Thanks, Kevin and Pink.
I keep having these dreams where I “catch” Sarge with another woman. They wake me in a cold sweat. My logical brain knows he will meet someone. Hell, I even hope he does, and soon. But my heart hurts at the thought of someone else sleeping in my spot, or using my drawer.
After a couple of glasses of wine Saturday, I wrote a very not nice email to Junior16. I basically told him it was his fault I left his father. I compared him to his egg donor, pointed out all the things he did to alienate me, and every person whose ever met him. I went point by point, and made it crystal clear that his abhorrent behavior and ability to suck all joy out of every single interaction is the reason his dad lost the best thing that ever happened to him. I reminded him he is the reason his dad will never be able to have true love, because he is a disgusting human who needs help. I reminded him that his “mother” was a lost cause who will never change. She lives a miserable existence, surrounding herself with undesirable men, wasting her money on tattoos and cigarettes, and being an absolutely useless piece of trash. I told him he was young enough and smart enough to be better. He still had a chance to change, to be someone others wanted to be around, to change his path, and not end up in jail, dead, or living with TED until he’s 50.
Of course, I didn’t send it, but holy shit did it feel good to write it. It was mean, downright cruel even, and it scares me the words flowed so easily off my fingertips. But, after writing it, I felt like I had finally pooped after days of constipation. Seeing it all in black and white was a huge relief, and even reading it back today, it feels freeing.
It’s the honest to God truth. If he wasn’t around, I truly believe Sarge and I would have lasted forever. Sure, we had normal relationship issues, but none of them were things we couldn’t work through. But his issue... there is no solution.
Yeah, I feel like an asshole, and wonder if I’m a terrible person for allowing myself to actually admit I hate a child. But, at least I didn’t send it, and never will. His kid comes first, and while I understand, I don’t understand. If my Dumplings had even close to the same issues, it would be my life’s mission to turn them around. Instead Sarge is a victim to TED, and partially his own ineffective parenting. The cycle will never end, and as long as Junior16 is alive, he will continue to wreak havoc on the lives of those around him.
I get my second vaccine next week, thanks to politics. Steel and I have been generous donors for a local hospital system for years, and were invited to be vaccinated. He was able to get it anyway, through his medical issues, but mine was 100% purchased. It makes me sick that this virus and vaccine are political issues, but not sick enough that I turned down their offer. Having a plaque in the lobby and the vaccine in my arm is the thanks I got for years of generosity.
I’m hoping to meet best friend in Hilton Head in early April for five days at a cottage on the beach. We will cook, sleep, chat, drink too much wine, eat some edibles, and reconnect. I haven’t seen her since February of last year, and I really could use some time. Since I’ll be fully vaccinated, and driving myself, I think it will feel somewhat safe.
I miss Sarge. I miss what we had, and what we looked forward to having. But every time I have a conscious thought of him, I pick it up, package it, and tuck it away in the recesses of my brain. It will never work again. It just won’t.