ScaledMenace
New member
Hello everyone!
My name's Finn, 23/cisfem, lesbian.
Thanks for checking my thread out - and if you have any advice on how to handle this situation and what steps I can take to make things work, I'd be so, so thankful to hear them.
I've been in a commited relationship with my girlfriend (23, cisfem, demisexual, panromantic) for a total of 6 years.
I will call her Seph from here on out.
We were both very aware that we are poly from the get go - that we couldn't fulfill every desire and need as single individuals, but didn't want to give up all the good things we had by parting ways in hopes of meeting someone who could. We went to the same school and then moved about 500km apart due to her family. We are in a long-distance relationship and meet up about two to three times a year.
The fact that I could love several people at the same time was quite obvious, as this wasn't our first case of a poly relationship.
As the first one though, it was highly toxic and ended up in flames due to the third party involved. We found our way back together and everything has been going great between us, save for the occasional quarrels solved via healthy communication.
About 4 days ago Seph approached me with the fact that she had developed feelings for a mutual friend of ours (28, cismale, straight) who also lives in the same country but far away from both of us. All of us had met up as friends last year.
This came after 6 weeks of lack of contact and us not having any quality time, with her spending her freetime with him every time I asked if she had some for me.
I'd lie if I said I didn't feel hurt. But he was going through a very tough time and emotions sparked when she was there for him.
I had offered to be part of it before knowing about any of this - but they kept me out of things.
She told me that if I said no, she would, albeit regretfully, refuse him.
But I wanted her to be happy, and he was sweet and someone who truly worked on himself. I have known him for several years and seen him grow.
So I agreed to take the couple approach. I didn't want us to be primaries, at least that's what I thought. I wanted this to be a group, for all of us to be part of the whole equally. We talked about the possibilities of moving together in a few years time, about financial security.
We all fit quite well. Or so I thought.
Yesterday, we watched a couple videos about poly relationships. And these videos made me realize something:
I feel majorly inferior to him. And as a lesbian, I tried to still manage to at least indulge the two by suggesting a threeway romantic and sexual relation between us.
I noticed I was bending myself into something I'm not. I was denying who I was in hopes that maybe I could make them happy that way.
Seph was my partner for so, so incredibly long. I would rather hurt than hurt her.
But on the sidelines, I noticed that they talked about meeting up in May. That they had asked each others parents for permission.
...but not if I was okay with them meeting up alone already.
I just noticed it on the side. And I was hurt once more. I talked about wanting to be included in their planning instead of just being the last "check-in".
Yesterday, after I realized that I couldn't and didn't want to love him, I decided to tell Seph about it.
She had promised me that if I decided to pull back, it was me she was wanting to spend the rest of her life with.
But she refused.
She said that the week she had with him had tied the two of them the same way that our 6 years have -
and she'd either have both of us or break it off with both of us - and "never love again".
I was flabberghasted.
And I had never suffered from heartbreak, but now I know what it feels like. I tried to understand how we could truly be emotional equals, but I just couldn't.
I felt pushed into a corner. I was hurting, so, so bad. I didn't want to lose her. I couldn't lose her. I had picked out our engagement ring and was saving up for it bevor all of this happened. I wanted to be with this girl and things had been going so well beforehand.
I explained to her that this wasn't just a matter of me not being into him, but of our current life situation as well.
He came freshly out of a breakup, she was in uni and still had a year to go without financial autonomy, and I was just moving into my very first own apartment paid by my part-time job.
It was a time of change.
And that was when I realized that I just wasn't ready for polyamory again just yet. I had a major inferiority complex and self-esteem issues to work through, all of us had yet to find stability in our lives. We could try again later, I suggested. It didn't matter too much that he was a man, the situation would have been the same if he wasn't.
But her opinion stood strong.
It was either him and me, or none of us. She apologized for being selfish, that she didn't want to break anyone's heart. I told her to go with him, she told me she couldn't have him without me. Honestly, I felt trapped without escape.
It was either to deny my feelings, my hurt and my sexuality, or lose her and know that it breaks not just me, but all of us.
I agreed to wait until the three of us meet up in April. To see how things work out. But if they don't, the issue would be the same.
I don't know what to do.
I don't want to lose her, but I don't feel comfortable at all. I want it to work, but it will be at the price of bending and breaking and likely never trusting.
I am hurt that she values him as much as me, yet tells me all these sweet things of me being important, special and the one she wants to spend her life with.
I feel lied to, put on the sidelines, and like I'm the one trying the hardest to treat them as equals when they are mostly about oggling each other.
Please, I am quite literally begging you - if you have any advice tell me.
We aren't poly virgins, none of us, and things were decently good until my realization yesterday.
I don't feel ready, but I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.
With kindest regards,
Finn
My name's Finn, 23/cisfem, lesbian.
Thanks for checking my thread out - and if you have any advice on how to handle this situation and what steps I can take to make things work, I'd be so, so thankful to hear them.
I've been in a commited relationship with my girlfriend (23, cisfem, demisexual, panromantic) for a total of 6 years.
I will call her Seph from here on out.
We were both very aware that we are poly from the get go - that we couldn't fulfill every desire and need as single individuals, but didn't want to give up all the good things we had by parting ways in hopes of meeting someone who could. We went to the same school and then moved about 500km apart due to her family. We are in a long-distance relationship and meet up about two to three times a year.
The fact that I could love several people at the same time was quite obvious, as this wasn't our first case of a poly relationship.
As the first one though, it was highly toxic and ended up in flames due to the third party involved. We found our way back together and everything has been going great between us, save for the occasional quarrels solved via healthy communication.
About 4 days ago Seph approached me with the fact that she had developed feelings for a mutual friend of ours (28, cismale, straight) who also lives in the same country but far away from both of us. All of us had met up as friends last year.
This came after 6 weeks of lack of contact and us not having any quality time, with her spending her freetime with him every time I asked if she had some for me.
I'd lie if I said I didn't feel hurt. But he was going through a very tough time and emotions sparked when she was there for him.
I had offered to be part of it before knowing about any of this - but they kept me out of things.
She told me that if I said no, she would, albeit regretfully, refuse him.
But I wanted her to be happy, and he was sweet and someone who truly worked on himself. I have known him for several years and seen him grow.
So I agreed to take the couple approach. I didn't want us to be primaries, at least that's what I thought. I wanted this to be a group, for all of us to be part of the whole equally. We talked about the possibilities of moving together in a few years time, about financial security.
We all fit quite well. Or so I thought.
Yesterday, we watched a couple videos about poly relationships. And these videos made me realize something:
I feel majorly inferior to him. And as a lesbian, I tried to still manage to at least indulge the two by suggesting a threeway romantic and sexual relation between us.
I noticed I was bending myself into something I'm not. I was denying who I was in hopes that maybe I could make them happy that way.
Seph was my partner for so, so incredibly long. I would rather hurt than hurt her.
But on the sidelines, I noticed that they talked about meeting up in May. That they had asked each others parents for permission.
...but not if I was okay with them meeting up alone already.
I just noticed it on the side. And I was hurt once more. I talked about wanting to be included in their planning instead of just being the last "check-in".
Yesterday, after I realized that I couldn't and didn't want to love him, I decided to tell Seph about it.
She had promised me that if I decided to pull back, it was me she was wanting to spend the rest of her life with.
But she refused.
She said that the week she had with him had tied the two of them the same way that our 6 years have -
and she'd either have both of us or break it off with both of us - and "never love again".
I was flabberghasted.
And I had never suffered from heartbreak, but now I know what it feels like. I tried to understand how we could truly be emotional equals, but I just couldn't.
I felt pushed into a corner. I was hurting, so, so bad. I didn't want to lose her. I couldn't lose her. I had picked out our engagement ring and was saving up for it bevor all of this happened. I wanted to be with this girl and things had been going so well beforehand.
I explained to her that this wasn't just a matter of me not being into him, but of our current life situation as well.
He came freshly out of a breakup, she was in uni and still had a year to go without financial autonomy, and I was just moving into my very first own apartment paid by my part-time job.
It was a time of change.
And that was when I realized that I just wasn't ready for polyamory again just yet. I had a major inferiority complex and self-esteem issues to work through, all of us had yet to find stability in our lives. We could try again later, I suggested. It didn't matter too much that he was a man, the situation would have been the same if he wasn't.
But her opinion stood strong.
It was either him and me, or none of us. She apologized for being selfish, that she didn't want to break anyone's heart. I told her to go with him, she told me she couldn't have him without me. Honestly, I felt trapped without escape.
It was either to deny my feelings, my hurt and my sexuality, or lose her and know that it breaks not just me, but all of us.
I agreed to wait until the three of us meet up in April. To see how things work out. But if they don't, the issue would be the same.
I don't know what to do.
I don't want to lose her, but I don't feel comfortable at all. I want it to work, but it will be at the price of bending and breaking and likely never trusting.
I am hurt that she values him as much as me, yet tells me all these sweet things of me being important, special and the one she wants to spend her life with.
I feel lied to, put on the sidelines, and like I'm the one trying the hardest to treat them as equals when they are mostly about oggling each other.
Please, I am quite literally begging you - if you have any advice tell me.
We aren't poly virgins, none of us, and things were decently good until my realization yesterday.
I don't feel ready, but I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.
With kindest regards,
Finn