Stop The Vinsanity...
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vinsanity0
Active member
It didn't start out as platonic. Her husband put a bunch of restrictions on her though. It turned into more of an emotional relationship without sex. But she made that decision. I knew she had a fantasy of us getting together when we were in out eighties, but I didn't think she really thought that was a reality.
In the meantime Bella is a nervous wreck about whatever this thing is she needs to tell me. I should find out tomorrow.
Good lord, spit it out, woman!
vinsanity0
Active member
Well she told me, or I should say I figured it out. I can see why she was reluctant to tell me. This is something a lot of people would run from. I read up on it just in case I was right. It turns out it's not that big of a deal with the meds available these days.
She has hiv. It is undetectable with the meds. Undetectable means it is also not transmittable. I'm fine with that. I am glad I looked into it before I found out though. She has been living with this for 25 years.
So we are still moving right along. She was ready to have sex last night, but she had a little too much to drink. It didn't feel right to take advantage. Plus, sex with drunk women kind of turns me off. Cat always needed to be buzzed to have sex and that always bothered me.
She has hiv. It is undetectable with the meds. Undetectable means it is also not transmittable. I'm fine with that. I am glad I looked into it before I found out though. She has been living with this for 25 years.
So we are still moving right along. She was ready to have sex last night, but she had a little too much to drink. It didn't feel right to take advantage. Plus, sex with drunk women kind of turns me off. Cat always needed to be buzzed to have sex and that always bothered me.
If you want an extra layer of protection, look into PreP for yourself - covered by a lot of insurance, especially if you have a sexual relationship with someone who is Poz, and apparently (at least anecdotally, I have friends on it) fairly minimal side-effect wise.
River
Well-known member
Glad to hear you finally found out what was up, vinsanity. And that you got yourself an education before hand.
I once had to think through whether I'd be okay with having a partner with hiv who was (also) undetectable. I decided I could live with that -- though it was not an easy decision. But it turned out that he wasn't really available (for a relationship), after all.
Hiv was a death sentence for so long in my young life. But it's just not at all like that anymore -- if you have access to the drugs.
I "came of age" -- as a (then mostly gay) bi guy -- right at the moment that HIV / AIDS appeared. This was also before much of the country had begun to drop heterosexism and homophobia, of course. It was not an easy time for folks like us!
I once had to think through whether I'd be okay with having a partner with hiv who was (also) undetectable. I decided I could live with that -- though it was not an easy decision. But it turned out that he wasn't really available (for a relationship), after all.
Hiv was a death sentence for so long in my young life. But it's just not at all like that anymore -- if you have access to the drugs.
I "came of age" -- as a (then mostly gay) bi guy -- right at the moment that HIV / AIDS appeared. This was also before much of the country had begun to drop heterosexism and homophobia, of course. It was not an easy time for folks like us!
vinsanity0
Active member
I bet it wasn't easy. I do still remember some of the eighties. I remember when people didn't differentiate between HIV and AIDS. Even in the nineties people were pretty ignorant about it.
It wasn't a hard decision for me because I love this girl so much. I read up on it to see how it would affect our sex life. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. It's probably a good thing we will be monogamous because I can't imagine STI discussions with potential other partners would go well.
It wasn't a hard decision for me because I love this girl so much. I read up on it to see how it would affect our sex life. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. It's probably a good thing we will be monogamous because I can't imagine STI discussions with potential other partners would go well.
My partner Jester has Hepatitis C. Close family members of his have HIV and AIDS.
It's not an easy thing to hear. Education, appropriate medication and understanding go a long way to dealing with the reality of these conditions. I commend you for being so non-judgemental, Vince.
It's not an easy thing to hear. Education, appropriate medication and understanding go a long way to dealing with the reality of these conditions. I commend you for being so non-judgemental, Vince.
vinsanity0
Active member
Thanks for the support everyone. I have to admit I was somewhat ignorant about it, but never have been judgemental. I even answered the OKC question about dating people with hiv as a no. I feel kind of stupid about that now. It wasn't a judgement thing. It was more of a selfish thing, like sex wouldn't be so enjoyable with a bunch of precautions.
BTW, I am taking down all my online personal ads. I actually forgot about OKC until I got a message from someone I was talking with a couple months ago. I had written her off because she wasn't all that interesting.
Mary unfriended me on FB. She claimed it was accidental, yet hasn't sent me a new friend request. I pointed out that she had expressed unhappiness at Bella and I getting together. She countered by saying she never had a problem with Bella. I hate double-talk. So I left that unanswered. It's up to her to make it right.
MK, my first wife, tried to contact me by text. Must be stalking my FB as well...lol
BTW, I am taking down all my online personal ads. I actually forgot about OKC until I got a message from someone I was talking with a couple months ago. I had written her off because she wasn't all that interesting.
Mary unfriended me on FB. She claimed it was accidental, yet hasn't sent me a new friend request. I pointed out that she had expressed unhappiness at Bella and I getting together. She countered by saying she never had a problem with Bella. I hate double-talk. So I left that unanswered. It's up to her to make it right.
MK, my first wife, tried to contact me by text. Must be stalking my FB as well...lol
vinsanity0
Active member
We had a very interesting talk about sex this morning. It turns out Bella is not as vanilla as I thought. However, she has dominant tendencies, as do I. So we decided we would switch and it would be a play thing. Should be interesting.
vinsanity0
Active member
We had an awesome date night in last night. I cooked one if my specialties, Creamy Tuscan Garlic Chicken. It was a big hit with Bella and her youngest son. Her youngest rents a room in her house.
Then we had some peach martinis for dessert. Yum
And we finally consummated our relationship. That was pretty awesome.
While I was out grocery shopping, Blondie texted me. I apologized for not getting in touch when I got into town. I told her that starting this new relationship was taking up all my time. She invited both of us over next time I'm in town.
Still no word from Mary.
Bella is having her own problems dealing with an "ex". I think she was using Bella as kind of a placeholder for a future relationship, similar to how Mary thought we would be together in the future.
Bella and I did have a little hiccup last night. It had to do with her Christianity and her hope that I will some day convert. I had to be honest and tell her that was highly unlikely. She asked me if it was impossible. I said anything is possible, but this was improbable. She seems satisfied at the moment. However, it's a little difficult to leave myself vulnerable when the relationship hinges on an invisible man. We are working on it.
Oh, and I got absolutely nothing done at my house this week...lol. Bella has offered to help, but it is way too trashed. I don't want her to see it and freak out, but we'll have to tackle it eventually. I did have a hearing in private court. They accepted the will and basically it's all mine.
Bella and I have already been talking about what we will do with our houses. I think we will eventually move into mine and rent gets out.
Then we had some peach martinis for dessert. Yum
And we finally consummated our relationship. That was pretty awesome.
While I was out grocery shopping, Blondie texted me. I apologized for not getting in touch when I got into town. I told her that starting this new relationship was taking up all my time. She invited both of us over next time I'm in town.
Still no word from Mary.
Bella is having her own problems dealing with an "ex". I think she was using Bella as kind of a placeholder for a future relationship, similar to how Mary thought we would be together in the future.
Bella and I did have a little hiccup last night. It had to do with her Christianity and her hope that I will some day convert. I had to be honest and tell her that was highly unlikely. She asked me if it was impossible. I said anything is possible, but this was improbable. She seems satisfied at the moment. However, it's a little difficult to leave myself vulnerable when the relationship hinges on an invisible man. We are working on it.
Oh, and I got absolutely nothing done at my house this week...lol. Bella has offered to help, but it is way too trashed. I don't want her to see it and freak out, but we'll have to tackle it eventually. I did have a hearing in private court. They accepted the will and basically it's all mine.
Bella and I have already been talking about what we will do with our houses. I think we will eventually move into mine and rent gets out.
vinsanity0
Active member
I've been back on the road for a week.
I still haven't heard anything from Mary. Hopefully she'll.come around eventually. This really hurts. I thought we were friends. Now it feels like I was just kept in a pocket as a fantasy to help her deal with her sucky reality. Now that the fantasy is shattered, she has no use for me?
Blondie, my true friend, continues to be happy for me.
In the meantime, Bella has a problem of her own. Apparently a guy friend from her church group is not taking the fact she is now in a relationship well at all. I think he had been playing some sort of long game in his head, hoping their friendship would blossom into a romantic relationship. Now he's very angry. He even tried some stupid move to sabotage our relationship. So now she has cut off contact with him.
Her sort of ex-GF is depressed but dealing with it.
As for the two of us, we are doing great. I did end up letting her see the inside of my house. She didn't freak out like I thought she might. We will get to work on it when I get back at the end of September.
I still haven't heard anything from Mary. Hopefully she'll.come around eventually. This really hurts. I thought we were friends. Now it feels like I was just kept in a pocket as a fantasy to help her deal with her sucky reality. Now that the fantasy is shattered, she has no use for me?
Blondie, my true friend, continues to be happy for me.
In the meantime, Bella has a problem of her own. Apparently a guy friend from her church group is not taking the fact she is now in a relationship well at all. I think he had been playing some sort of long game in his head, hoping their friendship would blossom into a romantic relationship. Now he's very angry. He even tried some stupid move to sabotage our relationship. So now she has cut off contact with him.
Her sort of ex-GF is depressed but dealing with it.
As for the two of us, we are doing great. I did end up letting her see the inside of my house. She didn't freak out like I thought she might. We will get to work on it when I get back at the end of September.
vinsanity0
Active member
Nothing too exciting going on. I am currently in Portland, OR. Have the load all set up to get me towards home. I wanted to get home by Friday, which is my birthday, but it looks like it will be Saturday. Not a big deal to me. I'm kind of over birthdays.
Bella and I still talk daily via video chat. Thankfully that has died down somewhat though. I really do need some alone time occasionally. Things are going good between us. I'm trying to not move too fast without making it look like I'm not interested. It's hard because I am an all in or not in kind of guy.
I have not heard from Mary since the middle of August.
I have lots of stuff to do when I get home. It will be interesting to see if any of it gets done...lol
Bella and I still talk daily via video chat. Thankfully that has died down somewhat though. I really do need some alone time occasionally. Things are going good between us. I'm trying to not move too fast without making it look like I'm not interested. It's hard because I am an all in or not in kind of guy.
I have not heard from Mary since the middle of August.
I have lots of stuff to do when I get home. It will be interesting to see if any of it gets done...lol
vinsanity0
Active member
I have lots of catching up to do.
The big news is I am back to being single.
I started to write out the whole story but just erased it. It's too painful to rehash.
The bottom line is she is not ready for a relationship. She has way too much baggage that goes back decades. She's never resolved any if it. I've read about victims of abuse becoming the abuser, but never experienced it.
In a way I feel like a failure. I can't deal with it and I know she's not going to get the help she needs. I feel really bad. It's tragic.
So now I am just going to concentrate on my house. No dating for me in the near future.
To end on an up note, I won't be alone for Thanksgiving. My mom is in town to visit so we will be doing a traditional Thanksgiving dinner at her boyfriend's house. I'm looking forward to that. It will definitely help keep me from spiraling into a deep depression.
The big news is I am back to being single.
I started to write out the whole story but just erased it. It's too painful to rehash.
The bottom line is she is not ready for a relationship. She has way too much baggage that goes back decades. She's never resolved any if it. I've read about victims of abuse becoming the abuser, but never experienced it.
In a way I feel like a failure. I can't deal with it and I know she's not going to get the help she needs. I feel really bad. It's tragic.
So now I am just going to concentrate on my house. No dating for me in the near future.
To end on an up note, I won't be alone for Thanksgiving. My mom is in town to visit so we will be doing a traditional Thanksgiving dinner at her boyfriend's house. I'm looking forward to that. It will definitely help keep me from spiraling into a deep depression.
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
It sounds tragic and is not your fault...but I understand that it feels like "failure". It isn't. People can't accept help until THEY make the decision to.
So now I am just going to concentrate on my house. No dating for me in the near future.
To end on an up note, I won't be alone for Thanksgiving. My mom is in town to visit so we will be doing a traditional Thanksgiving dinner at her boyfriend's house. I'm looking forward to that. It will definitely help keep me from spiraling into a deep depression.[/QUOTE]
vinsanity0
Active member
Thanksgiving was fine. Bella started texting me like everything was fine. Her phone number is the only thing I haven't blocked yet.
I was convinced she was trying to gaslight me on several things. After doing some research I'm not so sure. I suspect she has borderline personality disorder. She may actually believe the things she's saying are true. I wish I could help her with this.
I was convinced she was trying to gaslight me on several things. After doing some research I'm not so sure. I suspect she has borderline personality disorder. She may actually believe the things she's saying are true. I wish I could help her with this.