Struggling with Jealousy

[BlueSocks]

Please can I get some words of wisdom from some of you more experienced poly folks?

I’m not new to ENM, but was rather traumatised by an ex using our poly relationship to hurt and control me. I’ve been with my current partner 5 years. We are open and have other kink/sex partners, but don’t date others.

I’ve always had some insecurities about it, but we have good communication and it’s nothing we can’t work through. He doesn’t get jealous.

However, he’s got a new partner that he seems besotted with. She’s beautiful. I’m not as attractive as I used to be (working on it, though). And she’s an interesting person, too. My partner sees her once a week, and they text most days, and he’s all giddy about it.

I’m feeling all-consuming jealousy about it. Our sex life had dwindled (before this) and I would love to have him all besotted with me too. I just would like the jealousy to subside.

We talk about it, we have boundaries, he has reassured me he’s got no intention of leaving, and loves me very much, he’s just enjoying the attention and newness. But I still feel overwhelmed with jealousy and insecurity about how giddy he is.

So yeah, is this something people commonly experience? Should I be worried? How can I work through the jealousy effectively? I don’t want it to cause issues for my partner.

Any advice would be very welcome. I don’t have anyone who I can speak to about this!

X

 

[Bobbi]

Yes it's common. You are experiencing a change from what's normal in your relationship. Your central nervous system is in fight or flight, trying to get you to react. What sucks is how your body feels and that it takes your mind down a black hole with it.

My recommendation, do not try to fight it. That just makes things worse. If you feel like crying, do it. Do it as fully as you feel it. Allowing yourself to fully feel your emotions can help them resolve in as little as 90 seconds.

For the adrenaline, exercise, (flight) hard exercise that you are capable of. Lift something very heavy or sprint as fast as you can as far as you can. A walk or light jog "might" help but it would need to be a very long walk or jog. You are better off sprinting 100 yards.

And yes, it's normal and will get easier over time with repeated exposure, your partners reassurance and your relationship not changing. Your brain will eventually learn THIS particular change is not a threat. You will experience this with most changes that are new...it's part of poly learning how to make your way through it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello BlueSocks,

It sounds like your partner is experiencing some NRE with his new partner. NRE makes us see all of the good, and none of the bad. It also blinds us to how we are treating our original partner. Honestly, your partner should not be flooding you with raves and info about his new partner. When he's with you, his focus should be on him and you. Tell him about NRE, and let him know you are going to remind him whenever he is neglecting you.

It sounds like you and your partner could use a shot in the arm to your sex life with each other. Maybe the two of you have just drifted apart somewhat, and his new partner is just training a spotlight on that crack in your relationship. Tell him you want to work on that relationship, independent of his new relationship. I don't know if you and he still have formal dates with each other. If you don't, you should probably make a point of doing that.

Jealousy is not unusual in poly, nor is it unusual for one partner to experience NRE and thence neglect the other original partner. And if he is gushing about his new partner in your presence, that is just one of many ways he could be neglecting you. No doubt he thinks he's giving you the attention you need. NRE skews one's perception in that way. So don't let him do that, insist that he invest real effort into his relationship with you, independent of his new relationship.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Please can I get some words of wisdom from some of you more experienced poly folks?

Sure. Welcome to the group!

I’m not new to ENM, but was rather traumatised by an ex using our poly relationship to hurt and control me. I’ve been with my current partner 5 years. We are open and have other kink/sex partners, but don’t date others.

I’ve always had some insecurities about it, but we have good communication and it’s nothing we can’t work through. He doesn’t get jealous.

However, he’s got a new partner that he seems besotted with. She’s beautiful. I’m not as attractive as I used to be (working on it, though). And she’s an interesting person, too. My partner sees her once a week, and they text most days, and he’s all giddy about it.

I’m feeling all-consuming jealousy about it. Our sex life had dwindled (before this) and I would love to have him all besotted with me too. I just would like the jealousy to subside.

We talk about it, we have boundaries, he has reassured me he’s got no intention of leaving, and loves me very much, he’s just enjoying the attention and newness. But I still feel overwhelmed with jealousy and insecurity about how giddy he is.

It sounds like you're moving to polyamory, from a relationship where you were just having more casual hookups or kink play. Now your partner has NRE (new relationship energy). He's infatuated with the new and shiny person. Some people learn to separate love and sex, while others can't. They don't want to have sex with someone they don't love, or aren't fond of in other ways. It seems your partner has someone he is attracted to for more than just one night, or a "scene" or two.

Moving from swinging or just kink play to polyamory can be quite difficult! I mean, it can be easy if you're the infatuated one, but hard to be the partner of this person. If you're truly okay with your partner finding love now, as opposed to more casual things, how do you cope?

I highly recommend reading the book from our resource list called Opening Up. It goes into great details about the differences between open relationships that are just open to sex, and polyamory, which is designed for adults to actually form deep meaningful relationships with multiple people. The transition can be a rollercoaster, and it can feel very hard. Your partner may get so swept up in the NRE that they have a hard time focusing on your needs.

You have to speak up and tell him what you need to feel reassured. Look at your love languages. Do you need quality time, more touch/sex, gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation? (Personally I need all of the above! I don't "need" gifts, but I enjoy a little token of affection since it shows the person was thinking of me.) Try not to compare yourself and what you're getting to the other person.

I hope your partner will listen and give you more fun dates and sex, if that's what you want or need to feel valued, and not discarded.

Watch out for poly hell. An article about that is also in our resource list.

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

Is this something people commonly experience? Should I be worried? How can I work through the jealousy effectively? I don’t want it to cause issues for my partner.

It's extremely common. It definitely helps to talk to people who know what you're going through. Most of us here do! Experienced polyamorists learn to control their NRE to avoid neglecting/hurting their other partner(s).

I don’t have anyone who I can speak to about this!

Now you do!

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome. I don't know if it helps you, but these popped out to me in reading your post.

I’m not new to ENM, but was rather traumatised by an ex using our poly relationship to hurt and control me.

What healing was done around that?

I’ve been with my current partner 5 years. We are open and have other kink/sex partners, but don’t date others.

So this is the first time doing polyamory then, where he IS romantically dating this person?

I’ve always had some insecurities about it, but we have good communication and it’s nothing we can’t work through.

When you get all up in your feels, could you read that to self soothe? Maybe make a list of all the other things to help you remember? Because you two have been together 5 years.

However, he’s got a new partner that he seems besotted with. She’s beautiful. I’m not as attractive as I used to be (working on it, though). And she’s an interesting person, too. My partner sees her once a week, and they text most days, and he’s all giddy about it.

How do you know she's beautiful and interesting?

Do you need to ask partner to enjoy the NRE, but dial down the texting around you?

I’m feeling all-consuming jealousy about it. Our sex life had dwindled (before this) and I would love to have him all besotted with me too. I just would like the jealousy to subside.

If jealousy is "I have something I'm scared someone will take away" -- what would you list?

If envy is "Someone else has something I want for myself" -- what would you list?

We talk about it, we have boundaries, he has reassured me he’s got no intention of leaving, and loves me very much, he’s just enjoying the attention and newness. But I still feel overwhelmed with jealousy and insecurity about how giddy he is.

So you'd like to see less of his giddiness? Is his NRE at normal levels, and anything would bother you? Or is he being over the top with it, and gushing all over the place and oversharing things with you?

So yeah, is this something people commonly experience? Should I be worried? How can I work through the jealousy effectively? I don’t want it to cause issues for my partner.

Apart from the Poly Hell article, you could read Labriola's article on jealousy or get her jealousy workbook.

But if this is also pinging unhealed things from the ex who traumatized you, you might need to heal those things, too.

Galagirl

 

[BlueSocks]

Thank you everyone for your replies! This really is so helpful. I’m still getting used to this site and I’m not entirely sure how to quote people but I’ll try answer your questions.

It’s hard to determine where we are in our ENM. I’ve found it really difficult to come to the Poly community for support because in my head that means we’re going to be having full on “in love” relationships with others, but neither of us wants that. So it feels like I just don’t know where we fit. Our interactions with others are kink-based, and we don’t date others in the sense of courtship. But, with kink you’ve always to build up trust and care with the other parties involved, so there is always going to be some connection there. I never know what to call it!

In relation to my past relationship - I recognise there is some trauma there. To be honest, I feel like that’s a barrier for me finding other partners. I haven’t done anything with anyone yet without my partner being party to it, I’m not healed enough. But I have had some long and intensive therapy around that, which I finished this year, and things feel a lot better, just not 100%. (I don’t know if we ever get to 100%?)

I know his play partner is beautiful and seems like a cool person, because we’ve met. She’s someone we’ve both known on the kink scene for a while. I actually really like her, she’s fun to be around. She’s very popular. I am quite envious of her but in a way, I recognise I just feel insecure about myself, I don’t dislike her for it. I’d quite like to not feel that way and just be happy for my partner! She has my partner's desire, and I don’t at the moment, and that’s the bit that really hurts. I know he loves me, but we’ve been together a long time and he doesn’t have that sexual spark for me anymore. But I’m still like a silly girl with a crush on him…

We had a big discussion after I posted this. I let out some pent-up feelings, even the ones I know are unreasonable. He’s been asking me to set some boundaries for weeks. I struggle with that, because it feels like I’m being controlling, but he feels that’s the best way to ensure he isn’t hurting me. Do you guys think it’s helpful or harmful to have sort of “rules”? It was things like how often he sees her and when I want time where he’s not texting her. He phrased it as it’s all new and different and that’s fun.

Thank you for the book recommendation- I’ve ordered it! I have The Ethical Slut sat on my bookshelf but I’ve been feeling too vulnerable to crack it open. But I feel much better since our talk and hearing from you all! Thank you for welcoming me here.

 

[GalaGirl]

We had a big discussion after I posted this. I let out some pent-up feelings, even the ones I know are unreasonable. He’s been asking me to set some boundaries for weeks. I struggle with that because it feels like I’m being controlling, but he feels that’s the best way to ensure he isn’t hurting me. Do you guys think it’s helpful or harmful to have sort of “rules”? It was things like how often he sees her and when I want time where he’s not texting her. He phrased it as it’s all new and different and that’s fun.

Let me talk about CATS for a moment.

It is reasonable for him to ask for more information so he doesn't ding you. Like, if you are allergic to cats, he needs to know that, so if he goes to his friend's house and plays with their cat, he knows to come home and change clothes, bathe. He knows to warn you that this pile of clothes he set aside separately has cat fur on it, so you don't mix it with your clothes and risk getting sneezy and itchy and all that. But he can't DO that if you don't even tell him you are allergic to cats because you think you are being "too controlling" if he has to shower and set his cat clothes to the side.

It is not a "rule," like he's never allowed to play with cats ever. He can. It's just that if he does, it needs to be in a way that doesn't impact your cat allergy. So when he gets back with cat dander all over him, he will say hi and wave, but save the hug for AFTER the shower and change of clothes.

He's trying to be CONSIDERATE. But he cannot be a MIND READER. He is asking you for info about your preferences so he can behave in a way that is considerate and doesn't ding you.

Now bring it back to this play partner. I think he could have his regular date nights with you, and then his regular play partner times with her. So suggest an initial calendar that works for you. I don't know if that's 1x a week with you on an actual date, and 1x a week with her. (Doing errands together or folding laundry at home together is NOT a date night.)

You could say "Alright, how about this? 1x a week date night with me. 1x a week play date with her. Let's try that on for the first month, and then check in to see if it needs tweaks. Is that good enough for the first month?"

Same with the texting. You probably have preferences, like no texting in bed with you or on dates with you, and probably not during shared meals, either.

That doesn't mean he can't text at all. He can get up and do it from another room if you are trying to sleep. He can text when he's eating his meals alone at work or something. He can text during his other free times.

I encourage you to talk to him and let go of this worry that you are "being controlling." If you ask him things that ARE unreasonable or irrational he can just tell you, "No, I do not agree. I won't be doing that." And you can say, "Alright, what's your suggestion?" and he can give his ideas.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

It’s hard to determine where we are in our ENM. I’ve found it really difficult to come to the poly community for support because in my head that means we’re going to be having full on “in love” relationships with others, but neither of us wants that.

Why don't you want that? Unhealed trauma from before? Are you sure your current partner no longer wants that? He may have changed... People do change.

I just don’t know where we fit. Our interactions with others are kink-based, and we don’t date others in the sense of courtship.

There are ways to date others that aren't aimed at courtship. In the old-fashioned sense, people dated with a goal of marriage, cohabitation, til death do us part. Nowadays we date with other goals. You currently date to do kink. But what if you dated vanilla-style, with a goal that is less than all the way up the escalator, marriage, shared finances, house, kids, shared retirement fund? You're not married to your partner. I am not sure if you live together, share finances, have or want kids. So, you could travel to different levels with another partner (or two) as well... The books will explain this in great detail.

But, with kink you’ve always to build up trust and care with the other parties involved, so there is always going to be some connection there. I never know what to call it!

Trust and skin-to-skin contact, eye contact, frequent meetings, sharing some intimate things about yourself, by word or deed, all these things can lead to love. There are degrees of love, or fondness. Sometimes it sneaks up on you unawares, whether you want it to, or not.

In relation to my past relationship - I recognise there is some trauma there. To be honest, I feel like that’s a barrier for me finding other partners. I haven’t done anything with anyone yet without my partner being party to it, I’m not healed enough. But I have had some long and intensive therapy around that, which I finished this year, and things feel a lot better, just not 100%. (I don’t know if we ever get to 100%?)

You'll always have a scar. At least it's no longer a gaping bleeding wound.

I know his play partner is beautiful and seems like a cool person, because we’ve met. She’s someone we’ve both known on the kink scene for a while. I actually really like her, she’s fun to be around. She’s very popular. I am quite envious of her but in a way, I recognise I just feel insecure about myself, I don’t dislike her for it. I’d quite like to not feel that way and just be happy for my partner! She has my partner's desire, and I don’t at the moment, and that’s the bit that really hurts. I know he loves me, but we’ve been together a long time and he doesn’t have that sexual spark for me anymore. But I’m still like a silly girl with a crush on him…

That is a big disconnect! I can see where you'd feel both jealousy and envy about that.

We had a big discussion after I posted this. I let out some pent-up feelings, even the ones I know are unreasonable. He’s been asking me to set some boundaries for weeks. I struggle with that, because it feels like I’m being controlling, but he feels that’s the best way to ensure he isn’t hurting me. Do you guys think it’s helpful or harmful to have sort of “rules”? It was things like how often he sees her and when I want time where he’s not texting her. He phrased it as it’s all new and different and that’s fun.

Boundaries and rules are two different things. Boundaries are made by you, for yourself, to be enforced by yourself. Like, "I like a thumpy flogging, but not a stinging caning." Rules are something you try to set for another, like, "You may not do anal with anyone but me."

Sometimes poly couples make agreements, like a contract between them, composed of boundaries (hard and soft limits) and rules. But these agreements can be renegotiated when they are tried and they don't fit, or they are outgrown.

Thank you for the book recommendation- I’ve ordered it! I have The Ethical Slut sat on my bookshelf but I’ve been feeling too vulnerable to crack it open.

I hope you feel the fear and do it anyway.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

but neither of us wants that.

But, with kink you’ve always to build up trust and care with the other parties involved, so there is always going to be some connection there. I never know what to call it!

Hmm, I have plenty of friends I play with at parties, some of them monogamous, many of them not remotely interested in dating me, or me them. We just play at events, as friends.

You can also choose to foster a more dating-like relationship with one person, where you develop a kink dynamic that is present between sessions.

Yes, some people need the latter type of connection to be able to have enjoyable play sessions with people, but honestly, many people do not need it. People of all genders are happy to attend kink events and take part in quite extreme play with even near strangers.

I'm emphasising this because it really is a choice to have the latter type of arrangement, where you send each other good night messages and that sort of thing. See, some people don't just want to engage in kink in an almost swinging-like fashion, even if they do get plenty of play opportunities. They want polyamory, essentially, but they waste everyone's time by not being brave and making that clear.

The former type of people, who really don't want anything other than play opportunities, naturally count themselves as incompatible with people who want "more" than social meets at parties and events, or maybe the odd private session between friends.

So, I think, if you are going to proceed with the idea that people need this certain type of connection, and those people are compatible with you, then just count yourselves as on the polyamory path. Because you are. It's not going to matter if they call themselves D/s or bosom buddies when they want a romantic week away.

 

[BlueSocks]

In response to @Magdlyn

So, we live together, not married, but that’s because neither of us believe in marriage. He’s a stepdad to my children.

I “know” (I think) he isn’t looking for love or another girlfriend, because he’s been very clear in telling me and other parties that it’s not what he wants. We do a monthly “check-in” and we’ve both promised each other the honesty to talk about feelings and if we want to change our agreement. I know nothing is impossible, I guess he could fall for someone, but if he does I have to decide if I can handle that.

 

[GalaGirl]

I know nothing is impossible, I guess he could fall for someone, but if he does I have to decide if I can handle that.

You could decide that NOW. It's part of knowing yourself and where your personal limits lie. You don't have to wait until it happens to think it out. It might never happen. But if you think it out and decide now, you'd be prepared either way and wouldn't be blindsided.

GG