Struggles and wanting to make it work

ScaledMenace

New member
Hello everyone!

My name's Finn, 23/cisfem, lesbian.
Thanks for checking my thread out - and if you have any advice on how to handle this situation and what steps I can take to make things work, I'd be so, so thankful to hear them.

I've been in a commited relationship with my girlfriend (23, cisfem, demisexual, panromantic) for a total of 6 years.
I will call her Seph from here on out.
We were both very aware that we are poly from the get go - that we couldn't fulfill every desire and need as single individuals, but didn't want to give up all the good things we had by parting ways in hopes of meeting someone who could. We went to the same school and then moved about 500km apart due to her family. We are in a long-distance relationship and meet up about two to three times a year.

The fact that I could love several people at the same time was quite obvious, as this wasn't our first case of a poly relationship.
As the first one though, it was highly toxic and ended up in flames due to the third party involved. We found our way back together and everything has been going great between us, save for the occasional quarrels solved via healthy communication.

About 4 days ago Seph approached me with the fact that she had developed feelings for a mutual friend of ours (28, cismale, straight) who also lives in the same country but far away from both of us. All of us had met up as friends last year.
This came after 6 weeks of lack of contact and us not having any quality time, with her spending her freetime with him every time I asked if she had some for me.
I'd lie if I said I didn't feel hurt. But he was going through a very tough time and emotions sparked when she was there for him.
I had offered to be part of it before knowing about any of this - but they kept me out of things.

She told me that if I said no, she would, albeit regretfully, refuse him.
But I wanted her to be happy, and he was sweet and someone who truly worked on himself. I have known him for several years and seen him grow.
So I agreed to take the couple approach. I didn't want us to be primaries, at least that's what I thought. I wanted this to be a group, for all of us to be part of the whole equally. We talked about the possibilities of moving together in a few years time, about financial security.

We all fit quite well. Or so I thought.

Yesterday, we watched a couple videos about poly relationships. And these videos made me realize something:
I feel majorly inferior to him. And as a lesbian, I tried to still manage to at least indulge the two by suggesting a threeway romantic and sexual relation between us.
I noticed I was bending myself into something I'm not. I was denying who I was in hopes that maybe I could make them happy that way.

Seph was my partner for so, so incredibly long. I would rather hurt than hurt her.
But on the sidelines, I noticed that they talked about meeting up in May. That they had asked each others parents for permission.
...but not if I was okay with them meeting up alone already.
I just noticed it on the side. And I was hurt once more. I talked about wanting to be included in their planning instead of just being the last "check-in".

Yesterday, after I realized that I couldn't and didn't want to love him, I decided to tell Seph about it.
She had promised me that if I decided to pull back, it was me she was wanting to spend the rest of her life with.
But she refused.

She said that the week she had with him had tied the two of them the same way that our 6 years have -
and she'd either have both of us or break it off with both of us - and "never love again".
I was flabberghasted.

And I had never suffered from heartbreak, but now I know what it feels like. I tried to understand how we could truly be emotional equals, but I just couldn't.
I felt pushed into a corner. I was hurting, so, so bad. I didn't want to lose her. I couldn't lose her. I had picked out our engagement ring and was saving up for it bevor all of this happened. I wanted to be with this girl and things had been going so well beforehand.

I explained to her that this wasn't just a matter of me not being into him, but of our current life situation as well.
He came freshly out of a breakup, she was in uni and still had a year to go without financial autonomy, and I was just moving into my very first own apartment paid by my part-time job.
It was a time of change.

And that was when I realized that I just wasn't ready for polyamory again just yet. I had a major inferiority complex and self-esteem issues to work through, all of us had yet to find stability in our lives. We could try again later, I suggested. It didn't matter too much that he was a man, the situation would have been the same if he wasn't.
But her opinion stood strong.
It was either him and me, or none of us. She apologized for being selfish, that she didn't want to break anyone's heart. I told her to go with him, she told me she couldn't have him without me. Honestly, I felt trapped without escape.
It was either to deny my feelings, my hurt and my sexuality, or lose her and know that it breaks not just me, but all of us.

I agreed to wait until the three of us meet up in April. To see how things work out. But if they don't, the issue would be the same.
I don't know what to do.
I don't want to lose her, but I don't feel comfortable at all. I want it to work, but it will be at the price of bending and breaking and likely never trusting.
I am hurt that she values him as much as me, yet tells me all these sweet things of me being important, special and the one she wants to spend her life with.
I feel lied to, put on the sidelines, and like I'm the one trying the hardest to treat them as equals when they are mostly about oggling each other.

Please, I am quite literally begging you - if you have any advice tell me.
We aren't poly virgins, none of us, and things were decently good until my realization yesterday.
I don't feel ready, but I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.

With kindest regards,
Finn
 
I'm confused about why you need to date him or have sex with him for her to have a relationship with him?
First, thanks for answering!
And that's a good point. I think the issue with that is my jealousy and inferiority. I don't know if I currently trust her enough not to end up "choosing" him. Not after our conversation.
But in the end, that's my problem, not theirs. I need to think about this a little more.
 
Hello Finn, that's one hell of an ordeal you're all putting each other through!

I'm not sure what videos you have been watching but if they are suggesting that polyamory means triad/throuple relationships then they aren't painting the full picture. I'm actually a little concerned that GenZ might be getting sold this one-true-poly message via their socials.

Why can't Saph be the hinge of a V? Why on earth do you think you, a lesbian, need to be involved with this guy rather than just occasionally polite if you're at the same party or whatnot? She can have both of you, but it doesn't need to be in the same bedroom or same house. Not all V relationships cohabit.

Also, it reads like she's currently swept up in NRE and you're in polyhell (https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell)

To top it off, she's being dramatic with the "never love again" bit. I do get the sentiment, it can feel like that at 23, I know. But at 44, I can assure you that love happens again, and again, and again.
 
Hello Finn, that's one hell of an ordeal you're all putting each other through!

I'm not sure what videos you have been watching but if they are suggesting that polyamory means triad/throuple relationships then they aren't painting the full picture. I'm actually a little concerned that GenZ might be getting sold this one-true-poly message via their socials.

Why can't Saph be the hinge of a V? Why on earth do you think you, a lesbian, need to be involved with this guy rather than just occasionally polite if you're at the same party or whatnot? She can have both of you, but it doesn't need to be in the same bedroom or same house. Not all V relationships cohabit.

Also, it reads like she's currently swept up in NRE and you're in polyhell (https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell)

To top it off, she's being dramatic with the "never love again" bit. I do get the sentiment, it can feel like that at 23, I know. But at 44, I can assure you that love happens again, and again, and again.

Hello Evie,
thank you so much for your response, it means the world to me.
We watched two videos - one about 4 (very generalized) types of poly relationships (Primary+others, Group, Egalitarian network and Solo), as well as a long video about several topics, such as time-management, sharing attention and such. We aren't super delusioned, to be honest!
We know this is work, and we know this is a lot of communication. And that we just need to find how it works best for us.

I think the issue with the V ist currently the poly hell. Seph and I read through it together just now, she also knows about this thread because I want to find solutions together. Seph struggles with showing affection - she has for a while, even during our monogamous relationship. Her attention has been very focused on her new partner for the past 6 weeks and I have felt threatened, abandoned and jealous. She had no intention to make me feel this way of course. But it inevitably happened.

I think his entire presence feels like a threat for me right now. Just his presence in this relationship. I actually really like him, I'm long term friends with him! I don't hate him for being with Seph. And I couldn't hate her for anything she does. The issue seems to be the points in the article. Displacement, demotion and intrusion. I have been feeling ignored.
One more issue with the V though is that I have a strong desire to be her primary - but she doesn't want that. She wants us to be equals.
She would make it primary+others if that was the only way it worked, but it would be difficult for her. (Is what she said)
While for me, I feel like it might be the only way this could work. I need the affirmation that I am still important, that the time we have spent together isn't entirely equal to her fresh love. That I am special, not just something taken for granted.
I think it's really mostly the unfortunate issue of splitting affection that was already scarce to begin with. He is very romantic and she swoons over him doing things that I also used to do - without noticing that it hurts me.
Many parts of that article apply to us and we're trying to talk to find solutions.

And yeah, I get that. Yesterday I felt trapped in a corner, but we'll need to find a way that this doesn't repeat in the future. If "all or nothing" is the solution to a poly relationship ending, then something isn't right - at least that's what I think.

Thank you so much for taking your time for me - and that article was a great addition!
 
So there's an uncomfortable subject about heteronormativity looming - and I do wander back over the whole Gen Z thing here a little bit.

As an older Queer person, it can sometimes feel like the younger Queer generation think some of our less inclusive attitudes come from something other than bad experiences and the resulting pain and harm.

I'm speaking specifically here about bi/panphobia among (primarily cis) lesbians and gay men.

How much of this is because Steph just finds heterosexual relationships easier? We have much clearer templates and expectations. We can choose to diverge from the norm I heterosexual relationships. In Queer relationships, there are no norms.

This has nothing to do with her attraction. Or being more attracted. It's just easier to perform heterosexuality.

On top of this, society validates heterosexual relationships more than they do homosexual relationships. As a lesbian, you'll already know this. But I'm just suggesting you think about how much these issues are playing into what seems like (just) a poly issue. It's only a poly issue because you wouldn't be as exposed to this reality in a monogamous relationship. That's obvious.

Again, I'm not suggesting you don't know these things but just wondering if any of this might play into how you're feeling.
 
Hi! Thanks again - it definitely helps a lot to have a more experienced queer person's eye on this.
There is a lot of context that didn't really fit the whole post that might matter in that regard:
Her and I realized we weren't straight when we were 14. I actually was her first serious relationship back then - but we had a 4 year break before 2021.
She grew up with two lesbian babysitters - who are now close family friends and have a family together! She grew up with queerness being 100% accepted and natural.

I however am the one with a lot of internalized heteronromativity. In fact, before I realized I was lesbian I thought I was bi/pan, identified with both of them on and off, had male, nonbinary, trans and female partners within those 4 years of break.
But a part of me was still stuck on 'having to be attracted to men'. Took me a hot minute to find out.
I also think a part of me is afraid of him being "easier" to be with than me.

It might weave into my general inferiority - he makes more money, he's more diligent, more attentive to the things he's learning about her and so much more, he seems to be giving her all that I can't give her.
Both of them will inherit property, I will most likely inherit nothing.
Add that as a spark to the powder keg of a gap of attention and affection being received between him and me, and you got an explosion.
Many of these issues are things I need to resolve myself - and that might be rooted in a current lack of trust.
There is a reason why I felt like I'm not really ready for this yet and that's my personal mental state.
 
Yes it's something at least a little bit present in all Queer people. Some much more than others. It manifests in different ways. Sometimes we think we see it in others (like our partners) when actually we're projecting what we see in ourselves.

On a purely practical level, we do indeed live in a time where much of the developed world at least provides the template for equality. Queer people can access fertility assistance, get married, etc. So it's wonderfully weird to find young Queer teens and adults who never considered their Queerness to be a barrier to things like having children or marriage. But it's very new. The shadows of the past remain.
 
Hello Finn,

Initially, I am wondering if you could have a V with Seph and the mutual friend -- where Seph is the hinge (romantically involved with both you and the mutual friend), and you and the mutual friend are the legs of the V (not romantically involved with each other). You seem to be thinking that a triad is the only way to do poly -- that there are no other kinds of poly structures. And I am here to tell you that a V is a very common kind of poly. So maybe that's something you could consider.

Reading further down, I see that you have considered a V, but that the problem is that you feel threatened by the mutual friend -- specifically, that you are afraid Seph is going to break up with you because she (you fear) loves him more. This is an emotional issue -- intellectually you know she has said she loves the two of you equally, that she wants both of you, and I assume you take her at her word. But maybe I assume wrong -- maybe you don't feel you can trust her in this particular area? People can't promise that they'll always feel a certain way, am I right?

And you don't want to be a co-primary, you want to be Seph's *only* primary. Versus the way it is now, where you feel ignored and taken for granted. Is it possible you are trying to overcompensate for Seph's NRE for the mutual friend, and for (what you perceive as) his superior traits and possessions? Maybe you don't feel he can be trusted to be an equal. Whatever the case, he is (unwittingly) making you feel very insecure, and Seph is a part of that.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hello and welcome!

Words are tricky things. Equal does not mean Fair (and vice versa) {if one of you lovely forum peeps could put up the slide for me...you know? the cartoon with the fence and the boxes? :))

She probably doesn't actually mean that she loves you "equally" i.e. the same. But perhaps that she isn't willing to give up the opporturnity to pursue things with this guy as far as they go. Back when I was part of a cohabitating Vee with my husband and my boyfriend - I described it as "working toward co-primary". In our case, there was no way that the relationship of two people who have been married for 20 years would have been the "same" as a dating/new relationship, even a cohabitating relationship of several years. Different relationships. Different people. Different history.

It does seem that you fell into the idea that this should be some sort of "one big relationship"? As opposed to a collection of relationships that overlap. Why would you want to set yourself up as "part" of a relationship including straight male when you are a lesbian? That's a bizarre pretzel to volunteer for from my perspective.
 
My name's Finn, 23/cisfem, lesbian.
Hi Finn. Welcome.
I've been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend Seph (23, cisfem, demisexual, panromantic) for a total of 6 years.

We were both very aware that we were poly from the get-go. We went to the same school and then moved about 500km apart. We meet up about two to three times a year.
You went from a daily full-time relationship in school to a long-distance relationship. It's been long distance for a while now. That's tough.
About 4 days ago Seph approached me with the fact that she had developed feelings for a mutual friend of ours (28, cismale, straight)...
Let's call him Steve.
... who lives in the same country, but far away from both of us. We had all had met last year.
So that's also long distance. And it's very new, since Seph and Steve have gone from friends to something more.
This came after 6 weeks of lack of contact and us not having any quality time, with her spending her free time with him
And that's all online, I suppose. You weren't able to chat online with her, or she just wouldn't talk to you, and focused on Steve instead.
I'd lie if I said I didn't feel hurt. But he was going through a very tough time and emotions sparked when she was there for him.
I had offered to be part of it before knowing about any of this - but they kept me out of things.
You also wanted to go deeper and support Steve through a tough time, but they didn't need your help. I could see you feeling left out.
She told me that if I said no, she would, albeit regretfully, refuse him.
If you told her she couldn't "date" Steve, online or in person, she would break up with him? You two have a veto arrangement? Why would you use it here? He sounds like a good guy.

I agreed to take the couple approach. I didn't want us to be primaries, at least that's what I thought. I wanted this to be a group, for all of us to be part of the whole equally. We talked about the possibilities of moving together in a few years time.

You thought you wanted a triad, even though you are a lesbian. A triad means all 3 people are involved romantically and almost always sexually (unless someone is asexual).
Yesterday, we watched a couple videos about poly relationships.

I feel majorly inferior to him.
And even though you're gay, you:
tried to indulge them by suggesting a threeway romantic and sexual relation between us. I noticed I was bending myself into something I'm not. I was denying who I was in hopes that maybe I could make them happy that way.
Yes!
They wanted to meet up in May... but not if I was not okay with them meeting up alone already. And I was hurt once more.

I talked about wanting to be included in their planning instead of just being the last "check-in".

Yesterday, after I realized that I [didn't love or lust for] Steve, I decided to tell Seph about it. She had promised me that if I decided to pull back, it was me she was wanted to spend the rest of her life with. But she refused. She said that the week she had with him had tied the two of them the same way that our 6 years had,
and she'd either have both of us or break it off with both of us, and "never love again". I was flabbergasted.

I have never suffered from heartbreak before but now I know what it feels like.
You are 23 and this is the first time your heart has broken. Your love for Seph is finally being tested. Are you poly or not? It sounds like her dating someone else feels very threatening to you. Also, since she's new at poly herself, she's not handling her NRE well at all, leaving you feeling insecure and neglected.
I tried to understand how we could truly be emotional equals, but I just couldn't.

I had picked out our engagement ring and had been saving up for it before all of this happened.
Was she onboard with getting married soon? After all, you're both just starting out. She's still in school. You're only working part time. You're both in your early 20s with a lot of living and loving to do, especially since you're polyamorous.
I explained to her that this wasn't just a matter of me not being into him, but of our current life situation as well. He came freshly out of a breakup, she was in uni and still had a year to go without financial autonomy, and I was just moving into my very first own apartment paid by my part-time job.
I don't know why either of you thought you should be into Steve, a man...
And that was when I realized that I just wasn't ready for polyamory. I had a major inferiority complex and self-esteem issues to work through, all of us had yet to find stability in our lives. We could try again later, I suggested. It didn't matter too much that he was a man, the situation would have been the same if he wasn't. But her opinion stood strong. It was either him and me, or none of us.
If she couldn't do poly with both you and Steve, she'd break up with both of you and become a nun (so to speak)? That's pretty drastic.


I told her to go with him. She told me she couldn't have him without me.

Honestly, I felt trapped without escape. I either had to deny my feelings, my hurt and my sexuality, or lose her and know that it would break up not just me, but all of us.
It's not on you to handle her emotional reactions. She can say and do what she wants, and so can you.
I agreed to wait until the three of us meet up in April, to see how things work out.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her, but I don't feel comfortable at all. I want it to work, but it will be at the price of bending and breaking and likely never trusting.
Why can't it work? She dates you and Steve in a V. Why does that seem impossible? That's how polyamory works! Triads are EXTREMELY rare. I've never seen one last longer than 2 years.
I am hurt that she values him as much as me, yet tells me all these sweet things of me being important, special and the one she wants to spend her life with.
I feel lied to, put on the sidelines, and like I'm the one trying the hardest to treat them as equals when they are mostly about ogling each other.

We aren't poly virgins, none of us, and things were decently good until my realization yesterday.
I don't feel ready, but I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.
You do sound more virgin that not, if you think you need to date a man, as a lesbian, just to hold on to your bisexual partner.
 
Hi! Thanks again - it definitely helps a lot to have a more experienced queer person's eye on this.
There is a lot of context that didn't really fit the whole post that might matter in that regard. We both realized we weren't straight when we were 14. I actually was her first serious relationship back then, but we had a 4 year break before 2021.
She grew up with two lesbian babysitters - who are now close family friends and have a family together! She grew up with queerness being 100% accepted and natural. I am the one with a lot of internalized heteronromativity. In fact, before I realized I was lesbian I thought I was bi/pan, identified with both of them on and off, had male, nonbinary, trans and (cis) female partners within those 4 years of break. A part of me was still stuck on having to be attracted to men. It took me a hot minute to find that out.

I also think a part of me is afraid of him being "easier" to be with than me. It might weave into my general inferiority. He makes more money, he's more diligent, more attentive to the things he's learning about her and so much more. He seems to be giving her all that I can't give her.
Don't forget, you're giving her things he can't give her too. Money isn't everything. And he's being more attentive because he's deep in NRE. That doesn't last forever. With young people, it can only last weeks! Usually it lasts 6 - 18 months. Although being long distance and yearning can lengthen it, sometimes.
Both of them will inherit property, I will most likely inherit nothing. Add that as a spark to the powder keg of a gap of attention and affection being received between him and me, and you get an explosion.
You don't need to be in love with him and he doesn't need to give you attention. He's her partner, not yours. Seph could learn how to be a better hinge. She is the one whose responsibility it is to maintain balance between her partners.

I think you'd all benefit by reading the book Opening Up. It covers all the bases, all the mistakes, ways to prevent misunderstandings and heartbreak. (Yes, it's on Amazon and it's available as an ebook.)
Many of these issues are things I need to resolve myself - and that might be rooted in a current lack of trust.
There is a reason why I felt like I'm not really ready for this yet and that's my personal mental state.
 
{if one of you lovely forum peeps could put up the slide for me...you know? the cartoon with the fence and the boxes? :))


Best I can do on my phone.
 
So many people who reacted!
Thank you all for reading through and giving advice and resources.

Seph, "Steve" and I have decided to try the V approach for now. The reason why I wanted to make the group work so desperately was because when it was suggested, Seph was exstatic, quoting it to fulfill all her dreams of affection and being the perfect outcome.
We've set up google calendars and plan in some friendly time as a group of three with Steve and me being friends.
I would lie if I said that both of our relationships being the same to her doesn't hurt like hell. Steve understands, but Seph doesn't.
All I can really do is just try to forget the pain and enjoy what good can come out of this.

She has been a lot morecommunicative as she is aware that this will take her splitting what affection she can give - and as she's giving him a lot of it right now due to NRE she tries to balance it out with me.
We also noticed that even when we got back together, we basically immediately took our relationship for granted. A basis that would be there whatever happens. And we cooled off into old couple dynamics without any NRE to begin with pretty much immediately.

Regarding engagement, it's a mutual thing! We have talked about it many times - and before this, marriage was a wish both of us shared.
It wasn't just me one-sidedly picking a ring to propose to her, we had properly talked about how we'd want our wedding to be and what rings we'd like in a very rational matter. The way a couple of 6 years does, I guess.
Not sure how things will go now, but it's a topic for another day. There's enough to work through for now.

The whole reason why I even agreed in the first place is a lot more complicated and mostly rooted in me constantly questioning wether I might be bi and traumatized by my past experiences with men, or lesbian. It's a very long story.
Basically, I had a moment of "maybe with him because I trust him". Well, surprise, no maybe, I'm very lesbian. Me being forced to bend myself into what I'm not to please a partner has sadly been part of the first poly relationship we were in and, after having read some literature, is likely a protection mechanism from past trauma. 'If I behave like they want me to then it won't hurt anyone.'
Of course that's not true in the least. And I made things worse with it.

I am for now trying to focus on my own issues, that, as you guys noticed, lie in my feeling of being threatened. Which in and of itself lies in a lack of self-love that's very deeply ingrained. Parental trauma, relationship trauma, all that stuff that I don't want to detail too much.
But I grabbed a lot of reading material and self-love exercises, trying to build healthy habits.
I think that working on myself is the best way to make things work here. Both for my life as my own person, and as a part of the V.

I also managed to get Seph to slightly stabilize the whole "either both of you or none of you, if you don't want to be a part of this then I'll break up with both of you" situation into "if you ever chose to leave then the rest is mine to deal with". I at least feel more comfortable with that wording. Because there is many reasons a relationship can fail that have nothing to do with Steve, or the V, for that matter.

Honestly, I still very much think I'm poly. But I definitely need to learn a lot more, both about polyamory and myself.
I'm young, idealistic and have a lot of baggage.
So I'll take this as a bump into a direction of self-improvement with the goal of making this a situation that benefits all of us.
Instead of only seeing what he might take from me, seeing what he gives and allows Seph to give.
And realizing that I too have things to give that he can't give her.
 
Hi Finn,

Good for you, you are taking a healthy view of things, and taking ownership for the things you yourself are able to change. There's a lot here that you can't change, so don't worry too much about that. You are a good person who deserves to be loved. And in poly, everyone brings something to the table. Even if Steve brings the steaks, you are still supplying the cake for dessert. Hopefully that makes sense. Hang in there! and be true to yourself.

Much regards,
Kevin T.
 
So many people who reacted! Thank you all for reading through and giving advice and resources.
We're a friendly group.
Seph, "Steve" and I have decided to try the V approach for now. The reason why I wanted to make the group work so desperately was because when it was suggested, Seph was ecstatic, declaring it would fulfill all her dreams of affection and would be the perfect outcome.
Fantasies of equal threeways are so common but actually extremely rare. There are just too many moving parts.
We've set up Google calendars and plan on some friendly time as a group of three, with Steve and me being friends.
I would lie if I said that both of our relationships being the same to her doesn't hurt like hell. Steve understands, but Seph doesn't.
I feel that. When I first tried polyamory in 1999, my (now ex) husband fell so hard for this new woman he'd met. He was just gaga. I'd been with him for 25 years and felt like chopped liver. And we had a passionate relationship at that point! I felt completely dissed. Of course, poly is going to feel awkward, at best, in the beginning. It's great for the person in NRE, but it's very hard for their established partner to watch. I've been poly for over 20 years, and with my nesting partner for 14 years. We learned early on together how to manage the NRE so that neither of us felt hurt when a new person came into one of our lives. We both have that compersion thing down (although it's not a requirement).
All I can really do is just try to forget the pain and enjoy what good can come out of this.
Well, the pain is a legit emotion. You 2 have basically grown up together, and now she's gone mad for Steve. It's only natural you'd feel thrown off. Many people have abandonment issues and can get triggered when their long time partner gets into NRE with someone else. But good management can be done that should reassure you.

Just tell her what you need to feel reassured. Hugs, kisses, sex, quality time, a special date. You can't keep taking each other for granted. You have to keep dating each other and having adventures together to keep your relationship strong.
She has been a lot more communicative as she is aware that this will take her splitting what affection she can give - and as she's giving him a lot of it right now due to NRE, she is trying to balance it out with me. We also noticed that even when we got back together, we basically immediately took our relationship for granted, as a basis that would be there whatever happens. And we cooled off into old couple dynamics without any NRE to begin with, pretty much immediately.

Regarding engagement, it's a mutual thing! We have talked about it many times - and before this, marriage was a wish both of us shared. It wasn't just me one-sidedly picking a ring to propose to her, we had properly talked about how we'd want our wedding to be and what rings we'd like in a very rational matter. The way a couple of 6 years does, I guess. Not sure how things will go now, but it's a topic for another day. There's enough to work through for now.
So many people these days are waiting until their late 20s (or later) to actually marry. We do so much growing up between 21 and 27. It's like night and day. I got married at 22 and I feel like I missed my 20s. (When we separated 30 years later I relived my 20s haha.) Divorce is a pain in the ass though. So I'd recommend not rushing into it, for anyone.
The whole reason why I even agreed in the first place is a lot more complicated and mostly rooted in me constantly questioning whether I might be bi and traumatized by my past experiences with men, or lesbian. It's a very long story. Basically, I had a moment of "maybe with him, because I trust him". Well, surprise, no maybe, I'm very lesbian. Me being forced to bend myself into what I'm not to please a partner has sadly been part of the first poly relationship we were in and, after having read some literature, is likely a protection mechanism from past trauma. 'If I behave like they want me to then it won't hurt anyone.' Of course that's not true in the least. And I made things worse with it.
Lots of people just want to be loved, and will bend themselves into pretzels to please people to get that "love." But then you lose touch with who you are, and the people don't know the real you, and you end up unhappy anyway.
I am for now trying to focus on my own issues, that, as you guys noticed, lie in my feeling of being threatened. Which in and of itself lies in a lack of self-love that's very deeply ingrained. Parental trauma, relationship trauma, all that stuff that I don't want to detail too much. But I grabbed a lot of reading material and self-love exercises, trying to build healthy habits. I think that working on myself is the best way to make things work here. Both for my life as my own person, and as a part of the V.
You've got to be your own primary. At the end, all you have is yourself.
I also managed to get Seph to slightly stabilize the whole "either both of you or none of you, if you don't want to be a part of this then I'll break up with both of you" situation into "if you ever chose to leave then the rest is mine to deal with". I at least feel more comfortable with that wording. Because there are many reasons a relationship can fail that have nothing to do with Steve, or the V, for that matter.
That's huge. I'm glad she is more aware of how to manage her own emotions and take responsibility for them.
Honestly, I still very much think I'm poly. But I definitely need to learn a lot more, both about polyamory and myself. I'm young, idealistic and have a lot of baggage. So I'll take this as a bump into a direction of self-improvement with the goal of making this a situation that benefits all of us, instead of only seeing what he might take from me, seeing what he gives and allows Seph to give, and realizing that I too have things to give that he can't give her.
Great progress.
 
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