Story of Elle

Poor Sarge was still hurting on Sunday. I got to his place around noon. We had a quick lunch, did some grocery shopping. I cooked dinner, and we were asleep by 9pm. He was still taking opiates around the clock and very uncomfortable. At 7am Monday morning, TED dropped the Juniors off. They are on spring break this week. I logged onto work and did some work until around noon, then Sarge and I went to lunch and to his PCP. She determined his dislocated ribs were still dislocated, and decided to put them back in place. She gave him an injection of a sedative, and twenty minutes later, he was on planet peanut butter, and she came back in. She was able to successfully reduce them, and he felt instant relief.

As of this morning, he is sore, but can finally take deep breaths, and isn’t in pain. He’s back to work as of today, and on light duty for a couple of weeks. The doctor said he’s really at risk for re-dislocation for a bit, so he has to take it easy.

I dropped him at home, got him settled, and headed home, where Steel and I watched the Walking Dead episode from Sunday night, and reconnected.

So life is mostly back to normal in Elleville.
Long time since I’ve caught up here. Life is moving along. Steel and I are wonderful, as usual. The Dumplings are fine. The house is done except for the inground pool we are about to put in. That should be a huge mess, and I’m looking forward to it being completed.

Sarge and I are wonderful, too. Celebrated four years last month, and going strong. J14 (almost 15 now) is still mentally ill, and I can’t imagine he ever won’t be. TED remains a useless piece of shit, outdoing herself with her useless parenting day after day. At this point, she provides them with nothing more than a roof, and unlimited junk food. Both Juniors are morbidly obese at this point.

Sarge parents them, feeds them healthily, has them move their bodies. Then they go back to TED, and she undoes it all. J9 isn’t old enough to make his own food choices. J14 is, but McDonald’s, video games and laziness is an easier choice. It’s a damn mess. But it’s not my circus.

I’m looking forward to the holidays. I gave my parents the opportunity to say they’d prefer Sarge not join us for Thanksgiving. They are getting older, and I don’t know how many years they have left. I’ve decided I don’t want to make them uncomfortable. They appreciated me asking, and acknowledging their feelings, and said they were fine with Sarge joining us. So yay.
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Thanks for the update! How did Thanksgiving with your parents go?

Wish you and yours a great year in 2020.
Thanks for the update! How did Thanksgiving with your parents go?

Wish you and yours a great year in 2020.

Thank you! Same to you. Thanksgiving was a success. Sarge and J10 came, and it was fine. J15 was left at TED’s house, even though it was Sarge’s holiday. We knew he wouldn’t have any fun here, and would be too much for my parents. He was fine with it, since TED lets him do whatever he wants and eat himself into a coma, anyway.

Things here are fine. Steel is “talking to” a woman we all met together at a poly meet, and it’s slow going, but going.

Sarge and I went to breakfast the weekend before Christmas, and in walked TED with J15. We later learned J10 was IN THE CAR!? (I can’t with this woman!) Anyway, she came right over and one arm hugged me like we were long-lost besties. She then told me I looked “fabulous.” It was SO AWKWARD. I just said thanks, and ignored her.

It was a quiet holiday here and now it’s back to the daily grind. I have a Vegas trip soon with the girls, Steel and I are going to Jamaica in May for our 20th anniversary, we have our family beach week in June, and Sarge and I are trying to squeeze a quick cruise in sometime in the next few months. Lots to look forward to!
I suppose I owe it to myself to close out this story. One day, I’m sure I’ll look back over it, and want to see the end.

The end. Sarge and I had a wonderful five-night vacation in an exotic, tropical location. Lazy days in the sun, deep talks of the future, it was truly the most connected time of our relationship, and was full of wonderful memories and love.

We said our goodbyes at the airport on March 13th, 2020. It was the last time I saw him.

Covid hit, and the world stopped spinning. We naively thought (like the rest of the world) it would be two weeks to stop the spread.

Over the course of the following months, TED, in true TED fashion, decided it was a hoax. She refused to mask unless she was forced to at work. She refused to let the kids attend virtual school. She continued to dine in restaurants, attend parties, and live her normal, selfish existence.

I couldn’t bring myself to see Sarge. My own anxiety of the virus was (and is) quite real. Knowing his Juniors were living half the month with someone who didn’t take even the slightest precautions was too risky.

I finally, officially, ended it in September, a month shy of our five years together. Our relationship had turned into a few scattered texts throughout the day, mostly with me feeling angry hearing all the things the Juniors were exposed to, and knowing there was no way we could carry on a text relationship for the long haul.

It was quick, and cut deep. He didn’t even respond to me for five days. It wasn’t fair to him. I can’t give him what he deserves, a person of his own, someone to be there when he comes home at night. I had to explain I wasn’t doing this “to him,” rather “FOR him.” I don’t think he agreed.

Either way, almost six months later, I’m still comfortable with my choice. Taking Covid out of the equation, the very sad truth is I genuinely dislike his child, and felt physically unsafe in his presence. That is a mountain that is non-scalable.

We have texted sporadically since then, nothing more than a random meme, or a “How are you?” with no action on either of our parts when the truthful answer was given. The most recent communication was him telling me that he and the elder Junior had Covid.

I love him. I always will. I hope he finds what he deserves. I hope he gets his son the mental health treatment he so badly needs. I hope all his dreams come true. I wish this wasn’t the end of our story, but it is. I am OKAY (minus the normal tumult we collectively feel regarding loss of normalcy).

Steel is fine. My Dumplings are fine. Life goes on. I have a Sarge-shaped hole in my heart, and memories to last my lifetime. I don’t regret the years we spent together. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone else. Maybe I won’t. For now, my focus is the family under my roof, and myself.

Well that sucks, that TED was so careless about Covid, and it sounds like Sarge went along with that. Breaking up is an awful thing to have to do, but it sounds like in this case it was for the best. Hang in there.
I'm really sorry, Elle. The situation with TED and Sarge's son sounded unbearable. It seems you did the best thing for your well-being. I hope that the new year brings you peace and light.
Thanks, Kevin and Pink.

I keep having these dreams where I “catch” Sarge with another woman. They wake me in a cold sweat. My logical brain knows he will meet someone. Hell, I even hope he does, and soon. But my heart hurts at the thought of someone else sleeping in my spot, or using my drawer.

After a couple of glasses of wine Saturday, I wrote a very not nice email to Junior16. I basically told him it was his fault I left his father. I compared him to his egg donor, pointed out all the things he did to alienate me, and every person whose ever met him. I went point by point, and made it crystal clear that his abhorrent behavior and ability to suck all joy out of every single interaction is the reason his dad lost the best thing that ever happened to him. I reminded him he is the reason his dad will never be able to have true love, because he is a disgusting human who needs help. I reminded him that his “mother” was a lost cause who will never change. She lives a miserable existence, surrounding herself with undesirable men, wasting her money on tattoos and cigarettes, and being an absolutely useless piece of trash. I told him he was young enough and smart enough to be better. He still had a chance to change, to be someone others wanted to be around, to change his path, and not end up in jail, dead, or living with TED until he’s 50.

Of course, I didn’t send it, but holy shit did it feel good to write it. It was mean, downright cruel even, and it scares me the words flowed so easily off my fingertips. But, after writing it, I felt like I had finally pooped after days of constipation. Seeing it all in black and white was a huge relief, and even reading it back today, it feels freeing.

It’s the honest to God truth. If he wasn’t around, I truly believe Sarge and I would have lasted forever. Sure, we had normal relationship issues, but none of them were things we couldn’t work through. But his issue... there is no solution.

Yeah, I feel like an asshole, and wonder if I’m a terrible person for allowing myself to actually admit I hate a child. But, at least I didn’t send it, and never will. His kid comes first, and while I understand, I don’t understand. If my Dumplings had even close to the same issues, it would be my life’s mission to turn them around. Instead Sarge is a victim to TED, and partially his own ineffective parenting. The cycle will never end, and as long as Junior16 is alive, he will continue to wreak havoc on the lives of those around him.

I get my second vaccine next week, thanks to politics. Steel and I have been generous donors for a local hospital system for years, and were invited to be vaccinated. He was able to get it anyway, through his medical issues, but mine was 100% purchased. It makes me sick that this virus and vaccine are political issues, but not sick enough that I turned down their offer. Having a plaque in the lobby and the vaccine in my arm is the thanks I got for years of generosity.

I’m hoping to meet best friend in Hilton Head in early April for five days at a cottage on the beach. We will cook, sleep, chat, drink too much wine, eat some edibles, and reconnect. I haven’t seen her since February of last year, and I really could use some time. Since I’ll be fully vaccinated, and driving myself, I think it will feel somewhat safe.

I miss Sarge. I miss what we had, and what we looked forward to having. But every time I have a conscious thought of him, I pick it up, package it, and tuck it away in the recesses of my brain. It will never work again. It just won’t.
It sounds like you're doing the things you need to do to thrive, not just survive. 2020 was a sucky year, and 2021 will only improve at a slow crawl -- if that! You deserve to have some happiness. I wonder if there's anything Sarge could do to improve Junior16's attitude. If there was anything, would he do it? or does he just want to please Ted? Anyway, you got yourself off of that ship before it sank beneath the waves. I believe that was the right move.
I have not spoken hide nor hair to Sarge in a long time.

I had to text him regarding a deposition. We were both witnesses to an accident, and the depositions are coming up. But it was very professional and short. I can still feel his hurt and anger through texts. I have just resigned myself to being somebody he used to know. He either doesn’t have the emotional maturity or desire to be my friend, so I don’t push it.

My entire household is vaccinated, so at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I got an out-of-the-blue text last week from a guy I had gone out with twice (between Sarge relationships.) I really liked him, and he seemed to really like me, but he ghosted. I didn’t follow up when he did, because I was hurt. But he texted me last week, explained why he ghosted, and it was all him. He has been through intensive therapy, and feels he is a different man now. Did I wish to chat?

We have been texting for over a week, and met last night for a quick coffee. He’s as adorable as I remember, and I really enjoyed chatting with him, and thought he enjoyed it too.

I wasn’t home for ten minutes before he texted me to let me know he DID have a great time, and asked me out to dinner for Tuesday. I accepted.

Like Sarge, he’s six years younger than me, and also divorced with two kids. But both are girls, and they are older than Sarge’s. I’m also pretty sure from how he speaks of them, neither has any severe emotional issues. So, let’s see. UNLIKE Sarge, he lives about four miles from me, so should we decide to get to know each other, it won’t involve long drives and overnight stays. A quick coffee, a midweek lunch date could be possible.

I won’t give him a name unless something real materializes.
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Sounds like a good prospect, I hope it continues to evolve in the right direction.
“The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.” This may be true, but not for me. I’m just not ready. He was a nice guy, mannerly, funny, very easy on the eyes. Basically, he checked all the boxes, except for one. He’s not Sarge. Maybe I’m not really poly. Maybe I was just situational poly because of Sarge. Whatever it is, I’m not in any place to start anew with someone else, and honestly don’t think I ever will be. I love Sarge. I always will. I don’t want to love anyone else, other than Steel, of course.

Sarge was supposed to be my forever. We had plans, dreams, and goals together. We were a team, working towards those dreams and goals.

I think what makes this all so difficult for me, even months later, is there was nothing wrong with US. We were best friends. We were wildly sexually compatible. Even five years in, we actually really *liked* each other, made each other laugh.

It all came down to TED's and Junior16’s behavior. I didn’t feel physically SAFE around Junior16. And TED would have always been an issue. Sarge’s inability to tell her to unceremoniously fuck off, and his unwillingness (or lack of power against the force that is TED) to set his child on a better path is what ended us.

For him to be willing to let me go, instead of working to find a way to make me safe around his child-- it fucking hurts. He always promised to protect and guard me, yet he was unwilling to do what was needed to ensure I felt safe sleeping in his home. He was a wonderful partner. I KNOW he wanted his child to be well. I know he loved me. A bystander could tell you he loved me by the way he looked at me and doted on me.

Most days I’m okay. I think of him daily, but usually I’m able to tuck the thoughts away in a place where I don’t have to face them. Last night was not one of those days. Every word the new guy said, every accidental brush of my arm, even when he went in for a goodnight kiss, felt wrong. 100% wrong. My body, my brain, my heart, they belong to Sarge. It’s overwhelmingly sad that he doesn’t want to posses what’s his. But that doesn’t mean I want anyone else to have it. I told new guy I was sorry, but I just wasn’t interested in continuing. He took it well. He texted this morning to confirm I was sure. He wished me well.

I am living with a hole in my heart. I miss him so damn much. I miss what we had, what we were supposed to have. Why wasn’t I enough to fight for? Why wasn’t he willing to fight to keep us together? Did I make the biggest mistake of my life by ending it? Should I have just seen him twice a month when his child was not around? He will be 18 in a year and a half. Should I have stuck it out? Slept with one eye open? Will I ever NOT feel like this? Will my children stop asking if I’ve heard from him? Even MY MOTHER asks if I’ve heard from him. He was part of us.

Long story short, I am not looking to meet anyone for the foreseeable future. I don’t want to. I want my Sarge back. I also want to be 5’10” and 140lbs- neither is going to happen.
I'm sorry things didn't work out with Sarge. What about the idea of getting back together with Sarge after Junior16 turns 18 (and moves out I presume)? or is it just too much to realize that Sarge was willing to put you through that?
Getting back together won’t happen. He is far too hurt and angry. He won’t even reply to my random texts asking how he is. I mentioned I had sent him a text a few weeks back about the depositions. His reply was “K.”

I am still friendly with my ex-fiancé (before Steel). I am still friends with people from my childhood. I keep in touch with old lovers and friends because I found redeeming qualities in them when we were an active part of each other’s day-to-day lives, and relationships are important to my mental well-being. If I love you, romantically or platonically, it’s forever, unless you do something egregious to cause that love to turn.

Sarge is, and always has been, a “sweep it under the rug” human. He avoids emotional conflict, and was raised with the attitude of don’t talk about it and it’s not a problem. It’s his cross to carry. I imagine that’s a tough way to go through life. It’s a fight or flight response: I fight. He flights.

So he obviously can’t handle having anything to do with me, either because it hurts too much, or he truly doesn’t give a damn. I’m trying to comfort myself into believing it’s the former. I didn’t DO anything TO him. It’s not like I cheated, or lied, or stole from him. I set a boundary for my personal safety, and he took it as me attacking HIM.

I’m not responsible for how he feels. I’m not his person anymore, and he’s made it abundantly clear he wants nothing to do with me. I won’t push him. I won’t even try. Five years of knowing him better than he knows himself taught me it would be fruitless.

The birds are still chirping. The sun rose this morning. I have air in my lungs, and a loving, healthy family. I know one day he won’t be the first thing I think of when I wake up. It’s just going to take time to undo five years.
It's too bad that he can't still be your friend. Perhaps he thought it was impossible that you would really break up with him, so when you did, that felt to him like a betrayal. It wasn't; you gave him ample warning. I guess he swept that warning under the rug.
It’s been almost 4 years since I’ve heard his voice.

We officially called it off in September 2020. The wedding website showed he met her June 2021, they were engaged October of that year, and married on the courthouse steps in January 2022. Seven months from hello to I do.

I want to believe she is just a rebound, a quick salve, a way to ease his pain, but I married Steel 9 months after I met him, and we are still here, 25 years later!

I often lay awake at night and still imagine the day I’ll hear from him again. I check her Facebook from time to time to make sure they are still married, and it’s like a knife each time..emotional cutting.

I tried therapy in 2021, before I even knew he had met someone; It was useless. I cried more than if I didn’t go. It still hard to wrap my head around saying goodbye to someone I love, even though there was no reason other than his child. The love was still there.

I’ve dated here and there, one guy even held promise for several months. It became apparent I was trying to put a new guy shape into a Sarge shaped hole, and I ended it. I’ve all but given up, and I’m poly only in theory now, not practice.

Things around here are changing quickly. Dumpling 1 is off to Europe soon-for medical school, dumpling 2, scouted into college football, and leaving in few months. Steel and I will have an empty nest, and I’ll be trying to figure out who I am. It’s sobering.

When Sarge and I met, my dumplings were little kids, now look what they’ve achieved! I’ve made a lot of mistakes in life, but how I raised those two (with the help of their wonderful father) is my biggest achievement- I know Sarge would be proud of them too-I wish I could tell him.

My life isn’t dreary and sad, I’m happy more than I’m not, but I’ll never be fully whole again. It’s as if someone turned down the color saturation on the tv.

It’s amazing to me that after all these years, I’m still trying to shake him. I guess I’ve come to the conclusion I never will. I’ll always have a place at my home(wherever that may be) in my life, and in my heart for him. I’ve even started hoping I believe in some sort of afterlife, so at least maybe one day we will meet again.

He one day knew this journal existed, maybe one day he will come across it again, and if he does- I hope he knows I’ll always be right where he left me- in love with him. My number will never change.
Thanks for that update. Sorry you are still feeling sad inside.