Sharing Details of Relationships/Sex

Every relationship is different. I do suffer from jealousy, mostly due to insecurity issues. I sometimes find when my boyfriend, S, is sharing details about his time with his other girl, J, I can feel this jealousy and insecurity rising. At that point I like to ask for some reassurances, and that helps a lot. And ultimately, I like that S can share things with me. I feel worse if I think he's holding things back from me.

When it comes to the sex part, and their own private conversations, that is their thing. He will update me if they have a chat about where their relationship is. With the sex, we've agreed on safe sex practices and I trust he does that. I know how often they do it, but no other details. I personally wouldn't mind knowing more about what they get up to in the bedroom, but J prefers to keep that private, so I respect that is her decision.

I would say you should talk to your girlfriend about what you want to know; set up boundaries of what is comfortable for everyone involved. Also if you find hearing the details is actually hard for you, I would advise you not to be afraid to ask for reassurance, or to redefine what you want to know. You may need to take it step by step.
 
Personally, I like to know my metamours. I find that any assumptions I have are easily clarified and dismissed as something I fabricated in my head if I know my metamour, my partner talks about their life with my metamour and there is open communication. I don't need details, but an idea of feelings and the basic story line of their life is very useful to me in feeling comfortable in my world.
 
Even though I'm relatively new to a successful pol-fi thingie, I will say this, people change and get used to situations.

Eight months into things, T is much more comfortable in our arrangement now, so I feel a bit more comfortable telling him things about the time I spend with E. What goes on between the two guys is a little different. E will usually fill me in on their interactions if I ask. I think T is realizing two things-- I'm not going anywhere (I've fled many a relationship in the past), and I'm not "weirded out" by what he does with E.
 
My primary partner and I share with each other. Depending on our mood at the time of sharing, we may share more or less. We have a way of reading each other and knowing what kind of space the other one is in. His secondary partner likes to give him long blow jobs (which I don't particularly like to do), so I like him to share that with me. I'm like, that's awesome, baby. I'm glad for him!

I recently met a new guy. My primary partner was there (with a few female friends) on the first night we met. That was good, because the two guys like each other and actually know one another from childhood. Now, I have a date with the new guy on Thursday night, so when I share with my primary, he will have a frame of reference. He's comfortable with the guy. That's important to us.

I'm friends with his secondary on Facebook. We've met once. I'm open to meeting her again, or hanging out with the two of them, but don't feel like I have to pursue it or make it happen. Now, my new guy has a sexy and hot female "friend" and I will pursue getting to meet her! But I think I got off topic here!
 
Thank you everyone for your advice and stories. It is something I need to really think about, if I want to know about their sex or not. I need to think about my feelings if I really want to know and if I can really handle the truth.

The whole poly lifestyle is completely new to me. I and want to make it work because I love my girlfriend more than anything, but with my insecurities, it is difficult. Thanks, again.
 
I am told that almost all poly couples share the intimate details of their secondary relationships with their primaries. I am curious. Is this common in poly relationships? What is your experience?
 
Who told you that?? I suppose, in strict primary/secondary hierarchies, there could be an agreement that, "We share everything about our other relationships, in order to make sure nothing is threatening the primary relationship," but that would leave the secondaries with very little privacy and could be uncomfortable for everyone involved, at times!

My husband and my partner hear a LOT about my relationship with the other, the good and the bad, because they are my closest friends. They both know this and are okay with it. However, I do NOT discuss intimate details of one with the other. It's not their business, and would likely make them both very uncomfortable.

Many folks around here share even less across relationships. Honesty for the sake of sexual health is one thing, but beyond that there's a strong sense of respecting everyone's privacy and independence. Wanting to know ALL the details of another relationship is seen as nosy and intrusive, and perhaps as a sign of being insecure in one's own relationship(s).
 
It depends on the personal taste of all partners involved. If everyone is cool with it, or even likes it, go ahead. But if one isn't that into having the other(s) know what they like when, how and why, they should have a right to privacy.

In our case, we don't share details, mainly because Lin and I are uncomfortable with it. Sward wouldn't mind. Maybe he'd even like it, but he doesn't insist on something that is unpleasant for the rest of us.
 
I got the feeling that was the case. I've never been in a truly poly relationship before, but it seemed that sharing every intimate detail (literally every text message, chat, phone call and interaction is what my primary is asking me to divulge) would be a violation of the new relationship I was beginning. How can it be a relationship if there is nothing shared in confidence? To say that the potential secondary partner I'd been chatting with/beginning to see was uncomfortable with it is a vast understatement. After telling him that this was an expectation of my primary's, he asked me to delete all our previous communication and severed all ties with me-- and he was a friend before this, so it is a painful loss.

I have never expected this of my primary. I'd really rather not know. He tells me anyway. I feel like I'm eavesdropping at the door to someone else's life every time he does it. Honestly, I don't know what to do. I love my primary with all my heart. I don't want to lose him, but I feel cheated somehow, since I don't know anyone who would agree to a completely confidence-free relationship.
 
Everything with us is a two-way street - and we have agreed that there are certain details of our sex lives and personal communications that does NOT get shared, due to the preferences of all involved.

So add me to the "no" column, while you are counting the "almost-all"s ;)
 
I'm a sharing person. I hate secrets and want both to be told and tell my experiences. My wife does not share this belief. She is willing to talk about stuff that's not intimate, but she only tells me the minimum of anything of a sexual nature. It drives me bonkers, to be honest. But everyone has a right to privacy, and if that is what she wants, then I have to respect it.
 
When I had other relationships, I would tell the basics (we had sex, there was oral, etc.) but not the details (first we did it missionary; then switched to cowgirl; it was different than with you because of XYZ; it was kind of like when I'm with you because of ABC, etc.). I draw a line at facts, unless both partners have previously agreed that they don't mind or like details being shared.

The first guy I dated after deciding to follow a poly path LOVED to hear about my sexual encounters. Hubby and I started out swinging, and he enjoys hearing about my sexual encounters. Both of them were fine with me sharing whatever kind of information or stories with the other, so boyfriend got stories about hubby and me and whoever else we were with, hubby got stories about how the stories I told boyfriend got him all hot and bothered. All were happy, there was no discomfort. I was fine with that.

The second guy I was dating had some issues picturing me in bed with others, so all he knew was that I was having sex with hubby and one other guy at the time. He didn't want, need, or get details. Hubby and boyfriend did not get details about me with him, either. New guy and I didn't have intercourse, but there was some sexual contact, so sexual histories were shared between us.

It all depends on the relationship(s) and the people involved how much can and should be shared.
 
I'm the kind who likes both talking about things and hearing about things. However, when Seamus started seeing his girlfriend, for instance, and shared things with me, it was crucial that she was fine with that.

Similarly, I wouldn't want to share details about a partner to another without getting the okay from them.

I think your partner is being unrealistic. Some people care about their privacy, and don't want every detail shared behind their backs with someone who isn't part of the relationship. I agree that it will be hard to find someone who agrees to these terms. Even though I don't like to hide anything, if someone's partner demanded to know everything, I would probably be scared off by them, as it would sound to me like they are controlling, and I want freedom in my own relationships.
 
Both my partners are open books when it comes to sharing sexual details. I mean, I don't tell each one every detail about what I did with the other, but if we tried something extra adventurous and kinky, it's fun to share. And they both have terrific compersion. There is no jealousy.

However, I would never want to read any emails, or texts, or anything like that, that either one has with another lover or friend. Sometimes when I know Ginger and miss pixi have talked to each other (my lovers are friends), I will ask for a summary out of simple curiosity, ask like, "Did Ginger tell you about this thing he told me about?" but their friendship is their business!
 
I have a question that's kind of related, I thought I'd ask here rather than start another thread. I hope it's okay.

So, I like one of Seamus's coworkers. I realise I'm not going to date him, because of the coworker thing, but I do like him, and Seamus knows this. Sometimes I feel hurt when he doesn't tell me things that relate to T, his coworker. For instance, we meet and play games every so often. This week T was on vacation and wouldn't be making it. Seamus didn't tell me about that, and when I asked why, he said he's not his keeper. So now I don't know if I'm being unreasonable to be kept informed of stuff like this, or if he is being unsupportive, or something.

We did have a similar issue, when he didn't tell me things about himself (like if he was going to be late while I was waiting for him), so I figure it's just his personality. Maybe I should learn to get used to it?

Anyway, how much detail do you think should be expected from a partner about someone you like, if they're close to them and you aren't?
 
It's a possibility that since nothing will happen due to boundaries in place, giving you updates about T is of no significance to Seamus. He might consider it a complete non-factor.
 
Sharing Details of Relationships/Sex... Is this common in poly relationships?
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NO. Just the fact that there's a lover (for sex health hygiene) is enough. Extra loverly details are only if ok if all parties agree, because the OSO has feelings of their own about privacy. You do not just assume they are ok with kissing and telling. If they are, then yay -- everyone gets extra titillation. But that is a bonus, not a RIGHT.

I like Seamus's coworker. I realise I'm not going to date him, because of the coworker thing, but I do like him and Seamus knows. Sometimes I feel hurt when he doesn't tell me things that relate to this coworker.
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Seamus is not T's keeper, and is not obligated to "feed" your crush. If you feel hurt, that's just emotion. Let it blow through. Don't put your WANT to know news about your crush ahead of Seamus' NEED to have normal coworker life that's not weird. Don't put him in the middle of the weird.

We did have a similar issue when he didn't tell me things about himself (like if he was going to be late while I was waiting for him), so I figure it's just his personality. Maybe I should learn to get used to it?
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Those are poor manners. Seamus could work on that, especially if he has a cell phone. Does he? If so, it's rude not to call.

GG
 
GalaGirl said:
Seamus is not T's keeper and is not obligated to "feed" your crush. If you feel hurt, that's just emotion. Don't put your WANT to know news about your crush ahead of Seamus' NEED to have normal coworker life that's not weird. Don't put him in the middle of the weird.
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I'm not sure I understand what you mean. Seamus already knew that T was gone on vacation and wouldn't make it to the game. Telling me so (since we've been talking all day both yesterday and today) wasn't likely to make his "coworker life" any different. I'm not asking him to spy or learn things or anything. I just feel like he's hiding things from me.

As for feeding my crush, I actually feel like it's fed more when I have no news because then I obsess about him.

GalaGirl said:
These are poor manners. Seamus could work on that, especially if he has a cell phone. Does he? If so, it's rude not to call.
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He can't really call because I'm in another country right now, but we had a discussion about it and he's been much better about sending me emails about it now. This way I know if I should stay up and wait for him to get home and on Skype, or if he'll be a while and it's probably better to go to bed.
 
I guess I misunderstood. Was this a date planned with T to watch a game?

If T let Seamus know to pass the news on to the group that he wouldn't be coming, because he'd be on vacation, then yeah, Seamus ought to pass it on to the group.

But if there was no date planned, why does Seamus have to tell you all about T's random comings and goings? It's not like it was a planned date to hang out together. (That's what I thought it was.)

And yes, he should contact you in some form. (I thought he was local). If you're going to be late for an online Skype date, email asap to give the other party a heads-up. Don't leave you hanging and losing sleep. Totally. If this happens a lot, put the 20-30 minute kill time on it. It's like in college. If the professor does not show 20 minutes into the class, the students can walk without taking attendance hit points. The students expect some kind of explanation at the next class. No big. Things happen.
 
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No idea. But I do know that in our poly dynamic we have a rule that there is no sharing of personal information without the permission of the person we're sharing about, and the person we're sharing it with, too. I.e., I don't want technical details of the sexual intimacies between my husband and his girlfriend. Therefore, don't tell me.

And I don't want him sharing personal details about our sexual intimacies with her. Therefore, don't tell her.
 
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