Sleeping Arrangements and Beds: Merged Threads, General Discussion

well, you sound like you are in the ballpark, but break it down.

HOW would they show you are needed?

You want to be included in decision making for the household?

Have sharing of confidences first sometimes instead of second?

Get assigned chores in the house so you feel like it is your house too? And you aren't on "permanent guest?"

Have your scheduled time alone with each of them actually scheduled, and then honored without the other one butting in (shy of 911 emergency)?


Keep going. You sound like you are on the right track.

You may not want to hear these questions, but they are what persist in my head after reading through this thread:

You say it's your gf who keeps not wanting you to move out. With the challenges she seems to have, why is that? What is she getting out of you living there? I worry that, with 4 kids, she's found someone to help with the house and kids, keep her company if she's at home during the day, etc.

Also, this:
My bf does not want it that way, he feels that becos of the love we have for each other he would find it too hard.
is a red flag to me. If I knew him I might be calling bullshit. I know there are closed triads, of course, but I find it interesting that in the current dynamics you and she seem to be sharing him more than anything. From what you've told us I get an impression of more a V with him at the hinge than a triad. This quote sounds pretty hypocritical to me, that you can be "brought in" to their relationship but can't have any relationships of your own outside of them.
The main question that I found coming up for me as I read this was -- why a closed triad? If you're going to be in this inherently unequal situation where you're a secret from family and friends and you don't get the comfort of your partner with you at night -- why on earth can't you see somebody or somebodies on the side to fill the gap? It's really not cool for her to talk about you and him always wanting more when the structure that's been set up prohibits you from having anything else. Whose idea was that, anyway? It seems to me that to some degree she's still stuck in the mindset of thinking you are somehow not going to be a full person with your own set of real and important needs. Maybe that sounds harsh, and as you know there are things in my own situation that I am dissatisfied with, but at least my partners give me the freedom and equality to get my needs met where I can.
Whoops, just saw your post about it being your bf's idea to be closed, not sure how I missed that. :) Still, I'm going to leave my post up because I think it's worth noting for the record that I think he's being really unfair here. Why does he get two partners and you get only one (well, sort of one and a half, since it sounds like your relationship with your gf is much different from your relationship with him)? Because he loves you too much to share you? Well, you and his wife obviously love him very much and yet you are having to figure out how to share him. Would he really break if forced to do the same?

In your position, if I were going to ask for one thing it would be not to be a secret. That can really wear on someone as time goes on. You deserve the freedom to live openly, plenty of other people with kids manage to be out of the closet about poly. It's one thing to be closeted if you only have secondary partners, but when you have two primaries I think it's just too much to ask for one to live a lie.
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I'm going to play the devil's advocate here for just a sec...some people don't like to be defined by who they sleep with. Does it work well in today's society? Not usually, but it might make them feel better to believe that they haven't contributed to the problem.

Also? Some people do really stupid things when their worldview is threatened. There might be reasons within the OP's community why being out as poly isn't a great idea because of the cretins surrounding their household.

If the OP has had this forced upon her, then, yeah, not cool. However, as the partner of someone who volunteered to be the "underground" partner in our closed triad, some people don't want all of the trappings of a relationship in the public eye.
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Sleep Particulars

She can't sleep without him? That sounds... a little childish. We are grown ups, we are quite capable of sleeping alone, I assure you she will survive just fine.

Something to consider: I don't sleep very well in absolute quiet. If I don't have a fan or something creating steady white noise in the background my sleep suffers. I also like it cool, and rarely enjoy cuddling for more than a few minutes. Keep in mind that your partners are going to have their sleeping preferences, so to make things easier perhaps take a closer look at what they are and see if you can make your den of sin a bit more comfortable for them.
To protect the kids from what?

thank you so much for posting this thread. this is exactly what I was referring to in my post about jealousy and the 3rd being the one who is cast aside. I have seen exactly this situation over and over in both the poly and the swinging lifestyles over the last 25 years. I feel for you honey. Everyone is right about speaking up. The wife needs to suck it up a deal with it or you my dear need to exit stage left. One thing to keep in mind they are legal man and wife period. as long as they are married she does have priority over you in every aspect in his life including finances regardless of who loves who. you will NEVER be an equal in their lives. to prove my point if he were to have a fatal accident tomorrow, his wife would collect death benefits you would get nothing and be left out in the wind alone. I wish the entire institution of marriage was done away with. they can make you feel like an equal by getting a king sized bed etc but in the end you are still the 3rd wheel. this fact is something that you have to suck it up and deal with. If you were somone who was more than a sexual partner who out of convienence lived with them then you would share their bed by their choice. as much as I would love to be a part of a triad this is the very thing that makes me skiddish as a single woman.
One other thing that I noticed in all of your posts was there is no mention of the closeness between the wife and you. Everything seems to be centered around the husbands sexual desires of wanting his two women and the wifes jealousy. This leads me to believe that she is only having sexual relations with you to apease his wants. This is exactly the signs that I look for when i meet with a couple. If I do not get vibes from the woman who claims to be bi I am out of there. Dont get me wrong. I have no problem being in a triad with the man being the V if the woman is straight as long as they are both honest about it. But any fool can tell when bisexual desire is being faked for someone elses benefit. jealousy is the main sign that a person is only participating to please someone else. IMO he is also playing the victim. I am sure he is all tore up over the fact that he has two women in his home who are both wanting to sleep beside of him.
To protect the kids from what?

I can't answer for the OP. But sigh... I would imagine things like this... if you realize you are poly AFTER kids come. It's always cleaner to sort it out and BE out to family and friends before kids arrive but that's not everyone's experience.

I've seen friends suffer the push-pull of warring family. They arrived at poly later in life. Some of my poly friends have relatives just IMPLODE at the news and then use the children as guilt trippage. As if the children do not have ears to hear grands or inlaws blasting away. It's rough on the couple, but prekids you could deal, break ties, etc and no little ears are being hurt or used in war.

Post kids? With relatives who megawigginz? It puts the child in the middle of their loved ones -- with kid brains that don't understand all -- "Do I believe mommy/daddy or grannies/grampies? Do I suck? Am I bad? Do people still love me?"

Just awful, and what did the kid do? Nothing. What did the parents do? Nothing but try to have more love in their lives. Terrible. :(

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One other thing that I noticed in all of your posts was there is no mention of the closeness between the wife and you. Everything seems to be centered around the husbands sexual desires of wanting his two women and the wifes jealousy. This leads me to believe that she is only having sexual relations just to appease him.

I have definately considered this......and I have talked about it to both of them. It has been a major concern for me, BUT only because for a few months she became very closed to me, she was really struggling with the change in her relationship. Id go as far as saying grieving for what she has lost. But she also realises what she has gained in having me to love. When my gf lets herself go, releases herself to love me, she is the most amazing, loving and beautiful person. She was like this at the beginning, that was the main reason I fell for her. She has recently become back to that person and hers and my relationship is really good again. We share alot of time together, we are best friends, and we also share love and sex. She is MY first female lover. I have come a long way in the past year. So unless she is an extremely great actor, I like to hope she is not just in this to appease her hubby and keep him happy.
IMO he is also playing the victim. I am sure he is all tore up over the fact that he has two women in his home who are both wanting to sleep beside of him.

I can see how this would seem this way to someone. But living in the situation and listening to the arguments and seeing the aftermaths of the arguments......and seeing the strain and stress on his face and in his behaviour, and making the decision with him that I need to move out and on for my own peace of mind and sanity and self worth..........I can only say from where I stand, but I'd say he is often "all tore up" over the fact that he can't give me what I need, can't be there for me when I need him. I'd say that although to the few men that do know about his relationship, it looks just great....who wouldnt want 2 women loving and wanting him....but the realities of emotions and time commitments and also a family of 4 boys makes it not so rosy at times.
I can't answer for the OP. But sigh... I would imagine things like this... if you realize you are poly AFTER kids come. mommy/daddy or grannies/grampies? Do I suck? Am I bad? Do people still love me?"

Exactly! We live in a small country in a small city. With very small minded people around us. Although my 2 older chidren, aged 16 and 18, know (my daughter read my fb messages)! we all realise that for our extended family to find out about why I am here, other than a good friend, they wouldnt understand. And yes, the kids would likely get teased at school. It's hard to know, but we would likely have to shift away. Which wouldnt be fair on my children. I would probably have to leave my 11 year old with his dad, and I dont think I could. So, yes, in a perfect, loving, open world i would love to tell everyone, I would love to show others whom my lovers are and show my affection publicly.

BTW....things are moving on with the sleeping arrangements.....GF trying really hard....they both are. They know what I would like, and I know they are trying to make it better for me. GF is really working on her issues. Her fear all along (once the rosy glow of NRE wore off) is that I am in this just for her hubby. I can understand this fear. But after a year of being together, she is trusting me more and more. Ive come out of a 24 year mono relationship, with a very jealous, prudish hubby, and I sometimes think I am too needy because of this. We all have stuff to work a WIP!!
Thankyou for all your comments.....any more would be greatly appreciated.
*hug* I don't think you are a fool. I think you are struggling here with people who aren't playing ball with you. Maybe it's too new in PolyLand for all of you at just a year in and you all do not know how. There's nothing wrong with pee wee league. We do not all start in the major leagues. The point is to actually make it to practices and GROW THE SKILLS.

You seem to be showing up for practice while they're playing hookie/avoidy a bit.

Take it to paper, hon. Play ball, people. If you want to be in RIGHT RELATIONSHIP to each other, play ball!

Print your answers in this thread, chop up your sentences. I'm sure you can color in more if you want to type more sentences. Dump on table. Sort in piles.


1) GF is the slowest speed. Dealing in jealousies and trust stuff now that the sex threesome becomes a full on romance triad + sex that is closeted, cohabitating, and coparenting.

2) You have unmet intimacy needs because you do not have a calendar schedule on the wall. Because you are not out, and have to lay low in day time, and because you have shift work, there needs to be planned time for connection between

  • you+ BF
  • you + GF
  • BF + GF,
  • you + BF+ GF fun times
  • and then you + BF + GF family meeting (calendar, daily chores, etc)

Organize your choppy sentences in piles like this:

YOUR feelings:
YOUR wants:
YOUR needs:
YOUR limits:
YOUR suggestions for solutions/compromises:

BF feelings:
BF wants:
BF needs:
BF limits:
BF suggestions for solutions/compromises:

GF feelings:
GF wants:
GF needs:
GF limits:
GF suggestions for solutions/compromises:

Once you do that, you can take a peek at where there is missing information. Plan to go GET IT from the people at the horse's mouth!

But do accountability check on the communication subproblems. Is everyone holding up their ends of the sticks? If you were in my world?

People in this polyship have:

  • The right to clear communication from partner
  • The right to expect support from partner
  • The right to be nurtured from partner
  • The right to get your needs met from partner
  • The right to responsiveness from partner
  • The right to constructive feedback from partner

People in this polyship are:

  • Responsible for knowing and stating your needs, wants and limits
  • Responsible for following through on promises
  • Responsible for your own and your partner's physical safety
  • Responsible for your own and your partner's emotional safety
  • Responsible for emergency preparedness
  • Responsible for caring for your own equipment/stuff

This 3 person polyship contains these relationships inside it. Hello, polymath! Are the rights and responsibilities held up high in EACH tier or what? Who is not holding their sticks well? Why? What can the polyship do to help improve that area? What can the INDIVIDUALS do to improve holding their own bag if they dropped a ball somewhere?

  • YOU to yourself as part of a polyship (vs some footloose single. What YOU do/do not do and behave like affects the polyship. You seem to get the needs and wants out, but shirk a bit on your hard limits. Get some firm in. You don't even seem to have soft limits well.)
  • You to GF
  • You to BF
  • You to (GF + BF) (<-- you seem to want to respect this to a point where you hurt your own needs. Respect, sure. bend over backward doormat, no)
  • You + GF + BF functioning as a triad (<-- reads as weak to me... still only a year in so perhaps growing? polyship infancy? First poly for you? Them?)

  • GF to herself (<-- is she owning and working on her trust, jealous stuff to move all rship forward or heel dragging? does she get the nurture support she needs to progress? )
  • GF to You
  • GF to BF (<-- do they have something going on you do not know that is causing spillover on YOU?)
  • GF to (you + BF) <-- she has a prob respecting this when you are trying to have alone time

  • BF to himself (sounds like he also emotional work avoidy. He gonna address that?)
  • BF to You (<-- he kind shirky on boundaries with GF telling her to step off when she cross lines interrupting your times)
  • BF to GF (<-- he kinda knuckles to her a lot. Is this enabling her to avoid her personal tier work?)
  • BF to (you + GF)
  • BF + GF+ You

You can fill in the blanks for yourself. I really don't expect you to post it here in public. But that's how I take it to paper, so to speak. It helps me see what's what in the links in the polyship chain, what is strong, what is weak, what needs beefing up, etc. I colored in what I perceive and I own that I could be wrong, guessing, whatever. It's just example -- for you to move it to what really is.

YOU after all, are the one living this with your polyship peeps.

Hang in there!

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just a bit of an update

Most of the ideas here we considered .... in the end a 3'' Memory foam seemed to work out best. it rolls up small enough to fit a rubbermaid container when not in use ...... it serves as a terrific play area and a comfortable place to sleep as well.
Beds, Sleeping, And Space

So I've been in a triad for close to 2 months now. My wife and I started seeing a fantastic, incredible woman, and everything has been fantastic. Our only problem is kind of minor, especially when I compare it to the rest of this forum.

Sleep overs are awesome, if only for those amazing mornings spent eating breakfast and snuggling. The only problem is the actual sleeping part.

We have a full/queen sized bed, me and my wife are smaller people, but our addition is like 6 feet+, and the bed gets very very tight and uncomfortable when its the three of us just laying down the bed. I was wondering if anyone had any tips. The current plan is that I take the far wall and wake up with massive back pains, but the other two get an ok sleep, but this seemed like a solvable problem to me, and I figured I'd ask some people with more experience.

So, tl;dr-Me and My Wife would like to have some comfortable sleep overs with our 6 foot+ tall third, how do we do that?