Still attracted to my partners wife

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BunnyNinja

New member
Basically the title of the question.

My partner's husband has decided he no longer wants her to be involved in polyamory at all, but she and I are still very much attracted to each other, and the idea of being poly in general. I just wanted some advice on this current situation, since I'm giving them a break to talk for a while.
 
Hello BunnyNinja,

Alas, this is a situation over which you have no control. Your partner's husband has laid down the law, now it's up to your partner whether she will obey that law. There could be a divorce on the horizon, but that, too, is beyond your control. You are giving things a break so that your partner and her husband can work/figure things out, that is really all you can do. No doubt your partner is still interested in you, but will that interest trump her husband's current position? I don't think you can really take part in that decision. Sorry, I wish I could be of more help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi and welcome to the forum.

BunnyNinja said:
Basically the title of the question.

My partner's husband has decided he no longer wants her to be involved in polyamory at all, but me and her are still very much attracted to each other and the idea of being poly in general.
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The title: was this some sort of triad, or was it a business partnership?

How long have they been actively open or poly? Are or were they both dating other people? Do you know what prompted him to want to close the relationship?

We see people get dumped and then they reflectively get humiliated and pissy and then want to close. Those never seem to hold up because of the neediness and insecurity on display.

BunnyNinja said:
I just wanted some advice on this current situation since I'm giving them a break to talk for a while.
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dingedheart said:
The title: was this some sort of triad, or was it a business partnership?

How long have they been actively open or poly? Are or were they both dating other people? Do you know what prompted him to want to close the relationship? We see people get dumped, and then they reflectively get humiliated and pissy and then want to close. Those never seem to hold up because of the neediness and insecurity on display.
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Long story short, my friend and her husband reached out to me and my girlfriend with the prospect of polyamory, and there was a lot of miscommunication that happened, so we were in the recovery process of that.

Her husband up until now was slowly trying to give me and also her a second chance, but randomly decided to tell her that she's not allowed to be poly anymore, with me or another partner they have, either.

As far as I know they've only been poly for a few months now with one other partner they both see, before me and my girlfriend had gotten involved with them.

I'm not entirely sure what prompted him to close the relationship other than his own insecurities. I won't get into what happened, but he had the right to feel hurt and betrayed, but in my mind, we were on the road to recovery until everything got shut down. I just know his wife and I are still very interested in being together, because we talked about it all the time.
 
Walk away. Whatever went wrong it's too much for them/him to deal with and you'll just be putting yourself in the firing line for more grief if you persist. That attraction you still feel will fade over time if you go non contact. Do yourself that favor. Let this fade into the past.
 
My partner's husband has decided he no longer wants her to be involved in polyamory at all, but me and her are still very much attracted to each other and the idea of being poly in general. I just wanted some advice on this current situation since I'm giving them a break to talk for a while.
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Who told you all that? Husband? Lady? Both? Is Lady oversharing stuff from that side of the V on to you rather than just dealing with it herself?

How long is this break? A week? A month? At the end of that time, if Lady is still dragging it out, I think that's where you get to tell her, "I'm sorry to hear that. But I don't want to be in limbo. So let's just call this broken up. You can look me up if you are ever free of this husband."

Then bow out, walk away, live your life.

I get you two are very attracted to each other, but that's not the only thing required for deep compatibility. She doesn't sound like she has a solid relationship to offer you.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
Who told you all that? Husband? Lady? Both? Is Lady oversharing stuff from that side of the V on to you rather than just dealing with it herself?

How long is this break? A week? A month? At the end of that time, if Lady is still dragging it out, I think that's where you get to tell her, "I'm sorry to hear that. But I don't want to be in limbo. So let's just call this broken up. You can look me up if you are ever free of this husband."

Then bow out, walk away, live your life.

I get you two are very attracted to each other, but that's not the only thing required for deep compatibility. She doesn't sound like she has a solid relationship to offer you.

Galagirl
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She and I have been friends since we were kids, actually. She's always had a crush on me. I developed feelings for her too, but it just never really worked out until now, basically. She and her current husband have been together for like 12 years, but only married for 2.

Now we've both kind of accepted that our feelings are okay and are desperately trying to make it work.

She's been communicating everything through me that her husband was saying to her. Originally he just wanted us to stop talking for a month, but immediately afterwards she told me she's not allowed to be poly and I still have to wait a month to talk to her.
 
Whew, that's rough. It does sound like you and she were meant to be together, you just have to get through the next month so you can find out if that can happen.
 
Thank you for more info.

Now we've both kind of accepted that our feelings are okay and are desperately trying to make it work.
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Your feelings are okay. You two can feel whatever you feel. But your behaviors matter.

What does "trying to make it work" even mean when she doesn't have healthy polyamory to offer you right now?

What do you hope will happen?

She's been communicating everything through me right now that her husband was saying to her and originally he just wanted us to stop talking for a month, but immediately after she told me she's not allowed to be poly and I still have to wait a month to talk to her.
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To me, it sounds like she is oversharing things with you. She is telling you about private conversations between (him and her). He's not gonna like that. You wouldn't like it the other way -- if she were blabbing private conversation between (you and her) to the husband.

It would have been better if she said, "I'm having marriage problems. I can't date you right now. Is it okay to look you back up once I'm free?" and then dealt with her stuff at home.

Here? They are really messy right now. She's oversharing. I don't see how this is any good for you.

My suggestion above doesn't change. If you were doing some kind of waiting for a month, wait. And then when you talk to her, if it there are just more problems, bow out. Spare yourself more stress/grief.

Galagirl
 
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Ehhh, their marriage is over, they just haven't admitted it to themselves yet. But if you are too close to the break up, you'll be the bad guy. It certainly adds another layer of complexity that you're a childhood friend rather than a random from a dating app, but they sound like the full cliche:

Relationship flailing, get married.
Relationship still not working, open up.
Relationship terrible, close again in panic.
Eventually they'll get to relationship over, but this is just so cliched that there's probably going to be a baby as a last resort.
 
Evie said:
Ehhh, their marriage is over. They just haven't admitted it to themselves yet. But if you are too close to the break up, you'll be the bad guy. It certainly adds another layer of complexity that you're a childhood friend rather, than a random from a dating app, but they sound like the full cliche:

Relationship flailing, get married.
Relationship still not working, open up.
Relationship terrible, close again in panic.
Eventually they'll get to "relationship over," but this is just so cliched that there's probably going to be a baby as a last resort.
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As far as I know, their marriage/relationship has been fine up until now. When we were still able to talk, she expressed she doesn't want to leave her husband. So I'm not sure if it's a consideration at this point. I mostly made this post as a way to consider whatever options I may have. But I know that all I can really do is wait.
 
The respectful thing to do is not to push or pursue or seduce. Offer platonic friendship to continue (perhaps after a few weeks break to cool down and process feelings) if that's not too painful. Let them sort out if they are open or not and protect yourself by not getting involved until they are crystal clear on that.
 
BunnyNinja said:
As far as I know, their marriage/relationship has been fine up until now. When we were still able to talk, she expressed she doesn't want to leave her husband. So I'm not sure if it's a consideration at this point. I mostly made this post as a way to consider whatever options I may have. But I know that all I can really do is wait.
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Don't forget to check in with yourself often about how you're feeling about the sudden shift, especially if it does end with them separating and you staying together. While you can't control their relationship, it's valid to be emotionally impacted by the difficult situation. I hope it works out well. :)
 
Tinwen said:
The respectful thing to do is not to push or pursue or seduce. Offer platonic friendship to continue (perhaps after a few weeks break to cool down and process feelings) if that's not too painful. Let them sort out if they are open or not and protect yourself by not getting involved until they are crystal clear on that.
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Yeah, that's essentially what I feel like I'm doing right now, honestly. I'm a lot more convinced that the next time I hear back from her, it'll be with good news. I think we all just needed time apart, and she and her husband needed time together to work it out.
 
YesThisIsDog242 said:
Don't forget to check in with yourself often about how you're feeling about the sudden shift, especially if it does end with them separating and you staying together. While you can't control their relationship, it's valid to be emotionally impacted by the difficult situation. I hope it works out well. :)
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Thanks! I've actually been jotting down my feelings every day, just to kinda get it out there, and it's definitely been helping. I'm not sure if I'll share it with either of them when the time is done, but it's helping me cope with not being able to talk with them right now.
 
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