Stop The Vinsanity...

vinsanity0

Active member
Thank you, Karen. That makes a lot of sense. Her second husband was very abusive. Her third husband cheated on her for three years then kicked her out of their home. She did not see it coming.

My problem is I'm not great at dealing with this stuff when I am emotionally healthy, much less now when I am a total mess. I do my best to reassure her but it doesn't seem to be working. I just don't have the energy for this right now.

Leetah, I'm not really concerned about her ethics. She is free to date whoever she wants. Right now she choses not to date anyone. I do think she is trying hard to tell me what I want to hear though. That probably has more to do with a fear of losing me than being dishonest.

I forgot to mention that, after we met up in Chicago, she got a tat with my name. This was shortly before I found out Cat had cancer and became very focused on her. So we had a very good time, she got the tat, I suddenly became preoccupied and not emotionally available. The time is flying by for me, but two months must seem like an eternity to MK.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Vin, people with attachment/abandonment issues will often be super intimate (your name tattooed on her, her enormous relief that you texted her after the memorial service) or their world will be falling apart. Our relationships will reflect this internal drama and hers certainly do. We fall into intense ups and downs that all have to do with security vs. devastating loss. Again, it's like an alcoholic that is unable to control his drinking. There are very good reasons for it, but all the same, loved ones are often perplexed why their help doesn't work. Only MK can work on this stuff. Not only do you have your own very private and involving grief right now, but even if you had not, you still can't move any of this along for her. You can love her, you can support her, but only MK can do the work to come to a better place with regulating intimacy. You're entirely off the hook.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Well it's been a little over a month now. People say it will get better but it only seems to get worse. Part of the problem is I don't seem to have any support system. I don't know if our friends are just giving me space or maybe they are uncomfortable. The reality is I haven't been all that in touch with them over the past few years. I've been on the road a lot so what was our friends became more her friends.

There is on friend though. When she found out through the grapevine she rushed over to check on me. We were roomies for a bit so she knows how introverted I can be. Her visit actually pulled me back from a downward spiraling depression. A few days later I went over to her place and hung out and watched TV. It was great to get out of this house. This house is just so Cat. Sitting around here is just so surreal. It feels like I'm waiting for her to come home sometimes.

Things on the MK front haven't gotten much better. I thought they were. The passive-aggressiveness and manipulative behavior is getting out of control. How do you tell someone with abandonment issues that they need to work on those issues themselves without making them feel like they are being abandoned?

We were talking last night when I mentioned that I was supposed to have dinner with the above friend and watch a movie but my friend cancelled. She became very jealous despite my assurance this is a platonic friend. I'm not sure this is going to work.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Today I took MK to the airport. Now I sit here wondering why I agreed to let her come down for a visit. I guess I was feeling lonely and sorry for myself. I thought maybe a distraction would be nice. What it did was just amplify the fact that Cat is no longer with me. I got a little freaked out having someone else in our bed. I hadn't done that for 22 years.

For nine days the elephant in the room wasn't mentioned. In the end I came to realize there is no way MK and I will have anything resembling a primary relationship. I actually knew that before and told her that when she told me (before she came down) that she wanted us "to be like we were before." I told her it was unfair of her to bring that up and that I wouldn't ever be able to give her what she wanted. At that point I wanted to tell her not to come but she already had the ticket.

It probably wouldn't have been so bad if it was just a couple days. Nine days was way too long to internalize my feelings. I broke down on the way home. Now I feel even more empty inside.
 

PinkPig

Active member
I'm so sorry, Vince. I wish there were a magic pill to make it better. Or, better yet, to bring Cat back to you. Be gentle with yourself. ((Hugs))
 

nycindie

Active member
I am so sorry that you're hurting so much, Vin. Your sorrow and pain comes right through the screen. It seems MK isn't getting it, and isn't someone you can find solace and comfort with.

Maybe it's a good idea to get in touch with one or two of those friends who knew Cat, even if you haven't seen or talked to them in a long time. They might be giving you space or not know what to say, but would probably appreciate your reaching out to them.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Cat's best friend did reach out to me yesterday. She said she hasn't been handling it well and also wanted to give me some space. They were like sisters, having been friends since they were twelve. I had a hard time forgiving her for not calling me when Cat's situation deteriorated. I'm pretty sure she was in shock. It was probably some form of denial.

What prompted her to reach out is that Cat's mother left a voice message for her at work. Cat disowned her long ago after the death of her grandmother. She only tolerated her so she could see her grandmother, who was the woman who actually raised her. She had told us not to let her mother know anything. I would have called her after but I didn't see her number anywhere. I didn't really want to deal with her because she is not mentally stable.

So I checked the house messages (that is internet based and nobody calls me there) and found out she had called several times. She left some weird messages accusing me of "hoarding" Cat all these years due to some non-existent thing she thinks happened to me as a teenager. No idea what she meant by that. She knows Cat was strong willed and independent. She came by the house in March and Cat threw her off the property. Also, I had a basically happy childhood with my lily white family. Cat, on the other hand, did not have a good childhood with this crazy bitch and her parade of husbands.

So how do I talk to this woman? I am a very straight forward person. I don't want to just blurt out that Cat hated her. According to the messages she thinks Cat just didn't want to worry her. The reality is she wanted absolutely nothing to do with her...and neither do I.

I haven't seen our other friend in quite awhile. Before MK came down I had the flu or a bad cold or something from not sleeping or eating properly. Then MK was here. The one good thing about that is it got me eating again. But we will get together soon. I should give her a name so I'll call her Blondie. I like going over there because it's so peaceful and she lives on a boat.

Another couple we were close to is going through a hard time now. She has stage 4 breast cancer. She is still up and around, but sinking slowly. They came over to visit a few days before Cat passed away and they weren't expecting her to be in such bad shape. It really did a number on her. I met them out one night and I could tell it made her more depressed.

Our other close friend is going through some shit of his own as well. His wife left him the day before I brought Cat home. He has been keeping to himself lately.

All in all it's been a pretty bad year for us all.
 

Evie

Moderator
I'm so very sorry for your loss, Vince.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
I broke things off with MK. The cons outweighed the pros. I'm not sure there were actually any pros. I need time for myself. I am not ready to deal with a relationship right now, much less several.

The passive-aggressive behavior just got to be too much. So many baiting questions and comments. Everything a test. Absolutely no acknowledgement of what I'm going through. A constant push to escalate our relationship. Constantly steering the conversation to sex despite me telling her I wasn't interested in that right now.

I wish I was back in Seattle right now. I know Sprite and Elle would both be there for me as friends first.

I spent Thanksgiving over at Blondie's. I thought I'd be spending it alone. I was out shopping for food the day before when she called and invited me. After that, Cat's bff invited me as well. All that made me feel better. Christmas is right around the corner and it's going to suck. That was our favorite holiday...even though we are/were both Atheists. Used to confound our friends...LOL. My Mom invited me up to Ohio but I'm not up to that. I think it best I spend the time alone.
 
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nycindie

Active member
Ugh. So sorry it was so difficult with MK, but it sounds like you did the right thing for your own mental and emotional health. Not to say she's a terrible person or anything like that, but she did seem a bit too self-centered to just *be with* you without her agenda getting in the way. Ah, well, hopefully it will be a learning experience for her.

You might not really want to be alone on Christmas, Vin. If someone invites you to theirs and you think it won't be a major drain on you or too stressful, why not go. I've done Christmas alone many times and am used to it, but even so, there's always some time spent wishing I was somewhere out interacting with people. If you don't want to go to someone's big family thing, Christmas is always a good day to see a lighthearted movie at a theater with someone.

Do you think you'll be able to go to Seattle anytime soon?
 
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vinsanity0

Active member
Thanks guys....

No, MK isn't a bad person. It just isn't meant to be. I do feel bad about breaking up with her. I'm sure she sees me as a bad person now.

As for Xmas, I'll be OK. I'm something of a loner anyway. I just know I will be a mess and I want to be free to be a mess. I don't want to subject anyone to that and I don't want to feel I have to hold back. Actually, the toughest time will be Xmas Eve because that was always our time for ourselves. Xmas day was always for friends and family bullshit. Who knows, by Xmas day I might be numb enough to venture out.

Well time to get back to work. I've resurrected two of our eBay accounts in order to sell some stuff off. I'm also making some basic cigar box guitars to sell on there. I am way behind. I have so much to do at once.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Sending warm thoughts your way, Vin.

I'm glad you broke it off with MK! She sounds so selfish. btw, no one is a "bad person." That's such a sweeping statement to make over mere incompatibility. That 9 day visit sounds so draining and difficult. Especially for an introvert, and one who is grieving, to boot! What were you thinking? :eek:

Your cigar box guitars sound neat. I hope you are able to make and sell a lot of them!
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Sending warm thoughts your way, Vin.

I'm glad you broke it off with MK! She sounds so selfish. btw, no one is a "bad person." That's such a sweeping statement to make over mere incompatibility. That 9 day visit sounds so draining and difficult. Especially for an introvert, and one who is grieving, to boot! What were you thinking? :eek:

Your cigar box guitars sound neat. I hope you are able to make and sell a lot of them!

Thanks! I actually sold one yesterday. It's a relaxing distraction. I thought MK would be a relaxing distraction :rolleyes: as well as some support

:confused:

When Cat and I separated a few years ago I ended up hooking up with an ex. It didn't work out for a number of reasons. I missed Cat and realized we made a mistake. The ex lied to me about her intentions. It just didn't work so I left. That ex accused me of being a narcissist. Ain't online psychology great? She even went so far as to start a FB group for "narcissist survivors". That really did a number on my head because it bled over a little bit into my relationship with Cat.

Well I'm off to Blondie's boat for some stone crab claws and beer. It's nice to hang out with a girl who is not constantly hitting on me.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Wow...it's always longer than it seems when I come back to this blog.

So, I made it through the holidays. I did end up going out by myself on Xmas eve and NYE.

I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to do with my life. I entertained the though of getting rid of everything and just going out on the road. It turns out I figured out a way to keep this house. I've decided to fix it up. I partially blame Bluebird for getting me hooked back on home remodeling...LOL.

The house is in need of some TLC. I have been out on the road for about 7 years. Every time I came home I did some sort of work on it, but nothing major since I wasn't home for more than a week at a time. The last time the downstairs was painted was 20 years ago. Don't worry, I won't blog about it here. I am planning on doing a DIY blog in the near future.

Not much new on the poly front. MK has only contacted me once. I ignored it. Elle is a little pissed that I haven't been communicating much. I am not pursuing any new relationships at this time.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
I've been doing a lot of work on the house, starting with outside in the front. It's a lot of work for such a small area, but it got out of hand over the past few years. I was on the road a lot and Cat was never really feeling good. It is coming along nicely though.

I had the weirdest dream last night. It was so real. Cat and I and her BFF were sitting in our living room having a good time. Somehow my aunt appeared. I noticed she wasn't really reacting to anything Cat said. At some point Cat got up and said something to me while standing over my aunt, who again acted like she hadn't heard anything. I asked her why she was ignoring Cat and she said no one was there. BFF looked at me with a WTF look, but I couldn't tell if it was for me or my aunt. Then I woke up.

Well now that I've written that out I hope I can forget it.

Not much else new. I posted some plant cuttings to sell on eBay and sold one in the first week.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
MK texted me last night. I ignored it. The further away I get from that relationship, the more I know I did the right thing. Normally I am fine with being friends with an ex, but I know she would never keep it there.

Elle is not happy that I haven't been back to Seattle. At this point I'm not really sure I want to go back. I haven't talked much with Sprite. That turned out to be more casual than I had hoped for.

I have been talking to Mary a lot. With as many people as she knows, she doesn't have a real support system. She lives in a world where appearances matter. She wants to project a perfect image. I'm glad she feels she can talk to me.

I feel I'm moving more into the acceptance phase. I still have my little freak out moments, but that is settling down. Now it's more of a case of missing so many things but I know that will always be. Good memories are replacing the total sense of loss.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
I was sooooo proud of my oldest daughter on Easter. She wished me a Happy Zombie Jesus Day. That may seem to be a weird thing to be proud of, but I am an Atheist. I was a little concerned because her live in BF "got religion" and i was hoping she wouldn't get sucked in. Of course, I would accept her no matter what and I've never pushed her to be anything in particular.

For as long as I can remember I have always seen Easter as just a day I had to spend with my family. Coincidentally, it was on an Easter that I finally realized I was an Atheist. I was 23. I watched an interview with Madalyn Murray O'Hair on PBS that morning and decided I couldn't/shouldn't deny what I was any longer.

In other Easter news, Mary sent me a huge box of candy. I mean HUGE. It must have weighed about ten pounds. I thought she was just going to send me a couple boxes of Peeps (my favorite). She happened to be on the west coast of Florida all last week but couldn't get away to see me. Nosy sisters.

My Mom happened to be down here for Easter so I went out to dinner with her, my brother, and my niece. We ended up going to my favorite Japanese Fusion buffet. The disappointment in the lack of ham was made up for with as much sushi and sashimi as I could eat. This place also has beef carpaccio. Fits right in with the raw food thing...lol. They also have grilled veggies - yellow squash, zucchini, eggplant, and portabellos...just like I make every time I grill out. I have to stop. I'm getting hungry again just thinking about the place.
 
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