Small-town ENM: balancing ex (co-parent) and new partner

[xatuuu]

Hi everyone, nice to meet you

I really need advice. I honestly don’t know what to do, so I’ll try to explain my situation as clearly as possible.

I’m coming out of a 15-year monogamous relationship with L — we have a 12-year-old child together. We used to live together in his hometown, a small town of around 50–60k people. He’s quite well-known here because of his family’s restaurant and his music career, and I’m strongly associated with him since I moved here 8 years ago to be with him (I’m originally from the capital).

Our relationship ended due to several things:

• I fell deeply in love with my coworker, E, and I proposed opening the relationship. L reacted very strongly against it, and I ended up moving out to live on my own
• I openly recognized that I’m polyamorous
• A strong and unavoidable need for autonomy and independence
• I had been unfaithful in the past, which made it very hard for L to trust me and left me carrying a lot of guilt
• External stress and depression on both sides

I moved out (we share custody of our child) but stayed in the same town, and I started a relationship with E.

An important detail: L and E had been very close friends since their teenage years. This obviously affected their friendship, and they eventually stopped interacting. We used to spend time together as a group before, we even made music together.

Later, L and I reconnected in a different way — a more relaxed, less pressured bond, but still mixed with attachment and codependency.

At that point, I started seeing both L and E separately. They were both aware of each other, but there were no agreements or commitments with either of them. This was my first real experience with ENM.

And that’s when the problems began.

In theory, I talked about relationship anarchy. But in practice, there was a clear imbalance between the relationships. My relationship with E was hidden from the public (mainly because of work), with no public displays of affection. Meanwhile, L is the father of my child, we have a 15-year history, and in this town everyone still sees us as a couple.

The difference was huge.

E started feeling insecure. L also felt insecure. So I decided to formalize things with both of them and close myself to new relationships, and I started drafting a kind of “agreement constitution.”

I tried to begin with public expressions of affection, but we couldn’t reach an agreement — they wanted different things. I wanted to be able to show affection to both of them publicly, but when I told L that someone we know had seen me publicly holding hands with E, he got very upset and said he felt exposed and didn’t want people in town knowing about his private life.

We never got past that first agreement. Nothing was actually defined.

I spent a lot of time reading and overthinking, trying to find the perfect formula that would satisfy both of them, but I couldn’t. Without realizing it, I fell into a dynamic of people-pleasing and impulsivity, and none of us were truly satisfied.

Then I went through an emotional crisis, mixed with personal issues and external pressure, and I decided to end things with E, even though it hurt deeply.

After the holidays, I also ended things with L to be fully single. But soon after, I naturally started reconnecting with both of them again. I genuinely enjoy spending time with each of them, and they both nourish me in different ways. There’s respect and a lot of love in both connections.

I decided not to show public affection with either of them.

Ideally, I would love to build something closer to a kitchen-table poly dynamic. L and E used to be very good friends, they are actually quite compatible, my child has a good relationship with both of them, and co-parenting in a broader sense feels possible to me — I feel it very deeply.

Right now, I guess we are closer to a “garden party” dynamic — for example, they both attended my birthday and shared space without any issues.

The problem now is that everything feels ambiguous. There are no clear agreements or commitments with either of them, because I’m afraid of limiting myself — and also afraid of going back into endless heavy conversations that led me into emotional burnout and even suicidal thoughts before.

E and I no longer work together and we see each other less. I became very emotionally dependent on him, and he started distancing himself and cutting communication intermittently, which caused me a lot of pain and triggered my anxious attachment.

Eventually, he explained that mutual friends (who know all three of us) had been telling him how good my relationship with L looks — how happy we seem together, showing him pictures, almost idealizing us… without knowing that E is also involved with me. He started feeling like an outsider, like he was in the way, and that he should step aside.

So E ended things with me. He told me that as long as I’m still involved with L, he can’t move forward, and that he needs to step away. I’m still heartbroken.

This hurts deeply because I’m madly in love with E. I want to see him, hold him, share my life with him. But I struggle with his inconsistency — the way he can suddenly disappear emotionally, especially when I need him the most. That creates a lot of insecurity for me.

At the same time, I’m not willing to offer him exclusivity or stop seeing L. I trust L deeply, we know each other well, and we are a strong support system for each other.

I don’t know how to handle this situation.

Some of my friends say I should be alone for a while. But I want to have both of them in my life. I love them deeply, and both relationships feel meaningful and nourishing to me.

I do understand my responsibility in all of this — the lack of clear agreements, the ambiguity, avoiding difficult conversations. I still hope it’s possible to create agreements that work for everyone, especially for what I need.

But I feel very confused. The small-town context, where everyone knows each other, makes it extremely hard to find a way where everyone feels comfortable.

I’ve even thought about “officially” announcing that I’m no longer with L and presenting E as my partner publicly, but I’m not sure. It adds more confusion.

I really need advice on how to move forward. I feel lost. I know I might need to be alone for a while, but I also feel certain that I want to share my life with both of them — I just don’t know how.

Thank you so much for reading this far <3

 

[Magdlyn]

I feel your pain. The sad fact is that coming out as polyamorous to all is pretty much impossible for some people, whether it's because of the demands of employment, or, in your case, a small, probably conservative town, with little tolerance for "eccentric" people.

L is a public figure and feels under enormous social pressure to fit in as a monogamous man and father. E wants to be recognized, but unfortunately, it seems like he would be recognized as a homewrecker by many, probably, under the circumstances.

Polyamory and other open relationships are growing in popularity and acceptance, but that's more in liberal cities than in small town puritanical America. Just like queer people, we can feel more open and comfortable in coastal cities (and their suburbs): NY, Boston, Miami, LA, San Francisco, the Pacific Northwest areas near Portland and Seattle, or even Chicago and Minneapolis.

I don't know what you can do besides stay in the closet and avoid PDAs, while only being out to your closest friends.

 

[Tinwen]

I do understand my responsibility in all of this — the lack of clear agreements, the ambiguity, avoiding difficult conversations. I still hope it’s possible to create agreements that work for everyone, especially for what I need.

Actually, I think you don't take full responsibility yet.
Your responsibility is to make a decision. You've been back and forth with both partners, especially with E.

I’ve even thought about “officially” announcing that I’m no longer with L and presenting E as my partner publicly, but I’m not sure. It adds more confusion.

I think it would actually really simplify things to make it known that you are no longer a partner of L (dating E or not). Reading your post I thought all along you should do it. It's comprehensible to everyone. You moved out. You are coparents.
Think about it! Not only YOU have the freedom to seek whatever partners (be it just E or multiple people, public or not) without compromising L's public image and business, but now L is also free to seek a new partner. It may hurt if he finds someone monogamous and doesn't want to be your lover any more, but that's the price for leaving a marriage - which you already did. It's really the best future he can have, a gift you give him - the freedom to be plain coparents rather than a secondary to someone you love more.
And if you make space in your life for E in this way and he wants to date you again as your poly-partner or primary, it's also the best possible outcome for your new relationship.

 

[xatuuu]

Hi Magdlyn, nice to meet you

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply, I truly appreciate it .

I feel your pain. The sad fact is that coming out as polyamorous to all is pretty much impossible for some people, whether it's because of the demands of employment, or, in your case, a small, probably conservative town, with little tolerance for "eccentric" people.

It is, in fact, a conservative, quite sexist and religious town, located in South America.

Twice a drunk man has cornered me in the street and tried to grope me. Despite this, it's a fairly safe place and most people are friendly, and very gossipy.

E wants to be recognized, but unfortunately, it seems like he would be recognized as a homewrecker by many, probably, under the circumstances.

This is a very good point. Perhaps I should wait a while, or find a way to guide the narrative without E seeming like a homewrecker.

Polyamory and other open relationships are growing in popularity and acceptance, but that's more in liberal cities than in small town puritanical America. Just like queer people, we can feel more open and comfortable in coastal cities (and their suburbs): NY, Boston, Miami, LA, San Francisco, the Pacific Northwest areas near Portland and Seattle, or even Chicago and Minneapolis.

I decided to stay in this town so as not to separate my daughter from her father, and I have developed a long territorial work in the area since I moved here, in my professional field.

And I understand that in the capital everything would be easier and more anonymous, but I don't see myself changing the location while my daughter is still in school.

I don't know what you can do besides stay in the closet and avoid PDAs, while only being out to your closest friends.

I believe this is my only alternative for now, as long as L and E want to continue bonding with me.

I guess I need to define which my circle of close friends is, and they should define theirs.

 

[xatuuu]

Actually, I think you don't take full responsibility yet.
Your responsibility is to make a decision. You've been back and forth with both partners, especially with E.

Nice to meet you Tinwen , thank you for reading and replying to me, I really appreciate it

I agree with you, I'm not taking the responsibility at all. I have ADHD and usually end burned by overthinking about which is the right way to do this, and that's precisely the reason why I came to this forum, so I can get better and make things right. I appreciate your honesty.

I think it would actually really simplify things to make it known that you are no longer a partner of L (dating E or not). Reading your post I thought all along you should do it. It's comprehensible to everyone. You moved out. You are coparents.

Yeah, we've done it, but we get so along that people get confused and doesn't believe us

Think about it! Not only YOU have the freedom to seek whatever partners (be it just E or multiple people, public or not) without compromising L's public image and business, but now L is also free to seek a new partner. It may hurt if he finds someone monogamous and doesn't want to be your lover any more, but that's the price for leaving a marriage - which you already did. It's really the best future he can have, a gift you give him - the freedom to be plain coparents rather than a secondary to someone you love more.

I understand, and we're both aware that this can happen. If L finds someone monogamous and wants to build a future with her, I understand and accept it. I'm not restricting or holding back in any way. I've just acted naturally, based on what comes naturally to me. I'm very emotional, and we love each other very much, so I don't feel the need to restrict myself emotionally (in private, obviously).

I couldn't say that L is a secondary relationship I love less. The contexts are very different between L and E. With L, we know each other very well and can rely on one another. However, a lot has happened through this 15 years, and there are some aspects that would make me never return to our previous relationship structure, nor to living together again. With E, we still experience the NRE, and he complements me in many ways I hadn't experienced before. He's the most tender person I've ever met, and we have a mesmerizing synchronicity that sometimes makes me question science itself. But I still don't know E that well, never as well as I know L, so when he acts inconsistently I feel very insecure.

And if you make space in your life for E in this way and he wants to date you again as your poly-partner or primary, it's also the best possible outcome for your new relationship.

I understand that removing L from the formula could simplify things, however, this is my attempt to do it differently, to try, in an ethical and respectful way, to be able to connect with both, and if it doesn't work, well, then I will have to be more decisive and drastic or simply be alone.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Xatu,

It sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. You need E and L, but E will not be with you unless you break up with L. Perhaps the thing to do is to sit down with them, and explain that you need both of them in your life. Open up a dialog, as it were. What about the idea of letting it be publicly known that you are polyamorous? I know that was a sticking point with L. Would the three of you (and your child) consider moving to a bigger city? one where polyamory was more accepted? I am just spitballing here.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

I couldn't say that L is a secondary relationship I love less.

I'm sorry, I should not have assumed that on a poly board. I understand the intricacies of old vs. new. But your description of moving out because of the new partner somehow made me feel this is the case.

I was not suggesting you cut L off entirely, just that your public image could be in line with a 'coparent' relationship. That way you can be public about E, which, I understand, is more or less his condition for continuing to date you.

It would be of course best if you could just be out, but I understand that is out of question because of both your and L's work.

There's also the fine art of just not explaining oneself. If people don't believe you are exes because you 'get along too well', you could just let them gossip.
If people are unsure about your status but it lasts several years, they kinda get used to it and just shrug it off as general weirdness.
Most people will never ask about your relationship status directly, and the ones that ask usually don't want to hear the details anyway, so it's just "yes, I love both E and the father of my kids, and we get along". Nobody needs to know if there is sex. I'm not giving a detailed explanation to my landlord, why should I?

 

[xatuuu]

You need E and L, but E will not be with you unless you break up with L. Perhaps the thing to do is to sit down with them, and explain that you need both of them in your life. Open up a dialog, as it were.

Hi Kevin thank you so much for reading and replying .

Technically I don't need them in my life, I could work it out without L and E, the thing is that I don't want to.

And I think is too soon to sit down with both of them, they tolerated themselves in my birthday party and that's the furthest I've ever gone. I know I have to sit down with each, so we can talk about what can we offer, the limits and non-negotiables, is scaaary.

What about the idea of letting it be publicly known that you are polyamorous?

That's what I want, I am not ashamed of my relational orientation and I believe it is something that needs to be seen.

What’s holding me back is the fear that my daughter might face discrimination, that people might say negative things about me or her, and that I could be rejected or criticized, and especially L’s discomfort, since we live in his (and E’s) hometown.

Would the three of you (and your child) consider moving to a bigger city? one where polyamory was more accepted?

That’s not possible right now, mainly because of L’s work and because my daughter still has five years of school ahead of her. She already has her group of friends and her sports team, and I don’t want to take that away from her.

Regards
Xatu

 

[xatuuu]

I was not suggesting you cut L off entirely, just that your public image could be in line with a 'coparent' relationship. That way you can be public about E, which, I understand, is more or less his condition for continuing to date you.

It would also give L the chance to meet new people and explore other relationships, since people tend not to approach him because they assume we’re still together. On top of that, local dynamics don’t really encourage others to approach him.

It would be of course best if you could just be out, but I understand that is out of question because of both your and L's work.

And because I feel I should protect my daughter from negative things people might say about her, about me, or about her father.

There's also the fine art of just not explaining oneself. If people don't believe you are exes because you 'get along too well', you could just let them gossip.
If people are unsure about your status but it lasts several years, they kinda get used to it and just shrug it off as general weirdness.
Most people will never ask about your relationship status directly, and the ones that ask usually don't want to hear the details anyway, so it's just "yes, I love both E and the father of my kids, and we get along". Nobody needs to know if there is sex. I'm not giving a detailed explanation to my landlord, why should I?

I really like what you’re saying—it gives me an immediate sense of relief. It makes a lot of sense, and I think it might be the best approach. This has been going on for a while, and I’ve never really received any negative treatment or comments from people. I might be overthinking it a bit.

Regards
Xatu

 

[Tinwen]

It would also give L the chance to meet new people and explore other relationships, since people tend not to approach him because they assume we’re still together. On top of that, local dynamics don’t really encourage others to approach him.

Exactly my point. If you're going to let yourself be seen as polyamorous (or in a new relationship), talk to L about his preference being public with you or not
His options are still going to be limited by continuing a poly relationship with you, but less limited than if people assume "married and monogamous".

 

[Magdlyn]

This is not a simple problem. But I am glad you, Xatu, have never actually gotten a negative comment or negative treatment! I was concerned after you said you are in a conservative area of S America, that you suffer under an extremely patriarchal culture, where most people, men and women, come firmly down on the side of monogamy, and the authority of men is accepted, and the subordination of women is accepted.

There are different "rules" for different configurations. Two women living together long-term? As long as they keep the PDAs to a minimum, if they are raging lesbians behind closed doors, no one cares. Their kids could even talk about the women sharing a bed and not get that much flack. But they are "just women," single, not owned by any man, so no property damage is being done, no man is feeling like a cuckold and getting teased by other males.

Likewise, if a man is seriously attractive, and has half the women of the neighborhood climbing in and out of his bedroom windows every night, no one cares much, especially if he's big, and muscular, and generous with his beer with other men. He's actually a hero!

But for a woman to have two male lovers-- that upsets the monogamous or polygynous apple cart very badly.

I happen to live in one of the three states in the US with the best quality of life, Massachusetts. We vote Democrat. We have the best education, the best birth rates, the best healthcare, the highest median income in the country. We are happy leftie progressive snowflakes. We were the second state to legalize same sex marriage. But not far away, next state over, Upstate NY, it might as well be the Deep South or much of the Midwest. The patriarchy has people firmly in its grip. Men and women have a huge barrier between them. It's really the "battle of the sexes," as if it were still the 1950s. Women and men accept that they basically are at odds. They often hate each other, but need each other sexually and economically.

One of my current partners and my ex-husband are both from this area, so I've gotten to know members of their families and towns, and heard all the horror stories of double standards and abuse. I actually lived there for 18 months and it was a nightmare for me. I've seen the women dumb themselves down, learn to keep their mouths shut. I've observed how their pastors' words are taken as gospel on all sorts of things they have no right to rule upon. I've seen how they are against a college education, or getting therapy. I've seen women in typical religious cults wearing long dresses, head coverings, and feeling sexual guilt if they so much as look at a man. (There are Amish, Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons galore there.) But even mainstream people, even the more liberal, still suffer under this system.

All that as background to say, you're lucky you've never gotten face-to-face criticism or actual bad treatment. Maybe the patriarchal views are expressed differently in your area. Maybe you've been circumspect enough, vague enough, to keep people guessing. Maybe though, just the fears of all three of you are enough. The damage has been done enough to keep you up at night and fear for your daughter's safety. It must be, or you wouldn't be here seeking a better solution.

 

[GalaGirl]

I can see this is hard for you. You have broken up twice with both of them, but keep drifting back. Maybe it is time to stop the drift, and develop stronger boundaries?

E has ended things. He set a limit for himself: as long as you are involved with L, he cannot continue dating you. That’s his boundary, and it’s fair for him to have it. Living in a small town, he also has to navigate gossip, and he doesn’t want to be a “secret boyfriend.”

I think your friends are right. You could be alone for a while and not date anyone. Give yourself some time to get to know yourself on your own. Don't date either one. Give yourself time to fully heal and gain clarity. Take a page from E's book. Instead of people-pleasing, and trying to do all this relationship management to reduce other people's ambiguity, make some firm decisions for your own self. Reduce the ambiguity for yourself.

• E is not your boyfriend anymore. He ended it. He is your plain ex. So don't talk or hang out.
• End it with L. L is not your boyfriend anymore. He is your plain ex. Other than coparenting things, don't talk or hang out.
  • He doesn't really want polyamory, and you deserve to be more than his "placeholder" until he finds someone to be monogamous with.
  • Being involved with you may be actually be holding him back from moving on. If he's monogamous and you are not, is it kind of you to take up his one "sweetie spot"? Are you making things confusing for him?

After time to really heal from the break-ups, say 6-12 months, then you can see if you can maintain strong boundaries with each one and change from "plain exes" to something else, if people want it.

You could see if you can change to exes and friends and also coparents with L, or if it is best left as plain exes, and coparents as needed.

You could see if you can change to exes and friends with E, or it is best left as plain exes.

I know I might need to be alone for a while, but I also feel certain that I want to share my life with both of them, I just don’t know how.

Gently, it's not just you who gets a vote. I get you want a poly V that's KTP, but they might not be up for that. You might not get it with these people.

L gets to decide what kind of relationship he can offer you and is okay with. Honestly? You two sound like you're dragging out a break-up. You sound like you got legally divorced, but keep falling back into old dynamics, which you recognize as unhealthy.

E gets to decide what kind of relationship he can offer you and is okay with. Right now, E has broken up with you. Let him be.

I still hope it’s possible to create agreements that work for everyone, especially for what I need.

Gently, I think that you are in the bargaining stage of grief. E has ended things. You are trying to rearrange the puzzle pieces to make it work anyway. Kind of like, "Noooo! Say it isn't so!" When someone tells you "no," the respectful thing to do is respect their no the first time, and not push.

I’ve even thought about “officially” announcing that I’m no longer with L, and presenting E as my partner publicly, but I’m not sure.

That's not going to get E to come back. He has already broken up with you. It may ding any chances of you being exes and friends later if you put him in that kind of awkward spot. It may also ding any chances of you getting back together romantically later. It might even ding your chances of being decent "plain exes" who just wave or nod if you cross paths in town. It's better to be calm and peaceful plain exes than wacko exes who look daggers at each other and do weird things. It's a small town!

L might not appreciate this "official announcement" either, since he values his privacy and doesn't want his business broadcast about town, "officially" or otherwise. He doesn't want to be "out" as poly as a public figure.

Don't make it weird for your school kid either. Parents gossip, the kids overhear, and then what? Your kid has to deal with the other kids talking about you.

Listen to your friends. SLOW DOWN and be on your own for a while.

If this has been really confusing and heavy on you, you might consider talking to a poly counselor to help you process this break up with E, what you want to do about L, and how you want to date in this small town moving forward. Or if you plan to move eventually. Maybe www.polyfriendly.org helps you find an online counselor you can work with.

I hope this get better for you.

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

Um, right. I missed the "as long as I'm involved with L" part, and thought the breakup was conditional on being closeted, but maybe it's final.

Xatu, can you clarify your current status with E? Did you talk about if he would or would not date you if you could be out? Even if so, did you talk about if he is up for polyamory? Because if E is essntially monogamous, there's no future there.

Unless, of course, your being "poly" is conditional on being poly with these two men specifically. Maybe you are up for monogamy after all.
But this?

But I struggle with his inconsistency — the way he can suddenly disappear emotionally, especially when I need him the most. That creates a lot of insecurity for me.

Doesn't sound great.

 

[xatuuu]

Hi everyone, I’ve been away from the forum for a few days because I stopped receiving email notifications and just noticed your replies.

Thank you so much for taking the time to try to help me, without expecting anything in return. That truly means a lot. I’ll do my best to engage thoughtfully in this space. I’m going to take some time to deeply reflect on what you’ve shared, as I have a lot to process. I’ll also take the time to respond to your messages, I genuinely appreciate it.

That said, it was hard for me to receive questions about my relational orientation in this space. I am polyamorous, and I have always been. It is part of my nature. Understanding and expressing it has been a long journey, it took me about 10 years to come out, from the moment The Ethical Slut book came into my hands. From the moment I learned the word “polyamory,” I knew. I had always dreamed of this way of relating, yet I used to judge myself harshly, wondering, “what is wrong with me?”, and feeling deeply misunderstood.

I have a profound respect for the philosophy of ethical non-monogamy, not only because of my preferences and desires, but also because of how transformative it is to learn to relate in this way. For me, it also carries a political dimension: a challenge to compartmentalized relationship structures. I truly believe that polyamory can be a path toward building resilient, expansive communities, capable of transforming much more than just our personal lives.

I know there’s a long road ahead, but i’m here for it, this is just the beginning .

Regards
Xatu

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm glad you checked back in. Sorry you weren't getting notifications. Those things can be spotty.

I know you're in S America, not Spain, but have you ever seen the fictional movie Vicki Christina Barcelona? It takes place in Spain and it's about polyamory. (It was written/directed by Woody Allen, which is also problematic, but if you can separate the artist from their art, it's a really good movie, imo.)

 

[Tinwen]

That said, it was hard for me to receive questions about my relational orientation in this space. I am polyamorous, and I have always been. It is part of my nature. Understanding and expressing it has been a long journey. Ot took me about 10 years to come out, from the moment The Ethical Slut came into my hands. From the moment I learned the word “polyamory,” I knew. I had always dreamed of this way of relating, yet I used to judge myself harshly, wondering, “What is wrong with me?” and feeling deeply misunderstood.

I have a profound respect for the philosophy of ethical non-monogamy, not only because of my preferences and desires, but also because of how transformative it is to learn to relate in this way. For me, it also carries a political dimension: a challenge to compartmentalized relationship structures. I truly believe that polyamory can be a path toward building resilient, expansive communities, capable of transforming much more than just our personal lives.

I know there’s a long road ahead, but I’m here for it. This is just the beginning.

I didn't mean to question you. I just wasn't clear from your writing that you felt strongly about being polyamorous. If it's an activist thing for you like that, that might shift your approach much more towards being "out," despite the risks.

Many people do learn they are capable of poly through falling in love, but choose monogamy eventually. IMHO, polyamory is a choice for most, and an orientation for just a few.

 

[xatuuu]

Hey beautiful community!!

I'm here to update you about my situation with L and E, and my own reflections through these weeks.

GalaGirl's words resonated deeply inside me. I didn’t know the concept of the “bargaining stage of grief”, and that’s exactly what I was doing... with L.

With L, we love each other deeply.... but we’ve been going through this breakup process for a long time... honestly, I could trace it back to 2018, when we both were unfaithful and the trust between us broke in a way that was never fully repaired. Since then, I often felt trapped in his world.

When I moved out and started living alone, our relationship actually improved a lot. Having separate spaces and autonomy made everything feel lighter, every moment we shared became intentional and voluntary, and that made it feel more special to me.

But even then, I couldn’t stop thinking about this dilemma.

After a lot of reflection, I realized it was time to have an honest conversation. I reached out to him and asked some important questions about his feelings, his needs, and his boundaries.

From that conversation, a few things became very clear:

• He experiences strong insecurity and emotional distress when imagining me being involved with other people.
• Being with someone who is also involved with others makes him feel deeply unsafe, and he does not want to go through that again.
• He has already emotionally positioned himself as single, and does not want to rebuild a committed relationship with me.
• While he still loves me deeply, he clearly said he is not willing to keep hurting himself trying to adapt to something that doesn’t work for him.
• Most importantly, he told me directly that he is not available for a polyamorous relationship and does not want to accept what it involves.

At the same time, he was open to maintaining a connection in a lighter, non-committed way, something more casual, without expectations or responsibilities. He described what we’ve had recently as something pleasant, but temporary.

That was hard to hear, but also clarifying....

So the conclusion I reached is that, even though there is still love between us, we are fundamentally incompatible in terms of relationship structure.

He needs emotional exclusivity to feel safe, and I know that I am not able, nor willing, to offer that.

Realizing this helped me understand that what I was doing wasn’t “trying to make things work”, it was trying to negotiate something that simply isn’t compatible.

After that conversation with L, I kept thinking a lot about what he said. At the same time, I had been almost a month without direct contact with E, although we exchanged small signals that we missed each other.

And I realized something important: I missed E deeply. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, and I started to recognize that I genuinely want to explore building a relationship with him.

That realization led me to study and reflect more about relationships, especially about how to build something stable. I started to understand that if I truly want to build something real with E, it cannot start from chaos or emotional overlap. It needs a foundation: trust, emotional safety, and clarity before involving other people.

At the same time, I also became very aware that with L, there is no real path forward in that direction. We feel very good together in the moment, when we cuddle, kiss, have sex, and sleep together, but afterward there is always a lingering feeling that something is off. A sense that we are comforting each other, but not being fully aligned with ourselves or with what we actually want.

And the truth is, what we want is not compatible.

From what I know about E and from our past conversations, I don’t believe his insecurity comes from the idea of me being with other people. It seems to come more from feeling secondary, hidden, or not having a clear and legitimate place in my life.

So I made a decision:

• to stop extending the emotional loop with L
• to set clear boundaries with him
• and to transition from a confusing sexual/romantic dynamic into a more defined relationship based on co-parenting and mutual care

This has not been easy. When I talked to him about it and asked if we could be friends, he told me he didn’t think it would be easy for him, especially if I am with someone else. I understood that. I also told him that I have intentions of exploring something with E.

He accepted it. It has been sad for both of us, but also surprisingly calm. We still interact through our shared responsibilities and because I work at his restaurant on weekends, and so far we’ve been able to relate respectfully.

At the same time, I recently saw E again after almost a month without seeing each other.

I have not told E about my intentions yet. I don’t want to create expectations before I know if I can actually sustain what I’m trying to build. Right now, I feel I need to prove to myself that I can hold my boundaries with L and understand whether I am truly ready for a committed relationship.

But the encounter with E was very meaningful. We talked, laughed, caught up, and spent time together in a very natural way. There was closeness again, and also physical intimacy.

What I felt was a mix of things:

• a deep sense of peace
• a sense of connection that feels different from the chaos I’ve been in
• and at the same time, fear

Fear of questions like:

• “What if I can’t sustain this?”
• “What if I can’t follow through with what I want to build?”

And also a lot of social anxiety started to appear:

Thinking about what it would mean for this relationship to be visible.... meeting his friends, his family, and being seen by people in our shared social environment. I realize that many of my fears about this are bigger in my mind than in reality, but they still feel very intense.

I know you will probably tell me that I should stay single for a while, and honestly… I know that’s probably true. But I have always followed my heart, and it is very hard for me to go against it. In fact, that is probably exactly what brought me to this point.

At the same time, I also see things more clearly now, if I do end up wanting to build something with E, and if he wants that too, I think I would want it to start as a visible and closed relationship. Not because I suddenly stopped being polyamorous, but because I can see that if we want something real and stable, we would first need to build the foundations of trust, safety, and communication between us.

If that foundation was truly built, then yes, in the future, I would still want to open the relationship. But only after we had actually built those foundations together, if we can.

So right now, I feel like I’m standing in a very delicate place... between what I desire, what I’m learning, and what I still need to prove to myself before moving forward.

Thank you so much for reading me and for holding this space

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Xatu,

Thanks for updating us on your situation. It sounds like you are shifting away from a relationship with L, and shifting toward a relationship with E, although that transition is incomplete at the moment, and there are probably details to work out. Don't rush anything, take it one step at a time. I hope Polyamory.com can continue to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

That sounds great! I understand the sadness, but you're definitely making a step forward.

At the same time, I also see things more clearly now, if I do end up wanting to build something with E, and if he wants that too, I think I would want it to start as a visible and closed relationship. Not because I suddenly stopped being polyamorous, but because I can see that if we want something real and stable, we would first need to build the foundations of trust, safety, and communication between us.

If that foundation was truly built, then yes, in the future, I would still want to open the relationship. But only after we had actually built those foundations together, if we can.

Just make sure to get as clear about those expectations with E as you did with L right now, and keep those discussions going on every now and then. Preferences will change.

________

I know some polyamory resources recommend building a closed relationship first, but personally, I find it dangerous to grant exclusivity, than take it away.

I mean, this is my theory, not real experience, but WHEN would you do it? Roughly at the two years' mark - a time when NRE has worn off, the relationship feels 'secure' yet a little less exciting, the need to date others naturally reemerges? Wouldn't that be extra threatening to a partner - to see your lovey-dovey look for them fade for two reasons at once - the natural end of NRE *and* someone new in their lives?

If I were to date anew with the intention to build a polyamorous relationship, I would actually want our foundation to include SOME non-monogamy early on. Maybe not another committed relationship. Just some opportunities for us to experience the other intimately meeting others, so that it's a "normal" part of our functioning and communication. Play parties, kinky dates, tantric seminars, commet relationships that come and go, maybe a threesome... platonic, yet very emotionally close frienships on the other end of the spectrum... I actually think the exploration phase is important in figuring out what you two want from a non-monogamous relationship, and I see no reason for it not to overlap with the NRE phase which helps you get over some mistakes and misunderstandings more smoothly.

But that is my preference. Yours could be different. Plus, you've been through a lot of instability with E, so I can totally see why you would both crave more stability now.
I just want to share my thoughts about what I see as a possible pitfall and maybe a remnant of monogamous conditioning.

 

[Magdlyn]

I agree with everything Tinwen said. Also related to offering a closed, "mono for now" relationship to E is your admittance that you were/are feeling codependent, overly emotionally and anxiously attached to him. So you might cling too tightly to him now, especially as you grieve moving on from L. But as a couple years go by (assuming you two do keep dating), you might feel less anxiously attached to E, more trusting, and ready to branch out again.

Is E even interested in polyamory for himself at all? Or does he actually want monogamy permanently with you? It's not clear.