Still a newbie, seeking support; am I in over my head?

[ToriLou]

Hi friends! The last post I made was about running into complicated feelings about my partner (Lex) and their partner (Em) being married and living together, and feeling sad about the limits my relationship with Lex has.

Lex and I have now made it to 9 months and our relationship has progressed through beautiful ups and challenging downs that have ultimately made us closer, however, a few months ago, they incorporated a new relationship with "Ray". It moved very quickly and Lex is now sharing their home with their spouse Em, and new partner Ray. Ray is a reconciled past relationship who moved in with Lex and Em out of necessity after a housing opportunity fell through. Lex and Ray grew closer through that process and fell back into romantic partnership.

This change happened within just a few weeks and shook the security I feel with Lex. Ray moved into Lex's basement bedroom that was previously reserved for me to stay when I visit Lex, and possibly move into at some point down the road, so I've felt "booted out".

Edit for additional context: They have an extra bedroom, but it's in a part of the house the cats have access too, and I am allergic. The basement was meant to be a pet-free space for when I visit. But there technically is still a room I could move into if I choose. My partner lives an hour away and in a city I don't really want to live in.

Ray and Lex's other partner, Em, are also friends and the 3 of them have formed a family unit that I feel excluded from due to physical distance, limited time, and no longer having a comfortable place to go when I visit. Lex was already struggling to manage their time before incorporating the new relationship, and now time management is even more complicated. There were very few conversations between Lex and I about these changes before they happened, and I didn't see it coming. I didn't have time to prepare myself. I have been feeling hurt about how Lex has handled it.

There have been many miscommunications about time management, and instances of my time with Lex being cut into due to changing needs and schedules of their partners. Lex also has a new job in which they are working significantly more than they were when we met which has left me feeling.... Well, like I have a partner from Saturday night to Sunday afternoon and that's about it. Despite this, Lex has continued to form new connections and went on a date with a new person while all of this has been going on. I've been dating to look for other connections to meet some of my needs for connection, but haven't clicked with anyone yet.

I think that's all of the necessary context. Basically, I have been vocalizing my insecurities, needs, hopes, and hurts about the current situation to Lex, and I have spent the last 4 months being consistently sad and hurt about mismanagement of time, and the limited space Lex and I have to explore our relationship. I have some worries that this lifestyle isn't for me. It feels as though I have come to a fork in the road where I am deciding whether or not I want to continue a relationship with Lex. I don't think it's healthy for me to be this sad for this long. I also wonder if this is me needing to do more deconstruction work in regards to alternative relationships, and how to even do that if that's the case. I could use some guidance.

I have been trying to change the expectations I have for my relationship with Lex, and come to terms with the fact that I can't have everything I want with them, but I keep going through this cycle of reducing expectations, coming to acceptance, and then those desires and needs "growing back" and just being incredibly heartbroken that I can't have more with Lex. I don't have anyone in my life (other than Lex) who is poly that I can go to for advice and I just feel very sad and lost.
I'm open to any and all suggestions, guidance, perspectives, comforting words, etc. I appreciate you reading this very long post

 

[Bobbi]

I also wonder if this is me needing to do more deconstruction work in regards to alternative relationships, and how to even do that if that's the case.

Maybe maybe not...but I don't see it as the issue. The issue is, you are in a LD relationship that doesn't have access everyone else does. I'll never do LD for this reason. You'll never get the time and attention you need. If you are cool with hooking up when you visit but not developing anything deep then stick with it. If you need more, you need to realize that it just won't come from a LD relationship.

I wouldn't decide anything about poly yet though...this really isn't a poly problem. Yes others are getting more time, moving in, etc., and you are envious. But that's normal, and if you were there in person, things might be very different. It's very much a LD-relationship issue. Decide if it will work for you. It sounds like it won't.

I keep going through this cycle of reducing expectations, coming to acceptance, and then those desires and needs "growing back" and just being incredibly heartbroken that I can't have more with Lex.

Don't reduce your needs to keep a partner. Love just isn't enough. Find someone who meets or exceeds your needs and be happy in love.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi friends! The last post I made was about running into complicated feelings about my partner (Lex) and their partner (Em) being married and living together, and feeling sad about the limits my relationship with Lex has.

So you were already sad sharing Lex with Em. Then it just got worse.

Lex and I have now made it to 9 months and our relationship has progressed through beautiful ups and challenging downs that have ultimately made us closer. However, a few months ago, they incorporated a new relationship with "Ray." It moved very quickly, and Lex is now sharing their home with their spouse Em, and new partner Ray. Ray is a reconciled past relationship who moved in with Lex and Em out of necessity after a housing opportunity fell through. Lex and Ray grew closer through that process and fell back into romantic partnership.

This happens. A previous relationship rekindles and the more recent relationship is forced out. This has happened to me when I was actively poly-dating. Dating is a trial. It's a journey. You really can't depend on anyone until you've known them for at least a year, possibly two.

This change happened within just a few weeks and shook the security I feel with Lex. Ray moved into Lex's basement bedroom that was previously reserved for me to stay when I visit Lex, and possibly move into at some point down the road, so I've felt booted out...

Ray, Lex and Em... have formed a family unit that I feel excluded from due to physical distance, limited time, and no longer having a comfortable place to go when I visit. Lex was already struggling to manage their time before incorporating the new relationship, and now time management is even more complicated. There were very few conversations between Lex and me about these changes before they happened...

There have been many miscommunications about time management, and instances of my time with Lex being cut into due to changing needs and schedules of their partners. Lex also has a new job in which they are working significantly more than they were when we met which has left me feeling.... Well, like I have a partner from Saturday night to Sunday afternoon, and that's about it.

Yes, that doesn't sound satisfactory. You can see what their priorities are. Stop lingering in this uneasy hurtful place. You can find something/someone better for you, with more commitment to you.

Despite this, Lex has continued to form new connections and went on a date with a new person while all of this has been going on.

!!! Okay, that's enough. Cut your ties.

I've been dating to look for other connections to meet some of my needs for connection, but haven't clicked with anyone yet.

It takes patience and time.

I have spent the last 4 months being consistently sad and hurt about mismanagement of time, and the limited space Lex and I have to explore our relationship. I have some worries that this lifestyle isn't for me.

Polyamory isn't really a lifestyle. A lot of the parameters you find in mono relationships are still valid. If someone is spread too thin (as Lex is, with their nesting partners, you, and yet another new dating partner), they might just be a NRE junky, drunk on the excitement of new love and old love and juggling everyone. You're too far away to be really involved, but Lex will keep using you as long as you keep showing up. Otherwise, it seems you're out of sight, out of mind.

When these kinds of situations happened to me, and I saw all they had to offer, I just got out and kept up my search for someone who really cared about me, and lived closer by, showed they truly cared about me, and wanted to spend the "right" amount of time with me that I needed to feel valued and satisfied.

I am deciding whether or not I want to continue a relationship with Lex. I don't think it's healthy for me to be this sad for this long.

Of course it's not right to be so sad so early into a relationship. If it's that sad now, it's not going to be better. Lex isn't invested in making it better.

I also wonder if this is me needing to do more deconstruction work in regards to alternative relationships, and how to even do that if that's the case. I could use some guidance.

Please look at our resource list here. (You might start with the book Opening Up and the Multiamory podcast.

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

I have been trying to change the expectations I have for my relationship with Lex, and come to terms with the fact that I can't have everything I want with them, but I keep going through this cycle of reducing expectations, coming to acceptance, and then those desires and needs "growing back" and just being incredibly heartbroken that I can't have more with Lex.

You might look at the roots of why you are willing to accept less than you deserve. Polyamory is meant to work better than this.

I don't have anyone in my life (other than Lex) who is poly that I can go to for advice and I just feel very sad and lost.
I'm open to any and all suggestions.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ToriLou,

It sounds like you have something of a dilemma about whether you should move in with Lex and Em, what with Lex's new relationship with Ray. Could Ray move into the room with cat access? Then there is the fact that Lex lives in a city you don't really want to live in. Plus you are hurt over the way Lex handled this new relationship. And Lex has continued to form new connections. I'm sorry you couldn't have more with Lex. That sounds really heartbreaking. It sounds like Lex has really moved forward with this relationship with Ray, without consulting you. Plus with Lex's new job, there is hardly anything left for you.

I hope you can get what you need.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Lex and I have now made it to 9 months

The first part of a relationship shouldn't be so arduous. It's meant to be a honeymoon period.

My partner lives an hour away and in a city I don't really want to live in.

I just want to highlight this. You do not want to live where your partner does, and I'll assume partner cannot or will not live where you do. This limits your compatibility, because most people aren't up for a permanent long-distance relationship.

Lex was already struggling to manage their time before incorporating the new relationship, and now time management is even more complicated

Do you mean you wanted more time with Lex than their commitments would allow? If another person were okay with less frequent visits and sleeping in the "cat" room, would they feel like Lex is "struggling to manage their time"? Do you think you might feel like that because you want more than Lex can realistically offer you, given that your compatibility (aligned desires) is limited?

Remember neither of you want to live in the same area, for instance.

I have been feeling hurt about how Lex has handled it.

It seems like Lex is just trying to build a fulfilling life within the constraints they have.

Lex also has a new job in which they are working significantly more than they were when we met which has left me feeling.... Well, like I have a partner from Saturday night to Sunday afternoon and that's about it. Despite this, Lex has continued to form new connections and went on a date with a new person while all of this has been going on.

So, over 9 months (a short time), you've become less compatible, because now Lex has less availability than when you met. Why would you both escalate this relationship to this point when it has consistently failed to check the boxes you wanted it to? Lex lives far away, Lex has other commitments, and their availability is unpredictable and fluid. And this has been true for at least half your relationship with Lex.

Despite this, Lex has continued to form new connections and went on a date with a new person while all of this has been going on. I've been dating to look for other connections to meet some of my needs for connection, but haven't clicked with anyone yet.

It sounds like Lex understands the ceiling to this relationship. It's best as sort of FWBs, with visits every now and again, but not on a particular schedule. to minimise expectations. That's the level of compatibility you and Lex have: FWB. But you've tried to make it into a full-time serious relationship; that's why it's going wrong. Lex is just seeking out people who are compatible for something like you have with them or more. Lex is being poly.

It is going to be infinitely harder for you to find someone who can be a serious partner if your weekends are absorbed by (who should be) your FWB. I'd suggest you step back from every weekend with Lex and leave yourself freer for someone who can offer more.

and I have spent the last 4 months being consistently sad and hurt about mismanagement of time, and the limited space Lex and I have to explore our relationship

Who says Lex is mismanaging his time? Maybe they aren't, and are putting in time and effort where they feel it is best spent, given the investment of each relationship. Just because they aren't giving you what you'd like, doesn't make it "mismanaged." It means they have prioritised their commitments in a way that suits them.

 

[AutumnStars]

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so hurt and isolated.

It might be a good idea for you to talk to your partner, and see what commitments they are willing to make with you for the next few months (time, room in the house, emotional availability, etc). If it’s less than what you need to sustain the current level of emotional closeness you feel, perhaps find a way to de-escalate the amount of your energy/time that you give-as others have said.

It seems to me that Lex made new/additional commitments to others without *considering* you/the things that you both chartered for your relationship. If they don’t want to keep the current level of time/energy/whatever with you-then it should be a clear open conversation, not just letting your relationship slip and fall to the wayside when they find someone nearer to them that fits better.

 

[GalaGirl]

It doesn't matter if Ray was given the cat-free room you were promised if you moved. It doesn't matter if Ray is now part of their family. The issue is if you and Lex are actually compatible.

NRE lasts 6-24 months. At 9 months in, NRE may be lifting for you and you're seeing that this is just not sustainable as is.

My partner lives an hour away and in a city I don't really want to live in.

Whatever new local stuff Lex has going on with Ray and Em, DO NOT MOVE, because you do not want to live in that city.

You honor your own self and your own wants FIRST. That's not selfish, it's self care.

I have been trying to change the expectations I have for my relationship with Lex, and come to terms with the fact that I can't have everything I want with them, but I keep going through this cycle of reducing expectations, coming to acceptance, and then those desires and needs "growing back" and just being incredibly heartbroken that I can't have more with Lex.

Gently.... is it possible you are more into Lex than Lex is into you? Or that you want "local partner" stuff from Lex, who is an "LDR partner" and just cannot give you local stuff? And because of that you have been "settling" and/or accepting poor behaviors? Lowering your personal standards so Lex can maybe make the cut... and then they still don't make it?

Just because it's polyamory doesn't mean you have to put up with meh or substandard partners. If Lex doesn't make the cut for what you seek when measured against your personal standards, they don't make the cut, then.

Lex doesn't have to be a bad person, and neither do you. It would be like a jet-set travel person trying to make a go of it with a homebody who hates travel, just not compatible.

Rather than drag things out, it may be time to end it with Lex because it simply isn't working out.

Basically, I have been vocalizing my insecurities, needs, hopes, and hurts about the current situation to Lex, and I have spent the last 4 months being consistently sad and hurt about mismanagement of time, and the limited space Lex and I have to explore our relationship.

Dating 9 months and spending 4 of them this sad? Why? You do not need to keep going like this and being this sad all the time.

When all the choices stink, you can pick the least stinky choice. Here I think it is choosing the sadness of a break up so that the sadness can END, rather than never ending sadness just going on and on.

With a break up, you will be sad a bit more, but eventually you'll get to heal and move on.

I have some worries that this lifestyle isn't for me.

It could be that you just cannot do LDR-poly with Lex. You might be fine doing LDR poly with another partner who is more compatible and more invested. Or you might do better with local poly-dating, because it's the LDR stressing you out.

It feels as though I have come to a fork in the road, where I am deciding whether or not I want to continue a relationship with Lex. I don't think it's healthy for me to be this sad for this long. I also wonder if this is me needing to do more deconstruction work in regards to alternative relationships, and how to even do that if that's the case. I could use some guidance.

I think you are right. It IS the fork on the road. You sound like you know it's probably the end and you're struggling with anticipatory grief.

I think you could end it with Lex. And more so than "alternative relationships," get back to basics. What is a HEALTHY relationship, and what is not? What do you actually hope for in a poly partner?

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf

It is NORMAL for break-up times to feel sad. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It just is what it is.

I could be wrong in my impression, but basically you have a partner who says one thing but does another. If you are getting mixed messages, you can believe the ACTIONS, because talk is cheap without actions to back it up. Lex may have good intentions but their follow-thru is meh.

It is happening in a poly context, but it's basically meh. You don't have to put up with that. You also don't have to internalize it like you aren't enough or you stink. Nobody has to be the bad guy here. Sometimes it's the SITUATION. You're just not compatible.

Basically, it sounds like you and Lex want different things, and the stress of LDR is just too much on both sides. Lex wants to fill their time up with local people/stuff. You feel left out/not included because you aren't local and you don't want to move over there.

The solution is to accept that you two are not compatible for LDR poly-dating and let it go. I don't know if this helps you be more at peace with the decision to part ways:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

It's okay to feel sad about the incompatibility. It's okay to feel sad about pending break up. Yet you can do it anyway, so both you and Lex can be free of this discomfort/meh stuff, right?

You kinda sound like you are bending yourself into pretzels trying to hang on to it and keep it going ANYWAY, which winds up ADDING to your stress load, rather than taking away from your stress load.

I think it would be better if you accepted that this is just not compatible, and let go. And even though some break-up sadness may happen for a bit more... ultimately, you'll be TAKING AWAY from your stress load.

Galagirl

 

[ToriLou]

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so hurt and isolated.

It might be a good idea for you to talk to your partner, and see what commitments they are willing to make with you for the next few months (time, room in the house, emotional availability, etc). If it’s less than what you need to sustain the current level of emotional closeness you feel, perhaps find a way to de-escalate the amount of your energy/time that you give-as others have said.

It seems to me that Lex made new/additional commitments to others without *considering* you/the things that you both chartered for your relationship. If they don’t want to keep the current level of time/energy/whatever with you-then it should be a clear open conversation, not just letting your relationship slip and fall to the wayside when they find someone nearer to them that fits better.

I appreciate your response. Thank you for labelling it for me because I didn't realize that what I was feeling was a lack of consideration. I think that is the root of it all. I would be better able to adjust to the changes in mine and Lex's relationship if there were thorough conversations about what to expect beforehand, and I could take those conversations as opportunities to check in with myself about my needs and how I feel about moving forward. Everything has happened in a way where I just feel subject to whatever Lex chooses, without feeling like I'm considered when those choices are made.

 

[ToriLou]

Hi friends! The last post I made was about running into complicated feelings about my partner (Lex) and their partner (Em) being married and living together, and feeling sad about the limits my relationship with Lex has.

Lex and I have now made it to 9 months and our relationship has progressed through beautiful ups and challenging downs that have ultimately made us closer, however, a few months ago, they incorporated a new relationship with "Ray". It moved very quickly and Lex is now sharing their home with their spouse Em, and new partner Ray. Ray is a reconciled past relationship who moved in with Lex and Em out of necessity after a housing opportunity fell through. Lex and Ray grew closer through that process and fell back into romantic partnership.

This change happened within just a few weeks and shook the security I feel with Lex. Ray moved into Lex's basement bedroom that was previously reserved for me to stay when I visit Lex, and possibly move into at some point down the road, so I've felt "booted out".

Edit for additional context: They have an extra bedroom, but it's in a part of the house the cats have access too, and I am allergic. The basement was meant to be a pet-free space for when I visit. But there technically is still a room I could move into if I choose. My partner lives an hour away and in a city I don't really want to live in.

Ray and Lex's other partner, Em, are also friends and the 3 of them have formed a family unit that I feel excluded from due to physical distance, limited time, and no longer having a comfortable place to go when I visit. Lex was already struggling to manage their time before incorporating the new relationship, and now time management is even more complicated. There were very few conversations between Lex and I about these changes before they happened, and I didn't see it coming. I didn't have time to prepare myself. I have been feeling hurt about how Lex has handled it.

There have been many miscommunications about time management, and instances of my time with Lex being cut into due to changing needs and schedules of their partners. Lex also has a new job in which they are working significantly more than they were when we met which has left me feeling.... Well, like I have a partner from Saturday night to Sunday afternoon and that's about it. Despite this, Lex has continued to form new connections and went on a date with a new person while all of this has been going on. I've been dating to look for other connections to meet some of my needs for connection, but haven't clicked with anyone yet.

I think that's all of the necessary context. Basically, I have been vocalizing my insecurities, needs, hopes, and hurts about the current situation to Lex, and I have spent the last 4 months being consistently sad and hurt about mismanagement of time, and the limited space Lex and I have to explore our relationship. I have some worries that this lifestyle isn't for me. It feels as though I have come to a fork in the road where I am deciding whether or not I want to continue a relationship with Lex. I don't think it's healthy for me to be this sad for this long. I also wonder if this is me needing to do more deconstruction work in regards to alternative relationships, and how to even do that if that's the case. I could use some guidance.

I have been trying to change the expectations I have for my relationship with Lex, and come to terms with the fact that I can't have everything I want with them, but I keep going through this cycle of reducing expectations, coming to acceptance, and then those desires and needs "growing back" and just being incredibly heartbroken that I can't have more with Lex. I don't have anyone in my life (other than Lex) who is poly that I can go to for advice and I just feel very sad and lost.
I'm open to any and all suggestions, guidance, perspectives, comforting words, etc. I appreciate you reading this very long post

I'd just like to update everyone who responded to my thread. Lex and I have broken up. We're hoping to come back together as friends after some time passes. I appreciate everyone's help and input, especially the reminders to not settle and to go after what I need and want our of my relationships. Being able to come on here and get support from you all is incredibly helpful. I'm very sad but I think that the decision to shift mine and Lex's relationship will open space for something better in the future... Not really sure what else to say other than thank you all.

 

[GalaGirl]

I think you made the right decision. Please take good care of you in the coming days, weeks, months as you heal from the break up.

GG

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ToriLou,

Thanks for that update. I'm sorry you had to break up, this is an extremely heartbreaking time for you. I think it's probably for the best, in the long run. Hang in there and don't hesitate to lean on Polyamory.com as much as you need to.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.