She didn't act directly on it after that one night. Spending time with someone over a whole summer can grow feelings, and not being lustful only.
I think the husband is leaving OP in this case (with right reasons).
But if you talk about the BPD issue, does it matter if it is mono or poly? It still stands that OP needs the therapy to navigate this, which she has been doing for 8 years already. She stated she can't pretend to be mono anymore. She's very clear and will be needing the therapy either way.
Probably, but the husband asked for divorce/separation before transition, not OP.
Again, OP didn't leave. Husband did.
I know two current mono/poly couples where the mono person is waiting for the poly person to figure what they truly want and could be for someone else, before jumping to a full exit. Perhaps husband is prematurely, but it is his right to not want to deal with any of the transition because he signed for monogamy.
Just wanted to hop in and clarify that, in no way, was this decision made by my husband. This was a decision we came to mutually via countless discussions and experiences together. At the time of the original post, we separated for all of two days before we struggled to come to the realization that it was actually over. We pushed through Christmas, not wanting to deal with explaining to our families what was going on.
Ultimately, we realized that no amount of time, therapy, BPD treatment, among other things, were going to change the simple fact that we are on opposite sides of the spectrum in regards to what we want out of a relationship. My husband did not leave me. Nor did I leave him. Unfortunately, it just comes down to a difference in what we both want out of life, and it’s incredibly sad and heartbreaking that it is not the same thing.
We love and care very deeply for each other, and are both trying to navigate the situation as best we can. The main focus has been and always will be our daughter. Currently, we are cohabitating and coparenting for the foreseeable future, until that situation no longer works for either or both of us.
Starting out this journey is not going to be easy. I don’t plan on jumping into anything right away. I have a very good understanding of myself when it comes to my mental health and I know that I need to work on those things first. However, I don’t think that working on yourself, and being in a relationship necessarily needs to be a completely separate experience. My relationship with my husband created a safe space for me to learn about myself and go through therapy. There is a very large difference between having a support system and becoming completely dependent on somebody else to function. I am a very independent, capable, headstrong woman. But I also know that I do feel a sense of safety when having a partner in my life.
Having a personality disorder that has a very common denominator with attachment issues does not mean that I am not self-aware. It does not mean that I can’t realize when certain attachments are not safe, or are based on things like lust. My mental health journey is not new. I have been seeing therapists since I was in elementary school. My confusion and curiosity within relationships and with wanting to be in relationships with multiple people has also been an ongoing thing, since I was very young.
Growing up in a society where monogamy is the most common relationship made me feel like I couldn’t express that I saw them differently. The reason why I don’t specifically label myself as polyamorous, or say that I am unsure, is because until I have lived that lifestyle or explored that part of myself, I won’t put a title on something I don’t fully understand. It doesn’t mean that I’m doing this for fun or because I am bored in my relationship, or what other people might infer from this decision.
I am just someone existing in this world and trying to figure out how to move forward in the best way possible so that my daughter, my husband and I can all be happy for the foreseeable future. Is it absolutely devastating that things are coming to an end after this long? Of course it is. But again, we made this decision together, and if things don’t progress in the way that we think they might, and we come back to each other in a few years time, with maybe a different perspective on stuff, then that would be amazing. But for now we understand that this is simply not something that we can agree on, and it’s not something that we are comfortable with compromising on and living with. So the decision has been made.
We will continue to love and care for each other, and coparent. What happens from here? Who knows?
