Special occasion time dedication

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Hubby and I are having a slight disagreement, and I thought it would be interesting to get other opinions.

Our anniversary is coming up in about a month. Boy has agreed to babysit overnight so Hubby and I can have a kid free night. Due to coronavirus, we are just staying local but will get a hotel room that we probably won't leave other than picking up takeout.

All good, right? The disagreement comes about the night after. Boy will already be at our house. I would like him to stay another night so that I actually have a night with him too. Hubby wants him to leave because it is our anniversary weekend. Normally we would pick the kid up and then have normal whateverness, but this year the anniversary happens to fall on a weekend.

What are your thoughts? Is it a dick move to have Boy stay the night after my anniversary with Hubby?

Due to my work schedule and distance, Boy and I cannot make a mid-week date work, if that matters.
 

icesong

Member
I mean IMO what you’re asking isn’t an unreasonable request - I’m not convinced “anniversary weekends” are a thing. But I’m _really_ not big on holidays and am pretty flexible about celebrating them as convenient and/or ignoring them as suits my mood.
 

GalaGirl

Active member
For the people who really care about holidays and anniversaries and things? It matters to them.

I think the only ones who can answer that is you and your spouse.

Me? I think I would listen to my spouse. If he wanted to celebrate the weekend (ie: 2 days)? Me hanging out with another partner isn't giving him 2 days focused attention.

So I'd prob invest in that and do anniversary day 1 with just husband. Then anniversary day 2 with husband and kid en famille.

Because sooner or later, Boy might want an "anniversary weekend" too. Then husband cannot complain about that because you are doing same for each.

And BF can't complain about it either. Because it isn't like he HAD to be the babysitter. Someone else could do it. He could have given it a pass when asked.

So listen for the feelings behind the words when your spouse is talking to you.

The disagreement comes about the night after. Boy will already be at our house. I would like him to stay another night so that I actually have a night with him too.
And this can't be some other night?

You wouldn't ditch your hubby to hang with the sitter for 2nd day of anniv would you?

Could make a separate time to have a weekend with BF.

Small things like that matter to people. Sounds like it matters to your spouse.

Galagirl
 
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AlwaysGrowing

Active member
Our normal celebration is dinner/night away from kid then pick her up by noon the next day and life goes back to normal.

This year, Hubby wants dinner, night away, gifts, come home to kid, celebrate entire weekend.

Boy and I don't know/acknowledge our anniversary. Another night would require Boy to drive another 3 hour round trip to my place and leave at 6am the next morning for me to start work. Or, more likely, we just wouldn't have time together that week.

I'm trying to get on board with this year's intense anniversary whatever, but I'm struggling. Lol
 

GalaGirl

Active member
Well, to save Boy the drive, could a more local babysitter be found?

I get that this is different that to normal anniv with DH. Maybe pandemic is making him want more togetherness this time around?

Galagirl
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
We don't have a babysitter local. The only people we know are coworkers and the like. I'm also not comfortable with another else staying with her overnight so a different sitter would mean a few hours date instead of an overnight. Pandemic happening also means Hubby won't let anyone else around. Lol
 

Evie

Active member
I am an anniversary person. If this was a poll, I'd say give hubby the whole weekend and give Boy a whole weekend another time.
 

Dagferi

Active member
I would give hubby his weekend but the following weekend would be Boy's to spend with me.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
I am working 6 days a week for the foreseeable future, except for that weekend. :D

For example, this past weekend was Boy coming over Friday evening as soon as I got off work. Boy and I cooked dinner and relaxed then he played with little girl and Hubby and I cleaned up until she had to go to bed. Boy and I watched a little tv until I was dozing on the couch then went to bed. I got up early for work. Boy and Hubby hung out a bit, sharing kid entertaining, then Boy left before I got home. Saturday afternoon/ evening and Sunday were dedicated to family activities for father's day.

Next weekend, I will drive to Boy's house after work Friday, stay the night there, and leave around noon to come home. Family time them early to work Sunday morning.

Hubby and I do a mid week date night after the kid goes to bed every week as well as just general relax/unwind together time every night. Pretty much every evening is spent as a family unless one of us has to work (1-2x a month each or so).

I'm willing to give Hubby the anniversary weekend, but I won't get similar with Boy. I don't go away from little girl for more than one overnight, and time wouldn't allow it for a while. I will 100% be cranky about it for a while, though, if Hubby doesn't actually make plans for the time. Lol
 

fuchka

New member
Maybe you could trade some family time another weekend when Boy is visiting so you can hang out with him on Saturday after you finish work and into Sunday as well.

Also it might show appreciation to Boy to pay petrol or something to say thanks if he's coming all the way to just babysit for one night. Although that might not fit with your dynamic, of course.

I'd be curious why Hubby isn't happy to let you hang out with Boy on second night as you are getting the benefits of a child free night away due to him. Sounds like you don't have any other feasible options for babysitters. If not for Boy, you wouldn't have a sleepover date night out at all. That said, I do agree with previous posters that it's probably best to follow the lead of the person who cares the most re special dates/anniversaries. Hope you don't have any cause for resentment!
 

Kindalosthere

New member
This weekend seems to be important to Hubby - and I think it is important to honour things that are important to our partners, even if they seem less significant to us. Just because you spent more time with Hubby doesn't mean that his "special dates" are less important.

I don't wanna step on your toes, but already announcing to be cranky and putting a "I will do it but I won't like it" tone on feels contraproductive to me (and frankly a little adolescent). Why not just enjoy the fact that Hubby wants to spend time with you, no matter what exactly he wants to do?
Boy dosn't seem to mind; in fact, he seems to be quite supportive of you and Hubby spending some special time together, as he is even babysitting for you guys.

Did you maybe built up specific expectations without comparing them to Hubbys expectations and now you are disappointed they won't come true?
Did you maybe unintentionally built up expectations in Boy (that he would have a day with you as "exchange" for babysitting) and now you are afraid to disappoint his expectation?
Or did you think you could "kill two birds with one stone" and use the anniversary as a conveniant hook to get a day with Boy in?
If the latter is the case I think you should re-evaluate if you are maybe taking your time with Hubby for granted.
 

icesong

Member
So why is Hubby wanting a bigger celebration than usual? Is it some "milestone" type anniversary, or...?
 

MeeraReed

Member
So I think the issue is that Boy lives so far away? 3 hour round trip, so 1.5 hours away? I live a similar distance from my partner, and it can get very inconvenient.

And because of COVID, you don't have anyone else who can watch your kid for an overnight. So Boy is doing you a big favor by driving so far to help you and your husband have a date night.

Normally, it might be reasonable for Hubby to have a full weekend anniversary with you, but in this case (with COVID and the distance Boy travels), I don't think it's a reasonable request. Especially when you two don't normally have a full 2-day anniversary celebration. It seems reasonable for you to be able to have a date night with Boy on the weekend he already drove all the way there.

Unless there are other factors. Has Hubby been feeling neglected? Does Hubby do a lot of labor/logistics/childcare so you can have dates with Boy? Which might make it reasonable for him to ask for a full weekend of your attention.

BUT I think both you and Hubby would have to recognize that it's inconvenient for Boy, and Boy is the one doing you two a favor. How does Boy feel about driving so far, spending a night alone with your kid, and then not getting a date night with you until another time?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Re (from AlwaysGrowing):
"I am working six days a week for the foreseeable future, except for that weekend."
Sounds like somebody's going to get the short end of the stick, either Boy or Hubby. Since Hubby is the squeaky wheel, I suppose he should get the grease. You'll have to try to make it up to Boy some other way, if that's even possible. Maybe you can take a vacation day just for him? It's tricky because he doesn't have an anniversary with you.

Make sure to tell Hubby that you expect him to plan something to make the extra day worthwhile. Who knows when you will ever have a whole weekend available again.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
I don't think you are being a dick. Hubby's not really being a dick either, unless he's going to make it a whole thing.

If I was in Hubby's place I would be happy that we got to spend time together in a hotel. I wouldn't pay back Boy by kicking him out. If I was mono I might expect to celebrate the whole weekend. With poly, there are other things to consider. So I might mention that it would be nice to celebrate the whole weekend, but I wouldn't get mad if it didn't happen.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Re (from AlwaysGrowing):


Sounds like somebody's going to get the short end of the stick, either Boy or Hubby. Since Hubby is the squeaky wheel, I suppose he should get the grease. You'll have to try to make it up to Boy some other way, if that's even possible. Maybe you can take a vacation day just for him? It's tricky because he doesn't have an anniversary with you.

Make sure to tell Hubby that you expect him to plan something to make the extra day worthwhile. Who knows when you will ever have a whole weekend available again.

Regards,
Kevin T.
I wouldn't assume they don't have an anniversary of some sort as well. More importantly, should the squeeky wheel get the grease? I don't believe in rewarding bad behavior by giving in to the person who whines the most... lol
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
In Post #4, AG said, "Boy and I don't know/acknowledge our anniversary." That's what I was basing that assumption on.

About my squeaky wheel comment, I didn't (completely) mean, "Reward Hubby for complaining." Where I was going with that was to suppose that, maybe, because Hubby (rather than Boy) is the one to say something about that extra day in the weekend, maybe that indicates that Hubby (rather than Boy) is the one to whom that extra day matters. Like if it mattered to Boy, I would think Boy would bring it up? and maybe he has, I'm just going by what's posted in this thread so far.
 

GalaGirl

Active member
Presumably if this was a big inconvenience to Boy, he'd just say "No, thanks. I'll pass on babysitting."

Galagirl
 

dingedheart

Active member
Is it a dick move to want to have boy stay over. NO

Doesn’t hubby know by NOW everything is negotiated. I think it sets a bad precedent him pushing for a whole weekend. I think you have to just say sorry you’re getting the Saturday/ overnight and that’s it....make it work! Be firm. Slippery slope and all that.


Does he know you put his anniversary “ weekend “ idea up for debate on the forum ?? If reading this he’ll still want to stick with the plan or he himself will come to the conclusion it’s not actually worth it or NOT that special after all.

Please let us know.
 

Evie

Active member
That's your idea of negotiation?

Eek.
 
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