Still learning to ride the wave

Figured I'd start a blog on here! The name is really just because I'm still learning a lot about myself while realizing how little I have control over. Plus I'm originally from a beach town and really miss the ocean. Anyway....

Working a lot on doing things by myself/for myself lately. I definitely have an issue with codependence, but I've found that I actually have more to give the people I care about when I give myself what I need first (who would've thought?!). I've started volunteering at a homeless shelter in town. The residents always say thank you but I really do it for myself lol. If I don't help someone at least once a week I start questioning wtf my purpose is. I sometimes envy Joe and P; their jobs allow them to help real people in real time (they both work in healthcare). Getting my PhD sometimes feels like I'm stuck in some bubble doing experiments that will benefit no one but me, just to get my degree and make money some day. Still being in school is amazing bc my schedule is crazy flexible (stayed in bed cuddling today until 10a lol) but also, I can't turn my brain off when I come home the way I hope I will when I'm in my career. I have dreams about pipetting/running PCRs/planning experiments lol.

I've started making more music! I dick around on the piano and sing a bit. Started making my own beats using my keyboard. I stopped making music when my computer got too slow, but now that I have a new one I feel like the only limit I have is how much time I want to spend working on skills. Also practicing guitar skills again, but still building up calluses + dealing with my baby hands reaching the frets. It's a work in progress.

Still doing yoga. Waiting on the studio I work at to start sign ups for 200 hour teacher training. I've been a karma yogi (cleaning floors, picking up around studio for a free membership) at hot yoga studios for almost 5 years now, and I'm definitely ready to teach my own class and actually get paid. Yoga is amazing. If I couldn't do at least one class a week I might come unhinged haha. It's awesome how doing yoga regularly can bleed into everyday activities, until all of a sudden I'm vacuuming while in half moon pose :D

Finally got my scuba license; it took almost 1.5 years from initial class to passing the written test. I have been saving flights on kayak to Hawaii, the Seychelles, US Virgin islands.... probably won't go on my first solo open water dive until 2023 or end of 2022 but I'm looking forward to it. My friend has her license as well and we've started bookmarking places we want to dive at. She also just moved in with us (me, Joe, P, and one of Joe's childhood friends) which has been going well so far. It's really nice having another woman in the house tbh, and it's cool that she knows about me and P's relationship. She was someone I confided in a lot when we first started dating, and she's queer so she's pretty open minded and doesn't ask the weird questions.

I'm probably most proud of my new skincare routine :) it took until I was 25 to start one, but I definitely understand why so many people swear by it. It provides great bookends to my day.

None of this has anything to do with polyamory, but I'm really satisfied with myself for working on all of these hobbies/interests of mine. Some of them were started during the pandemic, others I have done my whole life. When me and P started dating, I neglected a lot of the things that made me happy. I was super stressed out and trying to figure out how I felt about P, anxious about the future of me and Joe's relationship, feeling depressed, worried about being enough for both Joe and P, guilt, etc. I didn't feel like myself for a bit.

Me, P and Joe went to see the Weeknd (an RnB/pop singer) last week. It was amazing. I am so glad that we can go to concerts again; there's nothing like hearing an album you have played a thousand times performed live. There are songs that take me back in time to when me, Joe and P first started hanging out, all the trips we've gone on together, nights skateboarding around and dancing in parking lots when everything was closed during the the pandemic...
I definitely think next time I go to a concert I'm going to lay off the weed though; there were quite a few people commenting on my body/what I was wearing (it wasn't that crazy, but definitely form fitting) and some guy behind us started yelling asking me "which one of them are you fucking" (in reference to Joe and P; they were on either side of me) and that really got in my head.... which circles back to the weed. I have a crazy imagination and I definitely feel the psychedelic effects of marijuana. Feeling, smelling, seeing and hearing things that aren't there, on top of normal stimuli can be really fun when I'm in a safe environment, but around a ton of strangers it's just overwhelming. It's weird because I love doing other psychedelics, but I plan ahead so I can be in a safe environment for those as well.
Joe and P insist that I need to learn to ignore what other people say. Still working on this. I used to go to the Church of latter day saints in middle school (I was raised catholic, but mormons just seem so much more welcoming so I would go to activities with my friends sometimes) and I remember a reading/interpretation by one of the members in which she mentioned that "everyone has their sodom and gomorrah" in reference to the sin we hold onto most. I am not religious, but I can definitely say a mistake I keep making is caring what other people think. I have sometimes managed to fool myself into thinking that it's empathy, sympathy, consideration, etc.... but there's really no good excuse for it. I admire Joe and P for their give-no-shits attitude. They don't confront people when weird comments are said/negativity is being spread, they just ignore it ("🎶we flying over the bullshit🎶"). I'm glad I surround myself with people who can bring this out in me.

Been bumping Beyonce's Renaissance album. It's amazing and I recommend it to literally anyone who likes RnB/EDM/dance hall music. It's really fun to dance to and a big confidence booster. Also an awesome gym mix.
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I just wanted to say congrats on starting a blog!

If you welcome comments, you could say so. If you get unhelpful or rude comments, mods can help with that. Just let us know. I have a comment to make about not letting others' opinions or feedback bother you (especially uninvited ones) but I'll wait til you give the go ahead for helpful comments. :)
 
I just wanted to say congrats on starting a blog!

If you welcome comments, you could say so. If you get unhelpful or rude comments, mods can help with that. Just let us know. I have a comment to make about not letting others' opinions or feedback bother you (especially uninvited ones) but I'll wait til you give the go ahead for helpful comments. :)
Thanks!
Comments are definitely welcome.
Thanks for the uninvited feedback comment. I try to keep it in mind when posting on here :)
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I have a crazy imagination and I definitely feel the psychedelic effects of marijuana. Feeling, smelling, seeing and hearing things that aren't there, on top of normal stimuli can be really fun when I'm in a safe environment, but around a ton of strangers it's just overwhelming. It's weird because I love doing other psychedelics, but I plan ahead so I can be in a safe environment for those as well.
I’m somewhat the same as far as weed - definitely hits the almost-psychedelic button for me, to the point where I mostly am only willing to do it when literally in my own (or partner’s) bed/house - had a couple fairly unpleasant incidents in my 20’s from tripping the fuck out because weed paranoia mixed with social anxiety in a bad way. At this point I’m less caring as to what people say/think (older I get the fewer fucks I have to give) but I’m still pretty cautious about being in public while on substances…
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Thanks!
Comments are definitely welcome.
Thanks for the uninvited feedback comment. I try to keep it in mind when posting on here :)
Ha, and now I forget what I was going to say! Probably something like, other people's rude comments (like the idiot asking which one you're fucking) says more about them than it does about you. That is, unless you get feedback from people who truly care about you and are gently trying to help. If several of these people (whom you respect) are saying the same thing, it's worth looking at.

The rude guy was no doubt envious and extremely conventional. I've had a couple surprisingly bad experiences at this music fest I've gone to in Upstate NY, where my gf grew up. Since we were a female couple, I guess. I had a guy standing behind me on the field pinch my ass when I bent over to get something out of my backpack! My gf and I were also followed back to our campsite by a gaggle of young men/boys who were acting in a threatening manner. Luckily they desisted when we rejoined our friends by our tents. Cowards!
 
I’m somewhat the same as far as weed - definitely hits the almost-psychedelic button for me, to the point where I mostly am only willing to do it when literally in my own (or partner’s) bed/house - had a couple fairly unpleasant incidents in my 20’s from tripping the fuck out because weed paranoia mixed with social anxiety in a bad way. At this point I’m less caring as to what people say/think (older I get the fewer fucks I have to give) but I’m still pretty cautious about being in public while on substances…
ahhh social anxiety. yeah idk if I'll ever really outgrow it.. sometimes im unsure if it's caring what other people think or fearing for my own safety when around a bunch of unpredictable humans. probably a combination. but weed + social anxiety is definitely a recipe for disaster hahaha
 
Ha, and now I forget what I was going to say! Probably something like, other people's rude comments (like the idiot asking which one you're fucking) says more about them than it does about you. That is, unless you get feedback from people who truly care about you and are gently trying to help. If several of these people (whom you respect) are saying the same thing, it's worth looking at.
i definitely take in feedback from ppl who care. it's filtering that feedback and dumping the comments from ppl who don't have my best interests in mind that is hard. one thing i wasn't ready for when I started to date P is all of the opinions i would get from acquaintances & absolute strangers. still adjusting; opinions ranging from "you go girl" to "wow you think you really deserve this?", to invasive sex questions, none of which are productive imo. therapy helps. it's nice to have someone to talk to who actually gets why all these comments are obnoxious.
The rude guy was no doubt envious and extremely conventional. I've had a couple surprisingly bad experiences at this music fest I've gone to in Upstate NY, where my gf grew up. Since we were a female couple, I guess. I had a guy standing behind me on the field pinch my ass when I bent over to get something out of my backpack! My gf and I were also followed back to our campsite by a gaggle of young men/boys who were acting in a threatening manner. Luckily they desisted when we rejoined our friends by our tents. Cowards!
if there isn't another man/people around some men will literally do whatever. have had similar experiences even when I just walk away from J and P for a few minutes, or when i go out with my girlfriends. Some men have harassed me just to get a reaction from one of them and figure out who im dating. Little did they know J and P are pacifists, but I'm not :devilish: I started taking krav maga classes after some guy at a music festival tried to punch me in the face. i have too much of a mouth on me to not know how to defend myself, i guess :)

i would love to know on average how big of a group a woman has to be in to dissuade creepy dudes from trying to take advantage of them haha
 
I’m somewhat the same as far as weed - definitely hits the almost-psychedelic button for me, to the point where I mostly am only willing to do it when literally in my own (or partner’s) bed/house - had a couple fairly unpleasant incidents in my 20’s from tripping the fuck out because weed paranoia mixed with social anxiety in a bad way. At this point I’m less caring as to what people say/think (older I get the fewer fucks I have to give) but I’m still pretty cautious about being in public while on substances…
A funny story (now it's funny anyway): one time i got so high i thought i shit myself in public. Do I have a history of incontinence? nope. But I got separated from my group and was CONVINCED that I shit myself and everyone knew hahaha the more i tripped out the more people stared at me. it was awful. I looked on reddit, apparently delusions of shitting oneself when high is, if not common, experienced by other people, which is comforting i guess 😂
 
This weekend was pretty trash. Felt like a lot of steps backwards for me mentally and for my relationship w/ Joe. I went on a date w P Friday, which was nice. Went to an art walk and then watched new game of thrones spinoff with our roommate. joe was in a mood about it Saturday. He asked me if me and P had had sex… it was something he hadn’t asked in almost a year. I answered yes… should’ve said something about boundaries there but just wanted to be honest in that moment.
We talked a lot on Saturday about my relationship with P, how it had unfolded and all the mistakes we had made. It felt really raw. All three of us have never known what this is “supposed” to look like, and at times it’s felt really alienating. I felt resentful and also guilty that my time with Joe was about P. We deserve that time to enjoy each other’s company.
Sunday was pretty decent. Hung out with friends. P was pretty distant, now i think he just wasn’t physically feeling good, but I let it get to me because I was in my head from the day before. I basically just shut down how I was feeling about P and gave him space, but not before Joe noticed how I was feeling.
Monday was awful. I woke up feeling sick (in the middle of my period) and joe was just staring at the tapestry of two people kissing on our ceiling. I asked him what he was thinking and said he was thinking about me and P. I have a habit of asking how people are feeling if I think something is up and trying to feel with them, especially in Joe’s case. We basically went back and forth all day, just like Saturday, about why I feel the way I do about P and how that has made Joe’s life difficult. We haven’t talked like that in so long. It was so weird, just like I said… as if we took a bunch of steps backwards.
There were so many times when I should have just kept to myself, stopped asking how everyone else was feeling and just walked away. I wanted to suffer, I think. If Joe was feeling a certain way I didn’t want him to be alone. I also clearly had a hard time separating the two relationships, which is something I struggled with early on.
I think this week I’m going to stick to myself more. Just try to get through it, do some yoga, and keep busy. We’ll see how next weekend goes.

*edit*: after rubbing sleep out of my eyes and talking with Joe, things are a bit better. apologies shared on both sides for a shitty weekend. I think there was some animosity stored from a lack of time spent together just him and I and some crappy communication lately. Stinks that the entire nature of me and P's relationship was pulled into focus, when really Joe and I's relationship just needed some TLC. I'll say for the 1 millionth time that I wish Joe had a therapist. We talked about that a bit, but no steps in that direction yet. We're going on a date to see one of our favorite artists this weekend, so that should be fun. Still going to stick to myself this week other than that. I have a painting I've been working on that will feel nice to finish.
 
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Going to try to write here about once a week when possible.
Went to see that concert with Joe last week. It was awesome :) He was very positive, and after having somewhat of an outburst of negative emotions for the past couple weekends it was nice to just share time together and focus on each other.
While I didn't like going through it while it was happening, there are several reasons why so much negativity was being shared between Joe and I recently. P moved his schedule around to be off every weekend so that he could hang out with me more. This means that almost every Friday and sometimes Saturday we get to spend time together just me and him, which has been awesome! P's schedule sucked for so long; I felt either like we were two ships passing in the night or that I always had to change my schedule around to make time to see him. That was made more difficult by the fact that P and I don't act like a "couple" in front of Joe or anyone else... all our intimate moments were confined to his room or being out in public with strangers. It has felt like we're in a real, sustainable relationship for several months now; one that works for him and I.
After talking with Joe, it seems that he was hurt in hearing about us going on dates, watching our favorite tv shows together, etc. Joe's schedule can be sporadic because he's a travel nurse and he really just works when they need him... he often works weekends and while I've tried to work in lab on the weekends to get a day off during the week with him, it's not really possible to do consistently since everyone else in the building (support staff, other scientists, my advisor, students I'm TAing) are in M-F.
I think that Joe got very comfortable with all the limits I mentioned above being imposed on P and I. It was pretty easy for him to feel accepting of me and P's relationship when he didn't have to see it... or hear about it... and he witnessed me getting flustered and frustrated pretty often with P's lack of availability. I don't think he saw me and P lasting. Over the weeks leading up to P changing his schedule, there were lots of comments from him about how P having another partner would make things easier, comments about it not working, me not getting what I needed from him, etc. Now that that time in P and I's relationship is over, I have learned that I need to NOT share things between the two of them and actually treat both as separate relationships. This has been easier said than done for me. It's not too hard to keep my relationships separate when I'm feeling good, but when I get stressed I resort to some codependency bullshit with Joe, and he reciprocates by brainstorming to fix my problems and taking them on as his own. It's not good for either of us. I have a pretty good group of friends now that I'm out to, so I have been trying to talk with them about the good things (i.e. stories about dates with P so I feel as if I can share some facet of our relationship with my friends) and to address any issues directly with the person involved.
I know that I should be able to comfort myself (especially when I know the shit I'm worrying about is not a reality), but sometimes I want words without this "solution based" problem solving crap. Can I just complain??? I get overwhelmed and frustrated and sometimes if I bring it up it's as if I'm trying to end things/make major changes/etc. :rolleyes: both P and Joe want me to be happy... to me happiness looks like finding joy in the activities and people you love, but there will always be something out of our control. That's okay. Perhaps their reactions are a reflection of how I portray my emotions. I am different from both of them in that I'm very expressive and sometimes dramatic. To both Joe and P, it looks world ending. To me, it's just how I deal with things. I grew up in a dramatic, screaming, whining household. My parents have basically been children their whole lives, and from middle school onwards I felt as if I was raising them (enter codependent behavior: I still find it hard to believe that people love me even if they don't NEED me). I'm probably a giant baby. Working on that. I don't want to be like my parents, and I don't want any partner or friend of mine enabling my dramatic tendencies just because they love me. So maybe I can't complain, or if I do find the need to I should understand that I won't find what I need from P unless we have some time to ourselves (a well-timed hug can make a lot of things go away, imo), and I won't find what I need from Joe if it involves P. These seem like pretty simple rules to follow.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I know that I should be able to comfort myself (especially when I know the shit I'm worrying about is not a reality), but sometimes I want words without this "solution based" problem solving crap. Can I just complain???

Could ask exactly for what you need before going into it. Like...

"I need to vent so my feelings are seen/heard by somebody. I only want to vent for about 10 -15 min. Then go rest. Then figure out solutions myself. So this is a listening and timer job. And the correct answer at the end of time is "There, there, poor baby! I see you feel upset/sad/mad/etc" and not offering any solutions. Could you be willing to do that?"

So maybe I can't complain, or if I do find the need to I should understand that I won't find what I need from P unless we have some time to ourselves (a well-timed hug can make a lot of things go away, imo), and I won't find what I need from Joe if it involves P. These seem like pretty simple rules to follow.

Going in with realistic expectations of partners is good too.

Could also ask directly for a hug. "I feel ugh. I could use some comforting touch. Could you be willing to share a hug?"

Galagirl
 
Multiamory has a podcast that might be worth sharing: The Triforce of Communication
multiamory is awesome. I just read the podcast, thank you so much! I think me and P are great at sharing/intimacy, and he can definitely listen to venting/give comforting hugs, but is awful at providing solutions/feedback, even when it involves our relationship.
Joe finds it hard not to try and give me solutions to my problems, even when I'm just trying to vent or when the problem has nothing to do with him.
I am usually trying to look for solutions to people's problems as well, even when they just want me to listen.
It's really helpful to think about what we're all good and bad at. It's possible I was expecting P to be better at providing feedback without actually telling him that's what I wanted. We talked yesterday about that, and I think we've come to an understanding.
Thanks for the reply!
 
Could ask exactly for what you need before going into it. Like...

"I need to vent so my feelings are seen/heard by somebody. I only want to vent for about 10 -15 min. Then go rest. Then figure out solutions myself. So this is a listening and timer job. And the correct answer at the end of time is "There, there, poor baby! I see you feel upset/sad/mad/etc" and not offering any solutions. Could you be willing to do that?"
this is really helpful with Joe. he has always wanted to help me with all my problems, but as I get more into my career and started dating P, it's not possible for him to help me with all the issues that don't concern him.
Going in with realistic expectations of partners is good too.
as I learn more about each of them I get better with this. We've all known each other for 4 years but that's not as long as I sometimes consider it to be
Could also ask directly for a hug. "I feel ugh. I could use some comforting touch. Could you be willing to share a hug?"
eheh this is actually something I've gotten fairly good at. P has these long spider monkey arms that make my worries melt away. Kinda makes up for his extreme stoicism

Thanks for replying :)
 
Feeling excited! Me, P, Joe and P's sister are headed to Vegas this weekend to see Bad Bunny. Life is good. School is good. Lots of exciting things around the corner. I start my yoga teacher training next month, which I've been waiting to do for ~ 5 years. My sister's wedding is in a couple weeks! I'm not a huge wedding person but it'll be really fun to see family.
Been thinking a lot about where I want to be after I get my degree... Raleigh-Durham, SF Bay area, Austin, Seattle all have start ups I'd be interested in working for.... I've had a separate convo with Joe and P about where they want to live and they both basically said "wherever you're trying to go", so that's cool. Not every day feels this way, but I'm glad I've reached some kind of set point in my life. Things feel normal in a really beautiful way :) feeling appreciative for life today, that my body and mind are working together, and all the love I get to experience and share ✨
 
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