Separating because I think I’m Poly

[MidnightVirgo]

Sure, but it's lust. A primal sexual attraction. A physical thing. You can't have emotional attachment and an emotionally intimate relationship with someone after one night.

Let's be clear on what feelings we mean. Lustful feelings of attraction, sure. It gets more murky when we speak of other feelings of attachment and familiarity.

Hear the other side of this: part of the stigma around polyamory is that it's primarily made up of people with "issues." We're either predatory, vulnerable, emotionally unavailable or plain unstable. So when someone comes in and says that they're blowing up their whole world based on their feelings of lust and some vague belief that they are "poly," it plays into this idea that polyamorists are predominately fickle, reckless and all out destructive to themselves and others.

I find that disrespectful.

I think it best that you leave this thread and move onto something else. You’re being incredibly judgmental when you don’t know the first thing about me, my feelings, my life, and my relationships. You’re making assumptions about my character based on a few paragraphs that are barely glimpses into my overall experience. I suggest you direct your “help” elsewhere.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Before I go, I'll just ask for the remaining audience, where, in any of your posts, does it mention the reality of your partner(s) having other partners and your compatibility with that huge aspect of polyamory?

It's all about you and your feelings, and how you managed to make a mature decision to separate from your husband so you can pursue polyamory. But where is the bit where you talk extensively about how you will cope with having polyamorous partners?

 

[Evie]

I think it best that you leave this thread and move onto something else. You’re being incredibly judgemental when you don’t know the first thing about myself, my feelings, my life, and my relationships. You’re making assumptions about my character based on a few paragraphs that are barely glimpses into my overall experience. I suggest you direct your “help” elsewhere.

Mod note: just because you don't like it agree with a response does not mean that it is invalid. You do not have to interact with the responses. You can ignore a member. There is a button on a member's profile that enables this function.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Before I go, I'll just ask for the remaining audience, where, in any of your posts, does it mention about the reality of your partner(s) having other partners and your compaibility with that huge aspect of polyamory?

That is the whole point of this thread. She is still in transition if she is really poly. And she is finding out, while her husband is finding out at the same time he doesn't want poly for himself.

It's all about you and your feelings and how you managed to make a mature decision to separate from your husband so you can pursue polyamory... but where is the bit where you talk extensively about how you will cope with having polyamorous partners?

Of course it is about OP. She needs to do what is best for herself too, but is hoping she can do it with her husband by her side.

This is my simplified version from what I am reading from her words (BPD aside). And probably asking husband for more time and space to figure this part of herself out is the best solution before dissolving the marriage or continuing as a monogamous couple.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello MidnightVirgo,

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are really torn between a poly life, and a life with your husband. I would say go for a mono/poly arrangement, but it doesn't sound like your husband would want that. It does sound like you are poly at heart, you can't help that piece of you. That doesn't mean you couldn't stand to live a monogamous life, but it does mean that you would never be happy, and you would always be tempted to cheat. That wouldn't be fair to you or to your husband.

Your feelings here are certainly valid.
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi, Midnight. Welcome to the forum.

Together for 9 yrs, married for 6-- when in this journey were you diagnosed with BPD, and how does this affect attachments? What all has your husband had to deal with (outside of this) as a result of BPD?

Everyone has the right to blow up their marriage or life as they see fit. Sometimes the most drastic changes bring the most benefits. You could look back and think this was the best decision/move you ever made. Several of our forum members have been faced with similar situations and will testify that living their authentic poly self was the right decision. I think it’s very courageous.

 

[Inaniel]

Sure, but it's lust. A primal sexual attraction. A physical thing. You can't have emotional attachment and an emotionally intimate relationship with someone after one night.

Let's be clear on what feelings we mean. Lustful feelings of attraction, sure. It gets more murky when we speak of other feelings of attachment and familiarity.

Hear the other side of this: part of the stigma around polyamory is that it's primarily made up of people with "issues." We're either predatory, vulnerable, emotionally unavailable or plain unstable. So when someone comes in and says that they're blowing up their whole world based on their feelings of lust and some vague belief that they are "poly," it plays into this idea that polyamorists are predominately fickle, reckless and all out destructive to themselves and others.

I find that disrespectful.

If you have an unwilling spouse, I think it eventually comes down to a leap of faith.

I’m not placing any blame on the husband; in fact, I applaud him for having a backbone about this. We see so many people swallow this burden in an attempt to save the marriage, and it can be quite painful.

But when you build a monogamous world with someone, only to later realize you're poly, it tends to blow up that monogamous world in one way or another.

 

[MidnightVirgo]

Hi, Midnight. Welcome to the forum.

Together for 9 yrs, married for 6-- when in this journey were you diagnosed with BPD, and how does this affect attachments? What all has your husband had to deal with (outside of this) as a result of BPD?

Everyone has the right to blow up their marriage or life as they see fit. Sometimes the most drastic changes bring the most benefits. You could look back and think this was the best decision/move you ever made. Several of our forum members have been faced with similar situations and will testify that living their authentic poly self was the right decision. I think it’s very courageous.

Thank you for your kind words. My BPD journey started shortly after my husband and I got together and he has been on the mental health journey with me our entire relationship. I didn’t notice my attachments until recently, when I discovered different terminology to categorize them. Mostly my husband would see me putting too much unhealthy energy into people who honestly didn’t deserve it. He would just mention it and say hey, it’s becoming unhealthy for you.

I know he has struggled with our relationship and feeling validated that he is enough. But he’s a suffer in silence type, and that was a difficult thing to deal with, as well-- getting him to open up. But he has never been anything but patient and understanding, and I feel like I just pulled the rug out from under him. I should clarify that we had other issues, but I do feel like if I were monogamous that they are things we could have easily worked through. But we can’t simply ignore the fact that I am poly and he is not, and that he does not want a poly/mono relationship, and I don’t want to pretend to be mono and struggle to maintain the boundaries of our relationships when I inevitably grow feelings for other people.

 

[dingedheart]

I know he has struggled with our relationship and feeling validated that he is enough. But he’s a suffer in silence type, and that was a difficult thing to deal with, as well.

The simple truth is he isn’t enough. His stoic demeanor won’t serve him in any type of poly dynamic. Those feeling of “not being enough“ will only greatly increase dealing with the day-to-day practicalities or logistics, or you being with other romantic partners, if he were to choose to give poly/mono a try.

But we can’t simply ignore the fact that I am poly, and he is not, and that he does not want a poly/mono relationship, and I don’t want to pretend to be mono and struggle to maintain the boundaries of our relationships when I inevitably grow feelings for other people

100%. This can’t be ignored. It will only breed resentment, friction, and ultimately a slow painful death of the marriage. Speaking as someone who was on the mono side, there is zero personal benefit to being mono in that type of dynamic. It’s all about the loss of finite resources… time, energy, attention, money, none of which he’s had to really share in the last 9 yrs. Huge adjustment for most, and definitely during the NRE phase a source of resentment.

So... yeah. Good for both of you for identifying these fundamental differences and recognizing the long-term suffering one or the other will have to endure remaining together.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

She is still in transition if she is really poly.

She's spoken about lustful nights with strangers. Having a lustful night with a stranger and cheating on your partner is no indication that polyamory is right for you. It just means you're untrustworthy and easily swayed by a pretty face.

She needs to do what is best for herself too, but is hoping she can do it with her husband by her side.

She's hoping she will be supported in being able to act on her urges.

The main issue with anyone having BPD and doing poly is the abandonment issues, and the whole "favourite person" thing leads many to be incredibly toxic and abusive metas and partners. That's where the priority should lie. "Can I be a healthy partner and allow my partner to have independent relationships of their own?" not, "Can I fall in love with men I spend a night with?"

There's no "BPD aside." You can't push it aside and not consider it as a major factor in this whole situation.

 

[LaminarFlow]

She's spoken about lustful nights with strangers. Having a lustful night with a stranger and cheating on your partner is no indication that polyamory is right for you. It just means you're untrustworthy and easily swayed by a pretty face.

I think this was before her husband. She told the person immediately and it ended the same day. I don't think we can write OP off as fully untrustworthy. She made a mistake. We are allowed to make mistakes.

OP spent the whole summer with her husband and the couple, and then got ghosted (perhaps because the couple was new to ENM/poly as well?). It wasn't one night.

She's hoping she will be supported in being able to act on her urges.

If she is poly/ENM, you would want a partner that supported that, yes, whether that is urges or a full relationship. I'm reading she would be able to be open to both kind of structures.

The main issue with anyone having BPD and doing poly is the abandonment issues, and the whole "favourite person" thing leads many to be incredibly toxic and abusive metas and partners. That's where the priority should lie. "Can I be a healthy partner and allow my partner to have independent relationships of their own?" not "Can I fall in love with men I spend a night with?"

She mentioned she has been in therapy, and with the right treatment OP is able to have good and manageable relationships with BPD. You are right, she should be focusing on the ability of how to handle that right now, but husband doesn't want any poly at all, and he is free to choose monogamy, if OP wants to explore the poly path.

There's no "BPD aside." You can't push it aside and not consider it as a major factor in this whole situation.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

OP spent the whole summer with her husband and the couple, and then got ghosted (perhaps because the couple was new to ENM/poly as well?). It wasn't one night.

From what I read, they only ever had permission to soft swap that one night. It was meant to be platonic after that, but they'd steal moments where they acted to some degree on their lust for each other.

You are right, she should be focusing on how to handle that right now, but husband doesn't want any poly. He is free to choose monogamy that if OP wants to explore the poly path.

She's leaving him to pursue polyamory. She should be considering if she can be that healthy partner/meta for any poly person. Poly people don't usually seek out mono partners. If she is pursuing polyamory, she is also pursuing polyamorous partners, right?

If she would not pursue polyamory, would she still be incompatible with the husband who is leaving the relationship as he wants monogamy?

My answers to these two questions would be 1) yes and 2) probably not. So, if she hasn't even explored whether she can be a healthy partner/meta to poly people, is leaving your husband for a few lustful nights, as described by the OP, a wise decision?

 

[LaminarFlow]

From what I read, they only ever had permission to soft swap that one night. It was meant to be platonic after that, but they'd steal moments where they acted to some degree on their lust for each other.

She didn't act directly on it after that one night. Spending time with someone over a whole summer can grow feelings, and not being lustful only.

She's leaving him to pursue polyamory.

I think the husband is leaving OP in this case (with right reasons).

She should be considering if she can be that healthy partner/meta for any poly person. Poly people don't usually seek out mono partners. If she is pursuing polyamory, she is also pursuing polyamorous partners, right?

But we can’t simply ignore the fact that I am poly, and he is not, and that he does not want a poly/mono relationship, and I don’t want to pretend to be mono and struggle to maintain the boundaries of our relationships when I inevitably grow feelings for other people.

Right. But if you talk about the BPD issue, does it matter if it is mono or poly? It still stands that OP needs the therapy to navigate this, which she has been doing for 8 years already. She stated she can't pretend to be mono anymore. She's very clear and will be needing the therapy either way.

If she would not pursue polyamory, would she still be incompatible with the husband who is leaving the relationship as he wants monogamy?

Probably, but the husband asked for divorce/separation before transition, not OP.

My answers to these two questions would be 1) yes and 2) probably not. So, if she hasn't even explored whether she can be a healthy partner/meta to poly people, is leaving your husband for a few lustful nights as described by the OP a wise decision?

Again, OP didn't leave. Husband did.

I know two current mono/poly couples where the mono person is waiting for the poly person to figure what they truly want and could be for someone else, before jumping to a full exit. Perhaps husband is prematurely, but it is his right to not want to deal with any of the transition because he signed for monogamy.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

The other man and I would secretly hug and talk as though we were not married.

@LaminarFlow

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

She stated she can't pretend to be mono anymore.

Why are you sure it's pretence? As I've said, the only evidence that we have OP is poly is that she has crushes on guys. That's not even half of being poly. Most people are (better suited to being) monogamous.

Probably, but the husband asked for divorce/separation before transition, not OP.

I'm questioning the necessity of any transition based on the belief one is poly because of a night they shared with a guy.

Husband did.

Because his wife wants to pursue polyamory. I'm literally questioning the wisdom of her doing that based on a night with a guy in the context of BPD.

 

[dingedheart]

She hasn't acted directly on it after that one night. Spending time with someone over a whole summer can grow feelings, and not being lustful only.

By her own admission, her actions during the summer fit both her and her husband’s definition of an affair. Call it lustful, call it NRE, a breach of trust occurred. The cart got in front of the horse.

I think the husband is leaving OP in this case (with right reasons).

I think what SP is suggesting is the hard planting of the poly flag has forced the husband to leave. The exploratory committee really hasn't done its work.

Probably, but the husband asked for divorce/separation before transition, not OP.

Probably... or probably NOT? I thought that this dynamic change was the main issue, incompatibility.

I know two current mono/poly couples where the mono person is waiting for the poly person to figure what they truly want and could be for someone else, before jumping to a full exit. Perhaps husband is acting prematurely, but it is his right to not want to deal with any of the transition, because he signed up for monogamy.

I think that’s a style difference. It’s the same as people taking up to a year of extensive research before making a radical decision about the relationship structure.

 

[LaminarFlow]

By her own admission her actions during the summer fit both her and her husband’s definition of an affair. Call it lustful call it nre a breach of trust occurred the cart got in front of the horse.

I agree that OP needed way more reflection before expressing/acting on it.

Probably? ...or probably NOT. I thought that this dynamic change was the main issue incompatibility.

My entire life I have struggled with maintaining the line of monogamy in my relationships.

There have always been other people throughout my relationships that I had to hide feelings for.

I meant that even if she were not pursuing polyamory, she might still have felt problematic about monogamy, and the exploratory committee with husband wouldn't have mattered. This is not new.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

This is not new.

There types of feelings are also common in people with BPD. They "struggle" with monogamy, which usually means that they have a mix of low self esteem and low inhibitions, so form inappropriate and often harmful relationships based on these sporadic feelings. They don't struggle to understand why their partner(s) should be exclusive with them a lot of the time. They just struggle to maintain relationship agreements.

 

[LaminarFlow]

These types of feelings are also common in people with BPD. They "struggle" with monogamy, which usually means that they have a mix of low self esteem and low inhibitions, so form inappropriate and often harmful relationships based on these sporadic feelings.

I am treated for it pretty much since the beginning of our relationship, and he has been there every step of the way. I am very aware of my behavioural changes when it comes to somebody I have attached as my favourite person.

I do also believe that I am self-aware and cognizant enough to know the difference between an infatuation and true feelings for another person. Since I have been dealing with a favourite-person attachments for years, I do know the legitimate differences.

Where does it seem that OP has low-self esteem? In fact, OP sounds quite self-aware regarding her BPD behaviour, besides the mishap when she mistook her husband when he vowed about understanding and learning together. Talking and hugging with someone else can feel like infidelity as well when you are opening up and are with a new person.

They don't struggle to understand why their partner(s) should be exclusive with them a lot of the time. They just struggle to maintain relationship agreements.

The confusion only stems from not knowing how much of it is my BPD and how much of it is my true connection with somebody. But when discussing this with my psychologist, she clarified that they to go hand-in-hand, and are not necessarily separate identities from one another.

This part of BPD is more about discovering polyamory, rather than low-self esteem.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Where does it seem that OP has low-self esteem? In fact, OP sounds quite self-aware regarding her BPD behaviour, besides the mishap when she mistook her husband when he vowed about understanding and learning together. Talking and hugging with someone else can feel like infidelity as well when you are opening up and are with a new person.

I think you're glossing over the OP's words here. She acted as if she were not married to this man. And this is all based on one night, a night which the other person saw in context, but the OP is willing to blow up her life over.

Google BPD and cheating and you'll see that risky and inappropriate sexual relationships are pretty much a symptom of BPD and other mental illnesses. Nothing here that the OP describes counters that at all, in fact, it clearly reinforces that belief.

Yes, she is self aware enough to know the lingo and what people want to hear. The actions and beliefs speak otherwise. They don't point to someone who is being conscientious and considered in their approach. It speaks of someone chasing the dopamine hit that comes with a new relationship (healthy or not).

And yes, the psychologist said you can't separate the two identities, IMO, because the therapist is unlikely to be versed in poly, so believes their client's lack of emotional regulation is pretty much intrinsic to their desire for multiple relationships. They connect polyamory with their pathology.