Struggling with feeling left out

DifferentIsGood

New member
I met my partner almost a year ago. We clicked instantly and it’s been an amazing ride. Neither were really looking for serious commitment type of thing and here we are.

I’m struggling with how to navigate with his nesting partner (spouse). I also have one of my own but our dynamic is very free flowing and ultra supportive. We make it easy for one another to have the love we desire, no matter if that comes from each other, or someone else. If I’d know I was waltzing into a very hierarchical situation I wouldn’t have gotten involved. Now that feelings are what they are, it’s a little late for that.

His nesting partner made it clear over the holidays he wasn’t to see me. Despite having availability that wouldn’t interfere with either of our family’s events - it was not negotiable. Not even late morning grabbing coffee Christmas Eve while he was at work. She did not, however, bat an eye when he wanted to go out with friends Christmas night, after all family stuff was concluded. I took it as, you can do stuff, but you won’t see her because it’s a “special day”. Special days aren’t to be shared. 😐

Now there’s discussion regarding a trip happening this fall. She’s uncomfortable with the idea of he and I possibly having a couple of days together, despite that it doesn’t affect her time at all. She would have already had to returned home and could not stay the whole time. Again, this is in conjunction with a holiday. There is discomfort with memories being made around a holiday if it is me involved with it.

It’s up to him to navigate this conversation. We are parallel and it’s not my place to tell her how to feel. That said, I’m hurt and sad. I don’t want to leave this relationship, but I also want the opportunity to build our connection. This feels stifling and horribly unfair. I’m very very uncomfortable with not being able to do things with my partner. Given that I’d allow my nesting partner (spouse) to enjoy the day with his partner if he wanted time with them, it’s exceptionally challenging. I know it’s a very different dynamic but I just don’t know what to do, or say.
 
Ugh, that sounds horrible. I know you're in love with him, but do you love yourself enough to set and keep boundaries about how you will allow yourself to be treated? I know it would have been a deal breaker had you known up front that you were going to be pigeonholed, but is it actually still a deal breaker because it's that hurtful? In which case, are you going to advise him that if nothing changes, you're going to walk away for your own wellbeing? (Articulating boundaries generally sounds like an ultimatum). Or will you just walk away, probably with hugs and tears, but just with the assertion that their restrictions simply don't match your style of poly?
 
I'm sorry. It sounds rough.

If I’d know I was waltzing into a very hierarchical situation I wouldn’t have gotten involved.

You know it NOW. You can choose to stop being involved. Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. So if you no longer find this situation acceptable or healthy, and it is hurting you, you can bow out.

Now that feelings are what they are, it’s a little late for that.

Why? That seems like a very self-limiting and possibly self-harming belief. What makes it "too late" for you to decide that being here hurts, and that you don't like being hurt and you'd rather bow out to stop the hurt?

It’s up to him to navigate this conversation.

Does that mean he's actually going to have the conversation with Meta? You know that it is happening on X date?


We are parallel and it’s not my place to tell her how to feel.

You can tell the hinge how YOU feel.

That said, I’m hurt and sad. I don’t want to leave this relationship, but I also want the opportunity to build our connection. This feels stifling and horribly unfair.

You can ask the hinge for changes. If things do not change, you don't HAVE to continue to participate in a relationship that feels stifling, unfair, and doesn't let you build connection with hinge. How you choose to spend your time and energy is up to YOU.


I know it’s a very different dynamic, but I just don’t know what to do, or say.

OPTION 1. You ask for changes and remain during the changes.

"Partner, I'm hurt and sad. Being here feels stifling and unfair. Are you willing to change _____ so things can improve? Can you offer me less of ___ and more of ____?"

Then you see if the changes hinge makes are enough. If not, you bow out.

OPTION 2. You bow out and don't come back until hinge makes changes first.

"Partner, I'm hurt and sad. I don't want to leave the relationship, but I can't stay in and feel good either. Being here feels stifling and unfair. So I'm going to drop out. Please look me up if/when you have something different than this to offer me."

And then you drop out. The ball's in hinge's court. He either steps it up, takes charge of running his own calendar, stands up for himself and the (you + hinge) connection... or he doesn't.

There may be other options, but if it were me, I'd pick #2.

Galagirl
 
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Hello DifferentIsGood,

Sorry his spouse/nesting partner won't let him see you during the holidays. She seems to have some kind of a jealousy thing going on there. No wonder you are feeling left out, I would too. There do not seem to be any great options for you here, certainly you can't break up with him with your feelings being what they are. In the past you could have broken up with him, but at that time you didn't know how things were going to turn out.

Please try to break up with him if you can.
Kevin T.
 
It sounds like your bf's wife isn't ready for polyamory. And your partner isn't either. He doesn't understand how to do his hinging skills so that everyone's needs to feel special, heard, respected, valued, etc., are met.

I made a pact with myself to not date people who were brand new to poly, as I didn't want to be their lab rat. It hurt too much.

I ended up making an exception to my current bf because he was single when we met, and very eager to learn how poly works. There was no jealous partner/wife/gf lurking seething in the wings.
 
In contrast to everyone else's advice so far, I wonder if you could simply accept the limitations on this relationship and decide to not let it bother you. Apply the "free-flowing" energy you have with your spouse to this connection. He's got commitments to his wife and he wants to respect her comfort level. She's more restrictive than you want her to be, but you have a choice about whether to let it bother you, or not. Let it flow as it flows.

If you're in this relationship for the long haul, it might be wiser to be patient while the relationship is still new, even if "new" means a couple of years. His wife might relax about things over time... but if you push back against her limits, that could backfire and irritate her more.

It sucks that he couldn't spend any time with you at Christmas. But how many days was that, actually? The whole week between Christmas Eve and New Year's, or just Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? If the latter, those two days are crazy busy with family obligations, usually. And if he could see friends on Christmas Day, maybe they were friends who were in town only for the holidays, so it made sense to fit that in.

Do he and his wife have kids? Do they have a lot of family obligations with parents, in-laws, cousins, etc.? Was his work schedule on Christmas Eve day complicated due to needing to leave work as early as possible?

Did you actually NEED to see him on Christmas? You have your own nesting partner. Potentially, you already have your own family of origin, and/or your nesting partner's family of origin, and/or chosen families/friends, as well. Before this year, you presumably had your own holiday traditions with them, that did not involve your new partner.

(I'm dating only one person right now, but both of us were too busy with our own families and work schedules to see each other on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day. And neither of us even have kids, just nieces!)

I would personally be annoyed and hurt if a live-in partner wanted to change our holiday traditions to spend time with a new partner during the two busiest days of the year (for me), especially if it meant ducking out on holiday party prep/meal prep for a large gathering or with the kids. But if both my live-in partner and his new partner seemed to understand where I was coming from, I'd be open to changing the tradition in future years, to include him spending time with his new partner.

However, I get that it's frustrating he couldn't grab coffee with you on Christmas Eve morning while he was at work. It definitely sounds controlling of his wife to tell him what he's not allowed to do at his own work on his own time. But the problem here is that he needs to develop better hinge skills. He shouldn't be telling you that his decisions come from his wife. If he decides to respect his wife's requests and her comfort level for poly stuff, even if those requests are contrary to your requests, he needs to own it and not blame his wife. "I'm not available to see you on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but I can see you on X day instead," rather than, "My wife won't let me see you on Christmas."

Regarding the trip... it's for NEXT fall and there is already drama about it? It's eight months away!

My question is, do you actually NEED to go on this trip with him? If the wife feels upset about you joining her husband for the part of the trip that she can't be on (it sounds like she has to return home earlier than she wants) and it's connected to a special day for her, could you decide to respect that and NOT join him? Couldn't you take a different trip with him on a less "special" day? Or are all trips with him off the table for now?

If you want to stay with him, I think you have to respect the current limitations. It sounds like his wife is in emotional pain and struggling.

If he wasn't seeking a serious poly relationship, this could be very new territory for both him and his wife. The "instant connection" and "amazing ride" you're having with him might not be super fun from his wife's point of view. If she's outside of her comfort level, respect that and be chill about it. She could become chill in time, too.

If you were single, seeking a live-in partner and feeling lonely, I'd advise you to leave this relationship and seek one that fulfills your needs. But you have a nesting partner of your own. So, do you actually NEED to do the things with your new partner that his wife isn't comfortable with right now?

Your dynamic with your nesting partner sounds pretty awesome! Don't forget to nurture that connection! (Sometimes it's easy to take the "free-flowing" kind of dynamic for granted.) Maybe spend more time with your nesting partner, if your new partner is less available that you'd like?
 
Equity poly is on one end.

Open marriage flings are on another.

It sounds like you have a husband that is about equity, and a meta that sees you only as a fling?
 
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