Staying away the best decision?

Nmi

New member
Hello people!

As I told in my introductory post, I've been living with my fiance now for over 10 years and most of that time, I've known that I am poly. My fiance did not get that at first, but suddenly the tables have turned in ways that I couldn't even imagine happening.

We had a mono relationship for the first 10 years of our shared life, in which time I continually talked about polyamorous turns for our life. I myself had a couple of girlfriend of which my fiance knew about. I never had sex with other women, as that is not really what I'm looking for in polyamory. In fact, I've never slept with anyone else except my fiance.

A little over year ago things started to happen. My fiance started getting more into bdsm-scene, which she had nearly forgotten about after her first relationship with a dominant male. Me, wanting to give the love of my life the experiences she wanted, gave permission to everything at hand. So she had a few sexual adventures in the world of bdsm, one of which nearly tore me apart and almost led to a disastrous break-up.

So then, I started my adventure into myself and my bdsm-side. By some freak accident, this lead to a night last december when I met a bdsm-woman, who became very interested in me. The woman was in a relationship with a mono man, but according to her, she had strong feelings for me also. The meeting led to a great friendship without benefits (okay, it nearly happened twice...) but the girl also developed sexual interest to my fiance.

So, not so long ago I decided to give the girls the space they wanted and the most beautiful thing on earth happened. Me, on the other hand am trying to kill the feelings for the woman. I see how my feelings hurts his boyfriend and I am definitely no relationship-breaker. But I just can't get over this. I had a really hard time after my fiances experiences last year and this woman helped me over the hard times big time. I owe her a lot. The friendship must not end.

But at the same time, my fiance is having a poly-relationship with the woman. And I, well I really do love them both very much. I just can't help the feeling that I am in the way somehow. The woman knows I am poly and she also knows that I regard her as a poly-girlfriend without sex. But I can't continue hurting her boyfriend, who is actually very much into the relationship between the girls. He just wishes that I would vanish into thin air, which I understand.

I really, really want to keep her in my life, but at the same time I know that the right thing to do would be keeping some distance. The problem is that she doesn't want that. Whenever I try to get out, she pulls me back in. My fiance knows about my feelings towards the woman and accepts them fully. She understand who I am and what I'm going through right now.

My situation is beautiful and horrible at the same time. I know I should stay away and let the girls have their thing, that's allowed and alright from all viewpoints.
 
Hi Nmi,

I think it's a shame that you have to smother your romantic feelings for that new woman. The "rules" of poly state that there is nothing wrong with them; you're not "getting in the way" of whatever your fiancée has going with that woman. But, it seems that her boyfriend does not consent to your part in the situation. Because of that, you are obliged to step away. That's very sad.

Is there any chance this boyfriend might change his mind? Sometimes people do have a change of heart. If not, I suppose you will have to let that one go. Explain to her that it's nothing personal; even be her friend if you can, but let go of the romantic part if possible.

I wish I could offer some better counsel. :( Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Yea, I know somewhere in my heart that letting go would be the "right thing" to do. Thing is - and this is where the situation gets really complicated - that I've actually tried stepping away from the relationship twice. The woman knows how I feel about her and seemingly feels the same both for me and my fiance. Whenever I've tried to pull the brakes and take a back seat, big drama has ensued. It breaks her heart seeing me smothering my feelings and taking more distance.

And I am a sucker for that, I just can't help that I don't want to see anyone getting hurt. But I do know that I have to give my feelings away. It's sad from my point of view, as I really do not meet new and exciting people every day, not even every decade :p
 
But, it seems that her boyfriend does not consent to your part in the situation. Because of that, you are obliged to step away. That's very sad.

As a counter point, here's my two cents. The boyfriend is dating a poly woman and seems to be in denial about this. He has called "dibs" on this woman which means that she has to deny her feelings for you and you for her. You, this girl, and your fiance sound like you are all happily polyamorous... it seems to me that if there is someone in the way it's the mono boyfriend.

I don't respect calling dibs on a human being. As an alternative to letting other peoples need for control guide your action... I say let it guide his. Tell him you aren't backing off and that, if the girlfriend wants to respect his wishes then she can do so, but that's between the two of them.

Fuck his one penis policy... politely :)
 
Wow, things really are in a situation right now where everything happens fast.

The boyfriend is not a douche by any standards, I've met him in a couple of occasions and he seems to be your regular type of mono-male, who cannot see love between two girls as a threat. Quite the opposite, he seems to consider it as a benefit. Other than that, he is just your regular mono guy, wanting the kids and the marriage and all of that usual stuff.

At the same time, I am not allowed to even see the girl as leisurely as we used to do. I understand that, as we had a quite a sexual night together some time ago by accident. Perhaps that shoud've never happened, but I am having no regrets because of my feelings.

But right now everyone is acting the way that I should really step away from all of this, even my fiance. She is encouraging me to have affairs with another people and accepts my friendship with the another woman, but still seems to act a bit jealous. And from the boyfriends point of view, I am not even allowed to go swimming with the girl anymore as her bathing suit is "too sexy" or something like that.

I'm really calling the quits on all of this and trying to find something else on the side. I am now in a position where I am in the way of everyone else, but at the same time am allowed to have my own adventures. Maybe that's exactly what I'll do.

It still hurts like hell, like nothing ever before.
 
I can understand why it would be so painful, I don't blame you for hurting. :(
 
It sounds hurtful, yes. Sadly he can set his own limitations. In a way he is right, too,because by your own admission it is a romantic relationship even with minimal sex. It is sad, though. It is like your parents telling you no.
 
I am sorry, but I read the entire first post several times and it still makes absolutely no sense to me. All these people calling themselves poly and yet none of them seem to actually be okay with poly... ???? Mystifying and confusing.

I feel similarly. I understand that everyone approaches relationships differently. Everyone has boundaries and what's poly for one person isn't for another.

All I know is this situation is just dripping with drama, miscommunication, maybe denial and confusion. It's all very complicated, more complicated than it needs to be.

It sucks that you have to go through this trial, what's important to you? What could make things clearer for you and the people you care about? Being honest and straight forward can go a long way.
 
I am sorry you struggle. I am going to guess. I could guess wrong. Correct me ok?

CAST


  • There is you and your GF Jane.
  • You were both dating Alice.
  • Alice has a BF Bob.

PROBLEM

  • You and Bob are okay with with the ladies dating each other.
  • Bob is not keen on Alice dating you at this time.
  • You are willing to bow out, albeit with some sadness. You think this is the most ethical thing to do.
    • Alice has a cow both times you try to break up with her.
    • You feel guilty that Alice is chasing you down while ignoring Bob's preferences.
    • You feel obligated to stay in a romance/friendship with Allice because she helped you before

How is Alice being "friendly" when she has a cow at you rather than accepting a break up with grace?
How is she being "friendly" to her BF -- doing as she pleases without stopping to talk things out with him?

She doesn't sound esp friendly to me. She sounds very "I did this for you. So you owe me now." And making sure you know it.

Yea, I know somewhere in my heart that letting go would be the "right thing" to do.

I think you could listen to your heart then and stay away long enough for the process of detachment to set in so the feelings fade. Even if she has a cow at you.

If she has a cow -- tell her no. She may not have a cow at you. That is not appropriate behavior from an adult person. She can process her feelings appropriately with someone else -- even go see a counselor. You are not the appropriate person to process with. You have your own processing to do on your own after a break up.

I've actually tried stepping away from the relationship twice. The woman knows how I feel about her and seemingly feels the same both for me and my fiance. Whenever I've tried to pull the brakes and take a back seat, big drama has ensued. It breaks her heart seeing me smothering my feelings and taking more distance.

Let me repeat that back. This is how it sounds to me behavior wise:

  • You want to back away. With regrets, but you want to back off.
  • She does not accept that. Instead she makes big drama.
  • So you capitulate to avoid/stop the big drama.
  • She gets her way. She stops he drama.
  • You have reinforced that acting out at people is how she can get her way.
  • You want to be gone but you are still here. So then you feel yucky again.

This drama stuff is KIND behavior on her part how? :confused:

You want to be gone and you are staying -- that is you following through HOW?

Ultimately I think you have to say "no" more firmly. Follow through not matter what so YOU can feel better. If she's still going to misbehave, that's not under your control. You can only control YOUR behavior. If you not following through is leading to you having yucky feelings? Change your behavior and follow through.

If she does big drama, you say "I am sorry. No, thank you. I am not the guy to process with." And you leave the room, hang up the phone, suggest she call a counselor. Just play that broken record/stop answering the door/answering phone. Maintain boundaries.

To me it sounds like she runs over her BF too. Whatever her problems with her BF -- that's for her to sort out with him though.

You tend to your boundaries. Don't buy the hoover and don't share your emotions with her. She sounds like she plays on your regret/sad feelings about it to suck you back in. :(

I think just because she helped you in the past does not mean you are beholden in the present.

Especially if in her present behavior she's behaving all drama queen-ish and not respecting your boundaries or bringing you joy / peace. Instead she's bringing you drama.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks people, different points of view is exactly what I needed here, sincerely.

But alas, there has been a some kind of truce to all of this. All four of us sat down and discussed how this should go on and this is what we decided:

1) The girls can have their affair and see where it goes. This was the easiest part to decide, by far.

2) I back away a bit and stay as friends with the woman. As long as we're not having sex, everything seems to be okay with the boyfriend.

3) The four of us (or five, when counting our daughter) spend time together. This also seems to be working and we can all be at ease with each other. Even me and the boyfriend.

Now for myself, I do know that I'll bump into another people as time goes by. How this all will affect the woman (there has been a bit jealousy-drama before and probably will be in the future) is to be seen.

But for now, things seem to have settled down in acceptable manner. My fiance as my primary knows who I am and also knows, accepts and shares my opinion about relationships. I something, all this drama has taught me quite a bit of myself :p

...but drama can't be avoided in the future, that one is for sure. Guess I'll just have to learn to live with it.
 
I think it's good that the four of you have a formal truce now. It removes some of the uncertainty from the equation.
 
A sad update to all of this.

Since summer, things started to heat up between me and the woman. The romantic feelings started to grow, leading to the point where we finally said that we love each other very much, so I started treating her like my girlfriend/metamour. The boyfriend had been completely blind to all of this and was up until the moment last night.

More and more insane rules started to come from the boyfriend, however. According to him, there was not supposed to be any flirting, any sexual activity, we couldn't call our affair an affair and whatnot. All of those rules were broken many times down the road by me, the girl and my fiance. We really started to love her and for a moment, our triad flourished.

But the boyfriends blindness baffled me. We had a trip together, me and my girlfriend and the boyfriend actually insisted that we should sleep in the same hotel room. Add some booze to the equation and you can guess what happened, two nights in a row. My fiance was fine with this (and the boyfriend not of course), but after the trip I started to feel a bit uneasy.

What happened, was that we found out with my girlfriend that we are a sexual match, very much so as we didn't have sex before. I started to realize that I love the girl very, very much and this was destroying her boyfriend, or husband-to-come, as the boy had dropped the question a month earlier, perhaps trying to save the situation for his own favour.

So then, I began to understand that if the affair would continue, I would not only keep hurting the boyfriend, but also myself in the end as the girl insisted on being with her boyfriend and getting married and kids with him. Down the road, I would've been kicked out of the situation one way or another. She had made her choice and even though she said that she loved me, the dream of the marriage and keeping an image of being a good girl was more important.

I started to get panic attacks and therefore last night I broke up with my girlfriend. What is worse, the girl was not only my lover, but also my best friend. Even though I tried to say that we should continue as friends, the girl (being the dramatic herself that she is) is breaking up completely. What I've heard through the grapevine today is that the girl hasn't eaten in 24 hours (she always stops eating when she is down) and is in a world of pain.

I love her and I love my fiance more than I have loved ever before. To say that this hurts like hell would be a understatement of the year. The pain is excruciating. I just can't be losing her.
 
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Sorry to hear you had to break up with her. :(
 
Now it's been a week and I've discovered some things that are the absolute downsides to being a poly. I can't go all over and say that things are the way they went. Everything still needs to be discreet. I can't go to Facebook and tell things around and I can't be devastated with my friends. It's tough to say the least.

I'm a lucky guy to have my fiance who has supported me through all this and I know she will be the one there for me at all occasions. Still feeling miserable and being unable to express the feeling for example at work is a pain in the arse.

So, here I am. Listening to some Frank Turner and trying to get over. This is even more of a pain that I ever imagined.
 
I'm sorry for your pain. The heart wants what it wants, and when it doesn't get it, I know it can feel unbearable.

Kia kaha
Evie
 
Do you pretend (at work and whatnot) like you're not suffering? or do you say, "I can't talk about it."
 
I'm a terrible pretender :D But I mainly just try to put things away and try to act normal. It's actually easier when there are people around. When I am alone at work or wherever, then my concentration fails.
 
Are you alone often?

I can luckily be alone as much as I want :) Now that some time has passed, this is definitely for the better and I can move along. We have talked with the girl a couple of times and we can be buddies, just talk about things if we want to, but in the end, this really was a good decision. Maybe there will be some relapses, it was a year after all, but no hard feelings.

Anyhow, it will take some time after this to get someone new on the side. All the drama and attachment made this quite a ride that has left me somewhat woozy.
 
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