Specialness in polyamory

Question or thought experiment for the OP (StrawberryMoon):

Regarding the "specialness" of thinking only of one sex partner when you're with them sexually. Plenty of people who are in relationships (whether mono or poly) still masturbate on their own, look at porn, read erotica, etc. Do monogamous people only fantasize about their partner when masturbating? Probably not, right? Does having an orgasm by yourself mean you are disregarding your partner in that moment or treating them like they're not special?
 
I think a lot of you here are trying to make someone feel something that they can't. While you may be able to feel special without exclusivity, some people just can't. That's why they are better suited to monogamy.

It doesn't mean they aren't considered to be special, it just means they can't feel very special under those conditions.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I think a lot of you here are trying to make someone feel something that they can't. While you may be able to feel special without exclusivity, some people just can't. That's why they are better suited to monogamy.

It doesn't mean they aren't considered to be special, it just means they can't feel very special under those conditions.
Click to expand...
I think that goes without saying. A person coming here with an open mind asking these questions probably wants answers, or at least informed experienced opinions. A person open to the idea of changing their perspective or of holding space for their dissonance deserves to get what they ask for.

I think what’s most important, from my recent reading at least, is that people (and their partners) need to give themselves permission to feel and be. If they feel like they “just can’t” a certain thing or situation, then they need to give themselves permission to be that. If they’re monogamous, they should allow that. If they aspire to grow beyond that, they should give themselves permission to abandon old paradigms and try on new ones.

At the same time, I don’t think it’s wrong to encourage growth by offering a new path.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I think a lot of you here are trying to make someone feel something that they can't.
Click to expand...
Isn’t one of the great poly mantras: you can’t make someone feel anything? If your partners are having negative thoughts or feelings of jealousy, it’s on them manage their emotional responses.
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
While you may be able to feel special without exclusivity, some people just can't. That's why they are better suited to monogamy.
Click to expand...
Maybe, as individuals, the curve of special/not special is totally relaxed in open or poly dynamics. Monogamy sort of makes the investment and chip count higher. People might want something higher on the “special curve,“ if it’s to be a one-and-only thing vs adding partner 5 or 6 to the line-up, where punctuality becomes a real factor and quality.
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
It doesn't mean they aren't considered to be special, it just means they can't feel very special under those conditions.
Click to expand...
It depends on what the goal is, or how people want to define special. Back when I was introduced to the poly dynamic, my wife thought that I needed or wanted to hear that I was her “primary," and that any dating partners would be secondary or tertiary. In those early moments, post the blast going off, that might seem comforting and imply some sort of special status. But in my case, on a day-to-day basis, fuck this, I’ll switch. Primary WHAT? Primary means what? More work, more responsibilities, being able to file a joint return?

AND THEN you quickly figure out/learn what it doesn’t mean. If people are practicing nonhierarchical polyamory, does legal wife or husband mean anything, other than a history lesson or something to do with insurance or a green card? There is no status or specialness associated, other than maybe youthful memories, right?

I’ve talked with dozens of poly members here on the forum who openly admit they have a much deeper connection/greater bond/greater passion/more love, if you want to say it that way, for an outside partner, or one of their outside partners, than for their legal spouse.
 
This is a fascinating thread to me, maybe because words are my love language. I’ve been guilty of feeling diminished “special,” when there’s a plurality of “special,” though in retrospect, maybe that’s had more to do with decreases in partner resources (like time). I agree that uniqueness more accurately captures how we are all special, but I think the extent to which that uniqueness is valued (or how we perceive it is valued) is what makes us external validation seekers feel special.
 
Jade said:
but I think the extent to which that uniqueness is valued (or how we perceive it is valued) is what makes us external validation seekers feel special
Click to expand...
True. I just dont think being monogamous is a validating factor. I know plenty of monogamous people that never feel special because their partners don’t go out of their way to show them that they are special. You are either special to a person or not, or somewhere in between. I have an Aunt that’s very special to me and she makes if clear how special I am to her. Monogamy not needed.
 
Throughout most of my life (late 60s, married, cis, het man) I felt invisible to women. For whatever reason, despite my attempts to connect, women never paid much attention to me or returned my flirtations.

Finally, I met a woman and we really clicked on so many different levels. She made me feel "special" and "seen." I was tremendously vulnerable and shared my deepest feelings and true self with her. I totally let down my guard. Our relationship was deep, fun and passionate. We connected on intellectual levels about art, music, and literature. We shared a common sport. which is how we met. I thought we had a very "special" relationship.

After a few years, she began dating a man in our social circle who had been hitting on her for years. He is very different than me in many ways and has always been popular with the ladies.

When she disclosed her desire to pursue a romantic/sexual relationship with him, it hurt me terribly. Thinking it through, I came to realize that while I thought what we had was really "special," in reality, it was not actually too "special." Yes, the dyad we shared was "unique" to us as, was her relationship to the new guy. Per poly orthodoxy, our relationships are "all special or unique in their own way". But somehow all the incredibly intimate and connected times we had spent, the tears we had shed, the secrets and dreams we had shared felt diminished.

I realized how fleeting it all was. When she was with me, I was "her guy" 100%, but tomorrow that will be him. When I am with her now, I am far more guarded. We share so much, yet something has changed. She senses it. I want it to be "like it was" but it can't. I was completely vulnerable with her, she saw my very soul, the pearls and warts of my being and she loved me, but she loves others too. I can no longer sing the foolish love songs we shared in my crappy voice, it is just too embarrassing now. There is so much others have to offer too!

I have grown emotionally through this relationship. The naivete of my all-embracing love received the cold slap in the face necessary to shake me to the realities of polyamory. I can never be enough; the depths of my being were a good flavor (to use a food analogy), but there are other good flavors too! Such a silly boy I was, to think I could be "that special."

Our relationship is dying... we know it. I think she will miss me, but as a truly poly woman - there are so many other "special" flavors to partake of. Me, I will be more careful about who I bare my soul with in the future! I am tougher now and a bit more cynical, better equipped to succeed in poly relationships in the future, should I choose to pursue.
 
Trying2 said:
Throughout most of my life(late 60's, married, cis, het, man) I felt invisible to women. For whatever reason, despite my attempts to connect, women never paid much attention to me or returned my flirtations.

Finally, I met a woman and we really clicked on so many different levels. She made me feel "special" and "seen". I was tremendously vulnerable w and shared my deepest feelings and true self with her. I totally let down my guard, our relationship was deep, fun and passionate. We connected on intellectual levels about art, music, and literature. We shared a common sport which is how we met. I thought we had a very "special" relationship.

After a few years, she began dating a man in our social circle who had been hitting on her for years. He is very different than me in many ways and has always been popular with the ladies.

When she disclosed her desire to pursue a romantic/sexual relationship with him, it hurt me terribly. Thinking it through, I came to realize that while I thought what we had was really "special", in reality, it was not actually too "special." Yes, the dyad we shared was "unique" to us as was her relationship to the new guy. Per poly orthodoxy, our relationships are "all special or unique in their own way". But somehow all the incredibly intimate and connected times we had spent, the tears we had shed, the secrets and dreams we had shared felt diminished.

I realized how fleeting it all was. When she was with me, I was "her guy" 100%, but tomorrow that will be him. When I am with her now, I am far more guarded. We share so much, yet something has changed. She senses it. I want it to be "like it was" but it can't. I was completely vulnerable with her, she saw my very soul, the pearls and warts of my being and she loved me, but she loves others too. I can no longer sing the foolish love songs we shared in my crappy voice, it is just too embarrassing now. There is so much others have to offer too!

I have grown emotionally through this relationship. The naivete of my all-embracing love received the cold slap in the face necessary to shake me to the realities of polyamory. I can never be enough, the depths of my being were a good flavor(using a food analogy) but their are other good flavors too! Such a silly boy, I was to think I could be "that special".

Our relationship is dying, we know it. I think she will miss me, but as a truly poly woman - there are so many other "special" flavors to partake. Me, I will be more careful about who I bear my soul with in the future! I am tougher now and a bit more cynical, better equipped to succeed in poly relationships in the future should I choose to pursue.
Click to expand...
It sounds like monogamy would be the preferred love style for you. I hope you find that again in a woman that will give it all back to you and more.
 
Trying2 said:
Throughout most of my life (late 60s, married, cis, het man) I felt invisible to women. For whatever reason, despite my attempts to connect, women never paid much attention to me or returned my flirtations.

Finally, I met a woman and we really clicked on so many different levels. She made me feel "special" and "seen." I was tremendously vulnerable and shared my deepest feelings and true self with her. I totally let down my guard. Our relationship was deep, fun and passionate. We connected on intellectual levels about art, music, and literature. We shared a common sport. which is how we met. I thought we had a very "special" relationship.

After a few years, she began dating a man in our social circle who had been hitting on her for years. He is very different than me in many ways and has always been popular with the ladies.
Click to expand...

Is this woman your wife? How long have you been married? Do you have children?
 
The woman is a romantic/sexual partner. I have been married over 35 years. My children are grown and live on their own
 
Trying2 said:
The woman is a romantic/sexual partner. I have been married over 35 years. My children are grown and live on their own
Click to expand...
Sorry, I'm still not clear. The poly woman you are talking about in your posts here is a different person than your wife of 35 years?
 
I understood it as there is his wife.

And then there is this woman he is seeing. She then started seeing someone else, and that meant he no longer felt special to this woman, nor she to him. He still sees her, but he has become more guarded, and a little bitter.
 
Trying2 said:
Throughout most of my life (late 60s, married, cis, het man) I felt invisible to women. For whatever reason, despite my attempts to connect, women never paid much attention to me or returned my flirtations.

Finally, I met a woman and we really clicked on so many different levels. She made me feel "special" and "seen." I was tremendously vulnerable and shared my deepest feelings and true self with her. I totally let down my guard. Our relationship was deep, fun and passionate. We connected on intellectual levels about art, music, and literature. We shared a common sport. which is how we met. I thought we had a very "special" relationship.

After a few years, she began dating a man in our social circle who had been hitting on her for years. He is very different than me in many ways and has always been popular with the ladies.

When she disclosed her desire to pursue a romantic/sexual relationship with him, it hurt me terribly. Thinking it through, I came to realize that while I thought what we had was really "special," in reality, it was not actually too "special." Yes, the dyad we shared was "unique" to us as, was her relationship to the new guy. Per poly orthodoxy, our relationships are "all special or unique in their own way". But somehow all the incredibly intimate and connected times we had spent, the tears we had shed, the secrets and dreams we had shared felt diminished.

I realized how fleeting it all was. When she was with me, I was "her guy" 100%, but tomorrow that will be him. When I am with her now, I am far more guarded. We share so much, yet something has changed. She senses it. I want it to be "like it was" but it can't. I was completely vulnerable with her, she saw my very soul, the pearls and warts of my being and she loved me, but she loves others too. I can no longer sing the foolish love songs we shared in my crappy voice, it is just too embarrassing now. There is so much others have to offer too!

I have grown emotionally through this relationship. The naivete of my all-embracing love received the cold slap in the face necessary to shake me to the realities of polyamory. I can never be enough; the depths of my being were a good flavor (to use a food analogy), but there are other good flavors too! Such a silly boy I was, to think I could be "that special."

Our relationship is dying... we know it. I think she will miss me, but as a truly poly woman - there are so many other "special" flavors to partake of. Me, I will be more careful about who I bare my soul with in the future! I am tougher now and a bit more cynical, better equipped to succeed in poly relationships in the future, should I choose to pursue.
Click to expand...
this was very touching and raw. I hope your future remains bright and you find another "special".
 
I hope Strawberrymoon, has a chance to reply and review - this is a really good topic.

Special is in the eyes of the beholder. If you aim for "win -win" in love you have a chance.
But love will also require sacrifice, and that is not losing.

Money is money ; good relations have clear lines of how it works for them.
Alot of what you are , is and will be your way of making it work - I can't tell you how "visible" to be in the community; i.e. out and proud, vs discreet and content? it your call - you need to make the adult decisions about your lifestyle and where you want it to go and how it is to look.

In any deep functional "marriage/union" all of what you ask are topics to be discussed openly for a bright future - good luck
 
Evie said:
I understood it as there is his wife.

And then there is this woman he is seeing. She then started seeing someone else, and that meant he no longer felt special to this woman, nor she to him. He still sees her, but he has become more guarded, and a little bitter.
Click to expand...
this analysis is correct
 
MeeraReed said:
Sorry, I'm still not clear. The poly woman you are talking about in your posts here is a different person than your wife of 35 years?
Click to expand...
I'm not sure if you're confused-- Trying2 posted a long first post about not feeling special on a thread where the OP addressing "specialness" is Strawberry Moon. I mean, I was confused myself.
 
Please note this is a general poly discussion thread, so the most recent resurrection of it was the writer adding his experience. Not seeking advice.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top