Sexless Open/Poly Relationship

O

OttawaGuy

New member
Well it has now been just over 6 months since I last had sex with my primary partner. We have talked several times about it, she has mentioned she is stressed to have sex with me but goes into little to no detail. We live together and are buying things 50/50 like normal couples do and have even made plans well into the next two months and even several ideas for what we can do as a couple next year.

I am really at a loss, she doesn't want to talk about what stresses her and I know her well enough that when she is stressed about something she avoids it fully. I had pushed the topic three times and well she said 'our relationship is more than just sex', which is true ... but her continuing on with her other partners makes it difficult for me because I feel left out and unwanted ... I have asked her directly what she thought of me physically and everything, she stated she is attracted to me just stressed about the idea with sex. What would be a good approach to aid in this? Has anyone ever really come across something like this?
 
Hello OttawaGuy, Welcome! :)

Something similar happened to me. I was mono at the time and my husband had girlfriends/affairs. Although I was allowed to date I didn't. I had terrible self-image issue at the time.

I wasn't asking for sex but I did talked to him about intimacy. But he was stressed... He was too busy with his profession. That was understandable. But he had time for dates with others. He didn't have time for his own family.

It effected his daughters as well. They saw us drifting away.

In the end, I was tossed away politely. Actually I'm glad. My good years was wasted in that marriage, on him. I feel manipulated. But I'm glad it is over.

I hope your situation is different. May be it is work related. Keep on talking. Find out what else is going on in her life. Take a vacation together if it is possible. I think communication is the way to forward. :)
 
Hi, OttawaGuy

There could be any number of reasons your primary partner no longer wishes to have sex with you, or at all/with anyone, right now.

I can only speak to my own experiences with this issue, and to that end I'll say during the course of my lifetime, there have been a few periods in which I've not felt like engaging in sexual activity for an extended period of time with a partner, for one reason or another... these included:

- During a difficult pregnancy (due to fatigue, and various risk factors)
- When I was a new mother/suffering from post-natal depression
- While suffering from severe depression and anxiety, in general
- When angry with a partner because of having been seriously let down by that person, OR have been abused and/or cheated on. (i.e. In such cases, trust is gone and I didn't feel safe.)
- When I have fallen out of love with my partner - whether or not I am in love with someone else - and feel anxious and conflicted about sleeping with them.
- In the weeks immediately following an incident of group sex that I was persuaded to participate in, reluctantly. This last was fairly recent, though I'm moving past it now.

Of course in your case, the first THREE examples above probably don't apply, as you say your partner seems willing to have sex with her other partners.

I'm just guessing here, but I think some possible reasons for having an issue with ONE sexual partner in particular (i.e. you in this case) may involve issues of low self esteem regarding her own attractiveness in YOUR eyes (especially if you've made it obvious you think other people are more attractive or she is somehow lacking)... legitimate concerns she may hold regarding YOUR OWN health/sexual health and how that might affect HER... or a lowering or lack of trust in you, or attraction to you, for whatever reason (perhaps you've been fighting a lot, or she feels you've broken an agreement or let her down in some major way).

Communication is key here. If your partner insists on keeping you in the dark about her reasons (and you can't MAKE her divulge anything), you have a few options, albeit limited:

- You could suggest counselling either for her, solo, or couples counselling
- You could talk to a mutual family member, trusted friend, or another lover of hers (if she has one you've got a close relationship with) to see if they have any insight into her mindset or mental state, while remaining conscious of your partner's privacy.
- If nothing yields results, and the situation remains unchanged and unresolved, you can always walk away from the relationship if you are dreadfully unhappy. However, you may decide to transition your relationship into a non-sexual one, if you find you can meet your need for physical intimacy with another partner or partners.
 
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Hi OttawaGuy,

So, your partner is still having sex with her other partners? If so, have you asked her, why them and not you? and if you did, what was her answer?

Sounds like a frustrating situation.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Keep in mind that NRE can have a significant impact on a person's desire for sex. I think for many people, it's a modest difference, but for me and some people I know, it's quite dramatic - I go from being into it all the time to being able to go without for months even when I'm happy in the relationship. Perhaps these other partners are just newer, and your partner feels NRE with them, but not with you?

That said, sexual intimacy is important for a relationship, and I think both partners should make an effort to connect that way occasionally, even if they don't necessarily "feel like it" the way they did in the early days of the relationship.

As the other posters said, communication is key. Try to approach it with an open and curious mind, putting aside the frustration and hurt that you understandably are feeling right now.
 
I'm with Ravenscroft in the thinking " that's not poly"... Or not a poly direct issue

It's a hard point of direction for you...
Decide if you can do it without the sex with her while finding a better partner for that...
Or just be on your way!
Not enough info yet from you to really feel where it all really stems from.. So all these post are just a good attempt at relating with you.
Welcome to the Forum.
Hopefully your SO is ready to express the real reason or just be on your way it's best course for both.... Sex is a huge problem if you aren't getting it and it's part of the agreement.
It would be if I called you one of my partners!
 
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What would be a good approach to aid in this? Has anyone ever really come across something like this?
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Yes. My father arrived at the age of erectile disfunction, felt "less of a man" and him and my mother were fighting but not wanting to talk to anyone. All stressed out. All the time. They were being weird. Didn't want to talk about it or answer direct questions.

Eventually I guessed what it was. She was MORTIFIED. Then later she asked me what my spouse thought/said as a man because this was seriously affecting not only their sex life but getting along in general. It was making her nuts.

My spouse was baffled when I asked him his thoughts. "So my penis has issues because I'm older. I go see a doc to see if it is some andropause weird or what, and in the meanwhile my tongue and fingers still work. There's also toys. What's the big deal?" I agree with him. Over our life we had to adjust our sex style for lots of things -- pregnancy, surgeries, illness, and now perimenopause pains.

You may just have to take the bull by the horns. Some people are just not comfortable talking about sex straight up. Maybe googling lists like this help her communicate a bit more if she's willing to just circle what it is if she cannot talk out loud about it.

http://www.moodtreatmentcenter.com/maritalsurvey.pdf
https://www.poweroftwomarriage.com/info/sexless-marriage-help/

If she refuses to communicate? Just no effort at all? Well, she doesn't have to share sex with you. And she doesn't have to communicate with you.

But in those shoes? That's not satisfying back and forth relating to me. It's hitting a brick wall.

I would stop considering her a romantic partner. Because to ME, "romantic partner" has to include some kind of intimate touch -- hugging, kissing, outercourse, intercourse, whatever it is. It also has to include emotional and mental intimacy -- which I don't know how to do with zero communication. I am not a mind reader. I'm willing to adjust for whatever current condition. But I'm not going to call someone a lover who just isn't my lover any more.

We live together and are buying things 50/50 like normal couples do and have even made plans well into the next two months and even several ideas for what we can do as a couple next year.
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All that stuff? Can be done with a friend/roomie person. Which I might be happy to continue to do with her as her friend/roomie.

But I'm not going to call us "romantic partners" if we just are not any more.

Galagirl
 
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Ravenscroft said:
FWIW, I am not yet seeing where this is polyamory.
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OP has a partner who has other partners. They are posting on a poly forum in a thread they titled "Sexless Open/Poly Relationship". I fail to see how this is "not polyamory"? There was no suggestion that partners were not informed of other partners (i.e. cheating).

Just because a relationship problem is not DIRECTLY attributable to the polyamory aspect of a relationship doesn't mean it is "not a poly problem". Most of the (good) advise that is given in this forum is generalizable to many relationship structures. It is certainly a common enough topic here: "My SO has sex with her other partners, but not me - I feel bad."
 
Go see a couple's counselor.

When a person won't have sex with their partner for a good six months, and refuses to say why other than that the idea stresses her out, it doesn't matter if you're poly or not.

You must find out why. She has that responsibllity to you. No one MUST give their partner sex, after all, her body, her choice, but you need to find out why.

She sounds very conflict avoidant. That is bad enough in a mono relationship. In a poly or open relationship, it is death.

Tell her you insist on counseling or you're out. That might light a fire under her. She may just be using you for financial stability... ugh.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
I fail to see how this is "not polyamory"?
... Just because a relationship problem is not DIRECTLY attributable to the polyamory aspect of a relationship doesn't mean it is "not a poly problem".
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This is a dyad problem -- period. Claiming "it's poly because it happens in poly too!!" is kinda silly. :rolleyes:

As Magdlyn points out, it's fundamentally a problem best brought to a trained couples counselor, & quickly, rather than waiting for "poly" input.
JaneQSmythe said:
There was no suggestion that partners were not informed of other partners (i.e. cheating).
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I agree. How is this observation relevant?
 
There are very few problems that only poly people encounter. Most issues can be found in all types of relationships. The OP did bury the lead that ethical non-monogamy was happening (the wife's other partners) - I almost missed it myself. I am on board with keeping this forum poly/ethical non-monogamy focused. But as Marcus noted, we are not the Borg (definitely NOT ethical non-monogamy!) and even the largest of polycules is at its base, a bunch of dyads. There would be little to discuss if we didn't talk about dyad issues.
 
Right on opalescent.
 
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