Strange New Chapter

[AcreoCrimsonstar]

I've entered into a strange new mode or energy lately. I dont know if its because I'm in the process moving, or for some other reason.

I don't feel like dating anymore.

Recently broke things off with one partner and am hanging by a thread with the other person. We haven't been talking. Neither of us seem to be interested in each other. Similar to what happened with the first partner.
Its complicated.

Started a new job and its been a handful, but going great. Have a great boss, everything runs like clockwork, have two days off, better pay than the last job, and the hours work for me better than the other jobs I was applying for. My mental stability has dramatically improved with this, and I feel like I'm getting myself together once more.

I feel like I'm continuing where I left off last year when I was seperated from my ex, and single for two months, before I met the first partner.

This is what I feel I need in life right now, being in my own space and aura or whatever. To become independent once again and truly get my life right.

Only problem is I dont seem to have time or energy for other people. Makes me wonder how Poly would fit into my life. Or if I am meant to be alone. (I dont even feel sad writing that. )

How does one manage life's responsibilities AND work, AND hobbies/life's work, AND multiple partners? It just feels like I all of a sudden dont have time. I feel like being alone.

Alone but not lonely?

I spent the past year pursuing a big poly family, and now seem to have shifted to the polar opposite. It is.. confusing.

Perhaps I've been burned by love so much that I've lost the drive to even go for it anymore. I spent my 20s married and partially unhappy, or Fake Happy. I spent this past year with new relationships and i was the same way, but for different reasons. Maybe I'm so different from people that I dont know HOW to be happy with a relationship. Or perhaps I'm thinking more logically with my head instead of my heart. Maybe persuing a creative career means more to me than love. I hope this is temporary...

(I am introverted and grew up alone, so being by myself is my default. Idk how I lived with my ex for 8 years.)

 

[Evie]

How does one manage life's responsibilities AND work, AND hobbies/life's work, AND multiple partners? It just feels like I all of a sudden don't have time. I feel like being alone.

One day at a time is about all I can manage - and I don't have hobbies really, just people.

It seems like you're actually looking for quite some personal advice, so I've moved this to Poly Relationships Corner.

 

[Eponine]

I've definitely had phases when I wasn't interested in new connections, be it dating or friendship. I had time for it, but felt like it would be so much work to build new connections, and the chance of success was so low. I was happy enough with my existing friends and partners. But I've been in a more social phase in the past year or so. I think it's completely normal for your interest in other people to fluctuate, as long as you're happy and content.

How does one manage life's responsibilities AND work, AND hobbies/life's work, AND multiple partners?

For me, being childfree is a big one. I work from home, and my work isn't very demanding. I've never had multiple full-on partners; I only have one nesting partner, and others are low-maintenance long-distance connections, more like comets at this point. I think another moderately involved relationship would be okay, but I honestly can't imagine having a busy full-time job, kids, and multiple highly involved partners at the same time.

 

[Magdlyn]

It is perfectly fine to not want to be in a romantic/sexual relationship. It's great to be happily single, for a while, or forever, if that is what suits you. On the surface, from here, as an internet stranger. it looks like you're doing fine.

You tried poly after being in an unhappy marriage for several years. Good for you for getting out. Maybe you thought, oh, mono marriage wasn't my thing, so maybe I'm poly. But then, having 2 relationships didn't suit you either. Maybe instead of dealing with romantic relationships, at least for a while, just enjoy your own company, your new great job, your platonic friendships/family/chosen family, and your hobbies, exercise routine, travel, things like that. You could do this for 6 months, a year, several years. It's up to you and your needs!

Treat yourself to a couple good sex toys for masturbation if you'd like. Single sex can be less than stellar and toys can help. There are infinite numbers of great sex toys out there these days.

If the ideas from internet strangers still leaves you feeling uneasy and confused, seek a therapist. You don't have to be mentally ill to get one-on-one therapy. You might just want to get more personal insight, a little tweaking.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi AcreoCrimsonstar,

First of all, my earnest congratulations for your new place of employment. You mentioned feeling "Alone but not lonely." That is a thing. You are not required to have a relationship with anyone else. Sometimes having a good place of employment is enough. I don't mean to tell you that you should stop trying to find people to date, I just mean that you do not need to be in a big hurry about it.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Congrats on liking your new job and it working out better for you. That's awesome!

I also think it sounds fine to want to be on your own in this new next chapter.

I spent my 20s married and partially unhappy, or Fake Happy. I spent this past year with new relationships and i was the same way, but for different reasons.

I could be wrong in my initial impression... but kinda sounds like the marriage and then those 2 poly relationships so soon after divorce were not really "it" for you in the first place or were whatever they needed to be in that time/space but eventually outgrown or something?

And like now you are here in this new time/space. A new chapter like

"Oh. I actually AM doing better mental health wise now. My job is better/more fulfilling. This job is "it" for me in career. Which makes me realized I don't need all this extra stuff right now in other areas if they are not "it." ​

​

What I need is some time on my own to figure out what the new authentic me is. And I no longer want or need "passing for happy" or "fake happy." I want to rest up, finish healing, thinking some things out, and then go for "authentic happy" -- whatever shape that is for me."​

Is that true? If so? Kudos for you! Working on your healing and moving forward.

Maybe I'm so different from people that I dont know HOW to be happy with a relationship.

If the relationships you were participating in before were not authentic or fulfilling... maybe it's ok to have become dissatisfied being in them and eventually bowing out.

Not like you don't know how to be happy. More like... these weren't making the cut or not measuring up against your personal standards?

Or perhaps I'm thinking more logically with my head instead of my heart. Maybe persuing a creative career means more to me than love.

If you want career area to be your main focus? Nothing wrong with being single, keeping connections casual, doing soly poly, or whatever it is you want in your dating area. And not having dating area of your life be a big focus.

For me thinking head and heart together usually works out.

Galagirl