Sex and V's

P

polypie

New member
So my hubby had his gf spend the night the other night. I'm his wife of 5 years, and SO for 8. We live together and unless he's at work, we're usually together. His new gf is just that. .new. he sees her maybe on the weekend.

When she visits, she's a visitor. .not polite to abandon her in a strange home to go pound it out with her host... *sigh* feeling frustrated. Wacky hormones have my libido sky high and I'm not sure how to deal with the fact that my hubby is going to have company at times for 1-3 nights that leave me unattended in that manner. . Especially because these are my weekends, too!

WI'll I just get used to this? This is my first V. I've literally NEVER been around ANYONE who prevented me from being intimate with my husband since I've met him. Ohhhh adjustments can be a pain =(
 
He is your partner too.. have sex with him if you desire. Her needs don't trump yours.
 
You need to advocate for your needs. It's your responsibility as much as having talks around safe sex and scheduling. It's fair to your partner(s) so that they can try to meet them or at least explain why they can't. If your need is physical intimacy with your husband on your weekend then he needs to know because unless you live in a bachelor there is more than one place to have private moments with someone. It can be totally scary and I think it's really easy to correlate having needs with neediness but at the end of the day you need to let him know.
 
It's ok that you're having feelings about this.

It's your home and suddenly parts of it off limits AND your main partner is also off limits AND in the next room "pounding it out" as you put it. That's kind of a lot to handle.

Given your other posts, it seems like you are not taking care of yourself and your needs.
 
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I have been in a polyamorous relationship (FF) for 7 years. In that time I've had many bfs. Many of them have spent overnights with me. What I do, as the hinge, is put the male OSO to bed, with sex if necessary (lol) and then often I get up after he is spent and asleep, and I go to my gf. I give her what she needs, cuddles, chat, a little TV watching together, sharing a drink or a snack, or... SEX! Early on in our relationship, she told me she sometimes gets turned on by knowing I've been having sex with the OSO, overhearing us, etc.

Of course, being who I am, I am almost always ready for sex, even if I've just had it. Having sex with both my partners within hours (or minutes) of each other, is no problem for me. (Now, 3 lovers in 24 hours is pushing it a little, especially if everyone wanted something super intense. But mostly that is just because I have a bad back.)

Now, I do that for my gf without being asked. I feel it's just the polite, caring thing to do. And it's fun for me too. None of my sleeping partners has ever complained that I left them asleep to tend to gf. They've all been poly themselves, or at least very poly friendly. And no one resents my gf. She's a peach and everyone likes her.

I hope you can negotiate something like this! You can read about it in my blog here. Bluebird also has a blog, about life with 2 husbands and a bf, all living together, so she's a bed hopper too.
 
Hi polypie,

It sounds like the problem is that your husband and his girlfriend were both at your house, and you wanted to have sex with him but felt you couldn't do that because she was around.

That's a difficult problem to solve. About the only fix I see is to ask your husband not to have his girlfriend over so often. But even if you do that, there's still a chance it could happen unless he stops having her over altogether.

But let's suppose it's not his girlfriend at your house. Suppose it's your mom, or a work acquaintance. You'd still have the same problem if "the mood" fell upon you while company was over. You could only prevent that by never allowing anyone into your home at all.

I guess what I'm saying is you can't completely solve this problem. You can only work on it a little bit.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I definitely uh, "make the rounds" at my house each night before going off to bed with my scheduled sleepover partner. It's my job as the hinge - and as a good partner - to not leave my guys feeling lonely and forgotten. However, it's their jobs to tell me they need sex or snuggles or a slap on the butt. If your husband doesn't know you are horny, then you need to communicate your wishes to him.

I don't just have designated sex times - I think all of my guys feel confident and secure enough to grab me anytime while in the house, regardless if my other partners are present. We might not be able to get freaky right then, but I can definitely let them know that their desires have been noted. :) Quickies can be great too. :)
 
Let's all remember that one person's needs are not another person's obligation.

That goes two ways. If your husband "needs" to have visitation time with his girlfriend, you're not obligated to give up your house for them to do it. Presumably she lives somewhere they can go, or they can get a hotel room.

But of course, the obvious consequence of my first statement is that you being horny doesn't obligate your husband to provide you with sex. Now, there's nothing at all wrong with you telling him you're horny and you'd appreciate if he could ...erm... "service" you before going to bed with her. If she's getting to snuggle with him all night, it shouldn't be a huge hardship for her to entertain herself for half an hour while her boyfriend gets it on with his wife. Just remember that you requesting sex doesn't obligate him to provide it. You could also get a boyfriend or fuck buddy to take care of you when she's around.

If she's coming over on the weekend, is it just at night or staying for 3 days straight? Can you and your husband have afternoon sex before she gets there?
 
SchrodingersCat said:
Let's all remember that one person's needs are not another person's obligation.

That goes two ways. If your husband "needs" to have visitation time with his girlfriend, you're not obligated to give up your house for them to do it. Presumably she lives somewhere they can go, or they can get a hotel room.

But of course, the obvious consequence of my first statement is that you being horny doesn't obligate your husband to provide you with sex. Now, there's nothing at all wrong with you telling him you're horny and you'd appreciate if he could ...erm... "service" you before going to bed with her. If she's getting to snuggle with him all night, it shouldn't be a huge hardship for her to entertain herself for half an hour while her boyfriend gets it on with his wife. Just remember that you requesting sex doesn't obligate him to provide it.
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No, her husband isn't "obligated," but as a good hinge, he does need to balance the needs, wants and desires of both of his partners. At all times, but especially if they are all in one house. See what I wrote above.

Of course, my method hinges on lack of jealousy on the part of both my partners. Some new metamours who are new to poly, I could see them getting all bent out of shape if the hinge showed any affection at all to his nesting partner in front of her! Much less taking a half hour before or after he shags her, to shag his wife/nesting partner. This all needs to be discussed and negotiated.

And... the visiting meta doesn't necessarily get to bed share all night. I've had guys over who didn't mind sleeping alone, for at least part of the night. So if I feel like sleeping (actually sleeping) with my gf, even if there's another guest, I have done so.

Also take into account, some men are only good for one orgasm themselves, in an X hour period. What if he came with his wife, and then was depleted when it was gf's turn? Couldn't cum, maybe couldn't even get fully hard. Horrors! Better to shag the newer gf first, and then give the nesting partner what they can a bit later. imo

You could also get a boyfriend or fuck buddy to take care of you when she's around.
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Nice try. Might work sometimes. But sometimes you don't want someone else, you want your main partner. And personally, my gf and I have rarely coordinated dates with OSOs. It's not always so easy!

If she's coming over on the weekend, is it just at night or staying for 3 days straight? Can you and your husband have afternoon sex before she gets there?
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I still think my and Bluebird's method is the best. lol
 
Haha! High fives all around. :)
 
Magdlyn said:
No, her husband isn't "obligated," but as a good hinge, he does need to balance the needs, wants and desires of both of his partners. At all times, but especially if they are all in one house. See what I wrote above.

Nice try. Might work sometimes. But sometimes you don't want someone else, you want your main partner. And personally, my gf and I have rarely coordinated dates with OSOs. It's not always so easy!
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Yeah I hear what you're saying. I just wanted to point out the difference between "skills involved in being a good hinge" vs "demands imposed upon the hinge." The first is a choice, the second is manipulation. I'm pretty big on personal choice.

I guess another way of looking at it is... your advice was spot on, if it was the hinge coming in here asking how he can satisfy both his wife and his girlfriend. But it's the wife coming in asking how she can get her husband to satisfy her. While she can certainly share your and bluebird's methods with her husband and request that he to do something similar, he may not be able or willing to do so. If he's not, for whatever reason, she would be better served by advice that gives her tools she can use herself to overcome the hardship she's experiencing, rather than fuel for her "He needs to bang me!" fire.

I'll also point out the obvious... you and bluebird are women, her husband is a man. There are certain...physical limitations...that affect a man's ability to make the rounds in one night, especially as he ages. It's entirely possible that he's not physically capable of getting the wife off and then still having enough mojo left to entertain the gf...
 
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We could have had this same sort of issue when Dude was dating Lotus and she would come over or we would visit her house, but we set the expectations early on that the "visiting" partner(s) were not "guests to be entertained" but had "temporary housemate" privileges.

Want to make yourself a drink? Find something to eat? Take a shower? Take a nap? Drag a partner off to the bedroom? Go right ahead. Me casa su casa.

JaneQ
(I also don't play "hostess" when the boys have platonic friends over. Your guest, your responsibility - I'll maybe try to remember to wear a shirt:p)
 
I get what schrodinger's saying. While bluebird's scenario seems pretty ideal :D having a male hinge does throw up some physical difficulties...maybe. I think the male who could continually service two or more women in a row longterm is a rare beast?

BUT, not all women need a full service every time, and there's presumably no limitations on his tongue and fingers and of course, a toy could be brought in to help overcome this.

As per, it seems to come down to frank and open communication!
 
2muchlove said:
I get what schrodinger's saying. While bluebird's scenario seems pretty ideal :D having a male hinge does throw up some physical difficulties...maybe. I think the male who could continually service two or more women in a row longterm is a rare beast?

BUT, not all women need a full service every time, and there's presumably no limitations on his tongue and fingers and of course, a toy could be brought in to help overcome this.
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Of course! Being half lesbian, intercourse isn't a given for me. And I've dated/loved several men with ED, and most of them were good at using other appendages than the obvious one, to pleasure me when their junk was out of whack.
As per, it seems to come down to frank and open communication!
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