Sleeping Arrangements and Beds: Merged Threads, General Discussion

The three of us: one is 5'9" and fragile, one is 5'10", one is 6'2" and built like the proverbial brick shit house. We get along fine in one *orthopedic quality* California king.

I have heard much applause over at the poly forum on Reddit regarding the two-queens-stuck-together version.

I occasionally claim I married my husband for this bed, which he already owned when we started dating, and given my ortho issues I am not always entirely kidding. Usually my husband sleeps in the bed with me because it was in our wedding vows that he would keep my feet warm at night and thus this has been our tradition for several years now. The boyfriend sleeps with us when the kids aren't here, or if we're traveling without them, and in his room, otherwise. If we're stuck with the two-bed configuration while traveling, I sleep with the boyfriend, because I don't often get much chance to, and the husband enjoys his break from footwarmer duty.

Ultimately though, they could sleep wherever they bloody well pleased. To quote Jayne (Firefly reference) I'll be in my (comfy orthopedic "huge tracts of BED!") bunk.
 
7 pages of comments so far! I haven't got the time to read through all, so I may be repeating someone else's suggestions.
EywaUK said:
How the heck do you get 3 in a bed on a long term basis? I'm 6'9", my bfs are 6'4" and 5'10", and even with a king-size bed, its getting to be more and more awkward to 'sleep' three to a bed. We always start off cosy and cuddled, then as we all fall asleep and move around, inevitably you end up with someone perched right at the edge of the bed.
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Don't assume that it's the bigger people who squeeze out the smaller. My theory is that bigger people have grown more space-conscious, so they try not to invade other people's spaces even while they sleep. I knew a couple, she was 5 ft., he over 6 ft. And it was he that used to wake up, clinging to the edge of the mattress, while she was stretched out all over the place. Another example: a friend whose sister slept over and they both shared the bed with my friend's baby. Both of them woke up clinging to opposite edges of the mattress, and it was the baby - in the middle of the bed - who blissfully dreamed on with all the space in the world.:)

Back to your problem: "Three Men In A Bed" (at least you haven't got the dog!)

1) Don't you know any carpenters? Better still: aren't any of you handicraftily courageous? There is a special pleasure to be had sleeping in a bed that you've made for yourself, or barring that, having one made specifically for you with personal touches.

2) The one in the middle getting up in the middle of the night.
a) Choose the one with the strongest bladder control for the middle.
b) I would advise you to have the head end - without headboard - away from the wall. it's easier to slip out of bed head-first than feet-first. Though that leaves the problem of slipping yourself feet-first into bed afterwards. Hmmm!
c) You write: "... so i'm just starting to settle/accept in to the 3person relationship..." My experience: at the beginning of a relationship, you'll wake up every time that your partner(s) sigh(s). After a while, you don't even stir when they practice the bagpipes in bed. (Well, slight exaggeration...)
3) You might decide to develop a foot fetish and sleep like sardines: "top to tail". (Not recommended if any of you is prone to leg spasms while asleep.)
 
MrFarFromRight said:
b) I would advise you to have the head end - without headboard - away from the wall. it's easier to slip out of bed head-first than feet-first. 'Though that leaves the problem of slipping yourself feet-first into bed afterwards. Hmmm!
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If your bedroom is big enough and/or you decide to go posh old-fashioned and have dressing rooms with the necessary furniture as independent of the bedroom, you could always put the bed right in the middle of the room, snake head-first out of bed, then snake head-first into bed from the other end.
 
Usually, a king-sized bed fits three people quite nicely. At my boyfriend+girlfriend's home they have a full, so we take turns sleeping on a mattress off to the side. But once we stayed in a hotel, and the desk clerk saw there was three of us, and one king-sized bed. She asked if she should get a cot for us. (We thought this was hilarious. She looked so confused when we said we didn't need one.) The king bed fit us three perfectly.
 
three in a bed

Rane, Draco and I share a queen when Draco stays the night. We had to move it against the wall for they kept pushing me out of bed. They are both tall and skinnier then I am, so I am very worried that I will take up too much room. So I spend most of the night huddled against the wall. (Which is good, for the wall is cold and they give off a lot of heat. lol)

As for the girlfriend sleeping in the marital bed, I believe like everything else, there should be convo between you, your wife and gf.
 
Sex in the poly lifestyle

We are curious about the sex in the poly community. My wife is bisexual and I am straight. What are the sleeping arrangements for most couples in the poly lifestyle? We are looking for a live-in girlfriend that we can share everything with, even our bed, on a a nightly basis.
 
First, there is no "poly lifestyle." Search for "lifestyle" here and you'll find discussion of that notion. And because there is no such lifestyle, you'll find that poly folks approach sleeping arrangements in every fashion imaginable. There is no standard poly configuration, so any given tangle can involve three to thirty people, and practical logistical concerns indicate there are no beds built for thirty.

As a personal example, my wife and I sleep in separate beds in separate rooms. My life-interest sleeps in her own bed in her own room in a separate house she shares with folks she's not involved with. The other ladies with whom I may get romantically involved all live in their own places. So, in the tangle of which I am part, ain't nobody literally sleeping with anybody else.
 
I see. Thank you for the clarification. With us, we are not looking to add more than one person to our relationship, making us a triad. We are wanting a live-in girlfriend that lives with us and sleeps with us in our own bed. We are not interested in having more than the one person to live with us.
 
Hi, Seyscouple and welcome.

You might want to search here for 'unicorns.' That's the poly slang for what you're looking for and, as the name implies, it's very hard to find. For one thing, it's very hard to fit into an existing couple's structure. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen, just that the women who are willing to do this are few and far between. I've been asked, and I wanted to be the unicorn, but it has never worked out for me. I know many women for whom this is true. It might be worth discussing whether or not you are willing to go in whatever direction life and love takes you, rather than trying to shape it to your will.

And I echo AT. It's not a lifestyle, it's a life. :)

JG
 
A lot of people who live together all have their own rooms that they can chose to invite each other into. Sometimes for sleeping it's just more comfortable not to be three to a bed.
 
Hello,

Thank you all for the replies. I guess it would be a little uncomfortable if three people were in the same bed every night. We just enjoy having a single female with us. It completes us to no end, and that is why we are trying other methods of finding a someone we can share our life together.
 
We sleep three to a bed most nights. It's a bit complicated sometimes, especially when it comes to blankets. I tend to sleep in the middle, because I'm the one who gets coldest. My husband can NOT sleep in the middle because he sweats way too much.

It is nice, but it also helps to have a second room where someone can sleep alone if they choose to. We will be moving to a new house together at the end of the year and we plan to have two bedrooms for adults, so our sleep options are more open.
 
Yeah, if some day in the far future I were to move in with my gf and her lovely husband, I would want/need my own bed. Sleeping in their bed with them feels wonderful, but it can just be too crowded for comfort if all I want is to twist and turn a bit and then fall asleep.

Do take Julia's advice and do a tag search for unicorns. It's all too easy for folks with the best of intentions to go about things the wrong way with a third person, and why make the same mistakes as others when you can learn from them instead? There are also some great essays at www.xeromag.com that may be useful to you, such as "things to consider when dating a couple".

Good luck!
 
seysccouple said:
We are curious about the sex in the poly community.
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Most of this has been about sleeping so far, not about sex, but that was the first part of your question. What'd you want to know about poly sex? Or was it really the sleeping arrangements you wanted to talk about?
 
Generally in poly there is no "couple." That is more a "swinging" notion or "open." If a couple enters poly thinking that they are the primaries, and they will obtain a secondary, it ends in hurt feelings, with the love not being evenly distributed amongst the three and the secondary being ditched because they are wrecking the "couple." The attitude of couples is generally not lined up for poly. I would check my agenda with this, if I were you.

I agree with the search idea and see if you might want to keep with swinging... I noticed you are swingers from another thread. Either that or prepare for independence, autonomy and to have your whole notion of coupledom be turned on its head, if it even exists in poly for the long haul.

Of course there are some occasions where a couple own a secondary, but they are usually few and far between and occur over time and with experience, depending also on how long it lasts. I would say that the scenario you seek lasts about a month or so. Over a year is rare to nil.
 
When it comes to sex/sleeping/other bedroom activities in the world of poly, there are many options, and many different configurations and answers that you'll get, if you ask anyone what they personally do and how they personally arrange their relationships.

I do agree with other posters that the 'unicorn' fantasy does not generally work out. I have never been one for black-and-white thinking, so I am sure that somewhere, somehow there is a unicorn relationship that has worked out, but of the very few that I've seen, none of them have worked out longer than a few months.

I think, and of course I've not had firsthand experience, because my relationships are not of this variety, that the unicorn fantasy compartmentalizes the relationship too much, and doesn't allow for growth. It has never appealed to me personally, because a couple looking for their unicorn to me seems like they are looking for a toy, or a possession, rather than a relationship. Granted, I could be wrong, but this is just what I've observed.

That being said, sex does tend to happen in poly relationships (and all others, of course). There are nine people total in our poly family, between my husband, me, our partners and their partners. And I have sex with three of those people. We don't require that everyone's partners have sex with everyone else. We allow everything to ebb and flow naturally and to move at the pace it will.

My advice is that in your particular situation, write down or discuss exactly why you are seeking the third partner. What reasons do you have? Does it have to do with sex primarily, or companionship? What benefits would you all three gain from this partnership?

Please know that I'm definitely not trying to be a party pooper or a naysayer; it just sounds like your goal is slightly unrealistic as of yet. That's not to say that it will be that way always. If you're new to poly, you have the opportunity to learn from those around you, explore your own motivations, do some self work, and fine tune your goals and desires to what really works for you, and the other person that may potentially come into your life.
 
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