Should they stay or should they go now

Kk so like..poly question

Let's say last week was real rough between you primary partner, and at the beginning of the week we both discussed and agreed to no sleepovers this week. Give us a sec to readjust and recommit to one another.
Then Wednesday comes round and one em wants to go stay with their other partner.

What are your thoughts? Cool? Not cool? Why?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Kk, so like, a poly question:
I'm going to edit a bit because I am having trouble with the clarity of your wording. Tell me if I got it right.
Last week was real rough for my primary partner and me. At the beginning of this week, we had a discussion and agreed to have no sleepovers with others this week, in order to give us a second to readjust and recommit to one another.

Then Wednesday came around and one of us wanted to go stay with their other partner.

What are your thoughts? Cool? Not cool? Why?
That sounds like a breaking of an agreement. Negotiation is always a good thing. But it sounds like your priorities do not match.
 

SlowPoly

Active member
I disagree. if they just went and stayed overnight without discussing it, that would seem like breaking the agreement. Or if the agreement were "we won't even discuss sleepovers for a week." (And this is all assuming there wasn't a miscommunication in forming the original agreement.)

In the presented case, it sounds like one partner was interested in renegotiating the agreement. Unless there was badgering or cajoling involved, this would be totally fine with me. Especially if the existing agreement were acknowledged, and if relevant new info were presented.

Partner: [I know we said no sleepovers for a week, but] I would like to renegotiate our agreement on no sleepovers for a week [for these reasons] -- are you willing to discuss that right now?

Me: I'm willing to discuss for a few minutes, but I prefer that we keep the agreement the same, [for the reasons we made it].

OR

Me: I'm willing to talk about this. I feel like we've gotten to a better place already and if you think so, too ... (etc)

After brief discussion, I would expect the agreement to stand unless "Me" agreed to repeal the "no sleepovers this week" agreement. And I would expect neither partner to harbor ill will for the renegotiated agreement. I mean. It's a week.
 

SlowPoly

Active member
I should add that one of my partners would probably agree with Mags. They like for agreements to be set in stone. I know this about them and am not likely to poke at that preference over a week of at-home nights, without extenuating circumstances. But for me? I have no problem with a request to revisit any agreement.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
I should add that one of my partners would probably agree with Mags. They like for agreements to be set in stone. I know this about them and am not likely to poke at that preference over a week of at-home nights, without extenuating circumstances. But for me? I have no problem with a request to revisit any agreement.
Because of the nature of the original posters question and the fact they joined yesterday im going to assume they or at least the posters is very new at poly. THAT SAID I think you’re forgetting how fragile things can be in the early stages of transition when your spouse or primary is jacked up on NRE. IMO it crucial/critical that these agreement aren’t blown off or mid week being renegotiated because the short term win and pattern of pushing until resistance and then stop let you recover for a day or 2 and then push again is more of a tactic and manipulation. And I think we see that a lot with people under the spell of NRE. And it has a real damaging effect. Then when people wake up they womder how the hell you got so far from where you started And it’s too late.

id say it’s a bad sign if they can’t hold to the agreement with the intent and logic of purpose it had in mind. You might want to read up on poly Hell because it could be coming your way If hasn’t already.

Bottomline is someone is feeling overwhelmed and asked for a break and you believe in the sincerity of the request and agree to it I think you only shoot yourself and the relationship in the foot by then trying to blow it off a day or 2 later. And I doubt there any normal circumstances that would convince me otherwise.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
If it had been me? I'm not in the habit of making agreements/promises I cannot deliver on. So if I made the promise, I'd just wait. I already waited to Wed. What's the big deal waiting til the week is up? Just a matter of days.

Taking a step back... if I have problems with Partner A, why is this even the promise that I made? To promise not to see partner B this week?

Was there something Partner A needs? Could do the need inventory to hep articulate what it is. If what Partner A needs is more quality time together with me to foster a need for closeness or connection, why don't I just promise Partner A that then?

Why drag Partner B stuff into it? Why am I connecting Partner A stuff to things I do/do not do with Partner B?

Cuz I could promise partner A not to see Partner B for sleepovers. Then I choose to go shopping, bowling, meet B for just coffee, hang with my friends, whatever. I'm meeting the agreement, right? Not having sleepovers with B.

But then Partner A STILL isn't getting any quality time or connection with me are they?

I think people make agreements in funky ways sometimes rather than getting directly to the heart of the matter.

And DingedHeart makes a point -- is this in the context of a new polyship with NRE at play? If so... who is making the promise and then wanting to renegotiate? The NRE person?

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Kabukithegreat35,

If your primary partner agreed to no sleepovers this week, then that's the course of action they should adhere to. Wanting to go stay with their other partner on Wednesday is not cool. They gave you their word.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I should add that one of my partners would probably agree with Mags. They like for agreements to be set in stone. I know this about them and am not likely to poke at that preference over a week of at-home nights, without extenuating circumstances. But for me? I have no problem with a request to revisit any agreement.
There is no need to put words in my mouth. I don't think every agreement should be set in stone. I was thinking of this specific situation. Hard week prior, a need to reconnect. Maybe it had been a hard month, or maybe, on the other end, they already did "enough" reconnecting and the OSO had an acute need. I don't know.
 

SlowPoly

Active member
There is no need to put words in my mouth. I don't think every agreement should be set in stone. I was thinking of this specific situation. Hard week prior, a need to reconnect. Maybe it had been a hard month, or maybe, on the other end, they already did "enough" reconnecting and the OSO had an acute need. I don't know.
Apologies, Magdlyn. I was elaborating on my partner's preferences, not trying to generalize yours.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
What are your thoughts? Cool? Not cool? Why?

People's minds change, situations change, and it's healthy to discuss it.

I personally would be glad that my partner presumed I am a healthy enough adult to have a discussion about a previous agreement. For me, my job is now to be an adult and live up to the compliment they just paid me. We shouldn't run away from open and honest discussion, and we should always respond gracefully to bad news to the degree possible. If we can't respond to bad news with grace and respect, we need to work on that.

If I still felt the same way that I didn't want them to go have a spend over than I'd say it. If I was on board with them and decided to change my tune then I'd tell them that.
 
If it had been me? I'm not in the habit of making agreements/promises I cannot deliver on. So if I made the promise, I'd just wait. I already waited to Wed. What's the big deal waiting til the week is up? Just a matter of days.

Taking a step back... if I have problems with Partner A, why is this even the promise that I made? To promise not to see partner B this week?

Was there something Partner A needs? Could do the need inventory to hep articulate what it is. If what Partner A needs is more quality time together with me to foster a need for closeness or connection, why don't I just promise Partner A that then?

Why drag Partner B stuff into it? Why am I connecting Partner A stuff to things I do/do not do with Partner B?

Cuz I could promise partner A not to see Partner B for sleepovers. Then I choose to go shopping, bowling, meet B for just coffee, hang with my friends, whatever. I'm meeting the agreement, right? Not having sleepovers with B.

But then Partner A STILL isn't getting any quality time or connection with me are they?

I think people make agreements in funky ways sometimes rather than getting directly to the heart of the matter.

And DingedHeart makes a point -- is this in the context of a new polyship with NRE at play? If so... who is making the promise and then wanting to renegotiate? The NRE person?

Galagirl
Partner A&B. Yes we rather new 5mnths.
PartnerB requesting to sleepover has recently gotten closer to their first non FWB. (PartnerC)
No known issues with PartnerC being seen just requested for no sleep overs.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
I'd never agree to not have a sleepover with someone else because things were "real rough" in that relationship. If I did agree, I can see why I might later regret the agreement with the removal of the pressure I would have had to be under to do such a thing

Because I don't want to be the source of discomfort for my partner, I might have the instinct to cancel or delay plans with someone else in order to prevent said discomfort. However, for me that is fertile ground for resentment because what I'm really thinking is "sure, I'll stop living my life because you're having a tiff, or you just can't be bothered to be an adult". I've done it before and it only serves to make things more tense.

I'm at a point in my life where I really try to watch my "don't rock the boat" instinct, and instead lean into "rock the boat, if someone can't handle it then maybe they need to work on that". Sacrificing my own needs and desires to coddle someone who isn't behaving like a fully grown adult is only going to serve to erode my respect for them. So if valuing the relationship is what I'm trying to do, I need to live my life and let them work on their own shit.

I'm better at it some days than others, but it's my guidepost and I think a much more constructive way to deal with other fully grown adults.
 

Millhuas

Member
Discussing is fine and important. But if two people agree to reformat their relationship, even if only for a week, then both must have consent before reformatting again for the sake of mental and sexual health.

That being said I want to leave you with this. Polyamory doesn't have to be a window you both open and close. Think of your relationships as a house with many rooms. You can stay in the mono room, you can stay in the poly room, or any other that's there. And so can you partner. We all have keys to these rooms doors and we walk from room to room throughout life. And I try to stay in the room I am most comfortable in. If that means I sleep in a mono room while my wife sleeps in a poly room that's fine.

We both stay in the poly room in this example, although I hope my point can get across.
 

Millhuas

Member
Partner A&B. Yes we rather new 5mnths.
PartnerB requesting to sleepover has recently gotten closer to their first non FWB. (PartnerC)
No known issues with PartnerC being seen just requested for no sleep over

Hello Kabukithegreat35,

If your primary partner agreed to no sleepovers this week, then that's the course of action they should adhere to. Wanting to go stay with their other partner on Wednesday is not cool. They gave you their word.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Correct at the end of the day our words are binding.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Correct at the end of the day our words are binding.

Does this imply a policy of "no take backs" with regard to agreements?

An agreement is agreed upon by all of the parties involved. If one of the parties involved doesn't agree then all we have is the normal situation of "I want one thing, and you want something else, someone isn't getting what they want".

When there was previously an agreement but one of the people stopped agreeing with it at some point, you still don't have an agreement. It is an adult courtesy to let the other members know "I did agree, and I don't any longer" for the sake of full disclosure and to avoid deception. That is unless there is a "no take backs" policy in play, at which point I think we have bigger problems.
 

Millhuas

Member
Absolutely, you are correct that people must have the right, and ability to vocalize their discordance with the current agreement. Though that is only valid when the discussion is in place and is of mutual understanding and consent. This is reliant on our ability to change as well.
 

WhatHappened

Active member
Kk so like..poly question

Let's say last week was real rough between you primary partner, and at the beginning of the week we both discussed and agreed to no sleepovers this week. Give us a sec to readjust and recommit to one another.
Then Wednesday comes round and one em wants to go stay with their other partner.

What are your thoughts? Cool? Not cool? Why?
This, of course, is the fine wire we dance with poly. Partner A of (presumably) primary couple A and B wants to readjust and recommit and therefore say, Partner C is out for the week. Just us.

Well, what did B promise to C? Did B tell C s/he was the extra-marital, the plaything, the one who wasn't fully equal? Or did B tell C this would be a fully equal, loving relationship like any other? Did C realize s/he could suddenly be cut off from his/her relationship with B at A's whims and needs and desires?

I believe both these things:

B should keep promises to A.
B should respect C as a full, equal partner and not cut him/her off at the whims/insecurities of A because this is totally unfair to C. That's entirely unfair to C.
So A and B should have committed in the first place to treating C (D, E, F....) as equal partners with real emotions who need to be respected as if they're actually IN a relationship. Or else they should have made it clear from the start that they're not equal and can be cut off for a week or a month at a time at the whim of A. They can then re-evaluate their relationship with B accordingly.
 

IvanTrentBrown

New member
When I was involved with a married poly woman, one of her and the Husband's rules was no sleepovers at all.

This is something I accepted, but over time grew to dislike. The only time she would stay over was if he was out of town. But even then I don't think she brought it up to him. She would tell him she was staying at a friend's or a cousin's place.

There were a couple of instances where she went home past 'curfew'. I would later find out that it was a big source of their arguments.

I had a talk with the Wife and said that if it's something they both agreed to, then they should honor the agreement. If she wanted to sleepover with me, then she should discuss changing the terms.

Eventually our relationship ended on a bad note. Maybe in part by me. But also because she failed to communicate with her Husband.
 
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