She wants to be adored. poly/mono

Nowherefast

Nowherefast

New member
Hello my name is Darrin 44 hetero/m. I have been in a 20 year relationship with the mother of our 3 children. I just dropped the poly bomb and things are not going well. Telling her I have complete compersion made it worse. She always knew I had wandering eyes and struggled with my lack of jealousy. I have struggled with her trust and control issues. I know its natural to lose friends over the years as we start families and move away, but I feel that in order to keep from making her more jealous I have cut ties with most of my friends (all of my female friends) and become a serious loner. I had many friends before her. She drove some away on her own. My resolution this year was to try to fix this, so far it looks like I'm going backwards.

I have passed along to her relevent poly information but she is pretty certain that all of this is contrary to her mono beliefs.

I told her I have managed to stay faithful to her and would try to continue to do so but she needs someone who loves her completely, a soulmate who will worship the ground she walks on. As much as I love her I will never* give her that.*

Separation seems eminent to both of us.
 
Greetings Darrin,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It does sound like there is a fundamental incompatibility between you and your (wife?) partner. Sorry to hear that. I take it this is a problem that has been simmering for years.

If there's anything we can do on this forum to help, let us know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but it sounds like she has issues within herself that she should work on and solve before they wreck her marriage. That kind of deep insecurity and need to be 100% EVERYTHING for another person, is not the sign of a healthy self.

My ex felt that way, too.

And I had to defend a lot of my friendships, or lose them, over the years.

Some things that should be there in my opinion, but aren't...

She should be able to trust you that if you say you're not being sexual or inappropriate with a female friend, YOU'RE NOT. I don't sense that is the case, whether because you have shown her otherwise, or because of her insecurity, or both...she is suspicious and does not trust you to have female friends. That's a problem. Maybe she is the sort who does not believe that men and women CAN just be friends. That is not kind or respectful, in my opinion. People have self control. People are not mindless animals driven purely by instinct, and bound to leap on a member of the opposite sex and hump them uncontrollably. And I don't think it's reasonable for anyone to demand of anyone else that they be their entire world, and they give no attention to anyone else. Sounds like narcissist or sociopath behavior, almost, though a.) I don't have enough info to say, and b.) I'm no expert anyhow.

Now have you been entirely respectful to HER, with your whole "wandering eye" thing? I'm not sure. That's another matter entirely.

While jealousy is not abnormal and it's common and people can work through it and all, I don't think it's good or healthy for any relationship to be based on jealousy, and it is certainly not proof of your love for someone. Part of being loving, is being respectful, which means not treating your partner like a possession (not even your most prized one) nor clinging to them in mortal terror that someone else will steal them away at any moment.

I really hope you two can work this out.

I would not suggest that you attempt any outside relationships until you have found a resolution one way or another, with your wife.

Good luck!
 
I am sorry you are struggling. :(

Separation seems eminent to both of us.
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If separation seems on the brink of happening? Could let the poly stuff go for now. Could change the conversation to focus on a good parting and becoming good exes and coparents instead.

You can pursue poly at a later time with people who wish to poly.

She always knew I had wandering eyes and struggled with my lack of jealousy.
Click to expand...

What does this mean? Could you be willing to clarify?

I have struggled with her trust and control issues.
Click to expand...

in order to keep from making her more jealous I have cut ties with most of my friends (all of my female friends) and become a serious loner.
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Sounds like you have cut ties with people to please her only to find she's not pleased and you feel isolated.

If you are no longer willing to be a loner and she's not willing/able to work on her trust and control issues? Then you two are at an impasse and do not seem compatible.

I'm so sorry. :(

Galagirl
 
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