Sleeping Arrangements and Beds: Merged Threads, General Discussion

I used to not be able to sleep alone, then my husband started working nights and I had to get over it. It was hard. I went weeks without sleeping more than a few hours each night. But eventually I got over it and now have a fairly normal schedule. It is possible to adapt to new situations. When a relationship structure changes from including two people to including three, it calls for some pretty big adjustments.

My husband having a commitment to work is no less important than your boyfriend and girlfriend having a commitment to you and your relationship. It should be a priority for them to learn how to adapt their habits in a way that allows them to share their lives with you. And I very much agree with Sparklepop and NYCindie that it sounds like your girlfriend needs to get over herself, grow up a bit, and recognize that other people have feelings and needs too.
 
They are both aware of my thoughts and needs. I'm a talker and I've tried really hard in this relationship to be honest and open.

We can't have another bed in their room, because it would be too obvious for the kids and other family members who don't know about us. I am seen as a close friend to the outside world, mainly to protect the kids.

I've already got a super king-size bed. I snore, which I understand is a big problem for gf. Bf doesn't care. He sleeps through anything. I know he wants to spend more time sleeping with me, but is torn.

Last night I broached the idea of bf sleeping with me, even one whole night, but gf got very agitated. I have brought it up before, but she thinks I'm just wanting more and more. She says the more she gives, the more we want.
 
In reply to BrigidsDaughter, I may be wrong about this, but maybe it doesn't bother you too much because you still have your hubby to sleep with. I sleep alone. I sometimes start off in their bed, and sometimes bf comes down to me for a couple of hours, but the rest of the time I'm alone.
 
As much as Runic Wolf can't sleep without me in bed, I don't seem to have that problem. Sure, when he was in the military and gone for months at a time, I'd miss having him to cuddle when I fell asleep, but I also enjoyed that I didn't have to fight over the covers or who gets how much space in the bed. I honestly would be happy with starting off in the bed cuddling and then moving to sleep alone. Especially when my back is acting up.
 
I have no problem sleeping alone. I am an amazing sleeper. But I just need the together time, especially as I can't show affection freely during the day because of the kids, etc.
 
Jaynine said:
Last night i broached the idea of bf sleeping with me even one whole night, but gf got very agitated. I have brought it up before, but she thinks I'm just wanting more and more. She says the more she gives, the more we want.
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Of course you want more. You BARELY get ANYTHING! This is ridiculous. It sounds like she's the boss of you two and what she says goes. Emergency sit-down necessary, ASAP, all three of you. And you need to stress that you're a partner in this too. She's not the centre of everyone else's universe.
 
I have no problem sleeping alone. I just need the together time, especially as I can't show affection freely during the day because of the kids.
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So maybe you could let go of the sleeping together thing and work more towards this? If the kids/other people seeing PDAs is a problem, would living elsewhere be a solution? He could come to your space and you guys could get alone time without other eyes around. A house with a mother-in-law cottage in the back? Neighboring apartments?

GG
 
nycindie said:
But it sounds like your issues are deeper than just a sleeping schedule. It sounds like it's time to stand up for yourself and renegotiate. They don't get to make all the rules just because they're married and that's what they're used to. A triad should be 1+1+1, not couple +1. Also sounds like your girlfriend needs to grow up a little bit.
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Arrowbound said:
Of course you want more. You BARELY get ANYTHING! This is ridiculous. It sounds like she's the boss of you two and what she says goes. Emergency sit-down necessary, ASAP, all three of you. And you need to stress that you're a partner in this too. She's not the centre of everyone else's universe.
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Yes and yes to both of these. I think this obviously encompasses much more than sleeping arrangements. Your needs are not being valued here and it sounds like you are not being treated like an equal (or significant) part of this "triad" relationship.

You deserve consideration and respect and it doesn't seem like you are getting either. It sounds like one person's (GF/wife's) wants and insecurities are trumping the needs/wants of anyone else. That's not healthy in any relationship, regardless of how many people are involved.

It sounds like a serious sit-down and some renegotiating is in order. Yes, this sort of thing is uncomfortable, but it is obviously necessary and can't be avoided. You shouldn't have to be constantly uncomfortable or unfulfilled just to keep this gal from being temporarily uncomfortable with having a necessary conversation.

Every relationship is different and has its special considerations and inequalities, but you definitely deserve more than scraps and leftovers.
 
GalaGirl said:
Let go of the sleep thing and work more toward this? Is living elsewhere a solution? So he can come to your space and you guys get alone time without other eyes around?
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I've tried a few times to make the break to living on my own, and as much as I know how much this would upset my bf, he has been behind me, as in believing it would be better for me to be independent, as he knows how hard it is for me. But each time I try, funnily enough it is my gf who fights to keep me living with them. And as much as I want to be brave and go it alone, it would break my heart to move out. As for a place with a granny flat, etc., yes, we've discussed it, but it's not financially viable right now. It would be better for my kids, too.
 
I've headed away with my kids on a holiday today for 5 days, which will be a nice break. But this weekend had a big discussion with all 3 of us and made some progress. Bf has admitted to us that he would like to spend the whole night with me at times. Gf still feels very agitated by this, although she says she knew it was coming. He only wants to do this if she's not too unhappy about it. But for now we're gonna go for the option of me sleeping in their bed for longer periods, even for the whole night, when my son is not there. She wants this to happen, and if she can't sleep and gets up to read in the lounge, I have to stay in the bed, instead of what I usually do, which is head straight back downstairs as soon as she gets up.

Everyone's ideas here have been very useful.

I often feel like I'm only getting scraps and leftovers, although I do have an amazingly intense beautiful love life and sex life with my bf, which I'm very grateful for.
 
I also have a very loving relationship with my gf, but she admits that her jealousy and fears do get in the way of letting herself go with me. I don't think she fully trusts me, even after a year.
 
Instead of just continually getting agitated by everything that doesn't deal with her being the centre, she needs to be doing the internal work and reading, or else you'll keep getting the short end of the stick.

http://www.morethantwo.com/

I'm not sure of more, but there's probably some that others can post in here on jealousy and triads, things like that, for her to look at.
 
I'm getting off the original subject here, but, after reading the website that was suggested above, I thought someone might have some input on what I'm about to say.

My relationship began with this couple after I ended a 24-year relationship with my husband. I was 16 when I met him. My new poly relationship started out as just for fun, my gf being the main instigator. She was infatuated by me. But her husband made no secret in letting us know his feelings, that he was falling in love with me.

This couple have participated in swinging before, but never actual poly relationships. So you could kinda say they sought me out to have some sexual fun, which very quickly turned into a serious loving relationship.

The problem was that gf was surprised her hubby fell for me. She didn't expect that and it brought with it a huge range of emotions, which she has worked hard on, but still struggles with. Her main issue is she finds it hard to deal with the fact that hubby loves us equally.

He is dedicated to her and their children and would never leave her. I understand this and respect it and wouldn't want it any other way.

Certain things cause her jealousy. E.g., she says he made it clear years ago that he's not that much into kissing during sex, yet he and I kiss heaps. She says he has changed a lot since I came into their lives, changing some behaviours she had been trying to get him to change for years. He has mellowed out more, talks about his feelings more. She is pleased, but also confused about this, understandably.

So the crux of this is, she wanted me, she was infatuated by me, but didn't look ahead. She thought she could keep me in a little box and just be part of a threesome, and I would not have an individual relationship with her hubby. It's thrown her, and we've been struggling ever since. But it is a relationship worth the effort we are putting in.

Thank you for listening. Any input would be appreciated.
 
Just keep talking and negotiating and making sure you know exactly where everyone else stands. She's probably terrified that her husband will want you more (someone has to chime in here about all that NRE business) and for a time, he might. But, if you're committed to being with both of them, your actions regarding that commitment should speak for themselves and hopefully things will mellow.

There are a lot of things we do now very comfortably that I never thought would come about in my MFM triad, mostly because I didn't think T would get to the point of relaxing enough to know that I'm not going to run off with E. But E would likely say that he spent a lot of the first few months of us being together sleeping alone and feeling a little less than equal until the balance came.

I think the secret is to communicate, communicate, communicate and make your eventual intentions known through statements like, "Ultimately, I'd like it if we could all (whatever)." That's what E did, and T noticed, and we got to a point where we all started moving forward, together.
 
Something for her to think about concerning the changes of her husband:

1. You are a different person around each and everyone you interact with on a more intimate level. Not drastically different, but there are some personal interactions that are just caused by that 'couple-dynamic' (works with friends as well); sparked by the special traits each person has. General statements like "I am not that into kissing." may sounded universal back then, but in a monogamous structure they basically meant "I am not that into kissing with you." It just wasn't their thing. Totally valid point, there will be different things they like, but the statement doesn't have to apply in regard to other partners automatically.

2. He may have changed due to the special kind of relationship structure you all are involved in. I observed this in my husband's case as well. He was never one to talk that much about relationship stuff, problems, things bothering him and so on. In this new vee dynamic, he is forced to do so. It wouldn't work otherwise. We still struggle with his caginess, but he became a lot more open. I don't think that this is mainly caused by my boyfriend, it is caused by the new dynamic and basic requirements of the situation at hand. Yes, my boyfriend or in your case you brought that change about, but her husband as well as mine are just reacting accordingly. As she and you and everyone involved as well. This isn't 'your fault' or 'your accomplishment' solely.
 
Yes, I believe you are right about him changing because of the special kind of relationship structure. It definitely changes a person's way of thinking. I believe it takes a lot of personal work and growing up.

The main thing I have noticed, for me, going from a 24-year monogamous relationship with a very possessive, jealous husband, is that I feel more independent. BUT have struggled with not being Number 1. I was so used to having someone who only thought of me and only cared for me. In fact, my ex claims he put me on a pedestal.

Sadly, I didn't feel any desire at all for him anymore, and hadn't for a few years. I loved him only as a close brother. In some ways though, it's nice to not have the demands of being Number 1.
 
I think I am learning to rely on myself more, rather than others. That doesn't mean I don't deserve a fair share of time and intimacy and love, though.
 
breakthrough

While I've been away on holiday, without my partners, I've communicated with my girlfriend about my needs. She seems a lot more open to helping me. I've said that at times I feel lonely and vulnerable and on the outside of this relationship, and often worry I am intruding on their relationship.

I have said that I could seek new relationships outside our triad to help fulfill my needs and be less needy of them. My bf does not want it that way. He feels that because of the love we have for each other he would find it too hard. So my gf is willing to make important changes to help me feel like an equal, rather than a secondary. What I want is to feel as important to both of them as they are to me. I want to be able to rely on them when I need them. I don't want my bf feeling guilty when I'm with him alone. I just want to feel needed, as well as loved, and it's hard to feel needed when I know they have each other to meet their needs.

If anyone can understand what I am saying, I could really do with some help with the right words to say to my gf.
 
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