Stop The Vinsanity...

vinsanity0

Active member
I forgot to mention I have been talking to a couple people on FetLife. I was supposed to meet one of them today for coffee, but she asked to postpone it last night. I'm not sure she is for me so I'm not too bothered by that.

The other one is quite young, but only wants a non-sexual play partner. A budding masochist. Could be fun and I would be very safe for her.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
I was supposed to meet up with Sprite tonight. She got off work late and said she was tired and it would have to be a lazy kind of date. I wasn't really feeling up to the long bus ride over so I told her we could reschedule if she was too tired. She said Saturday would be better. I told her I missed her and she said the same. I would have went over if it was the only night, but Saturday works for me.

Mary wore me out on the phone today. Her husband has become very abusive. Not physically, but mentally. She just will not face the fact that she needs to kick his ass out. Admittedly, I am her friend and a little bit biased, but I just don't see it working out for them. It's nuts. It's as if they are living the illusion of The Dream.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Polyamory can be quite the roller coaster ride.

On one hand I went to see Sprite today. Awesome as always. We had some great play time and talked a lot. She even gave me a ride home and bought me dinner. Yes, I am falling for her. No, I haven't said anything. I am just enjoying us.

So she drops me off at my place and I am still riding high from our time together. I call Cat for our usual good night conversation and she breaks down in tears. I can't come there for Christmas due to lack of funds and she is very depressed about this.

What started out as a wonderful day ends with me feeling like shit.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Apparently any Sunday time with Sprite has been replaced with skiing with M2 (metamour #2). She is also having a Solstice party that I am not invited to. I am assuming that is because her kids are involved. Gonna be a lonely holiday season for me. She did hint that she bought me a present so I did get her something as well. Something we will both enjoy ;)

Spoke with Cat today. She had a date last night that ended up with sex. She is worried that the guy will get too attached. She says she told him about us and our arrangement so I told her it would not be her fault if he fell for her. She is not looking for much more than a FWB. I asked her if she told him that. She said no, as if that would be crazy to talk about. I told her she should probably bring it up at some point. She is one of those people who is very poor at communicating, but thinks you should know what she is thinking.

The best part of my day was that my first wife (I'll call her MK) dropped the "I'm still in love with you bomb" on me today - through FB Messenger of all things. What is it with my exes? I really don't think I am all that great to be pining after for 30 years.

MK and I met when we were 19. We ran with the same loose circle of friends. Eventually I moved in with her and we married when we were 20. I introduced her to my world of kink. She wasn't totally into it, but it didn't horrify her.

Jump ahead 7 years. She cheated on me. I was not happy about that. I had turned down several women over the years because I was trying to be monogamous. We ended up getting a divorce. She moved in with the guy she cheated with. We did have a few sexy times after all this. This was during my not totally ethical non-monogamy days. Then she moved away.

We really didn't keep in touch after that. She called me when my Dad died. I talked to her a few years ago when I was in her area but we couldn't work out getting together for coffee at that time. She did friend me on FB but we didn't talk much.

I mentioned before that she is now going through a divorce. Today she tells me she has always loved me. She said she also thinks a lot about being my slave and dreams about me. That was in response to me telling her she probably wouldn't love who I am today. I mentioned kink and non-monogamy. That's when she told me she fantasizes about being with me and would like to get together sometime. So far I think she's only talking sexually. She lives pretty far away so I think I'm safe for the moment...though I wouldn't mind some playing with her. Hmmm...I wonder if she feels like moving to Seattle.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Mary is in a panic because she thinks she sent a package to my old address. She has no tracking number because she had one of her administrators send it FedEx. How the woman is an executive I'll never guess...lol. No attention to detail.

My present for Sprite came in the mail today. I have no idea when we'll get together to exchange gifts. I'm not super happy with the quality of the thing, but it's okay. I kind of wish I had the stuff to give it a more finished look. It does look like it will be effective though. I can't wait to try it out.

Because I do pay attention to tracking numbers, I knew exactly when Cat's gift arrived at the house. I called her up and told her I had a surprise for her. She asked what that was and I told her she had to go outside and get it. She opened it up and was speechless. It was a Christmas ornament to "Wife" with some very apropos Christmas card greeting type words on it. From our first Christmas together I have always gotten her an annual ornament. In better years they were crystal or silver. Her favorite is a Swarovski. Some leaner years were just Hallmark. But this one she started crying over. She didn't think I'd be able to get her one, or maybe she thought I'd forget. It made me feel good that she liked it so much.

Elle surprised me with her YouTube list of funny Christmas videos. We texted back and forth for a bit. Fuck, I still love her. It is never going to go away. I should go see her soon.
 

nycindie

Active member
Mary is in a panic because she thinks she sent a package to my old address. She has no tracking number because she had one of her administrators send it FedEx. How the woman is an executive I'll never guess...lol. No attention to detail.
Huh? She so silly! FedEx has tracking numbers. There is no way FedEx would ship it without scanning the tracking number off the shipping label or form on the box when they picked it up.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Huh? She so silly! FedEx has tracking numbers. There is no way FedEx would ship it without scanning the tracking number off the shipping label or form on the box when they picked it up.

IKR? She finally found the email to her admin and it did have the wrong address. Her admin gave her the fedex password so she could check tracking. It showed delivered on Wed so I went over there and told the people I wanted my package...lol. It had a vape pen, blackberry phone, a power block, and a card with a visa gift card. I was shocked it was all there. My Christmas Adventure.
 
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vinsanity0

Active member
So, spending Christmas alone wasn't completely horrible. I ended up hearing from all my ladies, including my daughters.

Elle wished me a Merry Christmas. We talked a bit and made plans to see each other soon.

Mary and I texted for a little bit. I let her know the vape pen and power block were working great.

Cat and I talked for a bit before and after she went over to our friends place. She sent me pics of the outdoor fire they had...even though it was 80 degrees out...lol. Cat's gift to me was to decorate the house and send me pics so I would have a sense of Christmas at home even though I can't be there.That was sweet and made me feel good for her because I think she would have been depressed if she hadn't done it.

Sprite texted me for a bit. I told her I hoped to see her soon and I had something for her.

MK...well I had jokingly said she should send me some naked selfies for Christmas - and she did! Then she flirted with me heavily until her grandkids got there. She said it was her best Christmas ever.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Well the holiday season only served to remind me how unimportant I am.

Sprite really only texts me if I text her. She doesn't seem to be in any hurry to see me again. Not sure what happened there. I get that she has boyfriends, but I don't think it's too much to just swing by for a minute. It just seems like that relationship is fading away.

I did go see Elle finally and we had a good time reconnecting, but that will never be what I'd like it to be.

MK has been getting all hot and heavy through texts and emails. The other day she said she was okay with trying the poly thing. I originally told her about that because I thought she would be against it. Now she isn't. I guess we are in the middle of negotiations. I told her to send me an email laying out her list of boundaries for both poly and bdsm and we would go from there. This won't work if she is not willing to move though.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
MK told me that she would like to be in a relationship where we aren't loyal or devoted to each other yet make each other feel special and loved. She also said something about realizing I am committed to Cat and she does not want me to feel like she is getting too emotionally attached when she tells me she loves me.

OK, I take this as she is still sorting through her feelings about the poly aspect and still looking at it through mono tinted glasses.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
.....she does not want me to feel like she is getting too emotionally attached when she tells me she loves me.

OK, I take this as she is still sorting through her feelings about the poly aspect and still looking at it through mono tinted glasses.

Also, a lot of men are allergic to "attachment" and women often get the message that they shouldn't be clingy and certainly never say "I love you" unless invited to do so. Every relationship coach out there advises women to avoid clingy and dependent behavior because this scares men away. It's a very strong message (that men value freedom above all else) whether one is mono or poly or whatever.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Also, a lot of men are allergic to "attachment" and women often get the message that they shouldn't be clingy and certainly never say "I love you" unless invited to do so. Every relationship coach out there advises women to avoid clingy and dependent behavior because this scares men away. It's a very strong message (that men value freedom above all else) whether one is mono or poly or whatever.

And once again I am not "normal". I am usually the one who ends up falling in love and getting too clingy...lol.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Wow time flies sometimes. I've been so caught up in work drama that I haven't been on here much. Crazy times. I had a guy quit on me and leave me in a lurch. I found a replacement, but now I'm sitting here in Florida waiting on a truck to be fixed. I haven't been here in awhile so that part is cool.

None of my relationships have been going the way I want them to. I feel like I've become everybody's comet. I travel for work. A lot. I suppose that is to be expected. I'll get more into each one here in the future. I have a lot of catching up to do. This will give me a chance to be a little retrospective.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
MK

I haven't put MK in my sig yet because I'm lazy...lol.

So when I last left off we were discussing the terms of our relationship. It all seemed to go well, but now I'm not so sure. She requires a lot of attention. When we first started talking I was basically sitting around the house with not much to do so I had plenty of time for her. Now I am more focused on work. My feelings haven't changed, but my time availability has. And now I am down in Florida with Cat so it wouldn't be right to be texting and talking with someone else non-stop.

Part of the problem is MK has no desire to see anyone else. That means she gets no attention from anybody else so she feels slighted when I am not there 24/7. She is also really into sexting and phone sex and I'm not all that into that. It's fun every once in awhile, but she tries to turn every conversation to that. I sort of feel kind of violated sometimes.

Another problem that is going to come up is my inability to see her on a regular basis. She knows I see people in Seattle. She knows I got to stop and see Mary recently. She knows I am spending some time with Cat. It is understandable that she feels left out, but I told her it was very rare for me to be up in her area.

One one hand I can see how this is not fair to her. On the other hand, I did lay everything up front for her and she made the choice to continue. Now it just doesn't seem like she is handling it very well.
 

Spork

New member
Hey, just read your blog. One friendly kinkster to another, if you ever find yourself work-stuck in the Colorado Springs area, toss me a message if you want somebody to meet for coffee and convo, or to point out a few neat things to do around here.

I've always wished I could do work that had me traveling about. I love road trips, driving, seeing new places, and have friends pretty much everywhere. The reason I wouldn't really consider trucking or anything like that is that dangerous driving conditions (winter, mountain passes, etc) freak me right out. And I doubt if you can stipulate "I'll only drive in the summertime..." :cool:

Also, I used to live in Olympia. Kind of miss the PNW sometimes...

Anyhow, thanks for sharing your journey!
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Hey, just read your blog. One friendly kinkster to another, if you ever find yourself work-stuck in the Colorado Springs area, toss me a message if you want somebody to meet for coffee and convo, or to point out a few neat things to do around here.

I've always wished I could do work that had me traveling about. I love road trips, driving, seeing new places, and have friends pretty much everywhere. The reason I wouldn't really consider trucking or anything like that is that dangerous driving conditions (winter, mountain passes, etc) freak me right out. And I doubt if you can stipulate "I'll only drive in the summertime..." :cool:

Also, I used to live in Olympia. Kind of miss the PNW sometimes...

Anyhow, thanks for sharing your journey!

Thanks for the offer. I will definitely take you up on that some day. Traveling is fun, but it can suck being alone all the time.
 

Leetah

Member
I'm posting this here, though it relates as well to your current situation with MK. I know you have been exploring things with her for awhile now but you did say

I won't lie...it did make me feel good that she said that if she could relive any part of her life it would be the period where we first got together. No way I'm going there though. If I start writing like I want to, please, someone, come on here and give me a virtual slap....

I wonder if remembering this would help you de-stress your emotional life at this time when you really could use that. While mourning such a terrible loss you have every right to put other emotionally draining things on hold.

Leetah
 

vinsanity0

Active member
I'm posting this here, though it relates as well to your current situation with MK. I know you have been exploring things with her for awhile now but you did say



I wonder if remembering this would help you de-stress your emotional life at this time when you really could use that. While mourning such a terrible loss you have every right to put other emotionally draining things on hold.

Leetah

Thanks for the virtual slap. It does help.

And I might as well write about what is going on with her. She claims she is fine with only seeing each other on occasion. Part of me accepts that because I made it clear in the beginning that was how it was going to be. Another part of me thinks she is bullshitting me and wants more. Maybe that is because she is so needy. For example, this past weekend I had a little memorial get together for Cat with some of our closest friends. She knew it would be an emotional time for me and that I would be busy getting things ready. on her own, she said she would give me space. I thanked her for that. However, the day after the memorial she told me she would have had a meltdown if I hadn't contacted her.

That wasn't the first time she has freaked because I skipped a day or two contacting her. I told her straight up I couldn't deal with her insecurity right now, I have too much of my own stuff to deal with. She claims to understand. I have my doubts.
 

Leetah

Member
If this behavior is about what you would expect from knowing her very well? Then you're right to doubt what she says. Unless you have gotten the impression she has done a lot of work on her ethics while you were out of touch then you already know she will lie about her feelings and actions. I suspect you knew what you were about when you said there is no way you should get involved with her again.

You can let the situation be for now. You have asked for space, she has said that is fine. That will give you some room to decide what direction you want to head. You can put off dealing with her until she next announces she is having a melt down and wants you to control her emotions for her.

Or you could clear yourself of the worry by telling her that you are not available for anything more than long distance friendship for the foreseeable future. You are not available for emotional support or for play.

My sympathies,

Leetah
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
....you're right to doubt what she says. Unless you have gotten the impression she has done a lot of work on her ethics while you were out of touch then you already know she will lie about her feelings and actions...... You can put off dealing with her until she next announces she is having a melt down and wants you to control her emotions for her.

As someone who has an MK living inside of her (long time abandonment issues for me,) I would say that this isn't about ethics or lying, it's an internal struggle with exactly what you mention, Leetah: MK overly relies on others to control her emotions for her. When a person has attachment/abandonment issues, it can be terrifying when a beloved pulls away for any reason at all. I'm sure that MK tries very hard to let you have your privacy to grieve, Vinsanity, but she is likely also triggered in many ways by the distance. The best thing you can do for her and for yourself is to be clear with her that you need a lot of time alone. If you can, try to understand that this isn't about whether she can keep her word, it's about how much anxiety your distance dredges up for her. If you (understandably) can't handle this relationship right now, it only benefits you both for you to tell her so. I know from vast experience that the level of anxiety you're describing about her is not going away any time soon. People with abandonment/attachment issues (like me) are similar to alcoholics in that we have difficulty regulating what others matter of factly experience as "normal." In our case, it's distance vs. intimacy with loved ones.
 
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