when we got home. The happiness was short-lived when I realized I had developed feelings for the other man. I confessed this to my husband about a week later, after spending an evening with the other man and spilling my feelings to him. (Nothing happened that night, apart from flirting and me playing with his hair.)

My husband was obviously hurt, but seemed very open to trying to understand me and vowed that we would learn together. I think I mistook this as him agreeing that there was a possibility of us living the lifestyle together, and I was elated.

We spent the summer practically living at their house and the feelings grew, but along with that came regret and feelings of betrayal. The other man and I would secretly hug and talk as though we were not married. We would try to find excuses to play drinking games in the hopes that we could soft swap again, at the very least.

Even though we never had sex or even kissed after the night we had permission to do so, it still felt like an affair, in both my eyes and my husband's.

I also have been treated for borderline personality disorder, and I discovered that the other man had become my “favorite person,” which made the attachment that much more complicated. It was really hard to decipher if my strong feelings were real, or if it was my dependency on that person. I truly felt like I was falling for him, while also loving my husband and wanting to maintain my marriage.

The other man has since gone basically no contact. He had ghosted me for a few days a few times throughout all of this, as he shared things with his own wife, and she wanted him to lower contact with me. He and I would see each other a few times a week. She worked away, and after the last time she came home, the dynamic changed. He all but cut me off, which was absolutely devastating. I’ve tried to get answers since then during the minimal contact we did have, but he basically told me nothing.

In all honesty, he never stated that he had feelings for me, outright. However, I feel our interactions showed me enough to believe that he did. I think he harboured a lot of guilt of his own for that, and cutting me off was probably him trying to protect his own relationship. Now we send maybe a handful of messages through the week, but it’s all superficial, and quite frankly, disappointing, most of the time. I feel like I have mostly let it go, but there are some lingering feelings there.

The other man is supposed to be staying a night with us on the 17th, because he flies out early with his kids, and we agreed to this post separation. With that, and the holidays coming up, my husband and I have agreed to keep the separation to ourselves until after Christmas. It is hard, though, because it has been about six months since the realization that I might be poly, and I hate that I feel like I’m hiding a huge part of myself with the world.

There is another mutual friend of ours that I have connected with recently and I am beginning to develop feelings for him, too. I stayed with him for two days when our house finished selling. (My husband had already moved towns and our daughter was with him.) Nothing inappropriate happened, but god, did I want it to. I hope I wasn’t reading it wrong, but you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. Not to mention we just got along very easily and he made me feel very comfortable sharing my insecurities. He does, however, keep his cards very close to his chest and also doesn’t know I am the way I am.

I haven’t told him yet, because I fear he will reject me, either because he is not into me, or because he and my husband used to work together before the move and he considers him a friend. He is single and I want to see where it would possibly go, but I’m terrified of being rejected.

I feel the need to clarify that I did not agree to a separation with my husband to be with this man. It was more to have the option to explore other relationships and attachments. I was also hoping to do this with my husband as my primary partner. He is the love of my life and my best friend, and I feel so sick that this is what it has come to. I feel stupid and selfish and like everyone is going to hate me and blame me for us separating. And honestly, I blame myself. Sometimes I want to take the night back that was the catalyst to all of this. I wish I could just cut off my feelings and be happy with this amazing person I have built a life with. But it felt like I wasn’t being honest with myself, him, or the other people involved.

We slept in our bed together last night and we kissed and I cried. If it wasn’t shark week we probably would have had sex, almost like a goodbye.

I’ve been up since 4 am just feeling sick and nauseous, and like I’m making the biggest mistake of my life. I never wanted a divorce, but I also can’t expect him to ignore that this isn’t something he wants. I’m in so much pain, especially having a mood disorder that heightens every emotion I have. It’s unbearable. I want to just throw in the towel and say I don’t need to explore this part of my life because I don’t want to lose him. But that doesn’t feel right either. I just feel so lost.

My entire life I have struggled with maintaining the line of monogamy in my relationships. I’ve full-on cheated once, having sex with another man while in a relationship. It happened one time, and I told him the next morning, but that relationship dissolved the same day. All I can remember is my dad saying, “Well, maybe you didn’t love him enough.” Which may have been true, but I did still love him, even while I was connecting with the other man.

There have always been other people throughout my relationships that I've had to hide feelings for. I’ve always felt like something was a little off, but until the inciting incident I never put a name to it. I feel like there is a stigma around being poly and I worry constantly about the judgment I’m going to face from family and society. I also worry about how it will affect my daughter in the future. I felt like being in an open marriage was more socially acceptable, so that’s what I aimed for.

I don’t know what to do from here. I am in mourning for my relationship with my husband. But at the same time, I’m excited about the prospect of forming new connections. I just feel so guilty. I’m so worried I’m blowing up my family and I’m going to look back at my life and wish I could have just tucked this piece of myself away. But no matter how much I have tried to suppress it, it’s still there.

I don’t really know what I wanted to gain out of this post. I think I just needed to get everything out there, maybe see if anyone has had a similar experience, and hoping it might help me find happiness. I’m so scared. And financially, things will be very difficult for me going forward, as I am a stay-at-home mom with little to no income from being an author. But staying with my husband for financial stability is not an option. It wouldn’t be fair to him and I would never do that.

I have no idea what my future looks like, and for someone that has wanted a nuclear family since she was twelve, it’s so confusing. I hate that I don’t know how to define myself. Am I poly? Poly curious? Do I want to date to find a different monogamous partner? I don’t think so, but I’m so unsure about everything. I just wanted to understand what this all is, and I don’t want to look back wishing I had stayed.
 
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and vulnerable part of your journey. It’s clear that you’re grappling with so many layers of emotion—love, guilt, regret, hope, and fear. These feelings are all valid, and the fact that you’re reflecting so profoundly on them shows the depth of your care for the people in your life, as well as your own desire to live authentically.

At the heart of your story is a deep conflict between the parts of you that yearn to honor your truth and the parts of you that long to preserve the love and stability you’ve built. This is not a choice between right and wrong, but a reckoning with the complexity of human relationships and identity. Your struggle reflects a universal truth: we are all evolving, and sometimes our growth takes us in directions we never anticipated.

You mentioned a profound sense of guilt and fear of judgment, but consider this—guilt often arises not because we have done something wrong, but because we feel we have failed to meet others' expectations or societal norms. It’s natural to feel responsible for the pain your choices have caused, but love and relationships are not about blame. They are about mutual understanding, respect, and growth. It sounds like your husband has met this moment with a great deal of grace, even though it has been painful for him. That speaks volumes about the love and connection you’ve shared, and those are things that will remain part of you, regardless of the form your relationship takes going forward.

Being polyamorous—or even exploring that identity—can feel like stepping into uncharted territory, especially in a world that often assumes monogamy as the default. It’s no wonder you feel trepidation. But remember, embracing your truth doesn’t mean rejecting the love you’ve had with your husband. It simply means honoring a part of yourself that you’ve realized you can’t suppress. Growth often brings discomfort, but it also brings the potential for deeper self-awareness and fulfillment.

You are mourning, and that’s okay. Mourning is the soul’s way of honoring what has been precious to us. It’s natural to feel the weight of the dreams you had for your marriage, your family, and your life together. At the same time, it’s important to recognize that relationships evolve. What you and your husband have shared isn’t ending—it’s transforming. You will always be part of each other’s story, and the love and memories you’ve created are indelible.

As for your daughter, what will matter most to her isn’t whether you fit into a conventional mold, but whether you model authenticity, kindness, and resilience. Showing her that you are committed to understanding yourself and building honest, loving relationships will teach her the value of living a life aligned with one’s truth.

It’s okay not to have all the answers right now. Healing, discovery, and transformation are processes, not destinations. Give yourself permission to sit with uncertainty. Trust that, in time, clarity will come.

Lastly, I want to remind you of your courage. It takes immense bravery to face the kind of change you are facing, to admit that what you thought you wanted no longer aligns with who you are, and to take steps toward a life that feels truer to you. You are not selfish for wanting to explore what love and connection mean to you. You are human.

Whatever the future holds, you are not alone. There are others who have walked a similar path, and there are communities of people who will embrace you without judgment. Lean into those connections when you feel ready. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time, and you are deserving of patience, compassion, and love—including your own.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I think developing feelings for someone after one night in the way you describe is more likely to be due to the attachment issues that come with BPD than anything with substance. I wouldn't uproot my life for that.
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I understand what you are saying. But it sometimes it does happen that you develop strong feelings for someone just by spending a few moments with him or her.
 
andreealovescake said:
I understand what you are saying. But it sometimes it does happen that you develop strong feelings for someone just by spending a few moments with him or her.
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You might want to have sex with them. But honestly, mature, emotionally stable adults don't generally develop those type of encompassing feelings for people that quickly. It's usually a sign of emotional turmoil.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
You might want to have sex with them. But honestly, mature, emotionally stable adults don't generally develop those type of encompassing feelings for people that quickly. It's usually a sign of emotional turmoil.
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As I said, sin mozt cases it is true. But in some cases you can develop those feelings really fast because there is a clear, direct connection. And it if perfectly fine with this
 
I tell you what I see. You have a diagnosis of BPD. That man does not. You undeniably shared a hot night together and had a lustful connection. However, this man never declared feelings for you, and had no issue cutting you off once it became obstructive to his real, significant life. These are the things that lead me to conclude this was nothing like a reciprocated deep connection. It was a sexual connection that your BPD led you to see as more than it is. The man reacted like most of us would have-- hot night, but I'm not going to lose my house over it.
.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I tell you what I see. You have a diagnosis of BPD. That man does not. You undeniably shared this hot night together and had a lustful connection. However, this man never declared feelings for you, and had no issue cutting you off once it became obstructive to what is his real, significant life. These are the things that lead me to conclude this was nothing like a reciprocated deep connection. It was a sexual connection that your BPD led you to see as more than it is. The man reacted like most of us would have-- hot night, but I'm not going to lose my house over it.
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What you’ve laid out speaks to a poignant truth about human relationships: the way we perceive a connection can often be colored by our own emotional depth, needs, and vulnerabilities. It’s a uniquely human trait to assign meaning and depth to an interaction that profoundly moves us, even if the other person experiences it differently—or not at all.

The connection you describe with this man may have felt profound to you, and that’s valid. It doesn’t make your feelings any less real or significant. However, the absence of reciprocity from him reveals a fundamental imbalance. True connection, in its deepest sense, requires mutual vulnerability and shared intention. Without those, it’s like one hand reaching out in the dark, touching only air.

The challenge here lies in disentangling your own emotional reality from his. It can be profoundly painful to realize that what felt like a meaningful bond to you was perhaps, for him, a fleeting moment of indulgence or convenience. But this doesn’t diminish the value of what you felt. It simply reflects that relationships, especially those formed in heightened or unconventional contexts, often carry different meanings for those involved.

It’s worth reflecting on what this experience reveals about yourself—your capacity for deep feeling, your yearning for connection, and perhaps the way your BPD influences these dynamics. These insights are not flaws, but opportunities to understand yourself better, to honor your needs, and to seek relationships where your depth is mirrored and cherished.

At the end of the day, connection isn’t just about what we feel—it’s about how it is shared, nurtured, and acknowledged by both parties. When it isn’t mutual, it’s not necessarily a failure, but a lesson. A reminder that we deserve to be met where we stand, not left waiting for someone who’s already walked away.
 
Have you considered therapy before deciding to do a full separation? Does your husband want to have full monogamy with you? Because mono/poly couples do exist, they are just harder to manage. Would suggest to take a step back and find a therapist together with husband.

What if you decide polyamory is not for you and you want to close the relationship again? Does your husband want to give you time for that?
 
LaminarFlow said:
Have you considered therapy before deciding to do a full separation? Does your husband want to have full monogamy with you? Because mono/poly couples do exist, they are just harder to manage. Would suggest to take a step back and find a therapist together with husband.

What if you decide polyamory is not for you and you want to close the relationship again? Does your husband want to give you time for that?
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This is actually a very usefup advice. Thank you for sharing it.
 
LaminarFlow said:
The problem is, OP was already unfaithful once, and then this whole mess. If husband doesn't want to deal with anyone poly and wants monogamy only, he deserves that though. OP can do transition on her own. Husband signed for monogamy, not this stuff.
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The important part is just sit down and talk. Talk like you never talked before and just be honest. That is all
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I tell you what I see. You have a diagnosis of BPD. The other man does not. You undeniably shared this hot night together and had a lustful connection. However, this man never declared feelings for you and had no issue cutting you off once it became obstructive to what is his real, significant life.

These are the things that lead me to conclude this was nothing like a reciprocated deep connection. It was a sexual connection that your BPD led you to see as more than it is. The other man reacted like most of us would have. Hot night but not going to lose my house over it.
.
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I totally thought Andrea was the OP. I was confused by this entire exchange.
 
Mod note: yep, I'm convinced it's AI. Andreea is banned.
 
I hope you feel a bit better for sharing your story.

I don’t know what to do from here. I am in mourning for our relationship. But at the same time, I’m excited about the prospect of forming new connections. And I just feel so guilty.
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Sounds normal to me. You are mourning the upcoming breakup, and at the same time, looking forward to living more authentically. That leads to complex layers of feelings. I know it's a mix of things that you mentioned -- guilt, shame, regret, heartbreak. It's good you can name your feelings as you move through them, so you can express them. I wonder if it is less "guilty" and more "regret" for some parts of it? It's ok to be sad. But you haven't done a crime. Neither has husband. You both just want different things that cannot go together.

I’m so worried I’m blowing up my family and I’m going to look back at my life and wish I could have just tucked this piece of myself away, but no matter how much I have tried to suppress it, it’s still there.
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"Change" is not "blowing up" the family. You are all still family. It's ok if it changes to a separated/divorced coparenting family. Families come in many shapes.

I think you might have to work on not suppressing anymore and being at peace with who you are and what you like.

With that, and the holidays coming up, my husband and I have agreed to keep the separation to ourselves until after Christmas. It is hard though, because it has been about six months since the realization that I might be poly, and I hate that I feel like I’m hiding a huge part of myself with the world.
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Why Christmas? Are you all trying to get through family events without sharing the separation news? It's ok to tell husband you have changed your mind and will not longer be keeping that agreement. Or modify it to not telling people at the family events, but starting to tell friends. Or keeping it quiet til Christmas with the relatives/existing friends, but at the same time, start to make new friends, or attend poly groups/divorce support groups, and introduce yourself as "polyamorous and separating." That way, one area of your life is not "in hiding," and you're also beginning to build possible support networks to get you through these upcoming changes.

Maybe you want to work with a poly counselor. YMMV, but in case you want to seek one, you could try here:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

I don’t really know what I wanted to gain out of this post. I think I just needed to get everything out there. Maybe see if anyone has had a similar experience and hoping it might help me find happiness. I’m so scared. Financially things will be very difficult for me going forward as I am a stay-at-home mom with little to no income from being an author. But staying with my husband for financial stability is not an option. It wouldn’t be fair to him and I would never do that. I have no idea what my future looks like. For someone that has wanted the nuclear family since she was twelve, it’s so confusing.
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All of this is NORMAL, also. You might read about people's separation/divorce stories. One of my friends is currently going through a divorce and doing this very thing -- changing from a SAHM to seeking employment and getting ready for her next chapter of life.

You had the nuclear family for a time. But even nuclear families change to empty nests over time. Changes can be challenging, but they are not insurmountable. I think you were wise to note that with the BPD/mood disorder, all these feelings right now are heightened. Do your best to navigate them without allowing them to consume you. Do you have a counselor to support you at this time?

I hate that I don’t know how to define myself. Am I poly? Poly curious? Do I want to date to find a different monogamous partner? I don’t think so, but I’m so unsure about everything. I just wanted to understand what this all is and I don’t want to look back wishing I had stayed.
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It's ok to take some time in this chapter figuring yourself out. You don't have to have everything figured out this minute. You might think about continuing to journal or even setting up your own thread in this section.

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LaminarFlow said:
Have you considered therapy before deciding to do a full separation? Does your husband want to have full monogamy with you? Because mono/poly couples do exist, they are just harder to manage. Would suggest to take a step back and find a therapist together with husband.

What if you decide polyamory is not for you and you want to close the relationship again? Does your husband want to give you time for that?
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We do actually have an appointment tomorrow with a couples therapist that is lifestyle friendly. We are honestly not sure what type of clarity they might provide. However, we have discussed mono/poly relationships in great detail, and I was hoping that it was something we could try and see if it worked for us before cutting things off. After much discussion, time apart, and other factors, he came to the conclusion that that is not a type of relationship he is comfortable with trying.

And, as someone who cares about him deeply, I understand that as much as it hurts, it is his prerogative to choose that for himself. He has been nothing but patient and supportive of me throughout our relationship, and throughout my journey being treated for BPD. BPD is not new to me. I am treated for it pretty much since the beginning of our relationship, and he has been there every step of the way.

I am very aware of my behavioural changes when it comes to somebody I have attached to as my favourite person. I also refused to invalidate my feelings towards other people do to that. It took me a while to understand that, even though the lust and other things can be primarily from BPD, it doesn’t make those emotions and feelings any less real, something that has been reinforced by my psychologist. I do also believe that I am self-aware and cognizant enough to know the difference between an infatuation and true feelings for another person. Since I have been dealing with favourite-person attachments for years, I do know the legitimate differences.

The confusion only stems from not knowing how much of it is my BPD, and how much of it is my true connection with somebody. But when discussing this with my psychologist, she clarified that they go hand-in-hand, and are not necessarily separate identities from one another. (This response is kind of a group response to previous comments.)

The night in question, in which I shared physical intimacy with the first man, was not the only interaction we had. We have known of each other and spent time in group settings multiple times before that moment. Keep in mind I spent a few hours a day, 4 to 5 days a week, with this person, getting to know him and his family and his kids. I knew what he was like when he was under stress, and how he ran his household. I saw the struggles that he dealt with in regards to his wife. I saw that I provided him with things that he did not receive in his other relationship.

Though he may never have stated word for word that he had feelings for me, like I previously stated, I know the feelings were there. This is not a BPD illusion, trying to make something up. And believe me, I had my moments where I thought that might be the case. But when I laid out all of the scenarios in front of me, I realized that was simply not true.

Do I think he was enjoying the time he spent with me because I was providing something that he wasn’t receiving on a regular basis? Yes. Did I worry that he might have been using me? Of course.
 
MidnightVirgo said:
Even though the lust and other things can be primarily from BPD, it doesn’t make those emotions and feelings any less real.
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Sure, but it's lust. A primal sexual attraction. A physical thing. You can't have emotional attachment and an emotionally intimate relationship with someone after one night.
MidnightVirgo said:
Even without BPD, it is not uncommon for people to develop feelings in days or even possibly hours. And to state that that is only a symptom of the BPD and that is not a thing for “regular people” is simply unfair, and frankly, incorrect.
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Let's be clear on what feelings we mean. Lustful feelings of attraction, sure. It gets more murky when we speak of other feelings of attachment and familiarity.
MidnightVirgo said:
Discounting someone’s feelings and experiences is just disrespectful.
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Hear the other side of this: part of the stigma around polyamory is that it's primarily made up of people with "issues." We're either predatory, vulnerable, emotionally unavailable or plain unstable. So when someone comes in and says that they're blowing up their whole world based on their feelings of lust and some vague belief that they are "poly," it plays into this idea that polyamorists are predominately fickle, reckless and all out destructive to themselves and others.

I find that disrespectful.
 
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