Shrinking myself to make space for my primary partner’s new partner (help!)

[ingmar]

Hi there,

My primary partner (Johannes) and I have been together 16 years. We care about each other very much. Three years ago, we made the rocky but very important first steps towards kitchen table polyamory. It has generally been a very transformative and positive experience for both of us. We’ve dated a bit. We aren’t particularly romantic between each other at this point, but we are committed to maintaining a deep familial bond, and co-habitation is part of that. I find myself now in a tricky situation and am not sure where to turn or what to do. Help!

About 20 months ago, Johannes fell madly in love with a new partner, Elena. The NRE was extremely strong, almost blinding for both of them. About four months into them getting together, Johannes let me know that Elena was approaching the end of her lease. Johannes then surprised me with the question of whether Elena could move in to live with us in perpetuity. I felt a lot of pressure to say yes— like I would be the sole thing in the way of their happy relationship deepening if I’d said no. Ultimately, I said sure, and tried to steady myself to welcome her moving in permanently with us (even though it was a very rushed, stressful decision for me). I at least felt good that I had opened my heart to the possibility of positive outcomes. I sincerely wanted to welcome Elena into our world in a meaningful way, and also I knew Johannes wanted and needed that blessing from me.

Fast forward many months later. All of us still live together. For the most part, there is a kind of stilted peace. What has slowly become apparent over this time is that from the jump, Elena apparently wanted Johannes and me to separate. She recently confessed that she was banking on exactly that happening, but as the months passed, she realized that Johannes and I do indeed have a strong bond that isn’t quite going anywhere, at least not in the way she had hoped. She was vulnerable with me and admitted she had become bitter and has resorted to distancing and coldness towards me as a way to cope. I'd felt those things, for sure, but had tried to excuse them away. Now that I’m no longer gaslighting myself into thinking I’m crazy for sensing a strange unspoken tension, it is hard for me to be emotionally present and not distracted by it all.

When Elena entered our home, frankly, I shrank as much as I could. I wanted to make room and make sure Elena had the time and support she needed from Johannes. I wanted to also support Johannes as he entered this new, powerful context.

It is clear that the shadow of Johannes and me together is long. Johannes and I have been together so many years and are such important parts of each other's lives and families. I knew it would be hard to adjust, but I had no idea that Elena’s mindset was so distinctly competitive and rooted in comparison and a desire to show me the door.

I am here now asking for some help as I try to find clarity. I am beginning to see how Elena’s intentions and subsequent actions may have negatively impacted my dynamic and relationship with Johannes, generally. I am honestly at an emotional crossroads and don’t quite know what path to take forward. Part of me wonders if staying in the house with Johannes and Elena— not changing a thing— is the best thing. Alternately, if I moved out, would that give everyone more peace? Another part of me feels anger and bewilderment as I process a confused sense of betrayal that Elena would misrepresent her intentions in order to get in the proverbial door.

I say all of this while also (to confuse myself further) caring about Elena, caring about Johannes, and caring about the two of them being together, somehow.

I have more to say, but I’m exhausted and this is as fair a start as any. How can I help things stabilize a bit? How do you push past mistrust? Any recommendations are appreciated.

Gratefully,
Ingmar

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I know some people are huge advocates of this thing where relationships can change, etc., etc. But I'm just not.

To me, if the romance is dwindling between you, and he has another partner who he has all those "hots" for, then it's just a case of not wanting to take the plunge and break up properly while enjoying another relationship. It's a safety thing.

The reality is that the gap between you and Johannes is what Elena saw as an opportunity to displace you. When you're in a content relationship and there aren't those gaps, people like Elena know pretty quickly that there is no space to come in between you, no matter how hard they try. But in your relationship, that gap existed because, from my perspective, the heat you need between you to sustain a relationship has gone.

You might be family, but few of us are from a culture where it's typical for adult family members to remain cohabiting. Most want space with a romantic partner at home.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

How can I help things stabilize a bit? How do you push past mistrust? Any recommendations are appreciated.

I think you start by being super honest with self and your roomies.

I felt a lot of pressure to say yes— like I would be the sole thing in the way of their happy relationship deepening if I’d said no. Ultimately I said sure, and tried to steady myself to welcome her moving in permanently with us (even though it was a very rushed, stressful decision for me).

What has slowly become apparent over this time is that from jump Elena apparently wanted Johannes and I to separate. She recently confessed that she was banking on exactly that happening and as the months passed she realized that Johannes and I do indeed have a strong bond that isn’t quite going anywhere, at least not in the way she had hoped. She was vulnerable with me and admitted she had become bitter and has resorted to distancing and coldness towards me as a way to cope.

So do all 3 people know these things? Maybe it is time to put the cards on the table plainly.

Maybe it's also time for Johannes to be a traveling hinge, where he would spend some of his time with Elena and some of his time with you. It doesn't matter who moves out, you or Elena. Maybe all of you move out of this current home. Then you go to one flat, Elena to another and Johannes gets one too. It could be in the same complex, but everybody has their own flat.

I say all of this while also (to confuse myself further) caring about Elena, caring about Johannes, and caring about the two of them being together somehow.

I think you have to leave (Elena + Johannes) up to them to sort out, and concern yourself more with your own well being.

As roomies, you and Elena don't get along that great. Maybe you'd do better as metamours who do NOT live together. Then you could be in a home that doesn't stress you out this much.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ingmar,

It's normal and logical to feel anger and bewilderment in a situation like this. Although it's nice that Elena was (finally) honest with you about her intentions, it would have been better for her to not have those intentions in the first place. It is not your responsibility to stabilize things, nor to push past mistrust, as Elena is the one who lied to you, and Johannes is the one who picked her out in the first place, and moved her into your home. You have been enormously generous in letting her live with you, now you have to decide whether you want to continue to extend that generosity. You also have to decide whether you want to continue associating with Johannes. Does he support you? or does he just pressure you into doing what he wants?

I think it's your turn to get some consideration.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

Fast forward many months later. All of us still live together. For the most part there is a kind of stilted peace. What has slowly become apparent over this time is that from jump Elena apparently wanted Johannes and I to separate. She recently confessed that she was banking on exactly that happening and as the months passed she realized that Johannes and I do indeed have a strong bond that isn’t quite going anywhere, at least not in the way she had hoped. She was vulnerable with me and admitted she had become bitter and has resorted to distancing and coldness towards me as a way to cope. I felt these things for sure but had tried to excuse away. Now that I’m no longer gaslighting myself into thinking I’m crazy for sensing a strange unspoken tension, it is hard for me emotionally present and not distracted by it all.

It's unclear at this point whether Elena can come around to the V or not.
It IS possible to cry through these emotions - but they do suck. I had to process something similar when Idealist and Meta conceived. While I was not looking to separate them, I had been harboring some hope, which was lost with the child coming.
A lot of people will say I should not be in this relationship then. I disagree.

 

[icesong]

This is a really rough situation - some of the details of my own are not dissimilar, though my son adds additional complication (I don’t think that for _my_ son, his parents living apart would be good for him though it is the better answer in many situations) and I do still trust my meta not to be actively trying to get between Knight and I. They didn’t have the extreme NRE to deal with though, either.

But the shrinking? That is familiar and something that I’m trying very very hard not to do anymore, not always successfully.

That said… I think you and Johannes need to have some frank conversations about what you and he actually want in this. I had some similar ones, as far as the living arrangement and who it was really good for, back in August and I think it helped. Although I don’t think the actual situation is changing, I mostly don’t feel the need to shrink anymore and have gotten a lot more peace because of it.

Now that I look at it, I never came back and wrote about those conversations. I should do that…

 

[Kappi]

Hello Ingmar,

I just read your post while browsing and it touched me so much that I finally registered because I wanted to reply myself. I was in a somewhat similar position when my boyfriend, newly in love, asked me if his girlfriend could move in with us, and I allowed it, with the same feeling of being trapped. However, the following 3 weeks were incredibly stressful for me,. My whole character changed (very emotional highs and lows, overall emotionally unstable). So, at some point, I drew the line and told both of them that it wasn't going to work. I allowed her to stay with us for a maximum of 2 nights a week, but the rest of the time she lives in her apartment and my partner is allowed to stay with her 1-2 nights a week. I was happy that both respected this. In the whole time afterwards, it also supported me to communicate any upcoming fears, needs, and desires.

So much for me for now, as it's clear why I see similarities to your position.

Now, the main points (some have already been mentioned) that I want to stress are:
1) Talk about it in threes. If that's not even possible, then it's not a good foundation for anything. Johannes needs to know about Elena's intentions. (You can offer to let her tell him, but under no circumstances should you feel pressured to keep this from him.) He has a right to know who he has hooked up with, and if he doesn't take your suffering seriously, then that is also an answer to the question of whether your couple relationship is still worth your efforts.
2) You have a right to your home! I find it frightening that you are offering to move out and not considering forbidding Elena to stay in your home. (Of course, I don't know your entire situation.) You've already given an incredible amount. You can-- or rather you must-- define your boundaries! If you don't want to live under the same roof with someone who wants you out of a relationship, then that's a legitimate need! And this need should be respected by partners who are worth it.
3) Don't shrink! If this were successful, then both of them would want to help you grow. I don't see that from what you've told us about Elena, yet, unfortunately. I know this is improbable with all the NRE. But as soon as this energy decreases, they should start caring for you and make up for the time in which they disregarded you.

I wish you all the best. I know this is a very demanding time!

Kappi

 

[Albert Ross]

I want to send a big virtual box of support and sympathy to anyone whose partner wants to move their new person in, and after only a few months.

For starters, moving in with someone after that short a period is a bad idea. I feel no need to qualify that sentence. I'm ready for you, person for whom it just happened to work out and now you've been happy together for 20 years! Come at me! It is nevertheless not a good idea to cohabitate with someone you just don't know that well!

I saw an opinion elsewhere that you should wait at least a year before moving in with someone, and that's just in a dyad. And I think that's a great guideline!

The point is to let the NRE calm down before you make big, life-changing and/or hard-to-unwind decisions like cohabitation. I get that brain chemicals make things hard, but the fact that someone is "so madly in love" with their new person should be a signal to them to be skeptical of their own desires.

So now take the potential trash fire of cohabitate-after-a-few-months and try to impose that situation on your partner who isn't even in a relationship with New Roommate?

No. That is such a shitty thing to do.

 

[ref2018]

I'm ready for you, person for whom it just happened to work out and now you've been happy together for 20 years, come at me; it is nevertheless not a good idea to cohabitate with someone you just don't know that well!

I am that person, but I still think it isn't a good idea in principle. I did have a month-to-month rental though, and there were no roommates or children involved, but I got extremely lucky and wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

 

[Evie]

I'm that person, too, but we had a rental and were open to walking away without financial ties back then. It also worked because we were at a similar stage of life, asset wise and career wise. Now we spend stretches of time living together and living apart. The apart is just about to start again in the new year.

Moving a romantic partner into an established dyad home is generally going to cause issues though (I've been that third person before too and it ended miserably).

As for cohabiting with someone you don't know that well, it's pretty common in NZ to flat (house share) with strangers, but it's not while trying to build a romantic relationship at the same time.

I have a friend who, for his last two relationships, moved his younger, less financially secure, and often somewhat unhealthy gfs (consecutively) into his home (he's the home owner) and after the NRE wore off everything fell apart. The power imbalances were just too much and the relationships ended up toxic from both sides. As the older man, he's born the brunt of the social fallout. That's a shift in society. When I finally left power imbalance relationships as the younger woman, I was the one blamed and ostracized.

As for the OPs situation, Elena sounds like she came in intending to be trouble. Now OPs considering moving out to get away from her...I get that, I'm partly moving out to get away from our flatmate (who was a friend of Adam's and was supposed to only use our place as a springboard to finding his own place, but it turns out he can't hold down a job). I have come to really resent him, and that's without anything romantic with anyone in the mix. If he was just a stranger, I'd have given him notice months ago, but he's a friend (sort of) and there's no way Adam or I would give an unemployed friend an eviction notice.

So, since OP can't turn back the clock, how can there be movement forward? I'm with Galagirl on deconstructing the current living situation and having a traveling hinge partner. Polyamory is rarely all under one roof, and certainly not when the metas don't get along, especially because one wants the other relationship to end.

 

[Magdlyn]

Albert Ross, I may have been the person who recommended not moving in with a new romantic partner for a least one year, if not two. I know, people do it all the time. Mother Nature's "gift" of NRE is extremely strong. It's a pumped-up hormonal state, and if you don't understand the pitfalls it's almost impossible to resist.

In the past, our culture would demand a ring on the finger to promise to be together "forever," before having sex and cohabiting. Nowadays, most of us have sex long before marriage, or never get married at all. Just the same, we should not put all of our eggs in the NRE basket and imagine that infatuation is the same as real dependable love that has the stood the test of at least a couple of harder situations through which you've respectfully supported each other!

But so many people, even more mature adults in their later 20s, will rely on those rose-colored glasses and ideas of the perfection of the beloved, and just start sharing a home, only to find initial compatibility is not the same thing as long-term compatibility.

In this case, maybe Johannes and Elena will turn out to be long-term compatible. Who knows? But it sounds like Elena doesn't understand polyamory. She came in, to put it plainly, with homewrecker desires. This is despicable. It's disgusting. I'm glad she confessed to Ingmar, but does Johannes know? Has he known this for a while? Has Elena been pressuring him to wedge Ingmar out of the living situation?

I always put the onus on the hinge, not the newer partner. Johannes has a responsibility to Ingmar here, if he cares for her and respects her at all. If the passion is gone between them, as it seems to be, but they are still very close friends, he still shouldn't be treating her as a second-class citizen in favor of the new and shiny girl.

Ingmar, I'd recommend confronting Johannes with this information, and sharing your feelings of having shrunk to make space for his new relationship to flourish, to your own detriment. Waste no time. This has gone on long enough. You don't live to be a martyr to Johannes's new romance. You deserve respect and love too. I hope you know this.

 

[MeeraReed]

I am that person, but I still think it isn't a good idea in principle. I did have a month-to-month rental though, and there were no roommates or children involved, but I got extremely lucky and wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

And was that without any metamours in the mix either? No metamour also living there? Were there any important non-living-together relationships for you or your partner, and if so, were they impacted by you and your partner moving in together so quickly?

 

[ref2018]

And was that without any metamours in the mix either? No metamour also living there? Were there any important non-living-together relationships for you or your partner, and if so, were they impacted by you and your partner moving in together so quickly?

I was single at the time (not seeing anyone else), and I had my own place, with no other roommates.