Kittykatz2020
New member
Hi everyone,
I'm still struggling with finding balance in my desire to have open honest sexual encounters in my relationship ...and I can see all of the underlying issues and wonder what to do?
First of our shaky foundation based on lack of trust & communication issues is a main issue ...possibly distorted truths and likely hidden agendas from either my partner or the friends he has been chatting with another issue
where we are...
I asked for a break from meeting & or recruiting new friends from online & asked we work on the issues that are causing our rlship to be unstable. My suggestion ..seeking counselling for us as a cpl to address issues around both of our unhealthy coping issues with stress and miscommunications and to find some help with addressing dishonesty and fear in our relationship.
Secondly ..a pause to work on a legal contract to protect my share of equity and assets we have together from our LTR..ie house which is only in his name due to my credit issues .
When we last had a fight (over issues stemming from opening our relationship to others.)
Issue : not honoring our #1 agreement going in about keeping & sharing (full disclosure of texts & conversations) to ensure the trust issues we already have were not perpetuated with having new "friends" and that until we both had to keep and offer to share or view each other's texts (which he often did without even asking for my ohone. Ie..picking is up & reading my texts whenever he felt like it) but this was the core agreement and we were to then try and set guidelines mivinf forward as we never did this before -formallyn13yr monogemous).. so agreement was we would share and keep all communications with op and any plans or potential interactions would first be discussed with each other to gain permission for the date and which type of encounter so we could discuss & then plan...but full inclusion of planning process.
I asked him to share his texts as I do as well.. but then a few weeks ago I could see he was acting like he was hiding shit...and it turns out he was and when I confronted him he had been deleting all his texts. I asked why and explained as we have trust issues this was very important for us establishing an open honest communication with other people ..but his response was...my chats are private & I
didn't feel like sharing my opinions and thoughts with you as I don't always agree...and these other ppl listen to me they get me.. they agree...etc etc (anyhow another long story in that).
If course we ended up having a fight which lead to him walking out on me saying it was over...again .
Which is how he typically manages fights (As he has Asperger's and sometimes (especially recently) he has been walking out alot .and two weeks ago it really felt over...
So we made up as usual and said let's just chat with our friends online for niw. No recruiting or plans for dates or encounters...and then let's discuss in Jan after we at least get some legal support & counselling...
Well on Xmas Eve he tells me he has a day off next weekend Jan 3 ( usually he works Sundays) and he talked with his lady friend and they scheduled a date to have sex as long as I was ok with it...
Hello another fight...worse xmas ever so far...
And
Of course I'm not ok with it as we haven't even worked on our own issues..and now he's acting pissed.. then depressed and wounded because now I'm telling him he can't do something that he wants to do and he doesn't understand why because we said January...then agreeing that this will never work out because it's too difficult and we should just stop being friends with everyone completely.. to then again later last night back to almost begging ..just let me please this time..and next time we will do as u want...discuss it with you first before I make plans.. include you in the decision. Care that what you need is also important to me (which clearly mine needs to not seem to be honored at all here).Please just this time Id like to just do it as who knows when I'll get a weekend off again.....
argggg..
So for me..he's again not following some basic guidelines we talked about till blue in face ( like let's discuss any possible dates with other ppl once we secure these other issues) and instead is not respecting how my real life concerns and risks( of losing my assets..him walking away again.. and also the just regular issues with our relationship not being secure and the lives and deceit that come with that from him).
So many things. And of course the big issue and problem with why things are challenging is because the only rule we had which is why we had such a problem before Christmas is that things need to be open and honest and discussed with me in advance such as scheduling meets with ppl...but as if right now..it till a c days ago ..the plan was let's wait till Jan ..discuss reevaluate and decide how to move forward or to decide not to...
I think I'm fighting a losing battle .any insight will be great. I think pulling the plugs permanently is the only solution sadly.
I'm still struggling with finding balance in my desire to have open honest sexual encounters in my relationship ...and I can see all of the underlying issues and wonder what to do?
First of our shaky foundation based on lack of trust & communication issues is a main issue ...possibly distorted truths and likely hidden agendas from either my partner or the friends he has been chatting with another issue
where we are...
I asked for a break from meeting & or recruiting new friends from online & asked we work on the issues that are causing our rlship to be unstable. My suggestion ..seeking counselling for us as a cpl to address issues around both of our unhealthy coping issues with stress and miscommunications and to find some help with addressing dishonesty and fear in our relationship.
Secondly ..a pause to work on a legal contract to protect my share of equity and assets we have together from our LTR..ie house which is only in his name due to my credit issues .
When we last had a fight (over issues stemming from opening our relationship to others.)
Issue : not honoring our #1 agreement going in about keeping & sharing (full disclosure of texts & conversations) to ensure the trust issues we already have were not perpetuated with having new "friends" and that until we both had to keep and offer to share or view each other's texts (which he often did without even asking for my ohone. Ie..picking is up & reading my texts whenever he felt like it) but this was the core agreement and we were to then try and set guidelines mivinf forward as we never did this before -formallyn13yr monogemous).. so agreement was we would share and keep all communications with op and any plans or potential interactions would first be discussed with each other to gain permission for the date and which type of encounter so we could discuss & then plan...but full inclusion of planning process.
I asked him to share his texts as I do as well.. but then a few weeks ago I could see he was acting like he was hiding shit...and it turns out he was and when I confronted him he had been deleting all his texts. I asked why and explained as we have trust issues this was very important for us establishing an open honest communication with other people ..but his response was...my chats are private & I
didn't feel like sharing my opinions and thoughts with you as I don't always agree...and these other ppl listen to me they get me.. they agree...etc etc (anyhow another long story in that).
If course we ended up having a fight which lead to him walking out on me saying it was over...again .
Which is how he typically manages fights (As he has Asperger's and sometimes (especially recently) he has been walking out alot .and two weeks ago it really felt over...
So we made up as usual and said let's just chat with our friends online for niw. No recruiting or plans for dates or encounters...and then let's discuss in Jan after we at least get some legal support & counselling...
Well on Xmas Eve he tells me he has a day off next weekend Jan 3 ( usually he works Sundays) and he talked with his lady friend and they scheduled a date to have sex as long as I was ok with it...
Hello another fight...worse xmas ever so far...
And
Of course I'm not ok with it as we haven't even worked on our own issues..and now he's acting pissed.. then depressed and wounded because now I'm telling him he can't do something that he wants to do and he doesn't understand why because we said January...then agreeing that this will never work out because it's too difficult and we should just stop being friends with everyone completely.. to then again later last night back to almost begging ..just let me please this time..and next time we will do as u want...discuss it with you first before I make plans.. include you in the decision. Care that what you need is also important to me (which clearly mine needs to not seem to be honored at all here).Please just this time Id like to just do it as who knows when I'll get a weekend off again.....
argggg..
So for me..he's again not following some basic guidelines we talked about till blue in face ( like let's discuss any possible dates with other ppl once we secure these other issues) and instead is not respecting how my real life concerns and risks( of losing my assets..him walking away again.. and also the just regular issues with our relationship not being secure and the lives and deceit that come with that from him).
So many things. And of course the big issue and problem with why things are challenging is because the only rule we had which is why we had such a problem before Christmas is that things need to be open and honest and discussed with me in advance such as scheduling meets with ppl...but as if right now..it till a c days ago ..the plan was let's wait till Jan ..discuss reevaluate and decide how to move forward or to decide not to...
I think I'm fighting a losing battle .any insight will be great. I think pulling the plugs permanently is the only solution sadly.