Solo sex with new partner

Ambie2461

New member
Hi so me and my husband have a girlfriend we have been dating for about a week and he wants to have solo sex with her already and honestly I don't know why but I'm struggling mentally with that idea I don't feel like I'm ready for it. Am I being dramatic or is this normal to not feel comfort with solo time between partners yet?

My mental that are what if he leaves, likes sex with her more etc.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
It's perfectly understandable that you wouldn't want any solo sex with the other party. For now, I suggest all 3 of you only have sex as a three together so it's equal. You and husband stop all solo sex with each other until you feel comfortable with them having it. You don't seem to think solo sex is an important method of intimacy between couples since you find it reasonable to restrict theirs, so you shouldn't mind giving it up with him either until you get more comfortable with him choosing how he shares his body with his romantic and sexual partners.

After all, you wouldn't want to create a situation where she can only share intimacy with him if she does it with you too. It's best the each person gets to consent to what sex they want, with what people they want. Rather than being coerced to have sex with you just to have sex with your husband. Or vice versa.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It's perfectly understandable that you wouldn't want any solo sex with the other party. For now, I suggest all 3 of you only have sex as a three together so it's equal. You and husband stop all solo sex with each other until you feel comfortable with them having it.
This seems to be sarcasm, to make a point, right?
You don't seem to think solo sex is an important method of intimacy between couples, since you find it reasonable to restrict theirs, so you shouldn't mind giving it up with him either until you get more comfortable with him choosing how he shares his body with his romantic and sexual partners.
Again, sarcasm to make a point.
After all, you wouldn't want to create a situation where she can only share intimacy with him if she does it with you too.

It's best the each person gets to consent to what sex they want, with what people they want. Rather than being coerced to have sex with you just to have sex with your husband. Or vice versa.
This seems to be the actual advice. I was just afraid a newbie wouldn't get your point.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Hi so me and my husband have a girlfriend we have been dating for about a week and he wants to have solo sex with her already and honestly I don't know why but I'm struggling mentally with that idea I don't feel like I'm ready for it. Am I being dramatic or is this normal to not feel comfort with solo time between partners yet?

My mental that are what if he leaves, likes sex with her more etc.
Hi, so you and your husband are not polyamorous, you're just trying out threeway sex. You want this to be a shared activity. You don't want solo sex with the woman, and you don't think she or your husband should want solo sex either.

Unlike what the media wants you to think, most polyamorous couples date as individuals. That means vanilla dates as well as sex. So, in this way, you would get your own dating/sex partners, and your husband would get his own dating/sex partners. After all, it's uncommon for one woman to be equally attracted to both of you, and for both members of a couple to be attracted to the same woman, and at the same time, they all only want threeway sex every time. (As Seasoned pointed out, you and hubby probably want one-on-one sex with each other when gf isn't around, right?)

What if you're sick and the other two want sex? What if you're out of town and they want to have sex? What if you're tired and they want to have sex? Do they not get to have sex unless you're in the mood and feeling well?

Another scenario-- you three have sex together, and hubby has his orgasm and falls asleep. But you and gf don't feel done yet and want to go at it for another hour. Should you two stop, unsatisfied, just because hubby is asleep?
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
First, it seems a little heavy handed to call her a girlfriend after just a week. You're just getting to know her, and sex is - to me - very much a part of the dating and compatibility process. But then, my culture might be quite different to yours and you could place a value on sex that you have learned from certain societal norms. Perhaps you might not be ready to be 1-1 intimate after a short period of time, but that doesn't mean that he and her share that lack of readiness.

But as you've said, you're actually worried that he's going to like sex with her more. And because of this one facet of your lives, he'll leave you.

If you're going to play in the non-monogamy pool then this is one of the first hurdles you're going to have to get over.

If you really truly think that your primary relationship is that fragile, why did you agree to non-monogamy in the first place? What work do you and your man need to put into your relationship so you feel secure and stop placing so much importance on sex? Are there other 1-1 activities you see at threatening? Why? Why not? What 1-1 activities do you want to do with her? With him? Voice these as your needs rather than freaking out over their choice on 1-1 activities.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Ambie2461,

It is quite normal to not feel comfortable with solo sex yet. As you said, you and your husband have only been dating your girlfriend for about a week. That's really too soon for him to be having solo sex with her. Maybe after you have been dating her for a few months -- then you could consider it.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
This seems to be sarcasm, to make a point, right?

Again, sarcasm to make a point.



This seems to be the actual advice. I was just afraid a newbie wouldn't get your point.
No, I think it is understandable why someone would think that the best/safest/sensible way to proceed having recently opened their relationship.

I also believe that they do strive for equality. As they often say. Sometimes because one party insists on the room to have "equal" relationships with other parties. I think the latter is more the case here.

I'm just reconciling those two things. But no, I do suggest that if taking solo sex is taken off the table, all parties should abide by it. Each party should consider how they'd feel about that.

Husband could say "actually yes, that's a good way to work within your comfort zones while keeping things equal". That would say a lot about his long term goals and desires.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Hi so me and my husband have a girlfriend we have been dating for about a week and he wants to have solo sex with her already and honestly I don't know why but I'm struggling mentally with that idea I don't feel like I'm ready for it.
i can’t believe I’m the first to ask some of these basic questions but how long have you 2 been married ? Who’s idea or what’s the need or want to open your marriage ? There could many reasons why you’re struggling at this time.

Am I being dramatic or is this normal to not feel comfort with solo time between partners yet?

i wouldn’t look at it as you being dramatic ….unless you’re prone to that. I’d look at it as you’re internal compass trying to warn you that You might not be ready yet.
My mental that are what if he leaves, likes sex with her more etc.
Chances are if he does like it more he won’t admit it to your face. #2 generally that in itself won’t be enough of a reason to leave you. It will be a combination of skills and talents and physical attributes and personality.
 
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