mountaingirl
Active member
hm... i have never needed this forum more!!!1!!! so comments and advice are definitely welcome. some new changes are coming.... maybe in a few months, but probably not sooner than that. Just conversations now.
Joe and I are still mulling through some feelings, it seems.
He said and did a lot of hurtful shit when P and I started dating (almost 2 years ago, the hurtful words went on for about a year though), and now that Joe had his first physical thing with someone outside of our marriage (see above, they kissed... due to the circumstances of Joe acting before talking and some other boundaries being crossed, I'm also having to repair my trust in him currently).
It's bringing up a lot of pain for me.... initially I was cool with it, but I got in my head and starting thinking of all the things Joe said to me when P and I started dating...
I have to be the bigger person here and learn from our mistakes. I have to NOT repeat those same behaviors of slut shaming, guilting, tearing down that Joe did. I forgave him for that (even if it still hurts a bit, and my self esteem is still recovering). He apologized profusely. I understand where he was at; we were monogamous when I fell in love with P, he felt betrayed by me developing feelings for someone else. It didn't matter how honest I was, how long I waited, etc.
It's still hard to let go, though, when I feel he is going to put me through the same thing... or something similar, at least.
The animal side of me knows that I have every right to get in his ass, to make him feel how I did.
And the human side loves him very much and just wants him to be happy. I also understand his argument of "I want to be closer with you, and understand how you can love me and be with another person, too". I can get behind that... well, now I can. initially it sounded like bullshit.
He said he wants me to be involved if he does open up his side of things. Like, me also dating this hypothetical female and being physically involved with them. Also that he wouldn't be looking for any kind of long term partner, just a fun friend it seems. I can get behind that.
I don't know how I feel about group sex though... when P and I started dating, I had many fantasies about MMF threesomes. Who wouldn't want two dicks in their mouth (lol)
but that was a boundary for Joe. Understandable. Am I down to spice up Joe's (and my) sex life? Fulfill his fantasies? I have been with one other woman. It was... meh. But I don't think she was my type. I'm thinking brunette, thicc, smart (oops am I describing myself?)
In my opinion, an ideal situation he would do all the romantic heavy lifting (3 relationships??!?!?! Idk about all that), and I could just swoop in for sexy stuff once in awhile. I know people don't come ready made like that though, and I have read enough scary shit about unicorn hunting.
Joe had been telling me for awhile that he might eventually be with someone else, so while this seems like a lot right now due to some other life shit going on, it's not a huge surprise that we're talking about it.
And what does this mean for P and I? Nothing, it seems. He has stuck to his story of wanting me and only me (for now, I'll add, since I know everything can change). The stuff with Joe did spark a conversation about P and I's relationship in the future. Joe wants to have a family with me, and doesn't think an open relationship is conducive to that, but since P and I are in a committed (and stable now, definitely stable if it lasts into the future) relationship, I wanted to know where Joe saw P in all of this. Joe says he doesn't want to "have a cult raising a family" and our kids being bullied as a result, but fine with P being around; fuzzy on logistics. hm... P sees himself as being present. He has said he would love to help raise my kid with Joe. I had a dream the other night about me, Joe and P taking care of a child of mine (didn't really register which of them was the dad in the dream). I also have a dog that they both love soooo much and we all take care of, so I think that's why the one big happy family vibe is so stuck in my head. I know a kid isn't a dog. But... yeah idk
So, it seems Joe and I's ideals don't align. But, seeing as both Joe and P want to transition from living together to separate homes close to each other, maybe having separate but close families is a possibility.
The only thing I have ever not told Joe is that I have thought about having a kid with P someday. But ... he's not ready, I'm not sure I even want to have kids in this crazy world, and that would be years in the future. Just trying to get my PhD first. Sorry if withholding that info seems like a red flag to some.
I'm waxing in between excitement for a potential love interest (for Joe, or potentially both of us) to anxiety (what will she be like? what if P also wants to open his side up and I'm hit with everything all at once?) to literal world ending unreal scenarios (THEY WILL BOTH LEAVE ME?!?!?!?!? that one always crops up when big changes occur lol)
For the immediate moment, the mystery woman is hypothetical. Thank god, because the woman Joe kissed was.... ew tbh. Mostly on the inside. He's apologized for his bad taste haha. Clearly I'm still wrapping my head around that one.
P has been very nice lately.... he said he feels as if he's "rediscovered our love"... lots of compliments and back rubs. I underestimated how nice it would be to have someone else to talk to about jealousy feels. He described yesterday, that he realized this past week (again, with some life stuff we went through) that he feels like I'm there for him as much as his own family is. That + him screening interactions between his sister and I (per my request) makes me feel like he's really taking shit seriously. And that's an awesome feeling. I definitely went 0-100 with him pretty quickly commitment-wise, mostly because I was risking the most important relationship and first healthy romantic relationship in my life (with Joe) to have one with P. I think both of us are only just now learning to trust each other to the nth degree.
Eerfghhh lots of feelings in this one. Some good, some not so good. Hoping to sort through the not so good in the near future.
Joe and I are still mulling through some feelings, it seems.
He said and did a lot of hurtful shit when P and I started dating (almost 2 years ago, the hurtful words went on for about a year though), and now that Joe had his first physical thing with someone outside of our marriage (see above, they kissed... due to the circumstances of Joe acting before talking and some other boundaries being crossed, I'm also having to repair my trust in him currently).
It's bringing up a lot of pain for me.... initially I was cool with it, but I got in my head and starting thinking of all the things Joe said to me when P and I started dating...
I have to be the bigger person here and learn from our mistakes. I have to NOT repeat those same behaviors of slut shaming, guilting, tearing down that Joe did. I forgave him for that (even if it still hurts a bit, and my self esteem is still recovering). He apologized profusely. I understand where he was at; we were monogamous when I fell in love with P, he felt betrayed by me developing feelings for someone else. It didn't matter how honest I was, how long I waited, etc.
It's still hard to let go, though, when I feel he is going to put me through the same thing... or something similar, at least.
The animal side of me knows that I have every right to get in his ass, to make him feel how I did.
And the human side loves him very much and just wants him to be happy. I also understand his argument of "I want to be closer with you, and understand how you can love me and be with another person, too". I can get behind that... well, now I can. initially it sounded like bullshit.
He said he wants me to be involved if he does open up his side of things. Like, me also dating this hypothetical female and being physically involved with them. Also that he wouldn't be looking for any kind of long term partner, just a fun friend it seems. I can get behind that.
I don't know how I feel about group sex though... when P and I started dating, I had many fantasies about MMF threesomes. Who wouldn't want two dicks in their mouth (lol)
but that was a boundary for Joe. Understandable. Am I down to spice up Joe's (and my) sex life? Fulfill his fantasies? I have been with one other woman. It was... meh. But I don't think she was my type. I'm thinking brunette, thicc, smart (oops am I describing myself?)
In my opinion, an ideal situation he would do all the romantic heavy lifting (3 relationships??!?!?! Idk about all that), and I could just swoop in for sexy stuff once in awhile. I know people don't come ready made like that though, and I have read enough scary shit about unicorn hunting.
Joe had been telling me for awhile that he might eventually be with someone else, so while this seems like a lot right now due to some other life shit going on, it's not a huge surprise that we're talking about it.
And what does this mean for P and I? Nothing, it seems. He has stuck to his story of wanting me and only me (for now, I'll add, since I know everything can change). The stuff with Joe did spark a conversation about P and I's relationship in the future. Joe wants to have a family with me, and doesn't think an open relationship is conducive to that, but since P and I are in a committed (and stable now, definitely stable if it lasts into the future) relationship, I wanted to know where Joe saw P in all of this. Joe says he doesn't want to "have a cult raising a family" and our kids being bullied as a result, but fine with P being around; fuzzy on logistics. hm... P sees himself as being present. He has said he would love to help raise my kid with Joe. I had a dream the other night about me, Joe and P taking care of a child of mine (didn't really register which of them was the dad in the dream). I also have a dog that they both love soooo much and we all take care of, so I think that's why the one big happy family vibe is so stuck in my head. I know a kid isn't a dog. But... yeah idk
So, it seems Joe and I's ideals don't align. But, seeing as both Joe and P want to transition from living together to separate homes close to each other, maybe having separate but close families is a possibility.
The only thing I have ever not told Joe is that I have thought about having a kid with P someday. But ... he's not ready, I'm not sure I even want to have kids in this crazy world, and that would be years in the future. Just trying to get my PhD first. Sorry if withholding that info seems like a red flag to some.
I'm waxing in between excitement for a potential love interest (for Joe, or potentially both of us) to anxiety (what will she be like? what if P also wants to open his side up and I'm hit with everything all at once?) to literal world ending unreal scenarios (THEY WILL BOTH LEAVE ME?!?!?!?!? that one always crops up when big changes occur lol)
For the immediate moment, the mystery woman is hypothetical. Thank god, because the woman Joe kissed was.... ew tbh. Mostly on the inside. He's apologized for his bad taste haha. Clearly I'm still wrapping my head around that one.
P has been very nice lately.... he said he feels as if he's "rediscovered our love"... lots of compliments and back rubs. I underestimated how nice it would be to have someone else to talk to about jealousy feels. He described yesterday, that he realized this past week (again, with some life stuff we went through) that he feels like I'm there for him as much as his own family is. That + him screening interactions between his sister and I (per my request) makes me feel like he's really taking shit seriously. And that's an awesome feeling. I definitely went 0-100 with him pretty quickly commitment-wise, mostly because I was risking the most important relationship and first healthy romantic relationship in my life (with Joe) to have one with P. I think both of us are only just now learning to trust each other to the nth degree.
Eerfghhh lots of feelings in this one. Some good, some not so good. Hoping to sort through the not so good in the near future.
Last edited: