So it begins...

StumblingAlong

StumblingAlong

New member
So last time I was here, about 4 and a half years ago, I was in a triad as the unicorn. We ended the relationship on somewhat ok terms. I was also in the middle of a nasty divorce. My husband and I reconciled and in the time since have put in tons of work on our marriage. We have had some rough spots but things are actually really good now.

Here is where I need some advice. A woman I met "T" knows I am bi. I don't hide it, but I don't blast it everywhere to everyone. She has mentioned that she has been interested in trying a 3some. She actually mentioned it to me in casual friendly conversation about things we would like to try at least once. I think because she knows I am bi she felt comfortable telling me because it's not something I have heard her even come close to mentioning to anyone else and she is fairly private.

My husband and I have not been looking to add anyone to our relationship or create individual romantic relationships with others. However, we both admit there is an attraction to T for both of us. I have spent time getting to know her and my husband has taken her on a couple of short 20 or 30 minute motorcycle rides as she had never ridden one before and it was a bucket list item for her after surviving cancer.

Well acting on mine and my husband's mutual attraction and her interest in a 3some and curiosity in being with a woman. I let her know that if she was interested in testing those waters with us we were interested as well. She made it known she is interested and we began talking about it and figuring out where everyone's comfort level is and what would be a no go. I am concerned about her comfort in this matter because my husband and I are not new to this and have discussed it at length we know where we draw the line. This is all new to her and she is not 100% sure on what she will and won't be comfortable with. I get that, and the second she says she is done or can't handle something everything stops. I will not make her feel pressured by either of us.

I have wondered what if she enjoys it and it works for all 3 of us. Is it a one and done deal or would it become a FB every now and then type thing. She knows we don't want a full blown romantic relationship but would consider an every now and then type arrangement. I'm also at a loss of , as crazy as it will sound, flirt and build anticipation because that is not something I have really had to do in quite a while. I'm the hinge in this whatever it is we are doing so I want to be sure both are quite satisfied with things.
 
I'm not exactly sure what you're hoping we can do for you. It basically sounds like you just need to sit down and share your insecurities, tell her what you're hoping will happen, and then just sorta jump in and go from there.
 
That is what I needed or at least something along those lines. I don't want to over analyze this to the point she no longer even wants to try it. However, I do want to take it seriously enough that she doesn't do it expecting one thing and leaves feeling used or rejected because she got something other than expected. I know I'm probably over analyzing it. I just know from past mistakes that feelings can get hurt quickly and easily.

I guess there is also a good bit of nervousness happening for me also. She is new to us, and this is new to her. I want to flirt and build anticipation but amazingly I'm shy about it. That's never been a problem for me in the past.

My head is all over the place and I can't get it to slow down and quit running in over drive.
 
You don't have to overthink it or overtalk it, but you do have to talk about some things so you feel safe enough/comfortable enough.

Could ask her if this is a one off for her or a "try and see" if more could happen. Like FWB or something else.

Define activities that are in the shallow end of the swimming pool for you, and what's on the deep end of the swimming pool for you. Then stick to the "swimming in pool area" in the first encounter. Nobody tries to jump out to swim in the ocean.

For example, if you feel best keeping this first time on the shallow side of the pool... Could ask to limit the first interaction to making out. No more than shirts off. Hands stay outside of clothes. Because if YOU are worried about regrets or whatever, perhaps you would rather have a good make out date and look forward to more later so the first experience is positive. Or if it goes meh, perhaps it is easier to digest regretting a 3 way make out than regretting full on sex. You could say that's as far as YOU want to go the first time out.

Could also agree to use "colors" during the encounter if people initially consent but then need to change their minds. "Colors" are a fast way to convert that.

  • Green = good to go
  • Yellow = ok, but proceed with caution
  • Red = stop to check in. Maybe continue, maybe stop.
  • Black/mayday = Abort mission. Full stop NOW.

You might want to look at the sheets.

Especially http://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Open-Relationship-Checklist-OU.pdf. If you cannot think of what you want/do not want to happen, you could fill it out for yourself to clarify to yourself what is shallow end of the pool, what is deep end of the pool and what's off the table in a first encounter. Share those parameters with your two threesome potential. Expect them to respect your limits. Expect them to state theirs. Negotiate.

Do the planning, then go swimming.

If it is fun, have another date.

If it is not fun, call it an experience and don't do it again.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi StumblingAlong,

Sounds like you have a balancing act ahead of you. You have to balance your interests/expectations with hers, and you have to balance the talking with her that you need to do against what would be too much talking. Perhaps the thing to do is to decide what's the minimum amount of talking you could feel comfortable with, and do that. If she wants to do more talking she can let you know.

My best wishes to you on a threesome that turns out well.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
And so it begins...

Last night I posted regarding a possible 3some with someone I met and got to know over the last several months. T is interested in us and we are interested in her. Last night I had some worries but didn't quite know what all they were other than her and how she would handle having a 3some since she has not had one before. Now, I know and remember full well why my husband and I have not attempted additional relationships to our existing one.

This evening my husband shared with me some conversation they have had. I agreed he could talk to her as he wished. Them talking doesn't bother me. It gives them a chance to see how they may or may not get along. Something got mentioned about one on one play between T and my husband "V". It makes me uncomfortable but not something I haven't dealt with before and couldn't deal with now. When V was ask about one on one play between me and T he balked at the idea. He can not handle in any way shape or form the idea of me and another having individual time. He quickly stated that we don't do play without the other there.

It's been 2 days since a possibility of a 3some was mentioned. Nothing was mentioned or lead to in the original conversation about anything individual outside of the friendship that was formed months ago. It's something that came up in conversation today between them. Now V is not really panicking, but concerned this could turn into more than a 1 and done of FWB type arrangement.

About 5 years ago we were swinging and ended up in a relationship with the other couple. V and I split and began a nasty divorce that didn't come to fruition because we reconciled. While split I was in a triad with the other couple. His mind is going back to that and them and already making what if comparisons with this potential 3some that hasn't even happened yet. While we were together in the relationship with the other couple he had serious issues/insecurities if I hung out with her (our mutual interest) without him even if nothing was goingon except hanging out like friends. T and I have been friends for months. I plan to continue being friends no matter the outcome of the 3some. The friendship comes first where she and I are concerned, and the novelty of the experience of her 1st 3some and 1st time with a woman somewhere after that. Where V and I are concerned my marriage is most important because he will always be there, even if she and our friendship are not. I will respect him, his feelings and wishes, but maintaining a friendship will be difficult if he flips out every time she and I are around each other.

I just got rid of unnecessary drama in my life and bam this comes up.
 
I'm glad that your friendship with T is important to you and that you're not willing to put her in the line of fire. As for your partner, I agree with vinsanity - it sounds like he has a lot of work to do before he's ready for even casual sex outside of your relationship. Of course, you can help him with some of that, although as ever, you can't do it for him. Sounds like he is still dealing with lack of trust based on how your previous attempt to open up went down. Regardless of how it ACTUALLY went down, it seems that in his mind what happened was he got put aside for someone 'better' at the time. Those kind of feelings can take a long while to work through sometimes, so don't expect an easy fix. I'd say until you get to the point where you would both be genuinely comfortable to play solo, then you shouldn't go there at all. Threeway relationships really do amp up the paranoia and blur the boundaries of all involved sometimes, so I'd say a more realistic goal is for you both to get to the stage where you can date independently - fewer moving parts, and all that jazz. If in the meantime you both want some experiences of group sex together, then steer clear of friends or exes or just generally, people in your life. If you want a 'once then done' thing, then find someone who is into that kind of swinging/play experience, and make sure it IS once then done at your end.
 
Some background... he cheated before we ended up in the previous relationship. During that entire relationship with the other couple he was pretty much the same way when it came to me alone with either of them but especially her. There was a lot of insecurities on his part and I get that. DI'd they steam at the time from fear of me doing something similar to what he did? Yes. Now they are the same insecurities but steam from my mistake when I left. When I left it was because in trying to deal with the emotions from him cheating and the craziness we were experiencing with the other couple it all became more than I could handle.

With T I'm not falling in love. She is a friend. Yes, there is some attraction but not anything that I feel I have to act on. I don't want and neither does she, a romantic anything. The idea of the 3some was more of a fun experience with someone I feel I can trust that wanted the experience and was curious about being with a woman. It was to give all of us a fun experience with people we felt comfortable with. Now it's just becoming unnecessary drama to the point I'm almost ready to say never mind forget it all let's just be friends and not try anything else.
 
Yes, there is some attraction but not anything that I feel I have to act on.
Click to expand...

Now it's just becoming unnecessary drama to the point I'm almost ready to say never mind forget it all let's just be friends and not try anything else.
Click to expand...

Since you value being drama free at this time, it sounds like you are best off skipping the threesome. Just tell them you changed your mind and don't do it.

You and T can be friends, and she can have a threesome explore thing with other people.

V can chill because the "threesome threat" is past.

Don't consider it again until a lot more time has passed and V has done a lot more work on himself.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Fortunately I do feel that I can do that and everyone is ok with it. I'm going to give it more thought and figure out what I feel is best and then talk to them and get their opinions.
 
Hi StumblingAlong,

I'm concerned about V's attitude, I'm thinking he is not ready yet for a threesome. He might be ready after he makes peace with your friendship with T. As long as that is still bothering him, I would hold off on the threesome. That is my perspective anyway.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
So after a LOT of talking and V getting to talk to T face to face, he is slowly becoming comfortable with things if they happened one on one. He sees that unlike before T isn't trying to take me from him or him from me. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, there is still work to be done, but at least things are moving in the right direction. T is trying to deal with wrapping her head around it all, but she is working on it. The pace we are moving is slow, but it's comfortable for all of us.I'm in no rush
 
A slow pace is a good thing.
 
T is struggling to understand how I am ok with knowing her and V talk/text or potentially more in the future. V took her to lunch today so they could talk about things. V explained why I am ok with all of this. In explaining it to her to help calm her fears he began to understand it himself.

T and I have been friends for months and have easily built a friendship that I value greatly. I trust her and V is learning why I trust her. Until this T and I would discuss our sex lives some like friends are sometimes apt to do. Now she would prefer I not mention to her anything about V and me having sex. She obviously has fears and worries still. I'd be concerned if she said she didn't. I do think tho, that as she spends time getting to know us as potential sex partners she is starting to care a little deeper than you would for just friends. Dude, I get it. While I'm ok with her and V having sex I do not want or expect details. So things are changing some, but it's not being forced and no one is trying to push anyone to move faster than they are comfortable with. We are not trying to define it and just letting it take whatever shape it will as time goes on and we all spend more time together.

While none of this is exactly easy, it's not stressful. The relationship V and I were in before was so beyond stressful and toxic. I was prepared for and expecting stressful, crazy, toxic, and so much more. I have gotten no feelings of any of that so far. It's nice.
 
Glad to hear things are going relatively well.
 
Things take an interesting turn

Well things are still going well and moving slowly. T has ask some really good questions trying to understand more of the possible potential of whatever this is we are doing. I refuse to attempt to define it at this point. I want it to become what it will without us forcing it to become what we define it as.

V is becoming more comfortable with the idea of one on one time and realizes T does not want to take either of us from the other. He also sees that unlike our previous experience no one is trying to force him to become comfortable with things faster than he wants and no one is trying to force him to be comfortable with something he isn't out of fairness to everyone else. Nothing in this will work if any of us forces it. V and T are becoming better friends and getting to know each other better. He is beginning to trust her.

Things did get a little difficult this weekend when T began asking questions about the possibility of what the future could hold. We all very quickly got back on the same page and things settled down when it was realized that she is asking out of curiosity and not trying to rush things. Before everything was rushed and crazy and the cart was put WAY before the horse. V is terrified of it spinning out of control and feels that is why we split before. Before the other couple saw the issues in our marriage and drove wedges in them. T has told him she doesn't want to separate us or cause us to separate. She wants to be in addition to what we have, whether it's as a friend, FWB, or something more. He sees she is not like them and with time will continue to see that she means what she says.

For now I'm really pleased with the way they are both handling things. I'm also excited to see just where this may go. Is there some NRE type stuff happening? Yup, but we are working to make sure it doesn't begin to take away from my marriage to V. Do I have worries and fears? Of course, but I'm enjoying what is happening now and we all are taking it 1 day at a time.
 
I feel like I am missing the backstory here. Do you have a blog - this seems like it is more of an update on your situation? It doesn't seem as if you are asking a question.
 
Stumbling has started two other threads recently.

Leetah
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top