Story of Elle

Sarge ended up on my doorstep Saturday night. He arrived looking hung-over, and emotionally wrecked. We talked for hours. We worked through the issues of my Type-A personality, his persistent passive resistance, and came out better for it. He claims he was mortified by J13's behavior, and just didn't know HOW to react, so he chose to not. He sees now that there is an issue there, and is going to speak to TED about getting him some serious help.

I can finally breathe again. Almost losing him was scary.
 
Things are status quo here in Elleville

The dumplings are back in school, so I am spending a lot of time playing uber driver to them, but all is well.

Steel had met a wonderful woman in August. She was practically perfect in every way, except she waited until their fourth date to disclose the fact that she has HSV 2. To many, this isn’t a big deal, to Steel, it was an absolute deal breaker. At first, he contemplated continuing the relationship, but after having a talk with a friend of mine who happens to be an OB/GYN, he decided it best to end it. We are both STD free, as is Sarge. Steel was not willing to risk exposure for himself, and in turn risk exposing me, and Sarge. I know HSV is more of a stigma these days than needed, and Steel realizes this as well, he just wasn’t willing to put himself at risk, since she wasn’t taking any prophylactic medications and claimed not to have prodrome symptoms. Sigh.

Sarge and I are better than ever. He takes Junior13 to therapy on his weeks- Ted refuses to acknowledge that anything is wrong, so will not take him on hers.

Sarge and I are heading away next month for four days. We are road tripping to Tennesseee, to his cousins wedding. It will be so nice to spend 4 days together, spend time with mama sarge and the family, and hopefully get some cooler weather. The weekend happens to coincide with our THIRD anniversary, so the trip is serving a dual purpose.
 
I am going to Sarge’s city Friday, to accompany him to the vet office. The time has come for him to say goodbye to his 14 year old cat. He is devastated, but with her advanced age and illness, I suggested it may be less humane to leave her home alone for the four days of our trip. The only thing worse than being with her while she is peacefully euthanized, would be him finding her when we return. She is a wonderful, loving cat, and was his love for many years while TED acted like the asshole she is and dismantled their marriage piece by piece. Speaking of TED, she unilaterally decided to stop giving J13 his Doctor prescribed psych meds, and no one knew until he started acting up in school- again. It seems another fight in court is in the near future. He was getting dosed correctly when with Sarge, and not at all when with TED. Any healthy woman can be a parent, but not everyone is a Mother.
 
Sarge’s sweet cat is now on the other side. I am so glad I was able to be there. I have never had the strength to stay with my own animals in the past, but knowing Sarge couldn’t be there without having a breakdown made me stronger. When the time came to pay, I took his debit card to the receptionist. I asked for the Sherrif’s department discount. She asked for my badge. I said I wasn’t the deputy, he was, and pointed to the 6ft, 215lb blubbering mess in the corner. I had to laugh, and she tried to hide her amusement as well. He has such a great heart, and he loved her so very much. It was over in seconds and very peaceful. I stayed the night with him, and he had a rough night. He cried on and off several times, which caused me to cry with him. We did have some really intense sex around 3am, both us us climaxing in tears. But, letting her go was the right thing to do. I found an old picture of her, as I am making him a memorial frame, and seeing her in her prime made me realize how bad she had gotten. It was time, and I am grateful I found the resolve to hold her as she passed. We leave for Tennessee on Thursday, and I am looking forward to some cool weather.
 
Things are not great. Sarge and I are taking a break. It 100% has to do with J13, and TED. Unfortunately, J13 is off the rails. He is becoming more like his egg donor each day and I just can’t stand it anymore. Last time I saw him he complimented me on my weight loss. He then followed it up by telling me how great my “Tits and ass are looking.” I was stunned. This is a THIRTEEN year old child. He was suspended from school twice in the same week, once for throwing a toddler like tantrum over his phone, the other for screaming and cursing at a first grader, and subsequently the principal. Of course, TED blames it all on his diagnosis, and refused to punish him in anyway. Sarge is the king of conflict avoidance, so it really upset me that he did nothing either. When I told Sarge what J13 said about my body, he told me it was a compliment. I lost it.

The bottom line is, I don’t want to be around th child anymore. He needs serious help, beyond his twice monthly therapy visits where he sits and stares at the wall. Since Sarge has the children for a full week, every other week, or leaves us with the opportunity to see each other only two times a month. That’s not enough.

I told Sarge that I am no longer comfortable around J13, and that he and TED are the people that have to deal with his behavior, and their lack of consequences to them. I do NOT have to subject myself to it. And I refuse to do so. I begged him to step up, fight for his Son, and get him the help he needs. Until he is correctly treated for his mental illness, I will not be part of it. And I am not going to be a twice monthly booty call.

He told me he is going to try to get him help, and I wished him luck, letting him know I’m here. But unless and until the child is set on a path of mental well being, I can no longer see a future with Sarge.

I had visions of a 30 year old J13 living in the basement, jobless, 500 lbs, and running the show like he does now- and it’s not a pretty picture.

I’m heartbroken to say the least, as we just celebrated three years together, but my own safety, sanity and well being are paramount.
 
It’s over.

37 months we made it. I have a lifetime left to go on. My heart is broken, today it feels like I’ll never smile again. But I know I will. One day. Junior13 is just a lost cause, sadly. I can’t be in a relationship with someone whose child I cannot be around. A mother? Sure. A friend? Yeah. But his CHILD? Someone who will always be around? Nope. The heartbreak is exacerbated by the knowledge that there is nothing wrong with US. We are in love. And always will be. We had a wonderful, fun, mutually satisfying relationship. We just cannot be together. Because of a child. A child that is becoming more and more like his egg donor each day. I thought when he divorced her, it was over. The head was off the monster. How wrong I was. A new head grew, in the form of their child. He has taken her place, and will ruin my life if I stay. So, I walked away.

I walked away from a Man I love wholly. A man who never did anything to cause it, other than choose to marry and have children with a succubus long before he knew I existed. I can no longer stand by and be part of what will surely end with the child in jail, dead, or worse.

My heart hurts. Physically.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I'm very sorry to hear about this breakup. I agree with you that J13's behavior is totally unacceptable, and would do you damage over the years. You have to take care of yourself.
 

Leetah

Member
I'm very sorry this had to happen. I think you have done the right thing though.

Leetah
 
I’m getting better, but I still hurt. We tried to be friends. To talk normally. It didn’t go over well. There is too much blame from me, directed at him. Why couldn’t he be stronger? Why couldn’t he see that his shitty patenting is the reason we can’t be together? Why does he allow TED to be such a shitty parent , too? It all comes down to the passive nature of Sarge. He avoids conflict and high emotions at all costs. It’s his M.O. to shut down instead of step up. Fight or flight for him always means flight, whereas I will fight 100% of the time. It’s just basic incompatibility. Junior 13 was not getting better, he was getting worse. I was at the point where I feared for my physical safety around him. It had to be over.

We no longer talk. I miss him. I miss what he had. I miss what could have been. But, I am resolute in my choice. Maybe one day, when J13 is in prison, things will be different.

I have had a couple of dates, one from a poly group, the other two from online. All three were ready to rock and interested in seeing me again. I guess my heart just isn’t ready, because I feel nothing.

In awesome news, at the start of the New Year, I convinced Steel to go to a poly meeting with me. He met someone instantly. They have been dating since. I like her, a lot. He does too! I’m happy for them, and just laugh at the irony. I’m now the one feeling the woah is me feelings.

One day I’ll heal completely. I guess three and half years of a relationship is going to take some time to heal from.
 
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I just wanted to say that I so very much know how this feels. And that while the hurt may last a long time, you will reach a point where you feel ready to date again. I did the same thing after my 2+ year relationship ended because of a meta ultimatum. I hurt for months. And when I attempted to start talking to people online again I quickly realized my heart wasn't in it. But eventually it was. And honestly, I still hurt now sometimes and miss my partner, but I also have met someone else that I love very much. So I have found that those feelings were eventually able to co-exist with one another.

Sorry that you are still hurting. But I'm glad that you stood up for yourself and set boundaries and are safe.
 
It hurt more than it did on day one. I messaged him. He was cold, and distant. He warmed up a bit after a while, we talked. A lot. He was heartbroken, had done some stupid behaviors in his pain. He drank too much, met a woman online, had sex with her within hours, unprotected even!

It felt like a dagger through my heart. Not that he had sex with someone else, but that he was so careless with his sexual health. He said he just didn’t care anymore. Without me, life wasn’t worth living. That struck me. I begged him to make an appointment the next day with a psychiatrist. He did. He wasn’t suicidal, as in not having plans or thoughts, but was certainly not finding any joy in life. I went with him. We talked to the Doc, we talked to each other, we made a solid plan for his mental health, and our relationship. We saw the Doc five days in a row. We made a lot of headway. The bottom line is, I am NOT the child’s Mother. He is NOT my problem. Sarge was very insistent that once J14 turns 18, he’s going to college, military, or out. He will NOT enable him. I also was able to see the progress Sarge (and even TED) has made with J14. The child hasn’t seen an electronic in over a month, and he’s actually doing better. I told Sarge that if I was going to be around J14, rules had to be set in place. Such as when I am there, J14 needs to shower/use the bathroom in HIS bathroom, not the en-suite in Sarge’s bedroom. The kids need to have Clothes On when I am there, not walk around in boxers only, and that he needed to sit down with J14 in my presence and tell him in no uncertain terms that any comments, or inappropriate actions pertaining to me were OFF LIMITS. He immediately put all those things in place, and the last few visits have been perfect.

We went to dinner Saturday night, to our local Italian, kind of “our” place. Halfway through dinner, he tapped a knife on a water glass, quited the place, got down on one knee and opened a box to present me with a GORGEOUS ring. He said he never wanted to live another day without me, and asked if I would do him the honor of spending the rest of my life in his. I of course agreed. So it wasn’t a “proposal” per se, but it was wonderful. Our dinner ended up being comped by the owner, and several people stopped by to comment on how happy they were for us, etc. I love him. So much. I can’t quit him, and never want to.
We are refraining from sex or anything more than kissing until he gets a clean std panel- which he will do in another two weeks- hopefully it’s clean anyway.

Steel is great!! Still seeing the woman from the poly meet, and happy as can be. I am leaving this week for my annual girls Vegas trip and very excited.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Sounds like things are going much better, that is good to hear.
 

Leetah

Member
I'm glad to hear things have changed for the better!

Leetah
 
Things with Sarge continue to be wonderful. We have spent time on FaceTime each night we haven’t been together, and it definitely helps us feel close when we can’t be together. I am wearing the ring he gave me on a necklace for now, it’s about half a size too big, and I need to drop it off at his jeweler to have it re-sized. In Sarge’s defense, he did get the right size, for my previously fat fingers. I didn’t realize my weight loss caused my fingers to shrink.

Steel is no longer seeing the woman from the poly meetup. He asked to see her STD results- she showed him. They were from July. He asked her to have more recent testing- she said she hadn’t been with anyone since, but would go ahead. She did. She tested positive for HSV2. She was mortified. Embarrassed. This is the second woman he has been really into who has been positive. I realize it’s over stigmatized, and quite common, it’s just a hard limit for us to be intimate with positive partners. So, it’s over, through no fault of his own. We also realize false positives are reality, but she had the ELISA test, which is accurate. It doesn’t help that one of my best friends is an OB/GYN, and gives me facts without sugar. It’s just not something we are willing to risk, when the world is full of people to date that are negative. To that end, if Sarge ended up being positive for something incurable, it would be the end of us, too. He should have his results any day now.
 
While I was driving my dumplings to school Tuesday, Sarge texted to say he was in a car accident and was on his way to the ER. I dropped my kids off and headed to the hospital. Holy shit. He was not in a fender bender. He was in a major crash. TED was at his bedside when I arrived- since she works at the hospital where he was. He’s mostly ok. Bumps, bruises and a major chest contusion from the airbag, and seatbelt. His car ( that he bought brand new in October is totaled.) I asked TED to take the kids for the week, even though he had just started his parenting time for the week the night before. She said she didn’t budget to have them for the week, and had no money for groceries to keep them. I gave her $150 cash to buy groceries and she agreed to take them. Sarge was discharged later in the day, so I took him home, filled his prescriptions, and went over to to the tow yard to get his personal stuff from the car. When I got back to his house, it was evident that he couldn’t be alone, the pain from his chest is so bad that he can’t get on and off the toilet alone. I spoke to Steel, and he agreed to let Sarge come home with me. He’s currently living in my guest room, and I’m taking care of him, keeping his meds on schedule, and waiting on him hand, and foot. He’s off duty until at least Tuesday, when he sees his PCP for clearance to return. I made all the phone calls for insurance, gathered all the documents he needed for FMLA, etc. Saturday I will take him to buy a new car. Thankfully he had gap insurance, so his loan will be paid off, and he will start over in a new car.

TED didn’t want to switch weeks, since it would mess with her work schedule, so she will have the kids until a week from Monday, which will hopefully give him enough time to heal.

I love having both of my loves under one roof, but damn, he is a crappy patient. He’s cranky, unlovable, and annoying me, but I love him so much, and I know it’s just the pain, and frustration of not being able to do for himself.

The insurance adjuster looked at the car, and said Sarge was lucky to have walked away with some bruises and a chest bruise.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Wow, that is scary. I hope he heals up okay.
 
I took a Sarge to buy a car saturday. My cousin is the sales manager for our local Nissan dealer, and got him a great deal on a new car. By the time we were done with that, he was exhausted, so spent one last night at my house and headed for home Sunday. He was still in terrible pain and breathing hurt. He followed up with his PCP on Monday, and she found he had a broken and displaced rib. Explains the pain. The ER missed it, so poor guy suffered for almost a week. He has been placed on FMLA leave until at least April 1st, and given lots of meds for inflammation, pain, and nerves. He has an appointment next Monday with the PCP to have the rib reduced (put back in place) so I will have to go down to his city to drive him home, since they will sedate him.

My dumplings are on a spring break this week, so I enjoyed sleeping late yesterday, and will enjoy it the rest of the week.

Steel has a gig in town this Saturday night, and a bunch of our friends are going, so I’ll tag along and enjoy catching up.
 
Sarge had blood and urine done yesterday while at his at his PCP, since it’s been six weeks since his unprotected sex with random OKC woman.

Results are in, and he is negative for everything they tested for. Gonnorhea, Chlmydia, Syphyillis, HSV 1 and 2, and HIV. I feel comfortable resuming sex with him at this point, since six weeks is adequate time for something to show up if it was going to.

Of course, with a broken rib I can’t imagine he will be able to actually have sex for a while.
 

MayDecember

New member
I was a wild teenager. I had plenty of boyfriends (and a couple of girlfriends for good measure!) but never could stay true for long. If things were safe, and happy, I was restless. My Mom used to say I lived for tumult. Some call it a drama queen?

We can accept that as the premise, no problem.

All I ever wanted was the white picket fence in a nice suburb with the dutiful corporate husband.

Well then, I don't need to hear the rest of the story. Because you said completely contradictory things from one sentence to the next. About your core values.

The one you stepped forward with first though was "living for tumult" as put by your mom. And it is going to be stemming from your childhood.

You asked why you do it, rather offhandishly, a question for your future therapist. Well, I charge $0 right here for that professional service and you should take the Adverse Childhood Experiences questionaire.

Google it. I'm a 5. But you will find your answers there.

I worked backwards. I googled the problem I was having with relationships. It was persistent. So it had to do with me, not them. And it turned out people with my kind of childhood and genetics make the same kinds of mistakes. Imprinting on the wrong things in childhood.

The ability to fall in love so deeply with terminal cases, as it turns out - this is an impairment. Like I had an impairment.

I fixed mine. It didn't have to do with polyamory. Polyamory is great, lol - but you still need good radar for dealbreakers.
 
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We can accept that as the premise, no problem.



Well then, I don't need to hear the rest of the story. Because you said completely contradictory things from one sentence to the next. About your core values.

The one you stepped forward with first though was "living for tumult" as put by your mom. And it is going to be stemming from your childhood.

You asked why you do it, rather offhandishly, a question for your future therapist. Well, I charge $0 right here for that professional service and you should take the Adverse Childhood Experiences questionaire.



Google it. I'm a 5. But you will find your answers there.

I worked backwards. I googled the problem I was having with relationships. It was persistent. So it had to do with me, not them. And it turned out people with my kind of childhood and genetics make the same kinds of mistakes. Imprinting on the wrong things in childhood.

The ability to fall in love so deeply with terminal cases, as it turns out - this is an impairment. Like I had an impairment.

I fixed mine. It didn't have to do with polyamory. Polyamory is great, lol - but you still need good radar for dealbreakers.


Thanks for the free diagnosis. My score is zero. I grew up the favorite child/grandchild of a very wealthy family on the UES of Manhattan. My parents are still married to each other, and I was never abused; mentally, physically, or sexually. If anything, the only childhood trauma I endured was influenza. I liked tumult because it was exciting, and made me feel alive. Of course I wanted the white picket fence, it’s what I knew as safe and secure.

I’m very proud of the life Steel and I have built, and am so grateful to have Sarge included in it now.

Since you’re no longer reading my blog past my first entry, I guess you won’t see this.
 
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