Story of Elle

Laney has been demoted. Steel and I had a long heart to heart about what he was getting from their "relationship" and what he WANTED from a relationship. The disconnect was obvious. He stated she was " much better" this time around and ok with everything. So, I decided to conduct an experiment. ( Admittedly, a childish one, don't judge me!) On Friday night, Steel and I were watching TV, and she was texting him, he was responding. I suggested we each send the following text to our OSO's and see what happened.

"Well, I am going to spend some time with Elle/Steel. Hope you sleep well, good night."

Sarge responded within ten minutes and said

"Enjoy! I love you, good night baby.'

Laney replied an hour later.

She said "k."

Steel tried to play it off that it was totally normal. I just shrugged my shoulders and realized I was not going to get through to him.

Yesterday morning, he decided to ask her if she was upset with him the previous night, as evidenced by her " k." This led to her having diarrhea of the mouth wherein she relayed that she not only had a huge problem, but was very unhappy about it.

She claimed she " Didn't need to know" that he was spending time with me. That he " lives with" me and I get all the " good stuff." yadda yadda yadda.

After a lot of back and forth, she admitted that she was not right for this, and if she met a man who wanted to date her whom was mono, she'd be out. Steel explained that he was desiring to build an N from our already established V with Sarge, and that he agreed, she was the square peg in the proverbial round hole.

She asked if they could remain friends with benefits. He said sure. What man is going to turn down that? Of course, they still aren't having PIV sex, because he does not turn in his sperm sample until July 25. She asked what FWB meant to him, and he said just that. They can say hi, chat, but no more regularly scheduled dates, no more hanging with the kids, no more bubble baths at our home, etc.

She agreed, and asked "Does this mean I won't have to see Elle anymore?"

LOL! I am the nicest, most unassuming person I know. Yes, I may bitch and moan here, but she has never seen me be anything other than gracious and accepting.

So, that's it. I feel fine about it. She now has no expectation other than an occasional roll in the hay, and if she does start acting up, he can just stop doing that. He's also extremely relieved. He is now emotionally available to seeing if he can develop a REAL relationship, spend time with Dimples when the time allows, and no longer has to play mediator. I have told him I would prefer he not date mono moving forward- although I realize that rule will limit his options. Time will tell.
 
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Thanks for your patronage, Kevin, Cindie, Mag and Music! ( I read all of your blogs, so feel like I know you!)


Now that they have moved to FWB, she is no longer welcome in my home. That is a long standing rule that pre-dates Laney. No one is allowed here that is not "involved." Especially now that I know she basically hates me, I see no reason why she should be able to enjoy the spoils of my good poly.

If they do end up making their FWB work, he can go to her house or they can split a hotel. I REFUSE to ever feel like a guest in my home again.
 

nycindie

Active member
Now that they have moved to FWB, she is no longer welcome in my home. That is a long standing rule that pre-dates Laney. No one is allowed here that is not "involved." . . . If they do end up making their FWB work, he can go to her house or they can split a hotel. I REFUSE to ever feel like a guest in my home again.

And Steel made that clear to her? You said he told her no more bubble baths, but she knows she's not coming over for dates either?
 
And Steel made that clear to her? You said he told her no more bubble baths, but she knows she's not coming over for dates either?


He made it CRYSTAL clear. I will actually be shocked if they even end up continuing. Laney is away on business for the next week, and then right after her return, Steel and I head away for a week to our beach house with the dumplings. He is going to take our oldest dumpling home after a week, while little dumpling and I stay behind for another five days- Sarge and Junior11 will come down to spend that time with us. I am looking forward to a full week with my family, followed by almost a full week with my other love and his child. So by the time all is said and done, it will be three full weeks before they even lay eyes on each other away from the office. Their communication has slowed to a few random texts here and there.

Heading to Sarge city tomorrow night to have dinner/drinks with Sarge and his Mama. I'll get to see him after that on Tuesday, when he drops his Mama at the airport (which is in my city) then say goodbye for 10 whole days- until I see him at the beach.

This weekend is my wedding anniversary. Steel and I are planning a delicious steakhouse meal, followed by the night in a swanky hotel downtown. I am so excited to have this time with my love- he makes me laugh like no one else can- and to have a whole night with no children, dogs or house renovations is as close to heaven as I can get this week. We plan a lot of relaxing, hotel sex, and sleeping late followed by breakfast in bed.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Congrats on your anniversary. :) Sounds like you have some great outings lined up.
 
Congrats on your anniversary. :) Sounds like you have some great outings lined up.

Thank you, Kevin! We are excited for sure!

I took my dumpling11 with me yesterday and we spent the day swimming in the Sarge pool, with Mama Sarge and the Juniors. Freckles came home an hour after I arrived, and Sarge a few hours later. The tension in that house is thick as fog. Sarge and Freckles haven't actually sat down and hashed it all out. Do they want to save the marriage? Can it even be saved? If so, what will that look like? If not, what will THAT look like? Neither one of them seems very motivated at this point to take a step to change anything. They are roommates, and very uncomfortable one's at that. I honestly didn't hear them exchange a word.

Sarge, Mama Sarge and I took all 3 children out for dinner, then the kids' got back in the pool while Sarge and I chatted and Mama watched the kids. We talked a little about what I stated above, how things cannot remain this way forever, some sort of progress needs to me made, in one way or the other. I fully support him either way, but this issue isn't going to resolve itself. It's time to address the 400lb gorilla in the room.

Laney has been a non-issue, mostly because she is away for the week. If they are texting, I am not aware of it. And I like it that way. Dimples is planning a visit to our city next month, and I know Steel is excited to see her.

I can't wait to see Sarge again on Tuesday for a brief meetup, after he drops Mama Sarge at the airport, but, damn, it's going to be bittersweet. In the 8 months we have been together this time around, I have only gone more than 6 days without seeing him, one time. And it sucked! After we say goodbye Tuesday, we won't see each other for ELEVEN days. Granted, I'll be at my beach house, with my gorgeous husband, and awesome dumplings, so I won't be sitting around feeling sad, but, ELEVEN days with no Sarge...the thought makes my belly ache.

I am looking forward to our reunion when he joins me at the beach house, though. It will be nice to have consecutive night sleepovers- we haven't done that since the cruise!

I have zero complaints today, a feeling I wish I could bottle up and sip from on days when it all feels wrong.
 

WhatHappened

New member
And Steel made that clear to her? You said he told her no more bubble baths, but she knows she's not coming over for dates either?

Where was Steel during all this? He knew she was in the house and taking a bath? Was he in the house, too? Did he give her permission? Where was he that she had to call him? Was she staying behind the door because her clothes weren't in the bathroom with her?
 
I was raised in a non-religious home. My father is a prude. Always has been. The kind of guy who will blush if someone says "tampon" or dares talk about sex. My parents have been married for 45 years, and my Mom could not testify in court that my Father has ever pooped. This is far from how I live. Steel and I fart in front of each other, think nothing of pooping with an open door, etc.

Two months ago, I came out to my parents. My mom didn't understand, but said its a new generation and as long as I was happy, she was happy. My father basically shut me down and didn't want to hear another word. Since then, communication has been limited with him. He will speak to me very quickly, then ask for the kids.

Our beach home is 30 minutes from their permanent home, so they often years come down for days at the pool while we are there. My mom called me this morning to tell me my Dad has decided he wants to come only once- during my 11 day stay- that he is still very upset about my lifestyle. I sent the following email. I sent it 3 hours ago, I just re-read it. I still feel good about the boundary I set. Your take on it?

When I first got to hold dumpling1, when she was three days old, I felt lightning strike. I knew I loved her more than I have ever and would ever love another entity. I cherished her and adored her and protected her and would have lain down my own life to save hers. I knew what true love felt like. Then, they handed me my Son. And although I didn't think it was possible, I loved him just as much. I would have again, given up my life to make his a smidge better.

Love is a limitless resource. It is not water, or oxygen or money. There is no end.

It has been brought to my attention that you are having a "hairy" and wish to come to the condo Monday, to see the kids and that "That's it!" I hereby release you of that obligation.

I have spent 39 years trying to figure out why my life never felt complete. Trying to search for the thing that made me feel real-

And I found it. It's the ability, and freedom to love and be loved without limit. Without having to say I can only share my heart with one. To know that I married my soul mate, the man who gives our children the best life they could dream of. And to know he loves ME so much, that he understands who I am. And graciously allows me to be that woman.

I refuse to defend my choice. I am 41 years old. This is not something I woke up one day and decided to be. Sarge and I have spent TWO years working on building a relationship. This is not a roll in the hay, or a reason to have more sex.

My children suffer zero harm from me being who I am. Quite the opposite. They see their parents believing that love is not between one man and one woman only. They are part of a generation that believes in tolerance, and accepting people for who they are and the actions they do, not for who they choose to love. They both wildly love their cousin, and she identifies as bisexual. It doesn't matter to them. People are who they are, and we love them for how they treat us and others, not for whom they choose to make love to.

They see another male role model. Who went to college. And works for the government, and is good citizen, who loves animals, and is kind to strangers. Most of all, he treats their Mother with love and adoration. They now have two men to emulate/ look for.

Dumpling1 will never settle for man treating her like shit. Because she sees doubly how men are supposed to treat women.

Dumpling2 will never be a date raping jerk, or beat his wife. Because he sees how Real men behave.

This is who I am. Either accept me and continue to love me, or I have no place for you in my life and that of my family. (My WHOLE family- Sarge is my family.)

I am living ethically, honestly, and as my heart guides me. I refuse to hide or pretend, just to make someone else comfortable.

I love you, and always have, regardless of your choices. All I ask is the same from you.

I have offered more than once to talk to you about this, as adults, and help allay your fears. You have chosen to bury your head in the sand and ignore me/talk only though Mom. No more! If you have questions/valid concerns, I am happy to speak with you, as grown ups. I refuse to argue or defend my choices. I am, however happy to help you to try and understand and answer any questions you may have.

I am who I am. Love is love is love. I happen to be lucky enough to have found love in two men, and they both love me unconditionally and fully. They treat me better than any man I know has ever treated a woman, and for that, you should be grateful, not bitter.

You are welcome to join us on the 27th, if you are able to realize that I am YOUR CHILD. And this is who I am. You cannot give me the silent treatment, or act like the 400lb gorilla isn't there. You can choose to act like a grown man, who loves his child, or you are not welcome.

I love you, Dad, and I hope you will be willing to expand your mind, and knowledge base and love me without condition.

Elle
 
I'm sure that was not an easy email to send, but it was very well said. I hope that he reads it and is able to finally accept and love you for who you are!
 
Thank you. I hope he replies in a positive manner also. I have always been very close to them, so this will surely be a huge hole in my life if we cannot meet on level ground.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Well-written email. I only hope your father will listen.
 

assets

Member
Well said! I'm glad that I didn't have to deal with my family not accepting my poly relationships. But if I had, I would hope to be able to say it with as much grace and quiet passion as you. You are speaking your truth and that is admirable.:)

I hope your father comes around. Maybe he just needs to take some time to process.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
It can take a year or more for some people to accept someone coming out (as poly, gay, trans, whatever). Especially if your dad can't even hear the word tampon without blushing... I'd recommend patience. Personally, I'd take him still wanting to come for a short visit as a good sign.

My gf formally came out as trans to her folks 2-3 years ago, and they've seen her shaving her legs, plucking her eyebrows and wearing women's clothing and carrying a purse for nearly 20 years, and they still slip up and misgender her (call her "he" and "son").

Best wishes!
 
Thank you for the support. Still no reply to my email, so for now, I am in a holding pattern. It's strange, I usually talk with my folks at least once a day, so the silence is deafening.

In polyville, I got to spend six hours with Sarge yesterday. He dropped his Mama at the airport, and came over. We took my dumplings to lunch, then lazed around my house giggling and having fun.

He had an official sit down with Freckles on Monday night. He told her he had no interest in reconciling. He says she took it well, and they will be putting together a game plan soon- how to financially and physically live apart, with the best interest of the juniors in mind.

I will miss him so much, but counting the days (10) until I see his smiling face on my beach house doorstep.

Steel is my rock. As usual. Always keeping a level head, and making sure huge crises ( like my dryer not heating, and my kitchen contractor changing a plan on me) don't make me anxious.

It hit me this morning, not that I didn't already know- I am so lucky. I have a wonderful life. If only I could lose 50lbs, and my parents were accepting, I'd even go so far as to say I have it ALL.
 
Been a hot minute since I had a chance to sit down and update.

Where are things?

Mostly great. Some are not.

Steel: He and Laney were able to keep it cool and now are friendly at work, but that's it. He is having some days of "depression', which I know stems from his 'woah is me' feelings. He does nothing social, so his dating pool is limited to online, and we ALL know how tedious THAT is. He either spends time and energy chatting up women he KNOWS he is not physically attracted to; just to have someone to talk to, or he tries to chat to women who are not attracted to him, and he is left feeling ugly and unwanted. I am so supportive, always telling him how sexy and wonderful he is. But, I can see his side too. Most young girls that HE likes, are not interested in a 47 year old married man. I love him so much. He is my very best friend, and to hear him so down on himself is hard. We went to a local poly meetup, and there was no one there who even came close to striking him. I think he is 47 and his mind is 21. He still wants the young co-eds, and they do not want him. I really do not know what the solution is.


Dimples: Her husband was getting very uncomfortable with the amount of emotional attachment she was forming with Steel....so she asked for a break. As far as I know, they do not text or talk anymore.


Freckles: Has met a new man. I call him "NewSarge" because he shares a name with Sarge. It's only been a few weeks, but they seem to really like each other, and enjoying each other. She and Sarge are still in the same house, currently just laying low, having a real estate agent come tomorrow to give them an idea of how much they could list the house for.

My Dad: Is still in DADT mode. Fine with me. They live far enough away, that they are not part of my daily life.

Me: 99% happy. I hate that Steel is so glum! My house is 50% done now. Floor replacement starts tomorrow morning, then paint next week, after that it's just a matter of replacing some light fixtures and buying new furniture. This renovation is causing my anxiety to flare at weird times- I suppose having ones fridge in one's bedroom can do that!

Sarge: Doing Great. He casually mentioned to me last month that he still had 18 months left on his GI Bill. Fast forward, and he starts classes at the end of the month! He is only 18 credits shy of a BS degree, and though he doesn't NEED it to stay in his current profession/job, it can't HURT to have it, AND he gets a housing stipend each month he is enrolled. Kind of seemed like a no brainer to me!

CPK and Pink- GOT MARRIED- Per social media. That was quick. I wish them happiness.

All in all, things are swimming along. If my sweet Steel would just pull of out the funk he's in, I'd be on cloud nine, for today, I'll be happy to be on 8.5
 
I have decided I need to journal. Typing is so much easier than pen to paper, and I may as well put it all somewhere where *maybe* something will help someone.

Steel and I are still strong. We have a great life. Our house renovation is done, so that stress is off the table- life is pretty status quo. Our dumplings are happy and healthy- our jobs are stable and enriching. He still is not seeing anyone, I think he has just given up. She's not going to knock on the door, and he isn't actively seeking, so it's kind of just on hold. I love this man so much, every day is laughter and fun, he truly is my steel. Dimples is off the radar still, and laney is happy with her new man.

Sarge and I are coming up on eighteen months. Things are as good as they can be. We are very much in love, and enjoy the time we spend together. Freckles is causing some stress, as expected. The house has still not sold, and it's a matter of price, meaning it is priced too high. She refuses to budge on the price, as taking less would mean they would not leave the marriage debt free. I have told them both that walking away from a 13 year marriage with zero debt is very rare, and they wouldn't be the first couple to have to split some debt in a divorce- Sarge understands and agrees, Freckles refuses to listen to reason.

Since they both own the house, the realtor cannot change the price without both of the agreeing. The realtor has tried, in vain, to talk reason into Freckles, but gotten nowhere. The bottom line is, they have a few months left before school starts again, at which point, the market will dive, and they could be looking at sitting on the house for another season. This is causing Sarge some serious anxiety, he feels like a hostage in his own home. He cannot financially move out until the house sells, as paying half the mortgage AND rent on his new place is not feasible.

Freckles was dumped by new Sarge, so she is single, and miserable. She really has zero incentive to get the house sold. Sarge is with the kids a lot of weeknights, as she likes to go out and do things, while he is an introvert- so she has a built in babysitter. They have come up with an every other weekend schedule for being with the kids.

Match that with the fact that she is dealing with some mental health issues coming up, and she is fine with living in the guest room and coasting. It has been almost a full year since she left Sarge for CPK, a full year of them living together but apart. It's starting to wear thin on Sarge, and admittedly, me.

I don't DISLIKE her, but it seems she would rather be out than with her children, and I don't relate to that. I am all about my children, and I know not everyone is, i'm not saying it's wrong, but unless I am spending the night with Sarge, I am home to tuck mine in every night. I cook dinner, I do homework, I sign permission slips, I bandage up boo-boo's. Freckles is dealing with major depression and anxiety, so I guess it's harder for her to function? I don't know. All I know is that Sarge is about at his wits end, wanting the "next chapter" to begin already. Things are exactly like they were when they were married, except for not sharing a bed.

I am mostly happy. I love both of my men so much. They each fill a part of me that the other can't. They get along well, and we all just cope well together. If only Sarge could sell the house, lived closer, and Steel could find someone, life would be perfect for us.

I am going to see Sarge tomorrow afternoon and stay the night with him, I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks, I have been on two trips back to back. I am so happy to be home now until July, and looking forward to getting back into our regularly scheduled lives.
 

Shaya

New member
Your blog is an inspiration on how to do poly well and how not to do poly well. Thank you for sharing.
 
Steel MET SOMEONE!!! She is his age, in a successful poly marriage and they get along so well. The only "issue" is she is geographically undesirable- not as bad as Dimples was, but still about 90 miles away. It's certainly doable, given that they both have vehicles. So for now, they are texting, chatting, and getting to know each other. From what I know of her so far, she seems like she is someone I could be friends with- I like her already. Sarge and I live 55 miles apart, and we've made it work for almost two years, so the distance, while not desirable, isn't a deal breaker.

Steel has definitely seen a boost in his mood since meeting her, and I am dripping with compersion for him, hoping that they develop a nice relationship, or even friendship.

Steel was away last weekend, so Sarge stayed with me Friday and Saturday night. We took the kids to the free zoo ( Humane Society!) to lunch, shopping and then swimming. It was a relaxing wonderful weekend.

This weekend Steel has taken our youngest dumpling to a convention, so it was just my older dumpling and I. Sarge has his juniors this weekend, so he brought them up last night and they stayed over. We spent this morning cleaning out my garage and planting some perennials in my garden.

They left after lunch and dumpling and I had a nice day together. It's only 7pm, and I am showered, and in my PJ's. How the mighty have fallen...

Tomorrow will be laundry and grocery shopping, and I plan to make homemade pasta and chicken parm for when Steel and little dumpling get home.

Freckles FINALLY agreed to lower the price of the house and wouldn't you know, they got an offer the first day! The price was good, the terms were great, but the buyer didn't even have a pre-approval letter, let alone financing. Sarge and Dimples declined the offer, as keeping the house off market while waiting for financing could be a costly mistake. If the buyers are serious, they will be arranging financing post haste- if not, there has been a surge of lookers since the price dropped, so I am confident the right person will come along.

Until then, they are co-existing. Sarge has a birthday Monday, Followed by mine Wednesday. He arrived last night with a gorgeous gift basket from Freckles, to both of us. It was a gift card for dinner, a couples massage, a movie gift certificate and lots of yummy goodies and drinks! I was BLOWN away, but mostly by the card! I'll try and get a picture of it to share. It was heartfelt and touching and made both Sarge and I cry.
 
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