Sleeping Arrangements and Beds: Merged Threads, General Discussion

Well, you sound like you are in the ballpark, but let's break it down.

How would they show you that you are needed?

You want to be included in decision-making for the household?

Have a sharing of confidences first sometimes, instead of second?

Get assigned chores in the house, so you feel like it is your house too, and you aren't a "permanent guest"?

Have your time alone with each of them actually scheduled, and then honored, without the other one butting in (shy of a 911 emergency)?

What?

Keep going. You sound like you are on the right track.

Good luck,
GG
 
You may not want to hear these questions, but they are what persist in my head after reading through this thread:

You say it's your gf who keeps not wanting you to move out. With the challenges she seems to have, why is that? What is she getting out of you living there? I worry that, with 4 kids, she's found someone to help with the house and kids, keep her company if she's at home during the day, etc.

Also, this...
My bf does not want it that way. He feels that because of the love we have for each other he would find it too hard.
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... is a red flag to me. If I knew him I might be calling bullshit. I know there are closed triads, of course, but I find it interesting that in the current dynamics, you and she seem to be sharing him, more than anything. From what you've told us, I get an impression it's more a V, with him as the hinge, rather than a triad. This quote sounds pretty hypocritical to me, that you can be "brought in" to their relationship, but can't have any relationships of your own outside of them.
 
The main question that I found coming up for me as I read this was -- why a closed triad? If you're going to be in this inherently unequal situation, where you're a secret from family and friends, and you don't get the comfort of your partner with you at night -- why on earth can't you see somebody or somebodies on the side to fill the gap? It's really not cool for her to talk about you and him always wanting more, when the structure that's been set up prohibits you from having anything else. Whose idea was that, anyway?

It seems to me that, to some degree, she's still stuck in the mindset of thinking you are somehow not going to be a full person, with your own set of real and important needs. Maybe that sounds harsh, and as you know, there are things in my own situation that I am dissatisfied with, but at least my partners give me the freedom and equality to get my needs met where I can.
 
Whoops, just saw your post about it being your bf's idea to be closed. Not sure how I missed that. Still, I'm going to leave my post up, because I think it's worth noting, for the record, that I think he's being really unfair here. Why does he get two partners and you get only one (well, sort of one and a half, since it sounds like your relationship with your gf is much different from your relationship with him)? Because he loves you too much to share you? Well, you and his wife obviously love him very much and yet you are having to figure out how to share him. Would he really break if forced to do the same?

In your position, if I were going to ask for one thing, it would be to not to be a secret. That can really wear on someone, as time goes on. You deserve the freedom to live openly. Plenty of other people with kids manage to be out of the closet about poly. It's one thing to be closeted if you only have secondary partners, but when you have two primaries I think it's just too much to ask for one to live a lie.
 
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I'm going to play the devil's advocate here for just a sec. Some people don't like to be defined by who they sleep with. Does it work well in today's society? Not usually, but it might make them feel better to believe that they haven't contributed to the problem.

Also, some people do really stupid things when their worldview is threatened. There might be reasons within the OP's community why being out as poly isn't a great idea because of the cretins surrounding their household.

If the OP has had this forced upon her, then, yeah, not cool. However, as the partner of someone who volunteered to be the "underground" partner in our closed triad, some people don't want all of the trappings of a relationship in the public eye.
 
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Sleep Particulars

She can't sleep without him? That sounds a little childish. We are grown-ups. We are quite capable of sleeping alone. I assure you she will survive just fine.

Something to consider: I don't sleep very well in absolute quiet. If I don't have a fan or something creating steady white noise in the background my sleep suffers. I also like it cool, and rarely enjoy cuddling for more than a few minutes. Keep in mind that your partners are going to have their sleeping preferences, so to make things easier, perhaps take a closer look at what they are and see if you can make your den of sin a bit more comfortable for them.
 
To protect the kids from what?
 
Thank you so much for posting this thread. This is exactly what I was referring to in my post about jealousy and the third being the one who is cast aside. I have seen exactly this situation over and over, in both the poly and the swinging lifestyles over the last 25 years. I feel for you, honey.

Everyone is right about speaking up. The wife needs to suck it up and deal with it or you, my dear, need to exit stage left. One thing to keep in mind is that they are legal husband and wife, period. As long as they are married, she does have priority over you in every aspect of his life, including finances, regardless of who loves whom. You will NEVER be an equal in their lives.

To prove my point, if he were to have a fatal accident tomorrow, his wife would collect death benefits. You would get nothing and be left out in the cold, alone. I wish the entire institution of marriage would be done away with.

They can make you feel like an equal by getting a king-sized bed, etc. But in the end you are still the third wheel. This fact is something that you have to suck up and deal with. If you were someone who was more than a sexual partner, who out of convenience lived with them, then you would share their bed by their choice. As much as I would love to be a part of a triad, this is the very thing that makes me skittish as a single woman.
 
One other thing that I noticed in all of your posts was that there was no mention of the closeness between you and the wife. Everything seems to be centered around the husband's sexual desires of wanting his two women, and the wife's jealousy. This leads me to believe that she is only having sexual relations with you to appease his wants.

These are exactly the signs that I look for when I meet with a couple. If I do not get vibes from the woman who claims to be bi, I am out of there. Don't get me wrong. I have no problem being in a triad with the man being the hinge, if the woman is straight, as long as they are both honest about it. But any fool can tell when bisexual desire is being faked for someone else's benefit. Jealousy is the main sign that a person is only participating to please someone else.

IMO, he is also playing the victim. I am sure he is all torn up over the fact that he has two women in his home who both want to sleep beside him. :rolleyes:
 
To protect the kids from what?
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I can't answer for the OP. But (sigh...) I would imagine things like this, if you realize you are poly AFTER the kids come. It's always cleaner to sort it out, and BE out to family and friends before kids arrive, but that's not everyone's experience.

I've seen friends suffer the push-pull of warring family. They arrived at poly later in life. Some of my poly friends have relatives just IMPLODE at the news and then use the children as guilt trippage, as if the children did not have ears to hear their grandparents or other relatives blasting away. It's rough on the couple, but pre-kids you could deal, break ties, etc., and no little ears would be hurt or used in a war.

Post kids, with relatives who are mega-wigging-out, it puts the children in the middle of their loved ones. They have kid brains that don't understand it all. "Do I believe Mommy and Daddy, or Granny and Grandpa? Do I suck? Am I bad? Do people still love me?" Just awful. And what did the kids do? Nothing at all. What did the parents do? Nothing but try to have more love in their lives. Terrible. :(

GG
 
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BohemianMLHR81 said:
One other thing that I noticed in all of your posts was that there is no mention of the closeness between you and the wife. Everything seems to be centered around the husband's sexual desires of wanting his two women, and the wife's jealousy. This leads me to believe that she is only having sexual relations to appease him.
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I have definitely considered this, and I have talked about it to both of them. It has been a major concern for me, BUT only because for a few months she became very closed to me, she was really struggling with the change in her relationship. I'd go as far as to say she was grieving for what she'd lost.

But she also realises what she has gained in having me to love. When my gf lets herself go, releases herself to love me, she is the most amazing, loving and beautiful person. She was like this at the beginning. That was the main reason I fell for her. She has recently become that person again, and our relationship is really good again. We share a lot of time together. We are best friends, and we also share love and sex. She is MY first female lover. I have come a long way in the past year. So unless she is an extremely great actor, I like to hope she is not just in this to appease her hubby and keep him happy.
 
BohemianMLHR81 said:
IMO, he is also playing the victim. I am sure he is all torn up over the fact that he has two women in his home who both want to sleep beside him. :rolleyes:
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I can see how it could seem this way. But living in the situation, listening to their arguments, seeing the aftermaths of the arguments, seeing the strain and stress on his face and in his behaviour, and making the decision with him that I need to move out and on for my own peace of mind, sanity and self worth, I'd say he is often "all torn up" over the fact that he can't give me what I need, can't be there for me when I need him. I'd say that (although to the few men that do know about his relationship, it looks just great-- who wouldn't want 2 women loving and wanting him?), the realities of emotions and time commitments, and also a family of 4 boys, makes it not so rosy at times.
 
GalaGirl said:
I would imagine things like this, if you realize you are poly AFTER kids come. Do I suck? Am I bad? Do people still love me?"
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Exactly! We live in a small city, in a small country, with very small-minded people around us. Although my 2 older children, aged 16 and 18, know (because my daughter read my FB messages!), we all realise that if our extended family found out about why I am here, other than as a good friend, they wouldn't understand. And yes, the kids would likely get teased at school. It's hard to know, but we would likely have to shift away, which wouldn't be fair to my children. I would probably have to leave my 11-year old with his dad, and I don't think I could. So, yes, in a perfect, loving, open world, I would love to tell everyone. I would love to show others who my lovers are and show my affection publicly.

BTW, things are moving on with the sleeping arrangements. Gf is trying really hard. They both are. They know what I would like, and I know they are trying to make it better for me. Gf is really working on her issues. Her fear all along (once the rosy glow of NRE wore off) is that I am in this just for her hubby. I can understand this fear. But after a year of being together, she is trusting me more and more.

I've come out of a 24-year mono relationship, with a very jealous, prudish hubby, and I sometimes think I am too needy because of this. We all have stuff to work on. It's a WIP! LOL

Thank you for all your comments. Any more would be greatly appreciated.
 
*hugs* I don't think you are a fool. I think you are struggling here with people who aren't playing ball with you. Maybe it's too new in PolyLand for all of you, at just a year in, and you all do not know how. There's nothing wrong with Pee-Wee League. We do not all start in the major leagues. The point is to actually make it to practices and GROW THE SKILLS.

You seem to be showing up for practice while they're playing hooky, avoiding a bit. Take it to paper. If you want to be in RIGHT RELATIONSHIP to each other, play ball. Print your answers in this thread, chop up your sentences. I'm sure you can color in more if you want to type more sentences. Dump it on the table. Sort it in piles.

PROBLEMS

1) GF is going at the slowest speed, dealing in jealousies and trust stuff, now that the sex threesome has become a full-on romantic, sexual triad that is closeted, cohabitating, and coparenting.

2) You have unmet intimacy needs because you do not have a calendar schedule on the wall. Because you are not out, and have to lay low in the daytime, and because you have shift work, there needs to be planned time for connections between:

  • You+ BF
  • You + GF
  • BF + GF
  • You + BF+ GF for fun times
  • You + BF + GF for family meetings (calendar, daily chores, etc.)
Organize your chopped-up sentences in piles like this:

YOUR
feelings:
wants:
needs:
limits:
suggestions for solutions/compromises:

BF's
feelings:
wants:
needs:
limits:
suggestions for solutions/compromises:

GF's
feelings:
wants:
needs:
limits:
suggestions for solutions/compromises:

Once you do that, you can take a peek at where there is missing information. Plan to go get that from the people, from the horse's mouth.

Do an accountability check on the communication subproblems. Is everyone holding up their ends of the sticks?

If you were in my world, the people in this polyship would have the right to:

  • clear communication from their partner(s)
  • expect support from partner(s)
  • be nurtured by partner(s)
  • get their needs met by partner(s)
  • responsiveness from partner(s)
  • constructive feedback from partner(s)

People in this polyship are responsible for:

  • knowing and stating their needs, wants and limits
  • following through on their promises
  • their own and their partner(s)' physical safety
  • their own and their partner(s)' emotional safety
  • emergency preparedness
  • caring for their own equipment/stuff

This three-person polyship contains these relationships inside it. Hello, polymath! Are the rights and responsibilities held up high in EACH tier, or what? Who are not holding their sticks well? Why? What can the polyship do to help improve that area? What can the INDIVIDUALS do to improve holding their own bags if they've dropped a ball somewhere?


  • YOU to yourself as part of a polyship (vs a footloose single. What YOU do/don't do and how you behave affects the polyship. You seem to get the needs and wants out, but shirk a bit on your hard limits. Get some firm limits in place. You don't even seem to have soft limits well-stated.)
  • You to GF
  • You to BF
  • You to (GF + BF) (<-- You seem to want to respect this to the point where you hurt your own needs. Respect them? Sure. Bend over backwards like a doormat? No.)
  • You + GF + BF functioning as a triad (<-- This reads as weak to me. You're still only a year in, so perhaps you're still growing. You're in polyship infancy, first poly for you and them.)


  • GF to herself (<-- Is she owning and working on her trust, jealousy, to move all r'ships forward, or foot-dragging? Does she get the nurturing/support she needs to progress?)
  • GF to you
  • GF to BF (<-- Do they have something going on that you do not know about that is causing a spillover onto you?)
  • GF to (you + BF) (<-- She has a problem respecting this when you are trying to have alone time.)
  • GF+BF+you

  • BF to himself (sounds like he also avoids emotional work. Is he going to address that?)
  • BF to you (<-- He kinda shirks on boundaries with GF, not telling her to step off when she crosses lines and interrupts your times.)
  • BF to GF (<-- He kinda knuckles under to her a lot. Is this enabling her to avoid her personal tier work?)
  • BF to (you + GF)
  • BF + GF+ you

You can fill in the blanks for yourself. I really don't expect you to post it here in public. But that's how I take it to paper, so to speak. It helps me see what's what in the links in the polyship chain, what is strong, what is weak, what needs beefing up, etc. I colored in what I perceive and I own that I could be wrong, guessing, whatever. It's just example -- for you to move it to what really is.

After all, you are the one living this with your polyship peeps.

Hang in there. HTH.
GG
 
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Just a bit of an update. Most of the ideas here we considered. In the end, a 3" memory foam seemed to work out best. It rolls up small enough to fit into a Rubbermaid container when not in use. It serves as a terrific play area, and a comfortable place to sleep, as well.
 
Beds, Sleeping, And Space

I've been in a triad for close to two months now. My wife and I started seeing an incredible woman, and everything has been fantastic. Our only problem is kind of minor, especially when I compare it to the rest of this forum.

Sleepovers are awesome, if only for those amazing mornings spent eating breakfast and snuggling. The only problem is the actual sleeping part. We have a full/queen-sized bed. My wife and I are smaller people, but our addition is 6+ feet. The bed gets very very tight and uncomfortable when it's the three of us lying on the bed. Currently, I take the far wall and wake up with massive back pains. The other two get an ok sleep.

This seems like a solvable problem to me, and I figured I'd ask people with more experience. My wife and I would like to have some comfortable sleepovers with our 6' third. How do we do that?
 
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