She ended things, but I don't want it to be over

[astrosneddy]

After all the stress of the last few months of last year, my wife told me she was ending our marriage at the start of this year, three days in, to be precise.

I am heartbroken. I know I had so much uncertainty about how things were going, but I was so determined for things to work out. I believed entirely then, as I do now, that we can overcome whatever it was. But it turns out I was correct in that something was wrong and that she was pulling away and leaving me. Classic avoidant-attachment type pulling away and stonewalling really brought out the anxious attachment in me, despite the fact I have disorganised attachment. But it does not allow me to switch between them at will, so she triggered my worst style of attachment by becoming entirely unrecognisable to me as the person I love and care for.

I will try to get her back. I believe we will get divorced, though. I never really cared about being married, despite how much I enjoyed the title and let it become an identity. It was a mask, not the truth of us. So I can deal with that loss. But the loss of our connection, of my friend, my partner, I cannot handle.

They have not told me why, and are not comfortable discussing it. That is fine, as I understand it is their right. It is just not what I would expect of them, not as a way to treat someone you have spent 16 years with loving and caring for. That is not the point though, as much as I wish I understood it more, as I can speculate on all the ways I am/have been hard to live with, undiagnosed for the bulk of our time together.

I think, on some level, given the clearest thing I have gotten, is that the last 2 years have just been too much for them, that they have broken up with me because they can't break up with our child. As it is, being parents and having a child has been the reason behind all the issues of the last 2 years. This makes things more sad to me, as this hardship will pass over the next 2 years. And worse, it is a decision they made in a state of burn-out. All l advice I have read suggests you should not make life-changing decisions during exhaustion and burn-out.

If anyone has advice on reconciliation, I would love to hear it. It is really hard for me to go into polyamory with my best friend and partner, when they start that whole journey by leaving me. They have said it is nothing to do with polyamory, or my ADHD, but have only cited circumstances that honestly are related to those things. It is a significant point to make, embarking on a lifestyle where you can have multiple meaningful partners, and to end the most significant relationship you have during that process.

Imagine how rejected I feel. Worse still is that everything I tried to fix it only made it worse, to the point that I ended up saying the words that made her realise she was leaving me. I spent that night, and the following day, 90% certain she was breaking up with me. Then when I got home from work that day, and she said, "Can we talk tonight?" I knew it. She had been avoiding talking at every possible opportunity.

I am reading things about getting your ex back (let me be clear I want to do this legitimately because my ex wants to reconnect; I do not want to manipulate or trick them in anyway) but so much of it seems disingenuous. I don't know what parts to follow and what are not good ideas. I am an honest and upfront person. I follow my heart and I prefer to be direct rather than play games. Some of the advice won't work well cos we live together (separately) and co-parent daily still.

Thanks to all who have listened to me and advised me along this journey. This whole thing makes me so sad, as I used to have such a lovely fairytale view (but still based in reality) of our relationship and connection. All this makes it feel so plain and unpassionately human. Sometimes I see this in polyamory. The way people approach it seem to take away such romance and make it sound so medical. I don't want that, but I do want her back (not "back," but back in the way of forming something new, and healthier, which I thought we were going for with getting therapy and things which she is no longer interested in).

 

[Bobbi]

My advice given with care, kindness and respect. I know this is incredibly painful for you and I’m sorry you are going through this, but I’m a direct speaker and know I can come off harsh. Please don’t take it that way.

You cannot “get her back." If you truly want to have her in your life and maybe establish something new, you will have to let her go. Accept that the relationship you had and have is over. Grieve it as a total loss. Maybe months or years down the road, after you both have moved on, you can establish a new friendship and go from there.

I believed entirely then, as I do now, that we can overcome whatever it was.

You believe that, but apparently she doesn‘t, as she is leaving you. Remember, your feelings are yours alone. You can feel very differently about the same thing. Just because you still love her and think it can work doesn’t mean she feels that way.

All advice I have read suggests you should not make life-changing decisions during exhaustion and burn-out.

But sometimes things are so bad they just need one less thing on their plate, and the thought of ending a relationship feels like a weight has been lifted. Lifting it off can help recovery from that exhaustion and burnout. One less responsibility. Even if you remove all responsibility from her regarding the relationship, she may still feel it within her because of her own upbringing, trauma, self talk, etc. No amount of talking and working it out can replace that weight disappearing in an instant when she decided it’s over. I’m not saying this is her case, but it could be.

Imagine how rejected I feel

You would feel this way if monogamous, too. Loss and grief is hard.

Everything I tried to fix it only made it worse.

I can't speak for her, but this happens to me when I've decided it’s over and my ex-partner wants to keep trying. It's very frustrating not to be heard and forced to even have conversations that aren‘t moving forward with the separation.

I am reading things about getting your ex back.

This just sounds like manipulation to me. I'd stay away. Anything you learn from books/articles like that are sure to kill any chance, because you aren’t listening to HER and what she wants and needs. Being loving and compassionate, listening and honoring her wishes when she is hurting will go way further than any tip or trick.

So much of it seems disingenuous. I don't know what parts to follow and what is not a good idea.

That’s because it is, and she will see right through it. If she is willing to go to counseling with you, then I’d do that, but that's it beyond what I suggested above. You can separate and do counseling later. Give her what she needs and she will be more likely to work with you in the future.

 

[astrosneddy]

You cannot “get her back." If you truly want to have her in your life and maybe establish something new, you will have to let her go. Accept that the relationship you had and have is over. Grieve it as a total loss. Maybe months or years down the road, after you both have moved on, you can establish a new friendship and go from there.

I completely agree with this. In the context I used it, I do mean something new by "get her back," as I don't want what we had. I do believe we are capable of maintaining a trial life we used to have when we were united and a true team. I think we can get that "back," but in a new relationship.

I can't speak for her, but this happens to me when I've decided it’s over and my ex-partner wants to keep trying. It's very frustrating not to be heard and forced to even have conversations that aren‘t moving forward with the separation.

I haven't tried anything to fix this at present. I accept the marriage is over. I don't want to lose the connection we had as people. That's all I ever cared about, anyway. But I did try to fix it before it broke. Turns out I thought we both were trying to, but that's not true. She just hadn't admitted to herself how she felt, most likely due to her avoidant-attachment style.

This just sounds like manipulation to me. I'd stay away. Anything you learn from books/articles like that are sure to kill any chance, because you aren’t listening to HER and what she wants and needs. Being loving and compassionate, listening and honoring her wishes when she is hurting will go way further than any tip or trick.

I don't think it's manipulation in that sense, no more than having an interest in someone, and attempting to find out if that is or could be reciprocal is manipulation. There is manipulative advice out there, but I am only looking for healthy and solid advice. Essentially I believe I'll be letting her know my intentions and beliefs and then following what you're staying there. But I won't be doing anything to manipulate her, just trying to better myself and show her that I could still be in a valuable and meaningful relationship.

I want nothing more than what she wants for herself. It's delightful to see her finally become the person she wants to be. It is heartbreaking that to do so she has rejected me like this, as I've always been so encouraging of her breaking free from her self doubt and family trauma to become her authentic self.

My focus will be in doing the same myself, so that I can be free from the issues I brought into the relationship once it began to sour.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry to hear about the break-up.

You sound like you are grieving. I encourage you to talk to a counselor so you get some support through the stages of grief and through the divorce process. Talk to a lawyer so the split can be fair and as peaceful and possible, under the circumstances. Depending on the age of your child, consider family therapy for them.

You both may need to be "plain exes" for a while, and do only the minimum to maintain coparenting agreements. Later on, if you both desire it, you can change again to be "exes and friends."

It's okay to be sad right now.

My focus will be on doing the same myself, so that I can be free from the issues I brought into the relationship once it began to sour.

Good for you. Whatever happens with your soon-to-be-ex (STBX), do your own personal healing work so you can be better and carry fewer issues.

Take things one thing at a time during this grieving time. Take care of yourself and your kid.

Galagirl

 

[astrosneddy]

I'm sorry to hear about the break-up.

You sound like you are grieving. I encourage you to talk to a counselor so you get some support through the stages of grief and through the divorce process. Talk to a lawyer so the split can be fair and as peaceful and possible, under the circumstances. Depending on age of your child, consider family therapy for them.

So far we are co-parenting well. I'm finding cohabitating difficult because it's so familiar and different. But I think I'd find moving out more difficult. It's not what I want for our child, so I think I'll find a way to make it work.

You both may need to be "plain exes" for a while and do only the minimum to maintain coparenting agreements. Later on if both desire it, you can change again to be "exes and friends."

It's okay to be sad right now.

I'm so fed up with being sad. But I get it.

Good for you. Whatever happens with your STBX, do your own personal healing work so you can be better and carry less issues.

Stbx?

Take things one thing at a time during this grieving time. Take care of yourself and your kid.

Galagirl

I will do, thank you.

 

[Magdlyn]

STBX= soon to be ex.

 

[Bobbi]

I'm finding cohabitating difficult because it's so familiar and different

I went through this, as my ex and I still live together. It took longer to grieve because it was confusing to be exes and live together amicably. My grief came in stages, as did his, and I'm not talking about the typical stages. I mean, I’d grieve off and on, instead of moving through it at once over a couple weeks, as is normal for me. I usually don’t grieve long. I pass through death in less than a week or so. It took months with our relationship because we lived together.

Remember to be kind to yourself and give yourself and her the space to forge separate lives. We had to stop all of the typical day-to-day habits (figured this out slowly, too slowly) of sharing our day, spending time together watching TV and stuff. We finally got TVs for each bedroom (we were able to separate that way) and had our alone spaces. We finally stayed in it for a couple weeks (this was when I could finally work through it) and came out the other side as roommates and friends. (It may take longer for you if you process grief more slowly.)

We only shared when/if we would come back home if we went out for the evening, so worry wouldn’t get us. But other than that, we stayed separate. That helped.

You’ll need to coparent, but other than that, try to go out and live separate lives. The more you do it, the better time you’ll have moving on.

 

[TomSloan]

You should suggest marriage counseling. It’s never over until a judge signs a divorce decree.

 

[Magdlyn]

After all the stress of the last few months of last year, my wife told me she was ending our marriage at the start of this year, three days in, to be precise.

Hi. I wasn't able to completely follow your first two threads back last year, but I just caught up.

I am sorry you're going through such hard times. Others have given good feedback, but I wanted to address some things they didn't.

They have not told me why, and are not comfortable discussing it. That is fine, as I understand it is their right. It is just not what I would expect of them, not as a way to treat someone you have spent 16 years with loving and caring for. That is not the point though, as much as I wish I understood it more, as I can speculate on all the ways I am/have been hard to live with, undiagnosed for the bulk of our time together.

I think, on some level, given the clearest thing I have gotten, is that the last two years have just been too much for them, that they have broken up with me because they can't break up with our child. As it is, being parents and having a child has been the reason behind all the issues of the last two years. This makes things more sad to me, as this hardship will pass over the next two years.

I read in your prior thread that you wanted a child, but your wife didn't, and you told her you'd be willing to leave her to have a child with another person. Then she agreed to having a baby (for you...). Now you're saying that "this hardship will pass over the next two years"? You mean, your child, who is now two or three years old, will no longer be a "hardship" when they are four or five years old? Is that what you're saying?

And worse, it is a decision they made in a state of burn-out. All l advice I have read suggests you should not make life-changing decisions during exhaustion and burn-out.

Are you saying that your wife is burnt out from the child alone, or both the child and all the arguing you two have been doing around her dating polyamorously? Do you imagine that when your child turns four or five, that one stress will be magically gone, and somehow that would be a better time to rethink staying together? Have you told your wife this?

If anyone has advice on reconciliation, I would love to hear it. It is really hard for me to go into polyamory with my best friend and partner, when they start that whole journey by leaving me.

If she broke up with you, you are no longer going into polyamory as a team. Even rebuilding a friendship seems up in the air. You are not going to "reconcile."

Breaking up is breaking up.

Bobbi suggested finding ways to pull away for a few months, even if living together for the sake of the child seems best to you for now. So, your soon-to-be-ex-wife will be going and dating as she wishes. If she's just dating her new bf, and no one else, and has broken up with you, she won't even be poly-dating. She will just be mono-dating her bf. If she also chooses to date others, that will be none of your business. You'll be her ex, her coparent, and not yet her friend. Being friends immediately after a difficult breakup is impossible. You seem to be in denial that your old relationship is over, or wavering between fantasies of love, reconciliation, poly-coupledom, friendship, a fairytale, and possibly some other categories.

They have said it is nothing to do with polyamory, or my ADHD, but have only cited circumstances that honestly are related to those things. It is a significant point to make, embarking on a lifestyle where you can have multiple meaningful partners, and to end the most significant relationship you have during that process.

Some people use the "poly" word as code for "finding a new partner before I leave my old partner, so that I have security and a soft landing." That's what it's looking like from here.

By the way, is there a reason why you used a "they" pronoun for your wife in the title, and in some of this post, but then also used "she" from time to time? At first I thought "they" was meant in the traditional plural, referring to your wife and boyfriend, but now I am wondering if your wife uses both "they/them," and "she/her," and so you did here. Would you please clarify? I'm confused by that.

I used to have such a lovely fairytale view (but still based in reality) of our relationship and connection... I do want her back (not "back," but back in the way of forming something new, and healthier, which I thought we were going for with getting therapy and things which she is no longer interested in).

Man, you do have a hard time letting old resentments go.

Try to stop thinking of this in terms of "getting her back." You seem to be in the denial/bargaining stage of grief: "I want her back, but not 'back back.' I can do that somehow, but not with therapy, because she isn't interested in that, dammit."

The only way to relate to your now ex-wife (not yet legally ex, but she has told you she wants a divorce, and you are separating while cohabiting), is to hope for enough time to pass, and separateness to form, to be much more autonomous, all disentangled, and less invested in each other's emotions and love lives, to then become friends. You're not there yet.

Also, maybe you want to be friends, but she doesn't. It takes two to tango. I hope she doesn't let you guilt her into being more friendly than she really wants to be. You've admitted you're terrified to be without her, while she doesn't seem terrified at all to no longer be partnered with you. Can you respect her enough to finally give her the space she needs?

 

[astrosneddy]

You should suggest marriage counseling. It’s never over until a judge signs a divorce decree.

I would love that, but she isn't interested. The marriage is over, that is certain. I just don't want us to be. The marriage I get, it's patriarchal and too close to our religious families ties, and therefore, childhood trauma and things. But I want the relationship back. It was having trouble, absolutely. But it could heal, evolve into something healthy again, better and freer than we've ever had. I mean, she can have all the relationships she wants. I just wish she wanted me to be one of them.

 

[astrosneddy]

I went through this, as my ex and I still live together. It took longer to grieve because it was confusing to be exes and live together amicably. My grief came in stages, as did his, and I'm not talking about the typical stages. I mean, I’d grieve off and on, instead of moving through it at once over a couple weeks, as is normal for me. I usually don’t grieve long. I pass through death in less than a week or so. It took months with our relationship because we lived together.

Remember to be kind to yourself and give yourself and her the space to forge separate lives. We had to stop all of the typical day-to-day habits (figured this out slowly, too slowly) of sharing our day, spending time together watching TV and stuff. We finally got TVs for each bedroom (we were able to separate that way) and had our alone spaces. We finally stayed in it for a couple weeks (this was when I could finally work through it) and came out the other side as roommates and friends. (It may take longer for you if you process grief more slowly.)

I don't know if I want to be friends. I mean, I do, honestly. She's the best friend I've ever had. But my friendship is entirely saturated in the love I have for her. I don't think I can be friends alone, not without being in unrequited love for the rest of our lives, and I honestly don't think I have the energy for such a thing.

We only shared when/if we would come back home if we went out for the evening, so worry wouldn’t get us. But other than that, we stayed separate. That helped.

She's not good at sharing anything, her avoidant behaviour has bled into her ability to communicate. As exes, she's better at communicating than ever before, but it's still only surface-level things.

You’ll need to coparent, but other than that, try to go out and live separate lives. The more you do it, the better time you’ll have moving on.

That's the worst part, in my opinion. I love my daughter and I'll always show up. Her mother looks at me with love and affection every time I'm with her. But it's not love for me.

During the end, parenting was the only space where things felt secure. It's really tainted now. I feel like my parenting is so disingenuous and fake. I fully want my daughter experiencing that, but I don't see what else I can do.

 

[Jade]

That's the worst part, in my opinion. I love my daughter and I'll always show up. Her mother looks at me with love and affection every time in with her. But it's not love for me. During the end, parenting was the only space where things felt secure. It's really tainted now. I feel like my parenting is so disingenuous and fake. I fully want my daughter experiencing that, but I don't see what else I can do.

Maybe try not to decipher the mother’s face, but be neutral and respectful with her. Also, you can try to find ways to spend time with your child away from the mother, so that your parent-child relationship can develop more authentically.

 

[GalaGirl]

I would love that, but she isn't interested.

Since she is not up for couple counseling, will you be getting individual counseling for yourself instead?

That's the worst part, in my opinion. I love my daughter and I'll always show up. Her mother looks at me with love and affection every time I'm with her. But it's not love for me. During the end, parenting was the only space where things felt secure. It's really tainted now. I feel like my parenting is so disingenuous and fake. I fully want my daughter experiencing that, but I don't see what else I can do.

I don't understand this as written, with no names. I can't tell which "her" is wife and which "her" is daughter. Could you please bew willing to clarify? Correct me if I get it wrong, okay? Are you saying something like:

That's the worst part, in my opinion. I love my daughter, Sunshine. I'll always show up for her. But her mother, Apple, looks at me with love and affection every time I am with with Sunshine. But I know it's not (romantic) love for me. And during the end the the marriage, parenting was the only space where things still felt secure. Parenting is really tainted now for me. I feel like my parenting is so disingenuous and fake. It feels empty or like "going through the motions," because my romantic connection with Apple is ending. My idea of how our family life would go is also ending. I fully want my daughter experiencing me being present and there still being "family time" with all three of us there. But it hurts to be there like that -- all 3 together but not together like we used to be. But I don't see what else I can do.​

Do you mean something like that, or did I get it totally wrong?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi astrosneddy,

From what I have read of your story, it seems to me that your wife's decision to divorce/break up with you, is largely due to disagreements over how to conduct ENM/open/poly with each other. The two of you have not been able to resolve those differences, and as a result she is throwing up her hands, and giving up on the whole thing. She seems to want the freedom to live her life as she chooses, without having to wait on your consent. I think you see this problem as fixable, but I don't think she sees it as fixable. I don't know, she says this has nothing to do with polyamory, but I think it does in her subconscious.

I'm sorry this is happening.
Kevin T.

 

[astrosneddy]

I read in your prior thread that you wanted a child, but your wife didn't, and you told her you'd be willing to leave her to have a child with another person. Then she agreed to having a baby (for you...). Now you're saying that "this hardship will pass over the next two years"? You mean, your child, who is now two or three years old, will no longer be a "hardship" when they are four or five years old? Is that what you're saying?

I'm suggesting the difficulties of raising her now will be different in a couple of years. I'm not suggesting raising a kid will ever be simple, but that with school and developing independence, we will find ourselves less burnt out by it all.

Are you saying that your wife is burnt out from the child alone, or both the child and all the arguing you two have been doing around her dating polyamorously? Do you imagine that when your child turns four or five, that one stress will be magically gone, and somehow that would be a better time to rethink staying together? Have you told your wife this?

I'm not entirely sure, as she won't tell me much, but it's everything, more than it's one thing.

No, I don't think stress will magically disappear, but I'm aware of how different stages of a child's life carry different needs. Right now, as a 3 year old, she's very dependent. That will change as she grows. I'm well-enough versed in stress to know nothing magically happens with regards to it going. I have told her that I think things will be easier in time. We are still adjusting to a child who was an infant 2 years ago and is a toddler now, and who disagrees faster than we can keep up with. But that does slow down, and it's not far off from doing so.

If she broke up with you, you are no longer going into polyamory as a team. Even rebuilding a friendship seems up in the air. You are not going to "reconcile."

Breaking up is breaking up.

Yes, we're broken up. Maybe reconciliation is the wrong word. I'm taking about something new-- a new romantic relationship. I don't want to be just friends, or just parents.

Bobbi suggested finding ways to pull away for a few months, even if living together for the sake of the child seems best to you for now. So, your soon-to-be-ex-wife will be going and dating as she wishes. If she's just dating her new bf, and no one else, and has broken up with you, she won't even be poly-dating. She will just be mono-dating her bf.

She's poly-dating. We both are. That's not really my issue. It's never really been it. I'm for poly life. But I obviously incorrectly interpreted the advice I read about how communication and transparency were important parts of maintaining relationships in that space. Obviously there's some truth to it, but not what I took to mean communication and transparency.

If she also chooses to date others, that will be none of your business. You'll be her ex, her coparent, and not yet her friend. Being friends immediately after a difficult breakup is impossible. You seem to be in denial that your old relationship is over, or wavering between fantasies of love, reconciliation, poly-coupledom, friendship, a fairytale, and possibly some other categories.

I'm going through multiple emotions, and I'm coping pretty well. Yes, I flip between bargaining and forgetting/denial, but only because it makes no sense to me. Ending the marriage does, not ending us.

By the way, is there a reason why you used a "they" pronoun for your wife in the title, and in some of this post, but then also used "she" from time to time? At first I thought "they" was meant in the traditional plural, referring to your wife and boyfriend, but now I am wondering if your wife uses both "they/them," and "she/her," and so you did here. Would you please clarify? I'm confused by that.

Sorry, that's just me outcrossing using less-gendered terms. She/her.

Man, you do have a hard time letting old resentments go.

That's not how I see it. It's more a desire to understand history so I don't repeat it. I learned the concept growing up and it became super important to me because of ADHD and finding myself in the position of having gone overboard and not noticing how I ruined things for everyone, when only moments ago I thought we were all having fun. I have some things I resent happening, but I'm happy to forgive everything. I just want to understand what I'm forgiving.

Try to stop thinking of this in terms of "getting her back." You seem to be in the denial/bargaining stage of grief: "I want her back, but not 'back back.' I can do that somehow, but not with therapy, because she isn't interested in that, dammit."

I'm not sure I can stop thinking in terms of getting back together with her, when that's what I want. I'm working on letting her go in the most healthy way. I know the only chance I have of forming a new romantic relationship with her is by doing so.

The only way to relate to your now ex-wife (not yet legally ex, but she has told you she wants a divorce, and you are separating while cohabiting), is to hope for enough time to pass, and separateness to form, to be much more autonomous, all disentangled, and less invested in each other's emotions and love lives, to then become friends. You're not there yet.

I don't really understand entanglement like everyone else seems to. I know she's pretty fixated on it, too. I don't see us as entangled at all, but that's obviously because I'm happy to choose the things people must see as that. Besides our child, I see no real tangle that I wouldn't be willing to adjust, at any point and in any form of relationship.

Also, maybe you want to be friends, but she doesn't. It takes two to tango. I hope she doesn't let you guilt her into being more friendly than she really wants to be.

I'm not that kind of person. Friendship is what she's offered me. I'm actually coming to terms with the fact that I can't do that. I'm not a manipulator or a toxic person, though. I'm not perfect. I am in the process of unlearning badly-modelled behaviour. I would never want a relationship with anyone that doesn't want to be in one with me, of their own free will.

 

[astrosneddy]

Since she is not up for couple counseling, will you be getting individual counseling for yourself instead?

Absolutely. While I've taken a break from it financially, I've been in therapy for a while. I'm chasing therapists because the one I was with didn't seem to be able to help with things I was asking for help with.

I don't understand this as written, with no names. I can't tell which "her" is wife and which "her" is daughter. Could you please bew willing to clarify? Correct me if I get it wrong, okay? Are you saying something like:

That's the worst part, in my opinion. I love my daughter, Sunshine. I'll always show up for her. But her mother, Apple, looks at me with love and affection every time I am with with Sunshine. But I know it's not (romantic) love for me. And during the end the the marriage, parenting was the only space where things still felt secure. Parenting is really tainted now for me. I feel like my parenting is so disingenuous and fake. It feels empty or like "going through the motions," because my romantic connection with Apple is ending. My idea of how our family life would go is also ending. I fully want my daughter experiencing me being present and there still being "family time" with all three of us there. But it hurts to be there like that -- all 3 together but not together like we used to be. But I don't see what else I can do.​

Do you mean something like that?

You got that correct.

 

[astrosneddy]

I

Hi astrosneddy,

From what I have read of your story, it seems to me that your wife's decision to divorce/break up with you, is largely due to disagreements over how to conduct ENM/open/poly with each other. The two of you have not been able to resolve those differences, and as a result she is throwing up her hands, and giving up on the whole thing. She seems to want the freedom to live her life as she chooses, without having to wait on your consent. I think you see this problem as fixable, but I don't think she sees it as fixable. I don't know, she says this has nothing to do with polyamory, but I think it does in her subconscious.

I think it does too, along with my ADHD symptoms and the fact that the last two years have been hard. I honestly don't know, since she isn't interested in that conversation. But I appreciate your empathy on the matter.

 

[kdt26417]

No problem; sorry you're going through this.

 

[Bobbi]

I would never want a relationship with anyone that doesn't want to be in one with me, of their own free will

Then it’s time to let her go and move on. She has made it clear that’s what she wants. I know it’s not what you want but without her consent you have no ability to make your will a reality.

Being focused on getting what you want means you aren’t healing, grieving and moving forward. You are stuck and will be until you make the choice to accept that it’s over and grieve and move on.

You easily say you’ve accepted that it’s over, but YOU HAVEN’T. If you accepted it you wouldn’t be holding on to hope of creating a new fantasy relationship with her that she doesn’t want.

Love is a choice and a thought. That thought is what causes your feelings. You have to stop thinking that you’ll never stop loving her and start thinking that she is someone you once loved but no longer do. Choose to love her as your ex with a more familial type of love instead of as a lover or partner with romantic or passionate love. Unrequited love is a choice and a very unhealthy one at that. That type of love can lead to obsession and other harmful things like stalking.

change your thoughts and your feelings will follow. Work on separating yourself from her emotionally. She doesn’t want a relationship with you and you need to let her go completely, including your feelings for her.

 

[astrosneddy]

Then it’s time to let her go and move on. She has made it clear that’s what she wants. I know it’s not what you want but without her consent you have no ability to make your will a reality.

I'm working on that, but in many ways she hasn't been clear at all, even using qualifying statements like, "right now." as in, "All I can offer you is friendship right now," and things of that nature. But then I think that's what stress going to lessen the blow. I'm becoming pretty aware that "right now" is not the window of opportunity for the future as it sounds.

Being focused on getting what you want means you aren’t healing, grieving and moving forward. You are stuck and will be until you make the choice to accept that it’s over and grieve and move on.

I've been grieving the ridership for a while prior to this happening. But my grid has stalled certainly. I have to truth my focus to our child and my responsibilities. So I don't see it as stuck, but on hold. Most advice I get is to focus on me and what I want, which is difficult when what I want is a relationship.

You easily say you’ve accepted that it’s over, but YOU HAVEN’T. If you accepted it you wouldn’t be holding on to hope of creating a new fantasy relationship with her that she doesn’t want.

I've said I accept the marriage is over. I can't accept that we are. They aren't the same thing. I don't care about the title of husband. Divorce is awesome. I'm all for it. I'm not all for us no longer having love between us as we did.

Love is a choice and a thought. That thought is what causes your feelings. You have to stop thinking that you’ll never stop loving her and start thinking that she is someone you once loved but no longer do.

I don't believe love ends. It's transformative. It's also not a thought, it's energy, and energy doesn't die. I won't stop loving her. I'll only learn how to compartmentalize that feeling and put it away. It seems it isn't that way for you as you have stated your ability to move through grief is quite different.

Choose to love her as your ex with a more familial type of love, instead of as a lover or partner with romantic or passionate love. Unrequited love is a choice, and a very unhealthy one, at that. That type of love can lead to obsession and other harmful things, like stalking.

I think that's bad advice, well-intentioned as it is.

I know who I want to be in this, and my therapist's only decent advice on the matter is about behaving now in a way that future me could look been on and be proud of. That doesn't include disregarding the way I love someone who is important to me, more than important. But I also see you're possibly seeing this from the point of view that I'm likely to engage in destructive or mentally unhealthy processes, or that I'm potentially that kind of toxic male. But I'm not. I'm simply trying to figure out how I'm going to process this transition, and what I can do to legitimately end up with her again as I would like to. I'm not suggesting I can, not it's also not impossible. She and I have not played this long because we handled our relationship like everyone else. If there's an exception here, we're capable of it.

Change your thoughts and your feelings will follow. Work on separating yourself from her emotionally. She doesn’t want a relationship with you and you need to let her go completely, including your feelings for her.

Unfortunately, I'm a little way off that. I have endured constant compounding loss and negative experiences the last 2 years, that all require processing and grieving. I'm unlikely to comprehend how to do so when they keep stacking up. But I think your view is still helpful in that what I want to do is find a way to move on. But that won't involve "letting go" or "changing" my love for this person. When she decided she did want to have a child with me, I committed to always love and respect them and my family. So that's what I'll do. But it doesn't mean I'll stop it change how I feel.